My kid is crazy & things we did today

I'm combining two unrelated topics into one post today, because that's just how I roll, baby. Also I think I've been posting too much. I've posted 51 times in the month of February! There are only 28 days in the month. If I were able to do math, I could tell you how many times a day I've been posting, but, ehhhh. I'm lazy, so you figure it out.  But don't let that stop you from voting for me. No, I'm serious. Seriously.

On the other hand, I'm sorry, I don't usually do politics, but this is pissing me off. To all of you who watched and enjoyed the Oscars last night, did you know that almost every single person who won and accepted an award last night is a member of a union? Do you watch movies? Do you enjoy talent? And the fashion? Do you have an opinion about what's going on in Wisconsin right now? Think about it.

The following stories are brought to you by the oligarchy in which we live. Thank you, rich people and corporate owners of America, who still allow me to have a computer and an internet connection. For now......

STORY THE FIRST

Tyger (formerly known as Child 2; this is going to take some time to get used to) is totally fucking nuts. We're hanging out, doing, uh... stuff?... and I think we were fake fighting or something? We do that sometimes. Fake fight. Anyway, he says "If you don't stop I'm going to have to start calling you 'Chicken Broth'!"

Chicken Broth? Yeah, I have no idea. But, I tell him "well, if I'm 'Chicken Broth' that makes you 'Mini Chicken Broth'."

"Mini Chicken Broth!!"

He's delighted.

And then he proceeds to name all of our cats in a similar manner.

Spike is Tiny Chicken Broth

Spot is Tiny Chicken Broth with Spots

McDougal is Scaredy Chicken Broth

Charlie is Fat Chicken Broth ("because he's fat")

And then he starts running back and forth and SCREAMING "TINY CHICKEN BROTH! TINY CHICKEN BROTH!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! TINY CHICKEN BROTH! TINY CHICKEN BROTH!!"

Seriously, man, the kid is fucking nutballs.

I don't know where he gets it from.

Also: here's the library book he checked out this week:

Seriously? Enough already, kid. Come on.

STORY THE SECOND

We took the boys out on their scooters today. Apparently there's this jogging/biking path that goes through town. Seriously, I've lived here for 12? years and I can't believe I never knew about this thing. It's perfect for scootering, particularly since it's right underneath the BART tracks.

They were fucking adorable. (Can I say "fucking" here?) They were so fucking adorable. And Bart (Child 1. Seriously, man, this is really hard) is surprisingly good at scootering. This is a kid with hyptertonia who will NEVER be an athlete, but I was damn impressed at how gracefully he rode his scooter. Considering that they were Hanukkah gifts, and it's only March, I'm incredibly impressed at how good he's gotten at it.

Tyger was doing his best to keep up with his brother, but he is shorter and clumsier and it was so awesome how hard he was trying. This is the first time ever that I've seen them have one of those "big/little brother" moments where the little one wants to be like the big one. It was very very sweet.

"Wait for me, Bart!"

This is perfect because you can just make out the BART logo on the train

OH MY GOD IT'S A BART TRAIN! IT'S A BART TRAIN! LOOK MAMA IT'S A BART TRAIN!!!!!!!!

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I am changing the names of my children

For those of you who are cool enough to have listened to me on Autism WTF earlier this week, you will have already heard my confession. For the rest of you... the less cool people.... this revelation will be completely new to you.

My children are not actually named Child 1 and Child 2.

I know.

I KNOW.

You're shocked that I've been perpetrating this fraud against you for the uhhhhhhhhhhhh..... 9 months that I've been blogging; but it's true. These are not their real names.

Go ahead, take a moment. I'll wait for you to compose yourselves.

Does it really matter what I call them, though? I could be using their real names and just saying they aren't their real names, and would any of you know? Some of you would know, yes, but most of you would not. (I read on a new blog I saw the other day where a mom calls her kids Autie and Tippy. Get it? Autie and Tippy? So awesome. I don't remember where it was, but nice work, whoever you are!)

Well, apparently... to some people... it does matter. People who know them, and me, and therefore, by request, I am now officially changing how I refer to my children here on my blog.

First, the new names. This was written in the comments of some other piece of crap post that I wrote yesterday, by my awesome cousin Emily:

ATTENDEZ-VOUS! Readers of Y. GT. Child 1, the modelicious, chestnut-haired, autism-afflicted 9 year old man-cave dwelling viewer of BARTs and elevators shall be hereafter renamed.... BART! (You didn't see that coming, did you, Cousin Smo?)

His charming, sweet-talking, moon-showing cat-harassing gap-toothed five year old NT brother shall hereafter be known as TYGER.

BART AND TYGER.

Put THAT in yer blog and smoke it.

(The above is to be quoted wherever you see fit.) 

Okay, first of all, yeah. I didn't see Bart coming, and MAN is that embarrassing. Not only does it fit with his love of BART trains, it also fits with MY love of The Simpsons. So, really, it's perfect. And Tyger? I don't know what the fuck that is, but if that's what Emily says, then, fine.... that's what I'll do. (except, she tells me, that she almost named Child 2 "Santa's Little Helper." LMAO!!!!!!!!!! I might not have done it... honestly.... )

Wait. What? Since when do I take orders from anybody? Seriously, I don't normally do what people tell me to do. It's kind of this "thing" I have; in fact, usually, when somebody tells me to do something, I will do the exact opposite, just to piss them off. This can be a problem in the work environment. Good thing I'm a contractor.

Except, really, it's just a fucking blog, so who cares? And, there are some very good reasons why I would take an order about my kids' bloggy names from Emily, and nobody else (except hubs), which brings me to the point of this blathering:

- Probably most of you weren't reading my crap around Thanksgiving, so please take a moment to read this. It's not a trick, I promise! (THIS is a trick) That (first) link will take you to another thing that I wrote, about my cousin, and is important here because it explains a lot (and I don't feel like re-writing everything I already wrote a few months ago.)

- We are the geekiest family ever. She's been online since 1991 and has had the same username the whole time. I'VE been online since 1994 and have also had the same username. She's younger than I am, and has been online longer than I have! If my brother were still alive he would say that he's been online since 1987 or something. Our. Family. Rules. Teh. Geek.

- Emily was at my house last? week and was telling me about how she's a fan of all of YOU guys. Yeah, she reads everything you guys write. I mean, like... more than I do. I was embarrassed at how much more she knew about you guys than I did.

Here are some of the things she said when she was here (and I shit you not this is real, because I've been emailing with her while I was writing this, because I have the worst memory ever, and she confirmed it all)

- I love how Lynn labeled Audrey's shrinkey-dink "shiv" (I fucking loved that, too. SO MUCH.)

- It was great how Little Bird's birthday cake had her name spelled out in M&Ms and how cool that everybody wanted to be her friend??

- Isn't it funny how Griffin and Child 1 share the same love of elevator videos?

- I liked the video of the gluten free cook with her kids

- Moe and Jelly are adorable, and Jelly is such a good sister

Are you kidding me?? Could you be more awesome?

So, really, what it comes down to is that awesome wins here.

Child 1 = Bart. Child 2 = Tyger.

Fin.

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