xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: Bookkeeping
Showing posts with label Bookkeeping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bookkeeping. Show all posts

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Snarky Bookkeeping, Incorporated

My little side job of Bookkeeping is starting to do pretty well, so on the advice of my attorney (Father) it's time for me to BECOME A REAL BUSINESS. YAY!!!

The problem now, though, is that I need a name. And, being a Bookkeeper, I lack creativity.

I asked Child 2 for help and for some reason he found that really embarrassing. I asked Hubs for help and he said "why don't you blog about it?"

So, here we are. Help me fill in the blank, would you?


_____________________ Bookkeeping, Inc.




Monday, July 18, 2011

Soooooo.... here's a little story I like to tell....

Note: This is long. If you'd like to not have to read it all but still want to find out the gist of the story, skip to the end for a TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)

Some and/or none of you might remember that about 5 months ago I blogged that My Husband is Cool, because he had given me the world's most awesome gift. At the time I said I wasn't going to explain and ever since then I've been DYING to blog about this, but I made myself wait until the whole thing was over. If you make it through this whole long thing, you'll understand why.

Here's the background: I am a freelance Bookkeeper. I have 7 clients and I am a contractor for them all. I set my own hours and for all of them except one I have determined my own hourly rate.

I have been with one of my clients for a year and a half. I started as employee by answering a CraigsList ad and it was only after I started working there that things took off for me and I started picking up other clients. At that time I asked if she would switch me from employee to contractor but I didn't ask for a raise. She agreed.

Last year was a rough year for her (I even fucking blogged about her before) and for a while we weren't really sure how she was going to make it, but we all stuck it out and she pulled through, quite nicely, actually. She's fine now. During that time, though, I was checking my work email from home during all hours of the day and the week, and I was checking her bank balance at all hours, because I was worried about payroll going through and such. She knew all of this, because I would always email her about our bank balance whenever I checked it.

Her office was a minimum 30 minute drive from my house and she paid me the least amount of money (almost half) of what I make from everybody else. I had gotten pretty busy in the first part of this year, so much so that I was not only turning potential clients down, but I actually had to let one go because I just didn't have the time. I had thought, over the first 2-3 months of this year, that I really should drop her, because of the money and the inconvenience of getting there... but I liked her, and I was loyal to her, and I didn't want to leave her... because I liked her, and that's how I am. Loyal, to a fault. Apparently

So, I had been thinking "maybe after my 1 year anniversary she'll give me a raise; that will make it all worth it." Except, I had been working on the budget, which includes specific instructions to give "a minimum 4% COLA raise for all employees on their anniversary date" but did not include me... because I wasn't an employee. Okay, that's kind of annoying, I figure I'll just have to ask her fore more money; okay, I can do that. I'll wait until my anniversary date, which was mid-February.

In early February there's an email from her to our Office Manager, cc'ed to me (because I get cc'ed on all finance related matters, no matter what it is) saying "I'd like to give all the employees a bonus because they've been working so hard the last month. Can you please purchase 8 $100 gift cards from Amazon.com?" Now, I can add, being a Bookkeeper and all, and I know that there are 9 people on the payroll: 8 employees and 1 contractor: me. So I'm like WTF Boss Lady? (I said this to myself) and I know she's going to hand them out at the February staff meeting so I'll just hang on and see what happens.

Sure enough, at the February staff meeting, everybody got congratulated for working so hard and everybody got an envelope. She even makes a big deal to point out that the IT guy, although he doesn't work directly with the clients, still works really hard and should get a reward. Not me, though. No... I get fucking snubbed. In a very obvious way. People are looking at me and wondering what the deal was.

I. Was. Fucking. Pissed.

The meeting is over and I get up and leave the room, I go to my desk to turn off my computer and she comes up a few minutes later and says "I gave all the employees that because...." seriously.... she fucking trails off..... I say "it's cool" because the only other option there was "GO FUCK YOURSELF, BITCH" which is clearly not appropriate (damn) and she walks away. I shut down my computer and bolt the fuck out of there.

I was fuming. I go home and yell the whole story to hubs. I talk it over with a bunch of folks, and I decide not to make any rash decisions and I will calm down before I make my next move.

