Yeah. Good Times.: On the subject of red asses

Monday, November 4, 2013

On the subject of red asses

Disclaimer: This post is not actually about red asses.

Today I'm walking from my car to my client's office, and I pass a man on the corner who asks me if I have a quarter for the bus. I respond with "sorry," because I only had my keys and my phone on me; I didn't even have any pockets! and he says "I don't accept 'sorry,' you red-assed bitch."

I respond with "ooooohhhhhhhkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyy......" and I run away as fast as I possibly can, because I figure if he's unstable enough to yell that kind of poetry at me he probably would also hit me or attack me if I say anything else he doesn't like.

I escape into my client's office and while I'm telling her about it (because of course) I'm thinking of all the other fun stuff I could have said in response, which I never would actually say, because I'm only a partial and not a total dumbass and I'm able to recognize that my smart mouth might actually get me killed one day.

And I thought "man, if only I had some kind of outlet for these theoretically creative thoughts that I might like to be able to speak out loud if I wasn't about to experience imminent death and/or dismemberment. Oh, well, I guess I can always put it on the blog."

And so here I am. Hey, by the way, did you know that apparently there's some little-known Blogger algorithm that kicks in after you've satisfied a number of conditions, one of them being serious neglect, and when you hit that "New Post" button Google plays a pre-recorded voice that says "reposting old stuff doesn't count." ???? I, too, was not aware of this until today!!!!!1

Anyway, here are some things I would have liked to say to Crazy Quarter Guy:

CQG: I don't accept 'sorry,' you red-assed bitch.

Me: Well, actually it appears that you do. Enjoy your walk, Skippy!

CQG: I don't accept 'sorry,' you red-assed bitch.

Me: EXCUSE ME??? This ass is clearly white.

CQG: I don't accept 'sorry,' you red-assed bitch.

Me: OMG thank you so much for not calling me fat.

CQG: I don't accept 'sorry,' you red-assed bitch.

Me: How about an interpretive dance? Do you accept those?

Okay, I guess there are only four; I'm not actually that creative. I'm sure I'll find the algorithm for that after I hit "Publish."

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Mkosmicki · 594 weeks ago

LOL! Too funny! I was leaving mass a few weeks ago in DC, and a swarm of panhandlers were outside waiting. One actually said, "Come on lady, I know you didn't give it all to God." Really?!?! :-)

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@eldergeek · 594 weeks ago

In the army, back in the early Viet Nam era, soldiers had serial numbers. I think it was 1969 when the Army started identifying individuals by their Social Security numbers but that's beside the point. Before that, serial numbers began with either US or RA. If you were drafted, and had no choice about being their, your serial number began with the characters US (followed by a bunch of numbers). If, on the other hand, you volunteered (i.e. enlisted on purpose) to be there your serial number began with the characters RA (followed by a bunch of numbers) and you were generally regarded as some sort of nut case. The derogatory, vernacular word used to describe someone who was stupid enough to have "volunteered for this shit" was "Red Ass" and it was perhaps the most insulting phrase in a soldiers vocabulary. So the guy was most likely a PTSD and Agent Orange raddled Viet Nam veteran. He may also have been homeless. In any event, the correct response would have been to point in the general direction of an obscure window on the tallest building in the direction opposite of where you're going and in a quiet, confident voice, say "Is that a sniper over there?", then, as he spins to assess the implied threat, walk calmly away.

2 replies · active 594 weeks ago

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@coreyj · 594 weeks ago

Man, that is a fascinating bit of information (re: US vs RA). You truly do learn something new every day and this is my new something. Thanks!

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Kate · 594 weeks ago

I love this. Thank you. I was wondering if anyone would post knowing what the insult meant.

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MILF Runner · 594 weeks ago

I know that guy!!! I wonder if he'd accept a turkey?

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Jen · 594 weeks ago

"Awfully picky for a panhandler"

(or is that mean?)

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Happy Elf Mom · 594 weeks ago

"Oo, how did you know I liked spankings?" OK THEN RUN FER REAL!!

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Whitney · 593 weeks ago

My grandpa calls people that! He's not panhandling though I doubt it was him you ran into... Glad you kept the snark to yourself and stayed alive to share with us.
New follower - Whit from Raspy Wit

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Lala · 589 weeks ago

Have you written an entire book yet? It's very hard to find well-written satire that encompasses all of wit, sarcasm, humor and insight and these are the kinds of books I enjoy reading so I'd like you to write one. It's a selfish reason so I can finally have something excellent to read and not be overcome with rage that I've wasted another nearly $20 on something that CLEARLY, after only a page or two, is NOT going to be funny or witty in any way and instead will be a misery of triteness and redundancy that causes me to cringe and yell at the book. My kids get worried when I start reprimanding inanimate objects. But hurry. I'm running out of decent satirical things to read. It is rare to find talented modern-day female satirists but you're one of them. There. I have given this plea to a few others in the past I REALLY admire but it hasn't worked yet. No one listens to me. Maybe this time? :-)

Yeah. Good Times.

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Monday, November 4, 2013

On the subject of red asses

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