Everybody thinks it won't be their kid

I've been thinking a lot about bullying lately. Well, the truth is that I think about bullying all the time, but there have been recent internet events that have gotten me remembering back to my middle school days. See, I was bullied in middle school by the "popular kids," the Mean Girls. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say it left an impression on me that took years of therapy as an adult to work through. Lately, though, I've been reminded that people can be really, really horrible to each other, no matter how old they are. It's a shitty reminder, but perhaps necessary at times so that we don't become too complacent.

At any rate, my personal experience with bullying is the main reason why Child 1's enrollment in middle school has filled me with such intense anxiety. There's no question that he will stand out as different, I'm sending him off into this potential cesspool of evil and I'm terrified of what might happen to him there. Something like what happened to me. And I can't protect him, I just have to send him there and hope for the best.

"Hope for the best," meaning I'm hoping that other parents have made an attempt to teach their children not to fear difference, and even if they do feel fear, that they won't react to it by being mean to my kid. But how much control do we actually have, as parents, over what our kids do once we send them off to school? Kids behave differently in groups of their peers, they want to feel accepted, they don't want to be different. So will they just go along with what their friends are doing? Will they participate in the bullying so that it doesn't happen to them?

Last week I went to a PTA meeting where the topic was about the district's Welcoming Schools curriculum. It's an anti-bullying program that focuses on teaching kids about gender difference and family diversity. I think the program is fantastic, it's necessary and awesome and I'm proud of my district for adopting this curriculum; approximately 1 in 38, or more, school age kids have gay parents.* However, if recent CDC numbers are to be believed, 1 in 50 school age kids are autistic and yet... my kid doesn't get a curriculum. They address ability awareness in the Welcoming Schools curriculum, but it is not its main focus. Until there's something specific happening in the schools, we have no choice but to rely on parents like you and me to do the work.

At the meeting last week, the leader (who was awesome) explained the work that they do with kids, about how having these conversations is what leads to acceptance, and I was struck by something she said about bullies: "Everybody thinks it won't be their kid." We all do our best to teach our kids tolerance, and we think that we did a good enough job so that when push comes to shove, it won't be my kid doing the bullying. My kid knows better. My kid wouldn't do that.

But would it be your kid? Will it? Do we really know? As much as I know I've done my best to make sure Child 2 won't be "that kid," I don't really know what he does on the playground with his friends. I have to make sure to have pointed conversations with him about what it means to be a good person and a good friend. So, this post is for the parents of typically developing kids, who are doing their best to make sure it won't be their kid: Please have a conversation with your child about mine. Tell your kid that my kid likes to flap his hands, run back and forth, and talk to himself. Tell your kid that they might see this happening and feel uncomfortable because they don't know what's going on, and tell them that it's okay to feel uncomfortable, and they can ask questions, but it's not okay to make fun of him. It's not okay to call him names, or point and laugh, even if their friends are doing it. Tell your kid that my kid does these things because it makes him feel good, and while that might seem weird, it's totally okay.

And how about your behavior at home, because you know that kids learn by modeling what we do. Do you laugh at people who are different? Do you call people retarded? Do you gossip about other people who aren't able to defend themselves? Your kids are watching you, and while you think it might be perfectly benign: is it? Do you want your kid to do the things that you do? Because they will, and when they do, you don't get to say "but my kid would never do that."

Please talk to your kids; make sure they know. Because I'm about to send my child off to the wolves, and all I can do is hope that you guys have put in even a fraction of the time thinking about this as I have. You can't just assume it won't be "your kid," you have to make sure. Please. Make sure.

If you need any help or any useful resources that might help you have this conversation with your child, please let me know. I'm happy to help. jillsmo at gmail.com

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* "Researchers commonly cite the estimation that one to three million American children are being raised by lesbian, gay male, bisexual, and transexual (LGBT) parents" from Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is. (Thanks to Erin from The Gay Dad Project for your help). There are approximately 76 million children living in the US, according to ChildStats.gov therefore 2 million in 76 million = 1 in 38.

Images courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Dearly Beloved, We Are Gathered Together Today...