This was the gift I woke up to the next morning, which prompted the "my husband is awesome" post, and that I've been sitting on for the past 5 months, dying to share it with you all:


So, at that point, all of my loyalty is completely fucking gone. I felt like I'd been kicked in the ass. I was more hurt than angry, actually. I didn't want revenge, but I couldn't just let it go. I actually thought it over for a few months and I figured that I had 3 options:

1. Do nothing and carry on as I was;
2. Ask for more money and see what happens; or
3. Quit

Obviously #1 wasn't going to happen, I could never live with that. I vacillated between 2 and 3 for a while. If I asked for more money, she might say yes. Actually, she probably would have said yes, and then I would have to stay there, and did I really want to stay there? I had to figure that part out.

My answer came to me one day in a staff meeting. Oh, sorry.... they're called Company Meetings and you have to call them Company Meetings because Staff Meeting is incorrect. This is a PR firm that works with tech companies that I was working for, and I sat there listening to them talk about how to get their clients to use Twitter to increase their business and I was struck by 2 things:

1. The only purpose for this company being in business is to make money. That's all they do. I have a lot of nonprofit clients who do things like provide free counseling to kids in Juvie, or (illegally) promote Democracy in China and not only do they pay me what I'm worth, they actually do something worthwhile. I'm not interested in staying in a place that doesn't appreciate me, doesn't pay me what I'm worth AND serves no purpose other than to make money for themselves.

2. I was in this meeting Tweeting on my phone under the table about the irony of me tweeting on my phone under the table while around me people talked about how to use Twitter to maximize business profitability, and you know what? At the time I write this I have 1,727 Twitter followers. This company has 478. They could probably learn a few things from me about how to use Twitter to maximize your whateverthefuck. What the hell do they actually know about using Twitter, anyway?

So, I decided, I was going to leave. There was still the possibility that once I gave notice, she might suddenly realize how awesome I am and offer me more money? But.... no. Nothing. I quit. I trained my replacement. I left. And now that I've completely left? FINALLY I CAN BLOG ABOUT IT.

There's a slight possibility that she still might see this, especially since I'm fully intending to email this post to 2 of my former co-workers (Hi guys!! Try not to pass this on to anybody who might forward it to You Know Who) but at this point, fuck it. I didn't burn any bridges, I kept emotion out of it, I remained professional, my karma is intact, I think I handled it appropriately. At my very awkward final meeting, she gave me a hug and told me I could still use her as a reference. I won't, though.

She can go fuck herself. With hot pokers? Well. Maybe that's too much.....

TL;DR 

1. I had a client I was very loyal to
2. She did not appreciate me and told me so in a very obvious and embarrassing manner
3. I quit



Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I am both the best and the worst Bookkeeper.... ever


I'm a Bookkeeper. You may know that. Or not. At any rate, you know now. I've been doing this for more than 20 years, with a few breaks in the middle to pop out some spawn, and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm damn good at it. I mean, I just am. Really, though, if you've been doing something for more than 20 years and you're not damn good at it it's probably time to start doing something else, don't you think? Because at this point I doubt you're going to get any better.

So, I have all these clients, and they love me; because I'm damn good at my job and I'm a nice person and I make them laugh. They are business people who mostly work out of a home office, and financials are.... let's say... not their friend. I always say that's nothing to be ashamed of; we can't all be good at everything, right? They are good at what they do and bookkeeping is not high up on their list of preferred activities. No problem! That's why they hire me.

So, I instruct them all to make a folder, or a box, or a bin, or a section of the floor... with my name on it, and when financial type things pass by them, they are to put it directly into my folder or bin or drawer and forget about it. Then, I will come once or twice a month, go through my chair or my section of the desk, pay all of their bills, deposit all of their checks, and just keep them up to date.

They're thrilled, to say the least. Keeping organized financials can be a huge problem for a lot of people and having me come in for just a few hours a month is a huge load off. For me, it's super easy, and I always whip through it quickly and accurately. They're amazed.

So, as a professional bookkeeper? I'm awesome. Seriously. You should hire me.

