New study shows autism linked to moms who breathe during pregnancy

Is this woman's breathing causing her child's autism?

Submitted by jillsmo, Bullshit Staff Writer, May 24, 2012

Mothers who breathe while pregnant are more likely to have a child diagnosed with autism, according to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control.

Autism, a complex neurological disorder characterized by impaired social interaction and communication, and by restricted and repetitive behavior, is increasing at a rate so alarming, fear has been struck in the hearts of humans across the globe. In this latest study, researchers have discovered that up to 100% of children who are later diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder had mothers who breathed during pregnancy.

Breathing is an involuntary movement of the lungs which allows oxygen to circulate through the bloodstream, and has also been linked with other deadly diseases such as asthma, lung cancer and emphysema. The high statistical rate has alarmed researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Maryland: "if every single child with autism was born to a mother who alternatively inhaled and exhaled air in the act of respiration, it stands to reason that there is a connection between the two," says Dr. Jennifer McCarthy, Professor of Hyperbole and Disinformation at Johns Hopkins University, who led the study.

"Nobody actually knows what causes autism," Dr. McCarthy continues, "and no single study can explain its causes, but the data we uncovered through this research should be taken very seriously. We're not suggesting that pregnant women be advised to stop breathing during pregnancy, but this study should create enough solid evidence and kneejerk reaction so that mothers everywhere can finally be convinced that their child's autism is their fault. Oh, and more research is clearly indicated, I guess. We'll get to that later."

Images courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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How to be offended by satire: A simple 2-step guide

1. Read title of satirical post (IMPORTANT: Do NOT click on link and read actual post!!)
2. Get offended.

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Nutjob or Satire? Now I'll tell YOU

Okay! How about those (not very) long awaited answers to yesterday's quiz, huh?? Yeah.

I have to say that I was surprised at how few of you got them all right: which was exactly two of you (at the time of this writing, Thursday 9:32pm PST). I actually thought that Dana K had gotten them all right, so I contacted her on Twitter to tell her that she had won the prize, but then when I looked again I noticed she had said both were "nutjob" on #7, so technically, Dana, even though I told you you were the winner, you're really not. But I'll still give you a prize. Because I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool.....

Sarcasm Goddess and Stacey at Tangerine Monday are the two people who got all the answers right. Congratulations!! I will give prizes to all three of you, but... I don't feel like thinking of something right now, so.... some other day. When you least expect it? Sure, why not.

And now, the answers.....

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Legend:
Satire is pink  Nutjobbery is green My commentary cannot be constrained by the label of "a color"

1. 2nd Amendment

a. This Christmas I want you to do the most loving thing and I want you to buy each of your children an SKS rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition. Source: Matthew Trewhella, The National Constitution Party. Never heard of this guy before and I've already forgotten who he is.

b. If 8-year-old boys discharging loaded firearms into their own legs isn't necessary to the maintenance of a well-regulated militia, I don't know what is. Source: The Onion. See how I started out so easy? Everybody got this one right.

2. Women's Rights

a. Gov. Tommy Thompson signed a bill yesterday requiring a 24-hour waiting period for women voters. According to the bill, women will come to their polling location and receive counseling and advice concerning their political selections, and will be shown pictures of both candidates to help them decide for whom they want to vote. Thompson stressed that not only do women have a “right to know,” but also that “by having to make two trips to the polls, they will be less likely to make the foolish mistakes their sex is often prone to make.” Source: The Onion. It was hard not to just take all of my satire from the Onion, but I thought I should branch out a bit.

b. If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president.... And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?' Source: Ann Coulter. Yep, that's right folks! These words were spoken by the lovely Ann Coulter, herself. A WOMAN! (theoretically, anyway) That's assuming, of course, that "lovely" actually means "fire breathing skank."

3. Gay Marriage

a. Fag marriage is the ultimate smash-mouth insult to God, and drives a stake in the heart of the Bridegroom and the Bride. The antediluvian world was the only other time in history where samesex marriage contracts were drawn up – and the Lord destroyed the entire population of the world, save eight souls, because of it. In these the last days of all, fag marriage is THE neon harbinger of the second coming of Christ to destroy this evil world by fire. Source: Westboro Baptist Church. Had anybody ever heard the word "antediluvian" before yesterday? NOBODY.

b. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Source: Landover Baptist Church. I originally thought this one was too obvious but then hubs reminded me that there actually are people out there who think dogs have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 

4. Education

a. There is no compelling policy reason for the federal government to be involved in K-12 education, and in the long-run America’s schools would be better without it. Source: Downsizing Government.org. This one probably isn't all that "nutjobby," really, since there are a lot of conservatives who believe this, but I wanted to find a quote about education so I could use the one below....

b. There is no better way to democratize education in this country than by bringing the voices of CEOs and hedge fund managers into the equation. Source: Last Stand for Children First. THIS was the dude whose Twitter account fooled me and prompted this whole goddamn motherfucking sucky ass post that I hate. His profile says "created to fight for better education for our country's children by standing up to teachers and reaching out to the wealthy." And I said "are you serious?" and he answered with something equally satirical and I was like "FUCK THAT!" But then I went to the website and had to apologize for misjudging him. Follow him on Twitter @LS4C1 and visit his website at Last Stand for Children First: dedicated to providing all children with a quality education in spite of their teachers.

