Theory of mind part 2

Here is Theory of mind part 1

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(Theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.)

Wednesday morning I was in Starbucks, picking up my grande no whip mocha (an important detail, in case anybody wants to buy me a cup of coffee at some point) and in front of me in line was this chick named Sarah.

Sarah was on the phone, chattin' away. When it was her turn to place her order, she rambled it out to the barista and then went back to chattin' it up. The barista then had to say "do you want a bag? Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am? Do you want a bag? Do you want a bag?" while Sarah just kept on going. (It turned out she did want a bag. I got to the register and said "that must be really annoying to you." "I get paid by the hour," he said. Good answer).

Then Sarah and I both stood there at the little table at the end, waiting for our drinks. She continued her conversation, loudly. Occasionally she would SHRIEK with laughter. Did I mention she was loud?

The other people in the place exchanged some glances, and we all knew that we were all thinking "this chick is really fucking annoying." At one point, after a particularly loud shriek, Sarah says into the phone "I'm totally annoying all these people around me." So, not only was she apparently aware that she was really fucking annoying, she also just didn't give a shit. On and on she went, as the barista yelled and yelled "Sarah! I have your extra hot chai at the bar. Sarah! SARAH!!"

Finally... FINALLY... my drink came and I was able to leave, but then I walked behind her while she stumbled across the (red light) crosswalk and to her car, never even taking a breath.

Sarah was not autistic. But, hey. You know who lacks Theory of Mind? Autistic people.

Yep. True story.

For more (non-sarcastic) information about how autistic people lack Theory of Mind, but NT people totally don't, visit Autism and Empathy.

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Theory of Mind

Awesome, irrelevant drawing by Allie Brosh, as usual

 This is my favorite topic to rant about, because it comes up for me so often.

Theory of Mind - The ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.... In 1985 (a bunch of dudes) published research which suggested that children with autism do not employ a theory of mind, and suggested that children with autism have particular difficulties with tasks requiring the child to understand another person's beliefs.

My child with autism has more empathy than your average adult. He may be stuck in his own head most of the time, but it's not because he's incapable of understanding that other people have beliefs and intentions that are different from his own, it's because he's stuck in his own head. But, when tested, which he was last year by our beloved Speech Therapist, who specifically assessed him on just this subject, he passed with flying colors. So, I call bullshit on the "kids with autism don't have theory of mind" conclusion. In fact, my child with autism who isn't supposed to possess any Theory of Mind is a lot more aware and concerned about other people's feelings than a lot of non autistic adults that I know.

And what about your average adult? How much Theory of Mind do they possess? It seems like everywhere I go, people drive and park and act as though other people just don't exist around them; that they're the only ones in the world and they don't even share space with other people. They walk right in front of you as if you're not there, they don't say excuse me when they bump into you, they don't hear or see you when they're blocking your path and you're trying to get by. They steal parking spaces you've been waiting for, they cut in front of you in line without even looking back.

I am always very aware of things like that, where other people are in relation to where I'm standing, how my behavior might affect them, how my kids' behavior might affect them. I often feel like I'm the only person left who even notices stuff like this, and I think "why do I bother?" Why should I take care not to ram somebody with my cart if I'm the only one in the store who does? Why do I do nice things for people for not even a "thank you" in return? It's exhausting and sometimes I'm so tired that I just think fuck it, I can't care about other people right now, I need to change lanes so I can get off the damn freeway! But then I wonder, is that what all these other people are thinking? I don't want to be like them, and I don't want my kids to be like them.

So, these things I will make sure to teach my kids, regardless of whatever neurological conditions they may have. Be aware that you share space in the world with other people. When somebody does something nice for you, you say thank you. I know way too many "grown ups" who apparently never learned these rules, and it's my intention to make sure my kids don't turn out like them.

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