For myself, though? For the finances in our house? OH MY GOD I'M SO HORRIBLE. It's probably because I spend so much time doing this stuff, when it comes to my own bills my brain just shuts off, I guess. I've got piles of unopened mail in various locations around my house, many of them bills that I haven't paid. I overdraw the checking account all the time, I'm late on all my credit cards pretty much every month; it's pretty bad! One would think that bookkeeping should be the absolute last thing I should be doing professionally, I mean.... I'm awful. I'm apparently leaving all these things for MY bookkeeper to come and take care of for me, like I tell my clients to do, except... I'm leaving them for myself. And I guess since I don't get paid to pay my own bills, or something, I just forget about them.

Maybe I should take a class in bookkeeping, so I can figure out how to do this. But you should still hire me, though. No, really.



Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Have you hugged a Bookkeeper today?

January is a very busy month for us Bookkeepers. The end of every quarter is always busy, but the end of the year is even worse. We have so much work to do to close out the year, all these damn tax forms and filings and shit, deadlines and everything: it's brutal!

So, if you're walking down the street and you see a crazed looking person typing furiously into their smartphone, mumbling something about "Form 1096.... AND the DE 7???" .... with adding machine tape stuck to the bottom of their shoe..... please, be nice to them. At least until February 1st.



Thursday, December 30, 2010

Bookkeeping confessions

...kind of like Taxi Cab Confessions, except in this case there's no Taxi Cab and it's about bookkeeping, instead of sex, or, whatever Taxi Cab Confessions is about. I'm just assuming it's about sex.

Sometimes... I'm with a client... and I'm explaining something.... like this afternoon... I was explaining about double entry bookkeeping and how you can't just increase an asset account without increasing or decreasing something else... because that's how double entry bookkeeping works.... and I think to myself.....

"I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about, do I?"



Sunday, November 28, 2010

It's going to be a busy week

I'm seeing 6 of my 8 clients this week; it's going to be a busy one. As such, I have modified a rage comic that I made previously so that you can see how my week will be in rage comic form (click it to embiggen). If you're wondering why hubs is not represented in rage comic form, it's because he will be working very late every day at his sucky job that sucks and I will probably never see him at all.

Tomorrow, Big Daddy will be guest blogging for me. If anybody else is interested in guest blogging, email me at jillsmo@gmail.com, I'm sure I could use the help.

If you'd like to make me happy during my very busy week, please visit this page every day and click on the Top Mommy Blog button that says "VOTE FOR US!" in the sidebar over there ----------> They changed the way they tally their votes and I am now buried deep, deep down at the bottom. C'mon, people, help me kick the ass of that bitch at Mommy is Teething!!! (Just kidding, Tina, you know I lubs you)





Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I have awesome clients

I made an appointment with a client for tomorrow morning and I said "just so you know, my baby starts Kindergarten and I might be a little emotional." She says "that's okay, I have tequila if you need it."

Win.



Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Bookkeeping porn


You see that zero right there? After "difference" ? Oh, yeah, baby.... that's what Mama likes....



Friday, July 30, 2010

Listen up, potential clients

Alright, potential clients, let's get this clear, shall we? First of all, I am THRILLED that you "found my website online" because it means that my feeble attempts at marketing myself is producing something or other, but after I've interrupted my workout to spend 10 fucking minutes giving you free advice on how to calculate your sales tax if you sell online and then ship to L.A., I would appreciate it if you would end the call with "Great! So, when can we start giving you money?" as opposed to "okay, maybe I'll call you next week," because you're NOT going to fucking call me next week, and now my heart has gone back to its resting rate and I'm all pissed off about it.

Yes, I KNOW the preceding was one big run-on sentence, but I'm a bookkeeper and not a goddamn English professor, so if it bothers you, just take STFU, multiply it by 9.75%, put that on your form to the Board of Equalization and then shove it up your ass.

Sincerely,

Jill



Tuesday, July 27, 2010

More clients. MORE!!

