xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: Help me get a new kitchen!

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Help me get a new kitchen!

I originally wrote this in May 2011 and am reposting now, because, uhhh.... because I hate my fridge. That's why.

A while back I was reading this article about Dooce and how she's this awesome powerful Mommy blogger and this one time she was having some issues with her washing machine or something so she put the call out on her blog asking for help? And her readers did something and got her what she wanted? Okay, I'm vague on the specifics, but I do know that she harnessed the power of the internet and major appliances were involved.

So... it got me thinking. I have 425 followers and I need a kitchen remodel! I'll ask YOU guys to help me! Surely Home Depot or Ikea or somebody would succumb to the constant pressure of 425 daily requests for a free kitchen makeover, amiright???????? And we could promise them free advertising in the form of a product review (seriously!) that we could guarantee AT LEAST 425 people would see. I simply do not see a downside to this plan.

And so... I will make my case. And the power of the internet will be harnessed and I will somehow get a new kitchen out of it!

Okay, so first.... there's a bit of history to this house. It was built in the 1920's but at some point in the 1970's the house next door literally fell on top of the kitchen and the front room. So, those two rooms were re-built in the 70's and still contain the original 70's decor. Observe....

That right there is VINTAGE 1970's linoleum, people

That's kind of coming apart at the edges. I think a cat did this. I mean, it makes sense.

Here we see a crack in the linoleum that has been covered up by masking tape. Or, if anybody asks, that's the line you stand on when you throw darts; which, oddly, nobody has.

Our cabinets: U.G.L.Y.  you ain't got no alibi... you UGLY.

Actually the 1970's garbage disposal still works fine, I just wanted to make a picture of a zombie garbage disposal

So, that's the ugly 1970's decor. And now for the very odd and inconvenient use of space....

Are YOU a contortionist? No? Me either! Thus neither of us will be able to get things in and out of these cabinets. There's a matching set on the other side of the room.

But the part of my kitchen that I hate the most, am constantly complaining about (sorry hubs) and want to change more than anything? I'll show you...

This is our fridge. Isn't it a pretty fridge? I like our pretty fridge. It's what they call a "Wide by Side." I don't know why. Except... I also hate our pretty fridge.

See how there's very little space there? Well, that freezer door opens right into that very little space, and then SLAMS right into the cabinet. Like this...


So, the door barely opens, which means it's almost impossible to get stuff in and out of there. Which means things just get crammed in there all willy nilly and then I just pray the door will close. And then things get totally lost underneath and behind because I can't ever open the door wide enough to look in there.

JUST enough space to squeeze through only the most important frozen food items.

I'm constantly slamming the freezer door repeatedly into the side of the cabinet in order to make the point that there's not enough room there. (I only do that when hubs is in the room and I feel like fucking with him). There's nothing we can do, though, short of getting a new fridge (which I've considered and ultimately rejected due to extreme laziness) because that's where the water line and the big fancy plug is so there's no other spot in the kitchen where it can go. Also that's where the fridge space has clearly been carved out; there's just no other spot in the room where a giant fridge would fit. And NO I didn't take this into account when we bought the fucking thing so shut up!

I know we could just have these things replaced piece by piece, and we'll likely do that shit eventually, but for now?... I WANT A NEW KITCHEN, PEOPLE.

Come on, Internet! Let's make this shit happen.