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, three bloggers together, to address a serious issue that has become so commonplace throughout social media for special needs parents and the special needs community as a whole, we aren't shocked when it happens anymore. Please welcome Jill from Yeah. Good Times., Lisa, the Yuckmouth Mommy from 7 Yuckmouths and Autism, and Caryn, from Living with Logan. This post will go live simultaneously on all three sites today, because we are united in our desire to get the word out. Please help us in this effort, and pass it along.

The issue, as you may have guessed, is the frequency with which the special needs community is getting scammed through false organizations and individuals, who prey on our desire to help our children. We've put together a little dialogue that we hope will be helpful in learning to protect ourselves as thoroughly as we protect our children. The truth of the matter is this: if we don't protect ourselves, no one else will. Each comment will be followed by the initials of the author, and we welcome comments and questions from all. Please be respectful in your comments, or they will be deleted. There is enough drama and cat fighting. We don't need more.

And now, welcome to our conversation!

1.  Do you think the Special Needs Parenting Community as a whole is vulnerable to cyber scammers?

Yes, I do. I think we are easily targeted for a number of reasons. We are fighters. We are strong. We have to be so, to advocate for our children. People desiring to scam us love this attribute, because they don’t have to teach us to work toward the goal. We are focused, as every parent is, in getting whatever our child/children needs. We hit so many dead ends, we are told “No” so many times in so many different ways that we love it when someone says yes. There is a veritable target on our backs. I don’t mean that we are stupid. Certainly we are not. We are intelligent, we work hard, and we fight for what we believe in. And, let’s face it, people. We like to talk. If we find something we think is awesome for our kids, it’s all over the twitter and the facebook the very same day. What scammer wouldn’t love any of that?! Not only that, those of us that blog are only too happy to blog about our good fortune, because we want others to benefit as well. This is a win/win for a scammer. People who will promote online, at their own expense of time and effort, with no cost to the scammer but one or two iPads or a couple of apps, and then they never have to make good again. They already have all the good exposure they need. It’s scary how easy we have made it for the slime balls of the internet. CH

2.  What are some “red flags” that somebody might be scamming you?

Generally, I follow the “if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is” rule. Someone asking you for money when offering a “free” product or service such as purchasing a raffle ticket or forking over a nominal fee to “keep your reservation valid” is a sign of a scam. Likewise, someone asking you to write a blog post, collect donations, or generate votes to qualify your child for a free service dog, for instance, is a sign of a scam. CH

Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right to you, it’s likely that it isn’t, so ask questions. Who are these people? Where are they located? Do they have any other sources of funding? Do they have (valid) testimonials and references? A huge red flag is if you ask direct questions and consistently do not get direct answers. If they can’t provide you with valid financial information, or they refuse to provide any personally identifiable information about themselves: be careful. Scammers are like politicians; they will talk around the issue, touching on their key “talking points,” but they will rarely ever actually answer your question directly. A reputable organization will be easily able to provide you with whatever you need to know to prove their validity. Jill

Also, anybody who requires any money from you, in any form (i.e. directly from you, solicited by you, etc.) before you can proceed with an application process is definitely scamming you. Trustworthy organizations will not require that you pay to complete an application process. Jill

3.  How can you protect yourself?

I’m sorry, but someone offering a “free” iPad or service dog or therapy or miracle “cure” for autism just doesn’t ring like the real deal to me. I’m a BIG believer in doing my homework. Read the fine print. What strings are attached? What commitments are they asking from you? Are they registered as a 501 3(c)? If so, have they been reported at any time in any way? Are they registered with the BBB? Is it a company, foundation, or individual? Are they based in your country or somewhere you’ve never heard of in Bangladesh? Do they offer transparency if they are a donation based company? Will they provide statements to anyone who asks? Are the founders or other officials easily accessible to their followers by chat, message board, email, facebook, twitter, or corporate phone number? Is there a message board/review panel of any kind for feedback from people who have worked with this person or company in the past? Does the person or company bash other similar entities regularly? These are questions you should ask yourself before becoming involved with ANY internet based company or foundation. CH

4.  What to do when you have already been scammed, or private info has been published on social networking sites?

There are many ways to protect yourself on facebook and twitter. Both sites have very firm TOS (Terms Of Service) in place to protect their users, its just a matter of finding where to do all of this. LG

