xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: November 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hey, come on by, we're drunk and profane over here!

Thank you so much to the fabulous Brandi over at Dysfunctional Supermom, who answered my (pathetic) plea on Twitter for somebody to help me guest blog during this very busy week of mine. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell you this or not, (whisper)but she was totally drunk when she wrote this. Is there any wonder why I love her?????

When Jill asked me to guest blog (read: I begged her on Twitter to let me stop by) I was humbled by the opportunity to share my mock Christian, pseudo mommy thoughts on, well, anything in the home of the Jewish mistress of autism ass-kicking.

She asked if I needed a topic—I of course, said “Yes, please!” so this whole blog was really written by her using my blogger alter ego just so she can get away with writing about Christmas. Oh yeah…Christfreakinmas. (I would have used fuckin’ instead of freakin’ there, but even I have standards.)

I love the season of the birth of our Savior (even if it is a debatable issue that he may or may not have been born in Spring, but whatever). I put up my tree on Thanksgiving. Not for nothing, but fuck this 8 nights of Hanukkah crap. Give me 30 days of Christmas! I want it all, including the Beach Boys Christmas album and Miracle on 34th Street.

But this year…oh yes, this year is bullshit. You see, everything over here in Dysfunction Junction has been just a little “off”. We’ve dealt with unemployment, major illness, articulation disorders, divorce(s), foreclosures, family fall-outs and other infestations of “life lice” as I like to call it. And in true “off” fashion, tree decorating fell right in line.

This is our Dr. Fucking Seuss Tree. The star is that way on purpose. We just bought the star last year: brand new…directly from the Mayor of Target herself. But last year we had 12 foot cathedral ceilings in our house and the star was atop an 8 ft. tree. Not this year, ladies and gentlemen. This year we have downsized by more than 70% in square footage and our brand new star is too damned big to fit on the 6ft. Wal-Mart tree. (I still feel dirty from that shopping trip.)

Could I have replaced it with a fluffy, festive bow? Sure.

But I decided, instead, to say “Merry Fucking Christmas” in true Griswald form and celebrate the slightly off year we’ve had in our happy home.

Some years are just like that, aren’t they? How would you handle it?

I choose to be like the Grinch when he says to Cindy Lou Who as they’re rushing down the mountain at 492 mph and about to crash:

“Now you listen to me, young lady! Even if we're *horribly mangled*, there'll be no sad faces on Christmas.”

I'm hangin with the cool kids today

My Life as an Ungraceful, Unhinged, and Unwilling Draftee into the Autism Army

Remember when you were in 8th grade and you wanted to hang with the cool kids, but they thought you were just a dork with a giant Jewfro that was twice as tall as your head and they wanted no part of you? No? You.... don't.... remember that? Well, okay. Me neither, then! But, um..... just in case.... today, *cough* years later, I am able to finally redeem my 13 year old self, because I am guest blogging over at the awesome, hilarious, very popular, probably-never-had-a-jewfro cool kid blog The Autism Army Mom.

Come! See what I said! It's a true story about the events of yesterday. And by "yesterday," I mean Monday November 29th. You know. Yesterday.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Big Daddy is in the house!

I am thrilled to have Big Daddy Autism guest blogging for me today. Have you been to his blog? If not, you should go there, because it now has 87% more humor. EIGHTY SEVEN PERCENT!! That is so much more humor, I just don't see how you can pass that up.

For those of you who don't know me, I blog about life with my 13 year old autistic son. When Jill told me I would be guest posting, I was honored. If by "honored" you mean "terrified". Jill scares me, so I knew I had to come up with something brilliant. We flitted around the idea of me swearing a lot, insulting some of her nicest family members, or going the "Lynn Route" and pissing off large groups of people all at once. Instead, I decided to post about the events of last Wednesday.

Wilford, Me and The Burger King

They say there are no coincidences in life so I guess I shouldn't be shocked that Griffin has formed a bond with Wilford Brimley, he of diabetes supplies fame. Big Daddy has had diabetes for about 15 years now. In reality, I don't have diabetes so much as diabetes has me. I was first diagnosed when I was in my early thirties. Recently, more often than not, diabetes has kicked my ass.

Due to my condition, I see my Endocrinologist fairly regularly. The day before Thanksgiving was no different. The girls - Lil Sis, Mrs. Big Daddy and Big Nana - had plans for a girls only outing so I had to take Griffin with me to my appointment.

My Endocrinologist appointments are no big deal. He is usually on time and the entire, five minute, appointment can be summed as follows:

1. Weighs me.
2. Frowns.
3. Takes Blood Pressure.
4. Frowns
5. Tells me I am fat.
6. Writes my prescriptions.

So bringing Griffin shouldn't have been a hassle. Just to make sure, I promised him Burger King for lunch after the appointment conditioned upon the following:

1. No loud laughing.
2. He does not mention to the Endocrinologist that we would be going to Burger King.

As we entered the waiting room, Griffin was busy confirming which Burger King we would be visiting and what his order was going to be. When I reminded him of the deal, he reminded me that he did not, technically, tell it to the doctor. Hmm. At this point, I thought I had a chance of sliding through the appointment without the doctor hearing of my lunch plans.

No such luck. Griff lasted all of about 30 seconds until the cork blew out and a hot steaming river of Burger King conversation starting flowing down the side of the mountain. By the end of the appointment, my Endocrinologist knew which Burger King we were going to, what Griffin was having, and the details of our plan to keep this information from him.

The two Whoppers I later scarfed down did nothing to console me.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

It's going to be a busy week

I'm seeing 6 of my 8 clients this week; it's going to be a busy one. As such, I have modified a rage comic that I made previously so that you can see how my week will be in rage comic form (click it to embiggen). If you're wondering why hubs is not represented in rage comic form, it's because he will be working very late every day at his sucky job that sucks and I will probably never see him at all.

Tomorrow, Big Daddy will be guest blogging for me. If anybody else is interested in guest blogging, email me at jillsmo@gmail.com, I'm sure I could use the help.

If you'd like to make me happy during my very busy week, please visit this page every day and click on the Top Mommy Blog button that says "VOTE FOR US!" in the sidebar over there ----------> They changed the way they tally their votes and I am now buried deep, deep down at the bottom. C'mon, people, help me kick the ass of that bitch at Mommy is Teething!!! (Just kidding, Tina, you know I lubs you)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'M the Mayor of Target!

Foursquare is stupid. For those of you who don't know, Foursquare is an application that you install on your cell phone which GPS tracks your location and then you can "check in" from various places and announce that to all your friends on Twitter or Facebook or whatever else there is. (IS there anything else?) I can actually see how this would be a cool tool to use if you were young and had an active social life, it would be a cool way to find your friends and see where they've been. I can also see how this would be a cool tool to use if you were a stalker ("Oh, she just checked in at Breads of India on Sacramento street. NOW I know which window to peer through!!") Since neither of these apply to me, though, I think Foursquare is stupid. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.

I go to Target a lot. Regular readers are now saying "yes, Jill, we knew that." One day I was there and I thought it would be funny if I got Foursquare and then only used it to check in from Target. Wouldn't that be hilarious?? And then I could really see how often I was there. So, I got the Ap and installed it on my Blackberry (I chose not to install the GPS tracking option, though, since I new I would only ever be checking in from one place, and I think it's kind of creepy). During this process, however, I learned that Foursquare has what they call "Mayors," which is the title you get when you check in from one place more than anybody else. And, therefore, a new dream was born. I. Must. Become. The Mayor. Of Target.