I'm starting to like this weird "money" thing that happens as a result of this weird "working" thing I've been doing lately. Unfortunately, every client that offers me 20 hours/week always turns into just 5 hours/month because apparently I'm quick and efficient. I've been lectured by close friends and family that I need to be slower so that I can bill more hours, but I just can't figure out how to do that. So, I want more clients, and therefore more money. MORE CLIENTS! MOOOORRREEE!! Does anybody need a Bookkeeper? I'm quick and efficient!

I'm pretty sure I lost a potential client last month because of an accidental pun, which just confirms for me my previous suspicions that puns are evil and should be permanently abolished from the world. We ended a nice phone conversation with me saying something about how they should check my references and "vet me." Guess what they do? Yeah. They're veterinarians. But it was AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR! I would NEVER knowingly use a pun against another human being and as soon as I said it I was like "OOPS! That was an accident!." The dude laughed, but I didn't get the job. Coincidence? No. I don't think so.....



Monday, July 19, 2010

I like getting paid

Doing freelance work has its plusses and minuses, as you can imagine. One the one hand, I set my own schedule, I set my own rate and I supervise myself. I like what I do, I have cool clients, so I enjoy my work and all these benefits. On the other hand, I get paid very sporadically. I have about 7 clients right now but they're really only a couple of hours a month each, so I still don't make very much money. I'm usually only with them for an hour or so each time I'm there and I like to bill them once a month so that when they do pay me it's something relatively sizable, but, like I said, it means that I don't actually get paid very often.

When I DO get paid, though, like today.... WOOO HOOOOO!!!!! YAY MONEY!!!!





Friday, July 16, 2010

I see THREE potential new clients....

Oakland bookkeeper indicted on embezzlement charges

OAKLAND — An Oakland bookkeeper has been indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of embezzling $240,000 from three small-business clients in Oakland and Berkeley.

Catherine Bullard, 37, of Oakland, was indicted by a grand jury in Oakland on Thursday on four counts of wire fraud and five counts of bank fraud. She is due to have an initial appearance before U.S. Magistrate Laurel Beeler on July 23.

The indictment alleges that Bullard embezzled $240,000 from three businesses between 2005 and early this year by depositing checks intended for third-party vendors into her own bank account.

The three businesses are A Step Forward, a shoe and accessories store on Piedmont Avenue in Oakland; Molly B, a clothing store with two locations in Berkeley; and Monsoon Corp., an Oakland jewelry store. The indictment says the establishments entrusted Bullard with their checkbooks so that she could pay the third-party vendors that supplied the businesses with products.

Instead of sending certain checks to vendors, Bullard is accused of writing her own bank account number on the back of checks intended for vendors and using ATMs to deposit the checks to her own account.

The nine counts each carry a theoretical maximum sentence of 30 years in prison. If Bullard is convicted, the actual penalty would be determined by a judge after consideration of federal sentencing guidelines. The case has been assigned to U.S. District Judge Saundra Armstrong for a not-yet-scheduled trial.

Sometimes I just wish I had the guts.....



Monday, June 7, 2010

The double burden of being a Jewish Bookkeeper

The worry; Jews have cornered the market on the worry. Not only is it my responsibility to make sure the books are in order and the money is flowing properly, but when the money doesn't flow IN properly, then I take that worry home with me.

I'm very picky about who my clients are (probably why I only have 5 clients). I won't work for anybody who isn't cool; I use my instincts as my guide and I'm always right. If I ever don't trust my instincts I will always come to regret it later. As a result, I have a bunch of really, really cool clients whom I adore and care about. But when business is bad I worry for them. I've been checking the bank balance of one of my clients a lot lately, even though I'm not on the clock, and I'm worried about what's going to happen. Not because I'm worried about losing a client, but because it would really suck for her if things didn't work out. Because she's so cool.

So, there you have it. My double burden. Anybody need a bookkeeper? The worrying is free, but I charge for all the rest.



Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Bookkeeping humor!

IF there was a period of time throughout the entire history of the company when record keeping was sketchy, when there was a transition and things got lost, and

IF that period of time was just long ago enough that you can't get those records online anymore, and

IF all the people who work for the company now were not there during that period, then

THAT will be the period of time that the IRS will want to audit.

A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, you know what, fuck you, I think it's funny.....