Some days you get the autism, and some days the autism gets you

I was waiting for this morning; I've been waiting for 2 1/2 weeks now and somehow I was still surprised by it. It's the third week of school and the honeymoon phase is over. The harsh, cold reality of "there is school every day" has sunk in and Child 1 has begun to rebel. It started on Sunday night when he didn't want to go to bed by himself and lead up to this morning, when he had a meltdown (a meltdown for him, anyway; even his meltdowns are pretty mellow). He threw a bowl of Cheerios away, and he hit me. Although, saying he hit me isn't really that dramatic, since he's so skinny and weak and has that hypertonia going on, his "hit" doesn't really pack much of a punch, but still. He very rarely does anything even close to that, so when he's crying and hitting me it's something to take very seriously.

First I tried to get him to tell me exactly what the problem was, which is always a waste of time, because I know what the problem is: he doesn't like school! And he can't really get specific about that, at least not specific enough to satisfy me, although he does try. He threw out things like "this is the real reason why I don't want to go to school, because I have to do math," and "I have P.E." etc.

The truth is that he doesn't like school, and he didn't want to go. I tried to fight it but it just kept getting worse because the more I tried the worse his anxiety got. So, I hinted at him staying home, to see what kind of reaction I would get (duh). Unfortunately, Child 2 heard that and immediately says "If Child 1 doesn't have to go to school, then I don't have to go to school. That's not fair."

Well, shit. He's right, you know. Now, of course I always have the option of saying "because I said so" and forcing him in the car, but he's right that it's not fair. Child 1 isn't sick and even if Child 2 understood the nuances of autism, which he doesn't, he's still only 7 and uses 7 year old reasoning and 7 year old reasoning says that if his brother isn't sick and gets to stay home then he should, too.

It was at that point that I just said fuck it, everybody stays home. I didn't have anything to do that I couldn't reschedule (but I was sad, because Danielle and I were going to have lunch, and I don't often get to do fun stuff during the day ) and I just didn't have the energy to fight it.

So, fuck it. You win this round, autism. I admit my defeat, partly because I was caught unprepared for something I should have been prepared for but mostly because I just didn't have it in me to put up a fight. They both get to stay home today, but they're not allowed to do anything fun! No TV and no computer and no iPod until 3:00!!! That's how I put my foot down, I can't be a complete loser in this scenario. That, of course, didn't stop me from feeling like a complete loser, waste of a mom, totally defeated by failure.

I know that's not true, but that's how I felt.

Maybe tomorrow, right?

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Insanity, cont'd

So, remember when I wrote about how all these kids and cats loved me so much that they were all smothering me practically to death? Well, you may have noticed that I talked about 3 cats and only 1 kid who were doing this. There's a reason for that, but I saved it for a separate post.

It's funny because of all the small creatures who live in my house, the only one of them that I wouldn't mind smothering me would be Child 1, except he practically never comes near me any more. Oh, he'll ask for food, and he'll ask for help getting Child 2 to leave him alone, but he never "hangs out" with me, and he never spends extended periods of time in the same room as me. He spends time with Child 2, in the mancave, playing Mario Kart, but otherwise he's usually in his room by himself drawing or something.

It's frustrating. I'm very frustrated. I can see in his face that something is going on in his head, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is or how to get him to tell me what it is. I know he doesn't like school, I know he doesn't like doing homework, I know that the workload in 4th grade has massively increased over last year, so I can only assume that these are the things that are bothering him, but I don't know for sure and I feel so shitty about it. I've talked to everybody at school and nobody has any clue.

I ask him what's going on and he always says "nothing." I sit with him and ask him what he's doing and how he's feeling, and he says "please leave me alone now" (one of the first skills he learned in ABA: to verbalize when he wants to be alone. Great job?) I stop him and make him look me in the eye and promise me that he's okay, and he does, but I know it's not true. I know he's feeling bad, because I look at his beautiful face and I can tell. I'm his mother and I know something is going on. He has red circles under his eyes and he's constantly pretending to be sick so that he doesn't have to go to school. I want to know what it is. I want to know!! I can't help him feel better if I don't know why he's feeling bad. I feel awful, and helpless, and frustrated, and sad; most of the time.

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? 

UPDATE: I've talked to everybody at the school and they're all totally perplexed by this because, they say, at school he's perfectly fine. He's happy, he's compliant, he does the work, he does a great job, all is well. Then WTF????????? We're going to have him talk to the school psychologist and see if she can get anything. I'm totally at a loss and I feel like a total failure. I'm a shitty mom, I can't even get my kid to tell me why he's falling apart emotionally. I suck. I feel like shit. FUCK!!!!!!

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All of my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know my head is a mess

I'm cranky. Like... bad cranky. You don't need to know the specifics. Unless you want to know. And then I still won't tell you. (call me!)

All I want to do is sit on my couch and eat the food I just made (for myself, and only myself, because I'm the only person in my house who actually eats what I cook. I'm a goddamn good cook, too, you ungrateful little shits) and watch Dexter (and NOT Jake and the Go Fuck Yourself Pirates) and not have to share my computer with a child looking over my shoulder ("oooh! Is that a kitty! Wait, scroll up, I want to see the kitty! AWWWWW Look at the kitty!! So cute! Wait, I want to keep looking at the kitty. Go back to the kitty!") and not have to tell somebody what the exact time is on the hour every hour ("No! It's not Six Fifty Four, it's Six Fifty FIVE.") and not have anybody screaming my name from the other room ("MAAAAAAAMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA") and not have to do anything at all for as long as I want.

I was just re-reading This is Not that Blog, because I like to go back to my favorite blogs and re-read them, especially ones with cartoons, because they never get old to me (also Hyperbole and a Half. Pure gold, every time), and I thought I'd try my hand at drawing.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Anyway, here's a Song of the Day, it's where the title of this post came from. She's awesome.

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