It didn't take long for me to kick the current Mayor, John A. out of the way and take my spot as Mayor. Unfortunately, I learned about 2 weeks later that it was not acceptable for me to forget to check in when I'm there or that bastard is going to steal his spot back. This was now war, and I wasn't going to let John A. take my prize away from me. So, I started checking in every day, even when I wasn't there. One time when I checked in I was actually at the Starbucks on Center St. and Oxford. That's right, in a very short period of time I had resorted to lying and cheating in order to hold on to my coveted title of Mayor. I obviously had a problem.

However, whenever you check in on Foursquare, it automatically tweets an announcement of your check-in to your Twitter followers. I didn't think anybody was paying attention. I was wrong. So, now not only do I have a hopeless Target/Mayor/Foursquare addiction, I've also got a crew of smartasses on Twitter giving me a whole bunch of shit for going to Target so much (by the way, come back on Monday when one of those smartasses will be guest blogging for me!!)

I think it may be time for me to come to terms with this problem I've developed. Either that or figure out a way to check in on Foursquare without having to tweet it. Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll hide my addiction so that nobody will know of it. That way I can stay Mayor and nobody will tease me. It's GENIUS!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Song of the day: That Girl Could Sing

I have often said, and once again... I would like this song title etched on my tombstone. Lyrics here.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Singing thanks for the unsung heroes

The Me Gusta Turkey, stolen from reddit

Every year Thanksgiving, for me, is a two day cook-fest. On Wednesday I prep and chop my vegetables and get everything ready for the big day; I can do it all in one day, I just like to spread it out because it's fun for me; also so that I can start drinking as soon as the turkey goes into the oven. This year, however, I'm sick. Yeah, I've got a frickin' cold and I feel shitty on Day 1 of my Two Day Cookfest. Bummer. So, I can't really cook, I need to spend the day in bed getting better so that I can cook all day tomorrow, except there's no school today. Why is there no school today? Probably because a lot of people take this day off, anyway, and the district doesn't want to lose all that ADA money, so they just close the damn thing down and add another day at the end of the year. That would seriously piss me off if I had a regular 9-5 office job, but today it's just an inconvenience because I want to sleep but my kids are home and need entertainment; plus I need them to stay away from me so that I can sleep.

Luckily, however, I've got family in town; family who never get to see these children of mine, and who volunteered to come over this morning so that I could lie in bed and complain quietly to myself (and the Twitter world).

Now, your typical adult, I've found, has no idea what to do with a child who has autism. They ask questions like they would of any other kid, and when they don't get an answer that they're expecting, I think they kind of panic. "What am I supposed to do now??" So, it's one thing to volunteer to hang out with the NT 5 year old who asks a million questions and constantly chatters on and on with insightful and hilarious comments, but another, entirely, to volunteer to hang out with the autistic 8 year old who doesn't answer your questions, who talks in an inaudible mumble most of the time and who only cares about BART trains. It's rare that I encounter an adult, who not only "gets it," but who feels at ease with the kid with the obvious differences, and when I do, I feel compelled to sing their praises.

So, I would like to do just that for both of my cousins, who are awesome and wonderful people, and in particular my cousin Emily, because she is not only not afraid of the autism and the weirdness, she enthusiastically took him out on a BART ride while I lay in bed, quietly complaining to myself (and to Twitter). I wish she lived closer. THANK YOU!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

How to motivate your Kindergartener

Most of Child 2's homework in Kindergarten is me reading to him and then he's supposed to draw a picture about what we read and then write a few words. He loves the reading part but has so far refused to write or draw anything. I think it's a self confidence thing, he doesn't think he's good at it so he doesn't want to try. I had a conversation about this with his teacher a few weeks ago and she gave me some suggestions for things I could use to motivate him. I never did any of them; not because I'm lazy, but because this is his 2nd month in Kindergarten and I just don't think it's that big of a deal. He's freakishly smart and loves to learn, I'd rather let these things come naturally than force him to confront his insecurities and risk giving him a complex about it; he might end up thinking that learning is an embarrassing chore rather than something that he enjoys and I don't think it's that important to press the issue right now and I'm sure he'll get there eventually. Also because I'm lazy.

However, she failed to mention that one motivator that would trump all the others; the one that would get him past his fears and into the world of writing once and for all. Have him write the various components of his name and add a self portrait! When he's all alone. Late at night. And nobody is there to witness the act. With a permanent marker. On the wall. In his brother's room.

Pretty good penmanship for a first timer, though, right?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Want to read my birth story with Child 1?

I have this crazy, drunken friend Kelli who runs this website and radio show called Birth Stories on Demand. She's actually kind of a big deal! I didn't know they let crazy drunks become big deals, I guess there's hope for me, yet; then again, there's always Mel Gibson..... Anyway, Kelli asked me to write my birth story with Child 1, and write it I did!

You can read it here: Jill's birth of Jacob

My turn to be a guest blogger

My friend frazzledmomma, over at Living With Logan, recently had a really scary experience and had to take her 2 1/2 year old to the ER. She put out a call on Twitter that she was looking for guest bloggers because she wanted to take a blogging break and I was happy to help with my own story. (Her Twitter handle is ihave7monsters... because she has SEVEN kids. I told her I thought that was a little excessive. She agreed).

You can read what I wrote here: Taking my child to the ER

Sunday, November 21, 2010

This is why I don't like.... people.

I have a bunch of clothes to give away; kid clothes that they've both grown out of. If I were more organized or simply a better mother, I would take them to Hannah's in Albany and sell them, but no, instead I've just been throwing them into the closet in C2's room and closing the door, hoping they would disappear on their own. But the other day, for some reason, I got all organizedish and bagged up all the clothes. Then I went to my local parent mailing list and put out a notice that I had clothes to give away. Here is the exact text of my ad:
I have (not exaggerating) 10 huge garbage bags full of boys clothes, all different kinds (shirts, t-shirts, pants, pajamas, shorts, sweaters, jackets, socks, shoes) ranging from size 2T to 5T. I don't want money, I just want them out of my house. I also don't want somebody who will pick and choose through them, just come and haul them all away because I just want them out of my house! If you can use them, they're yours.

I got, again not exaggerating, more than 150 responses to this ad. I had no idea how to choose so I just picked the first person who responded and told her to come get them, which was obviously a mistake because there were some really needy single moms who responded and I ended up with some rich lady whose kid goes to the preschool that C2 went to, so I know she can afford $1000/month in tuition and can no doubt afford to buy her own fucking clothes.

So, she came by yesterday and was shocked.... SHOCKED.... at how many bags I had. She said "I had no idea you had this much stuff! Do you mind if I look through it and just pick out the stuff I want?"

I'm sorry. Was my ad unclear? Was I, perhaps, vague about how much stuff there was? Maybe she thought I was exaggerating about having 10 garbage bags full of clothes? Upon re-reading the ad, maybe I can see how me saying I wasn't exaggerating might be a little unclear. And, I guess saying that I didn't want somebody to pick and choose might be interpreted to mean that I was, in fact, totally fine with somebody picking and choosing. I wanted to fucking punch her. I said "take it all and please don't look through it." She ended up taking 4 of the 10 bags. Fine, I had 149 other people I can email, I'll go ahead and do that. Bitch.

She just emailed me that it was too much stuff and she didn't want it anymore and she wants me to send her one or two of the names of the 149 other people so she can give it to them. Maybe I'll send them all to her, just to piss her off. Oh, did you say you only wanted one or two names? That wasn't very clear to me, I guess.