First you can report any and all comments you feel are attacking you in any way. You need to make sure that you first screen shot for proof later because once a comment or post is reported it is removed. I find it much easier to watch a video of what I should be doing and this google search has all the info for how to screen shot on various devices. LG

On twitter there is a way to report people twitter has a really handy page that is clear as how to report a number of violations of their TOS. In addition you have to give them the url to the post so make sure you click on details in the tweet, that will open to a new page and give you the url to give to twitter. LG

On Facebook you can find out lots about your account in your general account setting tab. From there click on security settings. On that page is a wealth of info in regards to what, when and who has had access to your account that you may not have known about. LG

From that page it is easy to click on the help button towards the bottom of the page, there you can report violations from harassment, to copyright infringement, and intellectual property infringement. Because even as a fan page you have rights on facebook just like everyone else. LG

For more information on cyber crimes, how to report them, and definitions of cyber crimes, please visit the following websites:

Cyberstalking: What it is and what you can do as a victim

Computer Crime and Intellectual Property Section of the United States Department of Justice

What Are Your Legal Rights?

Image in this post from Google images

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and that's when I lost all faith in humanity

I was browsing around reddit earlier, reading rage comics, which I love (normally), when I found one written by somebody who works with autistic kids in an elementary school, referring to himself as a "tard rangler." I'm not going to show you the comic, since most of you don't know what I'm talking about, anyway, and I think it would just be more confusing.

Anyway, I was upset, and I left a comment, of course, knowing that it would be wildly unpopular, because they hate shit like that over there.

Y'know, it used to be that I didn't really have an opinion about what they call "The R Word," but which I prefer just to say: retard. (Kind of like saying Voldemort). Look, I blogged about it over a year ago. But in the last year, Child 1 has experienced the beginnings of what will likely be a lot of bullying in his future, and even though that word was never used by any of the kids at his school, I seem to have grasped onto it as the symbol of everything he's going to suffer at the hands of other people in his lifetime.

I know, maybe more than anybody, that people on the internet like to play a role, because the anonymity of the internet keeps them safe from having to take any real responsibility for their words. And I know that people will say things on the internet with the intention only to piss people off (that's called "trolling," and people do it on reddit all the time, just because it's fun for them). And I also know that people, especially on reddit, like to take the moral position that you should be able to say anything in the world you want to because the 1st Amendment gives you that right. But there's something about a person who would so gleefully say to a mother of an autistic child "I'm sorry your tard is such a burden," with the sole purpose of making me angry, that makes me lose all faith in humanity.  I'm not easily offended by much, as you guys might know, and I'm not even sure if I'm offended by this as I am just really sad. Really really sad.

Because this is what my kid is facing in the years ahead of him: having to be around people who think nothing about saying and doing whatever they want because they think it's funny. These people, who might be pushing him and physically hurting him and actually calling him a retard to his face. These people, who call themselves "tardcharger," and who think it's hilarious and perfectly acceptable to say things like this.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that anybody should be censored, my problem is with the thought process of a person who thinks that this kind of thing is okay. People actually think that this kind of thing is okay. How do I protect my child from people like that? The truth is that I can't. And that's why I'm sad now.

UPDATE:

Update 2:

The kid who originally made the comic emailed me and I'm confident that he's cool. He's young, and saying things like that on reddit will get you karma, and I'm sure that's what he was going for. But, the fact that he wrote to me, and felt bad, convinces me that he's cool. The other dudes, though.... that's a whole other story.....

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Helpless: Autism, bullying & earthquakes

So. Remember last week or so I wrote about how I knew there was something up involving Child 1 and school? And that he refused to talk to me about it? And how he said "I don't want to talk about it" whenever I asked? And that I just knew, because I am his mother, that something was going on?

I had been assuming that it was the massive amounts of work he had to do at school, and in talking to the staff that he spends his days with, they were all really surprised to hear that he was upset at home, because he was perfectly delightful at school. He did his work, he did a great job, he was a joy to be around (true story). Jaclyn, The Inclusion Coordinator, said she had a talk with him and he said he didn't like school, there was a lot of work, the days were too long, but it was still cool. Then she asked him how things were on the yard and he said "I don't want to talk about it."

When she told me that, in her office, my exact response was: "Shit."