UPDATE: I moved on to the next person, who happens to be a blogger and I was treated to lovely pictures of what her garden looked like before she had kids... and then what it looks like now. Yeah. Been there. She just left here with her beautiful baby and all the rest of the bags. I asked her if maybe my ad wasn't clear and she assured me that it was. She didn't look in any of the bags, we just loaded them into her car and she left. YAY!

My First Guest Poster!

You know what's awesome about somebody guest posting? I don't have to think of anything to write AND I get a shitload of referral traffic from somebody who is more popular than me. I simply do not see a downside to this process.

As I said before, I have offered my blog to the wonderful, funny, fabulous, gorgeous Lynn, the Autism Army Mom and as I suspected, she did not disappoint. Oooh, I hope Ann finds it!!

Take it away, Lynn!

UPDATE: So many people want to see my car now! Here's the post where I show my shame: Mom My Ride

I lived in Northern California for 7 years in the 2000's.  Audrey was delivered at Stanford and then was diagnosed with autism at the very same place almost exactly two years later.  I was completely lost at that time...living far away from home and going through the worst time of my life.  I didn't have that many friends out there, let alone anyone who understood what I was going through.  Of course, since I've been blogging I've "cyber-met"  tons of cool special needs moms from the Bay Area, the foremost being Jill.  Where were all of these people when I needed them??? 

When I lived out there, my only exposure to fellow special needs parents was via the reception area of the clinic where Audrey did some of her Early Intervention therapies.  Here was my posse at that time:

--  Crazy lady who was in never less than a semi-hysterical state over her son.  She never stopped talking and, unlike others who shied away from copping to their kids' diagnoses, she screamed from the rooftops that her son had AUTISM!!!!!!!  She was a total oversharer and let everyone know that she had rented an apartment in another city just to be in a better school district.  I was pretty sure that this was illegal and filed it away in the back of my mind in case I ever needed to use it against her.

--  Filipino family who traveled in a pack of no less than 18.  Took up all the chairs. 

--  Mom who constantly wrung her hands over her son who was absolutely fine.  There was nothing wrong with this kid.  Other than the fact that he had three older sisters and his mom had not yet figured out that boys are kinda slow and dumb.

--  Crazy dad who spewed a constant stream of venom against our school district.  In his defense, San Jose Unified was the spawn of Satan, but he never talked about anything else and with such raw anger and spittle-flying invective that it was more than a little unnerving.

--  Mom whose son was just diagnosed as she found out she was pregnant with #2.  She did a lot of rocking and staring off into space.

--  Dad who worked for the same company as my husband.  About 100,000 other people in the Bay Area did as well, but somehow they were both in the same Toastmasters class.  This guy never copped to his kid's diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure he knew about Audrey's because every speech that my husband gave was about autism.  And how his daughter had it.

It was such a surreal time.  A time when you needed all the support that you could get, yet were surrounded by people who were going through the same thing and perhaps not in the best place to forge new friendships.  If I had met these people under any other circumstances would I have gotten a completely different impression of them?  If I had met someone like Jill under those circumstances, would we have been friends?  Or would I have just thought of her as the crazy lady with the really dirty car?  Seriously, have you seen her car?

And what would their memory of ME be like?  Luckily, I haven't run across their blogs, so I've been spared their waiting-room reminiscing about the crazy lady in the dirty White Sox t-shirt with the puffy eyes and the 30 pound kid who couldn't walk.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Out of the Mouths of Babes 17

Child 2: Dancing all around the bathroom, toothbrush in hand

Me: Just brush your teeth and I'll stop bothering you about it

Child 2: But I love you, and everything you say

Me: melt  Okay. Do your thing

Also: Melt

Song of the day: Tighten Up

Black Keys. Great song; funny video!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Song of the day: Rainy Day

By the awesomely named local band Four Year Bender. You probably think I'm posting this because it's raining here today, but you're wrong! Well, it is raining here today, but that's not why I'm posting it, because this song isn't about the weather. Listen....

Fuck you and Flip-Off Friday

Fuck you and Flip-Off Friday brought to you by the lovely ladies linked to above. I don't usually participate in these kinds of memes, mostly because I can't ever think of anything to write and if I'm presented with the challenge of "write about such and such RIGHT NOW" my mind just goes blank and I have to walk away from the computer. Today, however, I was thinking about all the people I'd like to tell to fuck off, anyway, and I thought HEY! It's Fuck Off Friday! Let's join the meme, shall we? Yeah, so, I'm a joiner today.

I think there's something wrong with me. I know, you're not surprised, you already thought there was something wrong with me, but this one is different. I somehow manage to be surprised, day in and day out, at the inconsiderate and disrespectful nature of people. You would think that after 40 years of being on this planet I would have learned that lesson by now, but no. People's disrespectful bullshit is a constant surprise to me. I don't know why, am I an eternal optimist? That doesn't really sound like me, does it? And yet, I get equally pissed and outraged every time somebody does something that I really should have seen coming. Because people are rude and inconsiderate and they only care about themselves. I know this. Don't you know this? We all know this. And yet... I'm a fucking idiot? So, I think I need to flip myself off for being such a fucking sucker. I think that, deep down, I'm hoping that I'm wrong about humanity so I continue to give them another chance, kind of like that shitty friend who only calls you when there's something wrong, and then only talks about themselves and never even asks you how you are. For some reason I insist on keeping these shitty friends around because, I guess, I'm hoping that this time I'm going to be wrong about them, and this time they're going to be different. But, no, I'm wrong every time, and yet I still manage to be surprised by that... EVERY TIME. I am, literally, living Einstein's insanity theory. As if you needed another reason to think I was crazy.

Our next Fuck You goes to our new friend Ann, who continues to piss me off, three days later. I don't think I need to elaborate here, I said it all in that post there. Fuck you, Ann!

Last week I got a postcard in the mail that a local Thrift Store would be sending their trucks by my house and if I wanted to donate anything I could leave it outside the night before with the postcard attached. So, yesterday I put out a bag of clothes, a dresser and a lamp, which was inside the bag of clothes. This morning I come out to find that somebody (not the thrift store, because I found the postcard, in the gutter) had gone through the stuff, taken the dresser, removed all the clothes from the garbage bag they were in and put all the clothes on TOP of the garbage bag, next to the lamp. And, my postcard was in the gutter. And it rained last night. So all the clothes were a wet mess and the fucking lamp is probably totally broken now. So, fuck you, scavengers. You couldn't have at least put the fucking clothes back in the bag, could you? No, because you're an asshole. I hope you got hit by a car while you were driving the dresser home on your skateboard.

And, of course, to the myriad of assholes I share the 880 with 2 mornings a week: I have a relatively short space in which to merge 3 lanes and if you're not going to let me over, then at least speed up and get the fuck out of my way so I can get in behind you. FUCK YOU, TOO.

Have a great weekend everybody! HA HA! Yeah.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sensory friendly movies

I'd heard of these but we've never been to one, and I saw a link that select AMC theaters would be having some sensory friendly showings of the new Harry Potter movie, I checked it out; and check this out! How cool are sensory friendly movies??!
In order to provide a more accepting and comfortable setting for this unique audience, the movie auditoriums will have their lights brought up and the sound turned down, families will be able to bring in their own gluten-free, casein-free snacks, and no previews or advertisements will be shown before the movie. Additionally, audience members are welcome to get up and dance, walk, shout or sing - in other words, AMC’s “Silence is Golden®” policy will not be enforced unless the safety of the audience is questioned. 
That is so cool!! We never go to movies, mostly because it's such a hassle with the 2 of them, the last time we saw Up and for the whole thing I don't think there was a single time when the 4 of us were all sitting in our seats together; we all spent a LOT of time in the lobby. Child 1 would be so happy to have an aisle to run up and down, we could totally make a sensory friendly movie work. Not Harry Potter, though, because even though they've seen all the other movies a bunch of times, I'm sure it's not appropriate for a 5 year old (even though he was Lord Voldemort for Halloween) and I need to see it first to see how scary it is. Anyway, I don't want to go see that with my kids, I want to see it with grownups!

Special Needs Blog Hop: Thankgsiving Memory

Special Needs Blog Hop Thursday! This week's topic: Thanksgiving Memory

Hmmmm. Thanksgiving memories, huh? Well, that's actually a little difficult, since I have a really bad memory, but mostly because (brace yourselves, you're about to be SHOCKED) I tend to be pretty drunk at these things. This will be our 10th Thanksgiving since we bought this house, and I love to make a big deal and invite over as many people as I can, although I'm usually limited by table space and the number of chairs I have (Lizzie, if you're reading this, I'm probably going to need to borrow those folding chairs my mom gave you) and every year I start drinking as soon as the turkey goes into the oven! I think that's why my cousins like coming over so much. But, my memory of each year is essentially the same: Chaos. Both my kids are incapable of sitting at a table for more than 10 minutes, no matter how good the food is, and my family is loud and Jewish so there's lots of talking and yelling and arguing, and kids running all around and trying to interrupt the conversation, and 10 different conversations going in all different directions, and I usually don't even get to sit down for more than 30 seconds because I'm always having to jump up and get something for somebody and I never seem to actually eat any of the turkey, just the stuffing, and then I get really full, and then after "the grownups" (my parents) go home we play Rock Band until 3:00am.

It's awesome. Yay! Only one more week!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Who the hell do you think you are, Ann?

I was excited today; my wonderful, funny, honest blogger friend Lynn the Autism Army Mom was guest blogging at my other wonderful, funny, honest blogger friend's blog, Big Daddy Autism. These are 2 people I've met in my new role as Mom Blogger who make the whole thing more fun than I ever thought it could be, and now they're teaming up in one place? LOVE that! So, I was happy to wake up this morning and rush to my computer (or, drag my ass out of bed, make coffee with my eyes closed, wake up a kid or two and then drag my ass to the computer) and see what they had come up with.

Lynn had written a great and, as usual, funny piece about being anonymous, or in her case not being anonymous, as a Mom Blogger. I had lots of (not necessarily even snarky!) things to say on the subject and I scrolled through the comments to get to the bottom so I could say something, when I saw this, written by "Ann," an anonymous commenter.
There has been recent press about when the stars of mommy blogs grow up. Some kids were ok, some weren’t. It isn’t a risk I want to take — my children deserve some control over their lives. Shaming them in public is not something I want to do. Even if it doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe it seems ok now because your child is so young…but I have older children, and even a simple photograph can bother them. It’s all a matter of who matters the most. You, or your child. Do you respect your child or not? Do you have integrity or not? What purpose does it serve to put your child out there without the child having informed consent? This isn’t like making medical or educational decisions. Worse, since autism leads to so many social problems, why intentionally harm your child’s social life? Why make them even more of a pariah then they may be in middle school and later? Especially since it seems you have no qualms with your child’s behavior in public, and the example your blog sets shows that you have no filter yourself. It is at best, thoughtless. At worst, you can cause your child’s social life and self esteem some hard core damage, even if she were neurotypical. What rationale do you have for abusing your child like this? Need for attention? Or an inability yourself to understand social rules in our society?
Yeah. That just happened.

Okay, I'm not going to get into the crux of her "argument;" about anonymity or whether or not Lynn has respect for her child or is an actual child abuser, I think that's been done pretty well by Stuart Duncan, or by Lynn's classier blogger friends in the comment section there. I'm also not going to talk about the term "pariah" and how it makes steam come out of my ears and how much I want to fucking kick Ann in the crotch for even suggesting it (she's obviously a "normie.") No, I'd like to talk about the basic lack of respect that people seem to have for each other, particularly if they're protected by the anonymity of the internet. Or, in a nutshell: What the fuck kind of person does this, Ann?

There is nothing that annoys me more than a person who sits in judgment of another. Somebody who lives with the belief that what they think is correct and if you disagree with them, you're wrong. It doesn't matter what the topic is, it can be anything, but if you're unfortunate enough to bump up against these people, they will not hesitate to let you know about how wrong you are, and that you're a bad person for thinking what you think.  I fucking hate people like this, and the internet brings them all out in droves. For the most part I've learned to avoid them by staying away from places that attract people like this, but when one of them shows up in the comments section of my friend's blog, well, apparently there's no avoiding it.

So, listen up Ann, although I'm sure that's not your real name because you're too much of a fucking pussy to use your real name. The world is full of people with all different kinds of opinions about things and we don't always agree, in fact we rarely agree, but it takes a special kind of asshole to anonymously criticize somebody on a personal level as you have done. I know you won't stop what you do, though, and I know all the other people like you won't stop, but karma is a cruel bitch and at some point SHE will kick you in the fucking crotch for this, on Lynn's behalf, and you will deserve it.

Just in case Ann finds this post (I doubt it, though) and wants to comment, I've turned off anonymous commenting, because if you're going to be a fucking bitch on the internet, at least have the ovaries to use your name. And, for the record, I use my real first name here (and a shitload of personal information) but I don't use my kids' names or show their faces because my husband has asked me not to. This is his life and these are his kids, too, and I respect his request for anonymity. Personally, I don't really care that much, but he does, so that's why. Besides, as one of my Twitter friends said today "And, please, as tho our kids wont be blogging about us."

Lynn says she's retiring from guest blogging but I've invited her to guest blog here, so look out for it! Because, Lynn, don't let the haters get you down!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Tales from the sick bed

Not my sick bed, Child 2's sick bed. Apparently I'm not going to be making any money this week. He has a cold, but for his whole life whenever he's gotten sick he's gotten croup, that barking, scary-as-hell cough kids get where their windpipes get swollen and you panic when you hear it. We've been to the ER with croup before. This time, though, he's just really stuffy and has a cough that hurts him. A minute ago, though, he coughed and it sounded horrible and I asked him if he was okay and he said "Yeah, I'm okay; no worries." He's 5.

Here's the thing about hanging out with a sick Child 2, though: This kid is super clingy when he's feeling fine; when he's sick, I'm not going anywhere. I'm serious, my ass fell asleep 3 hours ago. I'm stuck here underneath him while he watches his stories and prevents me from moving. And hubs is working until midnight, if we're lucky. I've got somebody picking up Child 1 from school but there's no end in sight.

On another note, last night we're all in our respective beds and we hear crying coming from Child 2's room. We call for him and he appears tearfully in the doorway saying "I drew on my legs and now I'm afraid you're going to be mad at me." We said that he shouldn't draw on his legs but that we weren't mad and in the morning we would clean it up. I snapped this picture before that happened, though, because his artistic talent simply cannot be denied. I'm pretty sure he's drawn a map that will lead you to actual treasure.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I just passed a parenting test. A very very important parenting test.

The other day we're watching The Food Network, which is the only channel that exists that is always appropriate for kids and not totally boring for adults, and a commercial comes on for Crayola Spin Magic. I'm not sure what that is, but it's a thing for kids so I'm sure the commercial was all fun and shiny and loud. I wasn't really paying attention which, in retrospect, I see as my downfall. Child 2 says "I WANT A CRAYOLA SPIN MAGIC" and since I wasn't paying attention, I kind of laughed in response. It wasn't even a laugh, really, it was more like I just sniffed out my nose. I mean, it didn't even register on the laugh scale. I know, because I have a laugh scale handy at all times and: nope, nothing on there.