So I talked to his teacher who said she was going to ask the kids; talk to some "key players," if there was something going on, she would get it out of them. That was Wednesday of last week. On Thursday he was sick and stayed home. Friday morning he was in hysterical tears when we were leaving for school. He didn't want to go, which wasn't unusual, but this day he said he didn't want to be too early because he didn't want to have to be on the yard before the bell rang.

SHIT.

So, we went late. I dropped him off and was determined to make somebody find out what the hell was going on. On the yard I saw his teacher who said "let me get these guys in class and then we can talk," so I followed them to the classroom. Outside her door, she starts saying "well.... all of the kids who were involved confessed...." and I said "WHAT? INVOLVED? CONFESSED???????? WHAT?????" and she looks shocked and says "Jaclyn didn't call you?" and I said "NO, JACLYN DIDN'T CALL ME." she says "Jaclyn was supposed to call you," and it obviously was not a good time for her to be having that conversion in the hallway, with her kids all over the place, so I turned and practically ran towards Jaclyn's office to find out. She called after me "It's not that bad; it's like it was last year." I'm not sure what she was thinking was "bad," because whatever happened last year is BAD, as far as I'm concerned.

I find Jaclyn, who needs to finish up a phone call before she can talk to me, so I wait in the hallway for her. And I start crying. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY??? Whatever it was that happened was bad enough to make Child 1 cry about having to go back to school. SHIT. SHIT!!! SHIT!!!!!

Jaclyn comes out and seems surprised that I'm so upset. WTF, lady? Fucking tell me what happened. She says we're still trying to piece everything together but it was a lot like last year that they were asking him to repeat things, and something about making him kiss a girl's hand, and then she starts going on and on about ways we can help him be social on the yard and "are there any games in particular that he likes to play that we can have him do with the other kids?" and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. I gotta go....

I head back to the office (hey, you know what's super fun? Walking through the hallway of your kids' school crying. Seriously. You should try it. It's awesome) and I leave a note for the Principal to call me "Re: Recent events" and I go home.

At home I get a call from a mom at the school who I know and who has a kid in Child 1's class. She's apologizing profusely, saying that she never thought it would be HER kid who would be the bully, blah blah blah... I'm like.... "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED OR WHO WAS INVOLVED OR WHAT THE FUCK ANYTHING." She doesn't want to tell me anything because she doesn't want to get anybody in trouble, but she tells me what her kid told her he did, which was pretty much the same thing that I'd heard already. I was impressed that she'd had the balls to call me and apologize.

The day goes on and I end up getting calls from three other moms. They're all saying the same thing, about how bad they feel, about how their kid is going to have some consequences, about how sorry they are. I'm not really sure what to do with any of that information. I don't even know what happened, exactly, but everybody has a different story and either they don't want to tell me or they don't actually know any more than what they're saying. Probably the school will take some kind of action, but I have no faith in anybody who works there (except our teacher, whom I adore) to actually find out the truth. So the only way I'm going to get any answers about what actually happened is to get the kids to explain it. I've emailed all the moms who contacted me, asking them "for help" and asking them to find out for me exactly what happened.

Okay, this has been a long winded, rambling account of the last few days; I hope it made sense to you. Here's the thing now, though: I don't really care how sorry these moms are or what kind of consequences their kids now have to suffer for whatever it was they did. My concern is only about Child 1: helping him get through this whateverthefuck it is, and also helping him be able to cope with these things when they happen again.... and they will.

It kind of feels like earthquakes, this little bullying thing. There have been a number of little earthquakes here lately, and whenever it happens, I don't think "that was scary," I think "OH MY GOD it's only going to be so much worse in the future." That's what this feels like to me. Maybe whatever happened this time wasn't totally earth shattering, but it's going to happen again, and it's only going to get worse when it does. These kids are going to get older and more savvy and more mean, and Child 1 is going to be in middle school or high school, and I'm not going to know all the moms of the kids involved, and they're not going to call me and help me figure out what happened, and he's not going to talk to me about it so... is there anything I can even do???? I hate this feeling of helplessness, I need to take action. I've called an IEP meeting to "discuss ways we can help him develop coping and self-defense skills," but I don't know what else to do. I'm just waiting for the next earthquake, which will happen without any warning, and all I can do is make sure my emergency supplies are well stocked? Assuming we live through it, that is, and there's no guarantee of that.