However, this little sniff/laugh thingy I did was apparently the worst possible insult I could have ever given to the boy because what followed was a 15-20 minute crying, sobbing, desperately unhappy meltdown, simply because I laughed at his request for a Crayola Spin Magic instead of taking his needs as seriously as they should be taken. I was a bad mom. Very very bad. I'm not kidding about the length and volume and desperation of the meltdown, either, hubs can back me up when he gets here and reads this. The meltdown ended by me promising with all my heart that the next time the commercial for Crayola Spin Magic comes on, I will take his concerns very very seriously and not laugh.

So, guess what just happened a minute ago? Oh, yeah, man, another commercial for Crayola Spin Magic. I was in the other room and didn't even hear it, but he comes running in, all ready to test me, and says "MAMA I WANT A CRAYOLA SPIN MAGIC!!!" to which I calmly reply "okay, maybe we'll get you one for Christmas." (He doesn't know this but we're Jewish. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!) This was, apparently, the acceptable answer and he turned around and left the room. WIN!

Anyway, I guess now I know what to buy him for the Annual Non-Denominational Holiday Gift Exchange that we have around the 25th of every December. I should figure out exactly what a Crayola Spin Magic is.

I played hookie today on the Freeway of the Plains

I woke up this morning and I thought "fuck it" and emailed my client that I wasn't coming in. Actually I said I wasn't feeling well, which, when you think about my mental state, isn't a lie. And considering that when I started with these guys they had pieces of paper and checks flying around the room and had no idea how much money they had or how to track any of it and now they're so frickin organized they practically kissed me the last time I was there, I think it's cool that I take a day off. Such is the beauty of being an independent contractor. What's not so beautiful is the $100+ I'm losing by playing hookie today. However, so far today I've dropped off the kids, gone to Target, Trader Joe's, gone for a walk... and next? Yeah, I'm gonna nap. So, I say... totally worth it.

In the meantime, though, I was thinking about how Tina commented in my Sweet Pain post about how all she knows of Blues Traveler's first album is But Anyway, and it got me thinking.... (if you knew me and communicated with me often, right now you'd be thinking to yourself "is there anything that doesn't 'get you thinking' you chatty bitch?") Which is the bigger crime? The band that has one good song that gets a ton of radio play but when you go to buy their album the rest of the songs suck? or, the band that has one shitty song that gets a ton of radio play, but it's so shitty that you don't bother getting the album, but in reality the rest of their songs are fucking kick ass awesome? I say scenario #2 is the bigger crime against humanity, because there are a million one hit wonders out there, and usually they only had the one hit because it was really the only good thing they ever did, but it is a rare event when the one hit wonder band is actually a really good band, but nobody knows it.

Which brings me to my point, and then my song of the day. What if all you ever knew of the Spin Doctors was Two Princes? A song so shitty I won't even link to it because you'll hear 2 notes of it and think "oh, yeah, I know that song, that song sucks, which is why I never bought the album." If all you knew was that song, you would have spent all these years thinking they were just this sucky 90's pop band and you'd have been missing out on their super awesome funky goodness, and that makes me sad for you, because as long as you ignore Two Princes (and their third album) The Spin Doctors are an awesome band that deserve your ears. And so, I present, Freeway of the Plains, from their first (live) album. You can stop listening after 6.20 (if you make it that far) because then it goes into another song but I didn't feel like downloading the software that would let me edit the mp3, but I doubt anybody will actually make it that far, anyway. Enjoy! :)

Mouthy Mama's Blog Hop

This week featuring, oh, I don't know..... ME. Fuck yeah!

brought to you by my crazy bloggy friend Aimee and her crazy bloggy friends, too....

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Song of the day: Sweet Pain

I am certain I've done this song before, but I'm drunk right now and don't feel like searching right now. Anyway, I was just cleaning the kitchen* and heard this and wanted to say that there has never been another song in the world that has spoken to me more than this one. If there's one thing I want to do before I die, it's to find John Popper and thank him for writing this song. Maybe I said that same thing the last time this was my song of the day. Who knows? I have a bad memory and ... whatever. I've also changed my tag line up there, in honor of this song's awesomeness.

*Irrelevant fact

More musings on Autism

I keep reading and re-reading what I wrote earlier and I want to say something else: I am fully aware that our experience with autism is not typical; Child 1 is very mildly on the spectrum, and the issues we face are nothing in comparison to what other families face. What I write about here, the "hardships" of having a child with autism, they are not typical of what many families with autism experience. We're lucky. I know this. Every day I feel grateful about the cards that we were dealt in the autism department, and every day I feel very strongly that supporting parents who have kids with autism is something that I need to do. I've created an online support group (private; sorry, can't share, but email me if you know me and you're intrigued) and I can only hope that the little bit that I've done has helped ease the pain of the families that I know.

Today I found this site, from a family that has a much harder time than we do. Go there; support them: Lost and Tired

Musings on Autism

I got to hang out alone with Child 1 today; hubs was working and Child 2 had a playdate, and I was once again struck at how different these two children of mine are, and what a completely different experience it is to just hang out with the one. And I have marveled hundreds of times at the irony that my child with autism is so much easier than my child without, especially now that he's getting older. He's completely lost that autistic rigidity he used to have; it used to be that he would freak out if I so much as pulled out of the driveway and turned a different direction than he was expecting, but now he just asks "why did you turn right instead of left?" and will accept my answer and move on. Child 2 would argue, loudly, with me about it until I screamed at him to shut up (I don't really do that. Or do I?) But Child 1 talks so softly, I'm always having to tell him to speak louder because I can't hear him. And although he spends a good deal of his "off time" making noises that sound like a BART train, accompanied by various other vocal stims, he's really very quiet. And so mellow, and timid, and sweet, and of course insanely beautiful and awesome.

I used to think that his mellowness was a result of the autism, which causes him to withdraw to block out the external stimuli that his brain has trouble processing, but now I'm not so convinced of that. He's getting older, he's obviously having an easier time with the sensory issues, but he's still so quiet and calm all the time, so now I'm pretty sure that's just how he is; he's a calm and mellow little dude, a lot like his Dad, actually. So, I was pondering this issue earlier and, for the zillionth time I wondered what kind of adult he would be. How would he make his way in the world? He has obvious differences, he's super calm and mellow and sweet and the world is a cruel, harsh place. How will he be as a teenager? As an adult? Will he be able to figure it out? Will he be happy?

I've always said that all I ever wanted for my kids was for them to be happy, and adding this idea to my ponderings, I was reminded of something my brother once asked me. A toddling pre-walking Child 1 and I were hanging out at his house in the city a few months before he died, and I mentioned this idea, and my brother asked "what if what really made him happy was to be a janitor? Would you be okay with that?" Damn with the hard questions, dude. My honest answer was no, because I think he could do better, and how could being a janitor make you happy? (apologies to all the janitors and janitor's families that I'm currently insulting) to which my brother responded that if I really wanted him to be happy I would need to get rid of my preconceived ideas about what makes a person happy and be prepared to accept that my child might have his own ideas about happiness, even if it meant something I didn't agree with. (Yeah. I miss him. Stupid fucking cancer.)

And, I thought about this while I watched Child 1 watching his beloved YouTube videos of BART trains and I thought: running back and forth flapping his hands, whispering about BART trains and making noises that sound like BART trains are what make him happy; as odd as that sounds to somebody without autism, it's just how it is. And he's going to carry these preferences with him into adulthood, and I need to be prepared to reject my own ideas about what makes for happiness and accept whatever he comes up with, because, more than anything, I want my kids to be happy.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Song of the day: Warmer Days

Blues Traveler, from their first album, self titled, when John Popper was still fat and still had soul, with fucking Joan Osborne in the background. Is anything better??????????????? I couldn't find a video, and I spent about an hour and a half trying to find something I could share and in the end I gave up and just bought it.

I'm just testing something

What? I told you I was just testing something. What did you expect to see here?

What I've typed will be a window into my madness

I'm fucking losing it. I'm so stressed out, so busy, so irritated all the time. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like somebody is holding my head under water and I'm thrashing around and I can't breathe... and there's no end in sight. It's going to go on like this indefinitely; until one of us loses or quits a job (which is bad) or I go fucking postal on some stranger because they've parked their shopping cart in front of me while on their cell phone (less bad, but more frowned on by society). At least I'm not getting sick, which I thought I was yesterday but I actually got some sleep last night (hubs 4tw) and it went away. Which means, of course.....


Stick around tonight, things may get interesting. Oh, and whoever can tell me what that reference is in my title up there gets a prize. AN AWESOME PRIZE.


As I suspected she would, Tina from The Teething Mom got my Simpsons reference in about 90 seconds. And, as I am a woman of my word, I will give her the awesome prize that I promised her. May I present..... A picture of my leg that I just took, wearing Simpsons pajamas!! CONGRATULATIONS TINA!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Why I love blogging (now) - UPDATED!! !! !

I never really knew what blogging was until recently. My only experience with it had been in the form of political bloggers who used their forum to blather on and on about whatever opinion they had at the moment. I used to proudly proclaim that "I don't read blogs, because I don't care what other people think" and that's very true; I don't care what other people think, never cared for hearing people's opinions unless I asked for them, so why the hell would I want to read somebody yammering about whatever shit I don't care about? My other experience with blogging is that it is used to basically pour your heart out; lots of serious stuff about what's going on in your life, and I just don't have the stamina, energy or interest to keep anything like that going.

Then about 6 months ago I discovered Allie Brosh at Hyperbole and a Half (her artwork is pictured above) and I spent about 2-3 days reading every single thing she ever wrote. She is obviously both a story teller and a cartoonist, but if you go back to the very beginning of her blog (which I did) you'll find that she hasn't always been like that; she just started yammering in blog form and eventually she evolved into the format that she has now, and I thought "Fuck it, I can do that," (except for the artwork; see my logo) and this blog was born. I had (have) no idea what I was doing, but I've been chatting in various online forums for years now and I've gotten used to typing to somebody instead of talking to them, so using the keyboard to communicate is just really easy for me. But, I'm not a writer; I mean, I'm really not. My friend, H's mom, keeps telling me that I am, but I think she's full of shit and she's just saying that because she's my friend. I'm not comfortable writing, it doesn't feel natural; but I am comfortable talking, so when I'm typing here I'm basically just talking with my hands. Not like sign language, though; WAY lamer than sign language.

One thing I AM good at, though, is the snarky one-liner, which brings me to my long-awaited point. (I swear there's a point to this shit, I'm getting to it) There's a whole fucking internet community out there of people who are funny and may or may not have a point to what they write (although they seem to have much more of a point than I do), but I'm finding them as a result of this blog and now I have an entire WORLD of places in which to write snarky one-liner comments. I mean... it's a goddamn gold mine. And they're all nuts, too, so they don't mind!

And this is why I love blogging. Not because it gives me an outlet for my crazy ramblings, but because other people's blogs do. And, on that note, I would like to list for you the various blogs I visit so that you can go there and be snarky, too. I considered making my own award for these guys, but.... eh. Fuck it, I don't have that kind of energy, plus I'm getting sick and Child 2 is being a pissy little brat right now. So, if you're listed here, and you're happy about that, um.... send me some money! Sure. I mean, why not?

Mommy is Teething
Not Just Another Mother Blogger
Autism Army Mom
Little Bit Quirky
Wait. What? (great name)
It's a Lollipop World
I'm Just That Way and That's Just Me
Big Daddy Autism
Miss Melicious


I forgot my friend Kimberly at The Only Child Chronicles and now I feel like a complete tool. Let's make it up to her by going over there and saying REALLY snarky things!

Mom my ride

In case any of you haven't seen this yet.

I was inspired to post this after taking the following picture of the back of my car:

I've seen this video hundreds of times and I still can't stop laughing. "Duct tape is the perfect way to say 'sorry, fellas, this lady's got a man'."

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Special Needs Blog Hop


I just realized I missed it last week. :( Bummer.

This Weeks Topic:  Tell us a funny memory involving your child or children.

For somebody who doesn't have Alzheimer's, I have the worst memory in the world. I'm not kidding.... in the world... so, I have no memories of my children. It's kind of sad, actually. Luckily, however, I've been writing about them on various online forums for the past 8 years. So... I can just copy and paste! Here are 2 things I've written in the past about Child 1:
Child 1, his tutors and I all went to the fire house today; they've been working on his pretending skills and they've been doing "Firefighter," so this was our research assignment, to see an actual fire house, the real engine, the real hose, etc. Child 1 was totally unthrilled, he just wanted to run back and forth in front of the giant trucks and for some reason was terrified that if he got on one it would start up and ride away.

After our tour, the very nice firefighter woman who had been very patient the whole time asked Child 1 "is there anything else you want to see?" and Child 1 says....

"I want to see a fire."
We're at Costco and hubs got a smoothie. Child 1 asks him what it is, and hubs had just enough time to say "This is called a, uh...." before Child 2 knocked it out of his hand and onto the floor. So, that's what Child 1 called it!

"He knocked the Uh onto the floor!" "Oh, no, what happened to the Uh?" and then when I got another one "Can I have the cup of Uh, now?"

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Song of the day: Althea

No explanation necessary, I think. This is the version from Without a Net, which I think is my favorite.

Edit: Opon further inspection, I chose a bad video; whoever made it fucked up all the lyrics, for one, plus it's kind of annoying. Whatever.

Descent into madness, Day 4: Is it over yet?

Somewhere in my house right now there exists a pair of pants full of poop. I have no idea where, I have no idea which pants they are, all I know is that Child 1 just appeared in the room, naked from the waist down with a crack-full. He has no idea where they are, no idea what room he was in when he took them off, all he can tell me is that the pants are "out of service."

Y'know, the day started out fine enough, my new client canceled and even though I would prefer to do something that pays money, it was nice to have a few hours off. I went for a walk, I took a nap! I did a bunch of laundry, I cleaned things. Look, I was all ready with a post about how productive I was today and had a picture ready for you guys:

Awesomeness by Allie Brosh

But now I'm just exhausted and feel like I've been beaten into the ground. Missing pantsfulls of poop will do that to you, I guess. And there's still dinnertime and bedtime to get through. Somebody tell me something funny.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Descent into madness, Day 3: I am so tired

Awwwww..... look at that.... sleeping so peacefully.... in my bed..... AT 8:15 THIS MORNING. WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU LAZY KIDS!!!