Shit.

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So this is how it starts

A few weeks ago I was contacted by my Twitter buddy Christine, who blogs at All About Mom-sense, asking me if I wanted to participate in the May Mom Blog Hop that she and Nadia from Musings.... By the Light of the Moon were organizing. I said SURE! I love blog hops; I'm happy to participate. The instructions were:

Just one day for Mothers is just not enough so some Mom-Blogger pals of mine and I are dedicating this entire month of May to Moms. Each day one of us will post a special Mom-related blog and then guide you on to the next day’s blog with an easy access link to just click for the next day. On this blog tour, you will meet new friends, find new blogs to follow that bring you laughs, tears, tips, ‘Thank Goodness It’s Not Just Me’ moments, and more…Some bloggers may even offer drawings for prizes to pamper YOU…You just need to follow along, read…and wait for more details on how you can get some great goodies as souvenirs on this Mother’s Day May Blog Tour.... Your posts can be as long or short as you want, picture, prose, poetry…anything Mom related is perfect!!

I actually had something inspiring in mind to write about today, but the events of the past few days have caused me to change my mind. Instead, I will be writing about the realities of having a child with autism. It's not going to be pretty, or inspiring and probably most of the folks participating in this blog hop won't be able to say "Thank Goodness it's not just me," but it's certainly "Mom related." Sorry, Christine, if I messed up the purpose of the hop, but this is the reality of my life as a mom.

Also, I had to write this stupid thing twice, due to the Bloggerpocalypse of May 2011, so apologies for getting it up late!

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Wednesday afternoon I had picked up the kids and we were walking to the car. I heard a voice behind us yelling "Jacob!" (Child 1. I'm using his real name today. Fuck it) and I look behind me to see another kid in Jake's class walking next to him, leaning in close, saying something; and then Jake said something back. I thought "huh. That's not right." Jake doesn't have any friends and certainly no friends that would call his name to get him to stop walking so that he could lean in close and share a secret or something. I didn't hear what was said and the kid ran off to whatever car that was waiting for him.

I made Jake tell me what had just happened. Apparently the kid had asked him to say "I put baby Jesus in a time machine and he turned into big Jesus."

What the fuck does that mean? I asked Jake what that meant, and he said "it's a joke!"

What the fuck is funny about that?

This is clearly not a joke; at least not one that Jake is a part of. This is another kid using MY kid as the fucking butt of some kind of game. Asking him to repeat something that makes no sense... for what purpose? The only option is that Jake was being made fun of.

It's possible I was overreacting. I mean... I do that, especially when it comes to Jake. I am fiercely overprotective of him when it comes to any kind of potential bullying. So, I kept calm (for the most part). We went home and I sent an email to his teacher. Then I googled the phrase, thinking maybe it was a line from a movie or something? I couldn't find anything.

Thursday morning we went to school and after I had dropped them both off in their respective locations I went back to the yard where I knew Jake would be, with all the other kids, waiting for the bell to ring.

I walk up to Jake, who is with the kid I saw the day before, and 2 others, just as he's finishing saying "... and he turned into big Jesus."

"Why do you guys do that?" I butted in. My hands were shaking.

Wow. The looks on their faces clearly meant that inside their heads at that moment they were saying to themselves "BUSTED."

"Because it's funny" they mumbled, refusing to look me in the eye.

"What's funny about it?" I asked.

No response. Just more looking at the ground. So I asked again.

"WHAT'S funny about it?"

"Nothing." The one kid said.

"So if it's not funny, why do you do it?" I asked.

Then I looked at Jake, who had a huge smile on his face. Mama is here to be a part of this fun game that I do with the other kids, he was thinking. Yay Mama!

The bell rang and I headed back towards the building to find his teacher, who had responded to my email in the meantime (I got it on my phone) saying that she had no idea what was going on and "irrespective of what it means, there is a deeper problem of their treatment of Jake as some sort of "toy" for lack of a better expression."

I found her in the hallway and told her what had just happened. She was pissed. She said she'd get to the bottom of it. I had no choice but to trust her, leave the school and go to work.