Oh my god I think I'm dying, but I feel obligated to write something, even though I'm not even sure if anybody even cares about my adventures in Singleparenthood. (What you people don't realize is that I require constant validation to keep this thing going. By the way, you should be impressed that I had the energy to make those words italics; it was an enormous effort.) I think I actually reached Nirvana a minute ago when Child 1 agreed to play Twister with Child 2 so that I wouldn't have to. Is it shiny, Nirvana? Because what I saw was shiny.

Child 2 and I have started squabbling like some old married couple. Does he have to ask so many questions all the time? Why does he have to be so much like me?? (My mom would be laughing her ass off at me if she were able to figure out how to get here and read this without me posting it on Facebook.)  Luckily I was able to pawn him off on his friend H for 3 hours this afternoon and I was able to actually have an adult conversation with H's Mom that didn't involve bookkeeping. Or did it? I honestly don't remember. I do remember getting shot with a nerf gun, though. Maybe there was some long term damage.

I know this is making no sense, but it's good because I'm making good on my promise of incoherent ramblings. Also I'm really tired. Did I mention that yet? I didn't change the clock in the room I'm in right now so I keep thinking it's an hour later than it really is, which would mean bedtime for all of us, which makes me very happy until I realize that I forgot to change the clock in this room and bedtime isn't for another hour. And that makes me sad.

I have a new client tomorrow, I hope I'm able to form sentences, or at least mash my fist into the adding machine a couple of times and pretend that I know how to reconcile a bank account. 

Okay, so... tune in tomorrow, when... something something.... *trail off* ......

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Descent into madness, Day 2: The easy part is over

Definitely the hardest part about this pretend single parenting I've been doing is not that I'm responsible for everything; the food, the clothing, the entertainment, the bed times, etc., it's that there's nobody here to take over when I need to say "OMG GET THIS FUCKING KID OUT OF MY SIGHT OR I'M GOING TO LOSE IT." I just have to deal with it and hope I don't fucking snap. Weekends are easy, though, since nobody has to actually be anywhere at any time unless we want to; it's the upcoming week that's going to be hard. I'm working every day, it's still parent/teacher conference week so they're out ridiculously early every day, if you were going to fear for the life of anybody in this house, it would be in the next 3 days. Just FYI.

My kids are such a cliche, during the week I have to drag their little asses out of bed to go to school but on the weekend they're up with the fucking birds, and this morning was no exception. The exception, though, is that they were up an hour earlier than the fucking birds because of the fucking time change. FUCK! Also: FUCK! Luckily our awesome babysitter who is awesome needed some money so she came by and hung out with them for a few hours while I went back to sleep. It was quite amazing how much of a better mood I was in when I woke up the second time. Imagine that.

Pillow-Pet Volleyball. Not kidding about that. Observant readers will notice that he's still wearing the same shirt he was wearing yesterday when I took his picture. Non-observant readers will now notice that because I've pointed it out.

But it rained all day so we were stuck inside playing Pillow-Pet Volleyball for much of the day. There are a lot of really arbitrary rules in Pillow-Pet Volleyball; at one point I was winning 502 to 1 but then I accidentally knocked off the velcro and turned it from a pet back into a pillow and I lost all my points and ended up losing the game. I really need to get myself to practice more often but it's hard, you know, with the schedule and the work and stuff. There was also much tormenting of cats today. Those poor, poor cats....

Tune in tomorrow when we find out which of the cats has scratched which child and what the results were!

Slowing down

Sometimes I get stuck "underneath a boy," as I call it, which means that one of them comes along and sits on me. It's a very different experience depending on which on it is; Child 2 will generally bounce and jump and ask a zillion questions about whatever and in the end he'll give me an order of some sort. But sometimes Child 1 will sit on me, and I'm forced to slow myself down. I'll never ask him to get up because I love that he volunteers to share space with me (don't love that at 3 in the morning, but love it when I'm awake). Usually it means I lose the use of my hands so there's nothing to do but just stop whatever I'm doing and sit and wait.

It's weird, being forced to slow down like that at random intervals throughout the day. I have nothing but my thoughts and the sound of the child whispering in my ear about BART trains. There's no computer, no blackberry, no rushing around trying to get stuff done, I just sit there with my beautiful child on top of me. It's probably not something I would ever do if he wasn't sitting on me, and just now I was thinking about how unusual it was for me to just sit and do nothing.

Try it sometimes, just sitting and doing nothing. Turn off the TV if you keep it on, no music, no computer, don't talk, just think.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Descent into madness, Day 1: So far so good

So, I'm finishing up my first day as a single parent and I'm happy to report that everybody is still alive. It helped that Child 2 had a 4 hour playdate in the middle of the day, so I was able to get some quality alone time with Child 1, which I NEVER get to do. He's so passive and sweet and so easily pushed aside by bigger personalities, and Child 2 has always had the personality of 10 kids his age, and it's usually the 3 of us together and it's all C2, C2, C2 all the time. So, it was very nice to spend time with him today, he just operates on a completely different wavelength than I'm used to. He processes things very slowly. I actually learned last year from our beloved Speech Therapist that when you ask a "normie" a question, we generally need about 3 seconds to process the question and respond, and she told me that when I talk to him I should ask and then wait, because he's processing what I've said, he just needs some time. I learned that he needs 6 seconds to process a question (so I'm always asking.... and then counting to 6.... and THEN asking again if I have to, but usually the 6 seconds is long enough and he'll get there) So things with him are slower, but he's SO sweet and kind and beautiful and wonderful and I was happy to hang out with him alone for 4 hours.

Yeah, we went to Target, where he was allowed to pick out anything he wanted. Fuck it, I'll spoil the kid for the day, it's so unusual that he gets to choose anything without C2 input. He chose: tortillas, bologna, jello, chocolate ice cream, hamburger buns and a 50-pack of markers. And he skipped the whole time we were there; he's so fucking adorable! He says "Mama, look at my funny run" and off he goes skipping down the paper towel aisle. And I let him play with the elevators for a while; he wanted to open the doors, run in, press the button and then run out before the doors closed. We encountered many normies who didn't quite know what to make of this behavior. Fuck 'em, I didn't explain and didn't care. Let my child do what he wants in Target on a Saturday morning, you jerks!

Then once C2 was home it was all him him him as usual and C1 was shunted to the background to watch his BART videos. I was then forced to watch YouTube videos of kittens some more, and occasionally was able to free myself, hence the weird blog hop below. (Feel free to add made up shit to that, by the way, I've done my experiment and am over it). I've actually been REALLY bored. Somebody needs to volunteer to entertain me for the next few days!!!

They're still awake now but we're winding things down which means I can start watching porn pretty soon. I mean, um.... reruns of House. I'm going to watch reruns of House on Hulu. *cough*

No Obligation Blog Hop

Okay, I'll be honest.... I'm a little bored right now. I'm on my own with the kids, we're done with our activities for the day. I'm missing my cousin's birthday party tonight which makes me sad, I don't drink when I'm alone with the kids and have nothing but the computer to entertain me at the moment (not really a TV fan). I've read all my blogs today and answered all my emails and I REFUSE to watch any more YouTube videos of kittens. I am not kidding about that last one... I am DONE with that particular activity.

So, I thought... fuck it, I'll make a blog hop, just to see what happens. So, this is my Saturday No Obligation Blog Hop. Just sign up below and then you don't have to do anything else. You can link to me if you want, or not, you can link to other people who have signed up, or not, you can comment in various places, or not.... this is like a "whatever, just sign up and then you're cool" kind of thing. I just want to see how these work from this side of things.

Okay, this one is actually kind of funny:

Friday, November 5, 2010

Things I find in my house IV



Oh. Oh, I see. It's a broken piece from that glow-in-the-dark pitchfork that Child 2 used as part of his Halloween costume. Right. That makes sense. Okay, good. Phew.

See, here's what a complete pitchfork looks like. I couldn't find a picture of this actual item, but you get the idea. Why? What did you think that was???

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Things I find in my house III

This is the drum set for Rock Band 2. Those red dots on the pads? Little carefully placed pieces of Play-doh. :)

Hey, remember when I said...

... that I didn't know how single parents did it? Well, I'm about to get a little taste. Hubs is going to New York for 5 days starting Saturday. Anybody want to place bets on who in this house will still be alive when he returns? Or sane? Or still here? It's likely that either Child 2 or myself might either kill the other or simply run away. Actually, he probably wouldn't run away because he would make me come with him, and then Child 1 won't want to go, but I can't leave him home by himself, so then we'll all argue about running away for a while and in the end nobody will go anywhere. And that's when somebody might get hurt. Incidentally, I had to fucking wrestle this computer out of the control of Child 2 who was WATCHING THAT GODDAMN FARTING CAT VIDEO AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN so that I could post this.

So, watch out while I slowly lose my mind over the next 5-6 days! I'll do it all here, for your viewing pleasure. And if anybody lives near me and wants to maybe stop by and check to see if we're all just lifeless corpses, maybe around Monday night next week, that might not be such a bad idea.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A dream come true for Child 2

Look! Cats and farts: TOGETHER. This video combines his two most favorite things IN. THE. WORLD. You don't even want to know how many times I've been forced to watch this video tonight. Also: somebody please kill me.

A gift from my friend Kat

Awwww, look! She loves me and gave me this picture from the rally!!

On a related note, here's a picture of me playing Rock Band in a Snuggie. I <3 Snuggies!! (I'm not actually smiling here, I'm saying "FEEEEEEE YEEE YEEEE YEEEEEEED MY EYES")

Motherfucking Carpe Diem

My husband's stepmother died yesterday; his father's 3rd wife. I didn't really know her, I only met her a few times; I don't really know my father-in-law, either; they live in New York and we see them maybe once a year. She had been sick for a while, she had some crazy neurological disorder that the doctors couldn't identify. But over the course of the past few years she gradually lost all of her motor functions; in the end she had none and she ended up dying from choking on her food because, I guess, her throat couldn't get the food down. What a horrible, horrible thing to happen to anybody, and a horrible thing to have to watch a loved one go through. Hubs' dad stayed by her side throughout the whole thing, I can't even imagine.

They say that you're supposed to watch what you eat, get enough exercise, take care of your body and you can stave off disease and live a long time, but the truth is that none of that really makes a difference, because any of us can get struck down by some random, unnamed neurological disorder at any time, and it wouldn't matter how much we worked out or how well we avoided red meat. So, fuck it, man. There is no better time like now to remember that life is fucking short, so why avoid doing things that you love in the off chance you might live a little bit longer? Eat the meat; drink the vodka; smoke the cigarettes. Fuck it, why not? And don't forget to tell the people you love that you love them, because one day you might not be able to work your mouth muscles and you'll regret never having said it.

So, right now, is there anybody out there that you love? Have you told them lately? Go make sure they know. Right now. Go.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Day Today: A Rage Comic

This is EXACTLY how my day went today, although I did leave out the part where I discovered that my second client hadn't paid me yet for last month; I figured this out by looking through her books, though, not because of my own records. That's how good of a Bookkeeper I am. Click to embiggen.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Song of the day: Go to Sleep

Oh my god I think I've just died; or temporarily lost consciousness in some manner. Check this out, it's Mumford & Sons doing a cover of an Avett Brothers' song. As usual, ignore the crappy video quality and just listen.

More blogging for Autism

Yesterday afternoon, long before trick or treating started, I walked into our Living Room looking for Child 1 and discovered that HE had discovered the giant bowl of candy that was meant for the trick or treaters. I found him surrounded by wrappers with the bowl in his lap. Through a very full mouth he informed me that he would stop eating candy right after this one last piece. As usual, Halloween night ended with us running out of candy way too soon and us turning off the lights and hiding downstairs. This happens every year, and probably would have happened despite the child's miraculous find, but just a little bit later.

Today was a school day and we kept the boys home because hubs is home and I was feeling a bit under the weather (*cough*toomuchvodka*cough*) and didn't have the energy to drag their tired little asses out of bed and get them to school, so hubs stayed home with them while I went off to work, which was a good thing because the first thing that happened today was Child 1 barfing chocolate all over the most heavily traveled part of our house. I had to put his beloved blankets in the washing machine, which is probably one of the worst parts of him barfing, because he hates to be without them. Right now he's lying completely buck naked on the couch asking me about every 15 minutes if his blankets are dry yet. They're not even done being washed. It's going to be a long couple of hours.

So, what does this have to do with not being silent for a Communication Shutdown for autism? Well, both not much and also everything. (HA HA! I'm SUCH an enigma!) I understand that the purpose of the Shutdown is to raise awareness of the difficulties people with autism have in communicating, but I don't see how remaining silent will accomplish that goal. Also considering how many people with autism cannot speak but who can type and can communicate via the social media we're supposed to be avoiding today (Amanda Baggs and Carly Fleischmann are 2 that come immediately to mind). What, I think, will raise more awareness is if those of us who have loved ones with autism, and those of us who have autism, continue to talk and type and share how it effects us, in my opinion this can raise so much more awareness than shutting everything down for a day.

And so, I have shared with you my story about too much chocolate and the horror of having to wait for beloved blankets to come out of the wash. It's really not anything specific to autism but it's what's happened to my child with autism today and I wanted to say something.

He's feeling better, by the way, once you get rid of all that crap from your stomach it's always an amazing recovery.

I'm blogging for Autism today!

I don't have a lot of time right now to write anything long, but I have to talk about this very quickly. I'm going to quote my friend Cheryl over at Little Bit Quirky who has phrased what is happening today perfectly, and then I'll come back this afternoon to say more:
There is an international movement for today to be Communication Shutdown Day. This is an effort to raise funds and awareness about autism. The idea is to donate a minimum of $5, then not use the internet for the entire day on November 1st. This means no blogging, e-mailing, facebooking, or Twittering.

Per the website that is behind this movement: "Our aim is to simply encourage a greater understanding from people outside the autism community. Social network users have become reliant and even addicted to platforms like Facebook and Twitter. And if they shutdown for 1 day, they will feel a sense of disconnection and a sense of frustration. By creating a little empathy, we hope to encourage a wider understanding and acceptance of people with autism - an understanding we recognise those in the autism community already have."

While I think it's great that they're trying to raise money and empathy, I think it's misguided to believe that someone staying off Facebook for the day would experience what a person with autism experiences. I LOVE the internet as much as anyone, but I don't think depriving myself of it will give me a deeper understanding or empathy. I think it would force me to call friends or actually have coffee with friends instead. The communication shutdown would force me to socialize, which is the opposite of what the aim of it is about!

I encourage you to donate to the autism charity you support (feel free to write me a check. Just kidding. Sort of). That would be great! But I'm also asking you to not avoid the internet like the plague. Please read up on other autism blogs or other sites featuring information on autism. I much rather people read the information that exists on the internet than avoid the internet to simulate something that really cannot be simulated.

If you can encourage your friends and family to visit some blogs or tweet or update their Facebook page about their support of family and friends affected by autism, that would be super too!

If you choose to follow Communication Shutdown Day, you're certainly entitled to make that choice. I'm choosing to not shut up!