I came back around lunchtime because I had volunteered to help with something and I spotted her again in the hallway. She told me that when Jake was out of the room she had talked to the class about it. Yeah, it was a game they were playing; they thought it was funny to make him say weird things, and he happily went along with it, thinking that this is just what friends do. But they were laughing at him when they did it. There's nothing funny about this.

She confronted the kids in front of the class and the whole room had a talk about it. There are some good kids in that class who like to look out for him, and now, apparently, they will be paying more attention. Afterwards she called all 3 of their parents. I wanted to contact their parents but she said it would be better for her to call them, at least at first. Yeah, she's probably right. She also wrote them all up or something. I like her. She did good for my kid.

Jake has no idea what's going on. He honestly thinks these kids are his friends; he has no clue they're making fun of him. I have no intention of educating him otherwise, at least not at this point. He doesn't need to know the truth, and I'm not sure if he would even understand it. I'm the only one who has been hurt by this (and hubs) there's no reason to make Jake hurt, too; at least not while he's still too young to drink. The adults have gotten involved and are taking care of it for him. Educate these kids; educate their parents and maybe next time they'll actually think about their actions before they do something like this.

But what if I hadn't heard it? It would just continue on and on. And what's going to happen next? We can maybe educate these three kids about how not to be a complete douche, but there are a ton of other kids. More to come. Next year... the year after... then fucking middle school. It's just going to get worse and at some point Jake is going to have to get clued in to what's going on here; I'm not going to be able to protect him every time.

I feel sick to my stomach and just want to lie down and cry. I always knew 3rd grade would be when it started. I guess we're here now.

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Please visit the next person in Blog Hop line when she posts tomorrow: What Did She Say.

Here is also the blogger who hopped yesterday: I Love Purple More Than You

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"I hate autism"

"I love Scarlett but I hate autism." That's a quote from Xuan “Linda” Peng, who was convicted of killing her 4 year old daughter and was just released from prison after serving 5 years. Apparently she "snapped" and drowned her in the bathtub after a really bad day. I can't imagine losing control like that, but I do know what hating autism feels like.

Yesterday was Child 1's last day of 2nd grade. I went to pick him up and his class was on the yard playing and waiting for parents to come. I was talking to his aide and I looked over and saw him surrounded by a group of girls. They were talking to him and I could see that he had his hand over his mouth which is what he does when he "recites" something. I was too far away to hear what was being said, but I pointed to them and asked the aide "what's going on over there?" She assured me that they were playing and having a good time, "he's okay, don't worry," she said (she's awesome). I joked about how I was so used to seeing him surrounded by a group of kids who wanted to be his friend only to have him turn and run away from them (I've been watching him do that since he was able to run.) But I didn't like the way they were crowded around him, it didn't look right to me. Were they making fun of him? Was he saying "Coming up next on Sprout, the Good Night Show!"? And then all the girls turned around and looked at me, saw me staring at them, as if to say "What? We're not doing anything!" It felt wrong, I wanted to go over there and smack them all. But then the moment was over and the crowd around him dispersed.  He saw me and came over to say hi, and he didn't mention the Good Night Show at all. Then he went back to drawing roads in the mulch around the play structure.

I remember once when Child 1 was about 4, saying to a parent with an older kid on the spectrum, "it's all just cute now, but at what point do the other kids start to figure out that something's not right here? When will the teasing start?" He told me around 3rd grade. I remember thinking how far away that seemed. Maybe by that time he'll have made so much progress that it won't be an issue? That would be awesome, I won't have to worry about it. I think they started to figure it out this year, actually, because I've gotten some comments and questions from the other kids ("Did you drop him on his head when he was a baby? Is that why he's like that?") but I've always held 3rd grade in my mind as the year that everything will change.

Our IEP team is changing next year. We're losing our beloved Speech Therapist as well as the Inclusion Coordinator at the school, and a beloved after school tutor is moving to LA. Lots of changes, lots of uncertainty. I don't know who his teacher will be, I don't know how to prepare him for what he's apparently about to face. 3rd grade scares the shit out of me, and here we are, right up against it. He hasn't made enough progress and his differentness WILL be an issue. He doesn't know what he's in for. I'm not sure I'm ready.

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