5. Religion vs. Science

a. The Sun levitates in the sky. No man can levitate the Sun in the sky, so obviously God is doing it. Source: Landover Baptist Church. This was actually taken from a comment in the discussion forum on this site, in response to the actual nutjobbery, below.

b. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that. Source: Bill O'Reilly. Yeah. Bill O'Reilly. Fox News' Bill O'Reilly. He's fair and balanced and he thinks the tides can't be explained. If any of you are redditors, this quote is responsible for the picture below because the dude he said this to (David Silverman, President of American Atheists) made this exact expression when he heard these words (you can see it in the video, at the link):

6. Politics

a. If Governor Perry says he is not Beelzebub, I take his word for it. On the other hand, I don't know all of the particulars, you know where he was born and the circumstances involved. All I can say is that people should do their own due diligence and decide for themselves. Source: The Spoof. Have you ever heard of this site before? I hadn't. I have now, though!

b. Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames. Source: Glenn Beck. Mmmmhmmmmm. Glenn Beck. Although, since this was taken out of context, I suppose he could have been joking when he said this. I could probably do some research and find out but I think I've done enough research for this motherfucking goddamn sucky ass post that I hate.

7. Obama

a. Barack Obama and Adolf Hitler are one in the same. Both are very dark men who hide their ancestral roots and claim to be Christians, all to gain power and corrupt the free world with their Satanic ways. I am very afraid of Barack Obama and you should be too. Hitler’s ultimate goal was to commit genocide and Obama supports the endless murder of babies. Source: ChristWire. You guys had a hard time with this one, probably because these two are so similar, but as @elizamccall said in her comment, it's kind of a trick question because it just depends on who said it. Stephen Colbert speaking the above is definitely satire, but Donald Trump saying it makes him a nutjob. So, really, this one was kind of impossible. Sorry....

b. Let there be no mistake, Obama is no natural born American just as Hilter was no natural born German. Look closely and decide your future and the future of your children. There is an evil foreign body infecting America's health, it found a home because America's natural immunity was poisoned by our greed. We like the Germans have turned to charismatic leaders to save us, and in doing so we find we are beyond salvation. Source: Birthers. Picked this one straight off the front page of the official website of the Birther movement. I'm lookin at YOU, Michele Bachmann and whatever that witch chick's name is...

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Nutjob or satire? You tell me!

Note: This is an old post and there is no longer a contest. If you want a prize, though, let me know.... we'll talk.


Okay, well. I originally started writing a post about how I think my funny has been broken lately and this was supposed to be my way of bringing said funny back. But then as I started to explain exactly what I think has happened to my funny, I got this idea about a quiz that I could make which might make you guys laugh and/or think. So, I turned the post in a different direction.

But then as I started researching for it, I ended up spending all. fucking. day. scouring the stupid internet for quotes that I could use, I realized that this post had taken a horrible, horrible turn for the very much not funny at all. In fact, after having spent all. fucking. day. working on this stupid thing, I now feel a little dirty and I kind of hate myself a little bit for having spent so much time on it. But, I can't just throw it away, I have to see the stupid thing through, so here we are. A very not funny post about how I think I've lost my funny lately. I actually think I hate this post now. Awesome. (I swear to god an animal had better die in my house or something this weekend so that I have something funny to write about!!! I'll kill one, myself, if I have to.)

(If you want to read something that I wrote that's not necessarily funny but isn't completely not funny, now is your chance to bail out! Go read my guest post over at my Sister in Shit's blog, Not a Real Princess)

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The other day, on the twitter, I fell for a satirical account by thinking it was real. In my defense, though (such as it is), I had only read one line of this person's profile and didn't visit their website before making this determination (I'm not going to tell you who it is just now because I'm using one of their quotes in the quiz below. I'll tell you tomorrow). Once I went to their website, however, it became rather obvious that they were a satire and not for real.

I felt like a fucking idiot. ME? Being that gullible?? WTF, me?? I'm not supposed to think satire is real, I'm supposed to think that real things are satire!

Something was wrong. My funny must be broken.

As I scrambled for rationalizations on how to defend myself to myself, I realized that the problem is that much of the nutjobbery out there is so over the top nutjobbish that it isn't very much different from the satire. In fact, the profile that I read on Twitter was very much like something somebody might actually say. The line between what is real and what is satire has become so fine that it's almost impossible to tell them apart sometimes. The nutjobs have become satires of themselves, except they're not joking, which is terrifying when you think about it (which is why I generally try not to think about it). So maybe my funny isn't that broken after all?

And so, I have created this quiz: Nutjob or Satire? I have compiled quotes (all of which are taken out of context, of course) on various topic from across the internets. One is from a real, non satirical website (nutjob) and the other is from a satirical website (satire): tell me which is which. Hubs says this has been done before, and I'm sure that's true, it's probably been done to death, but this one is aaaaalllllll mine.

Your job is to take my quiz and put your answers in the comments. The person who gets them all correct will win a prize!! (And you KNOW how awesome my prizes are). I figure that most of these are rather obvious so I will (probably) randomly pick one of the people who get them all right and give that person a prize. Alternatively, if you want to skip the quiz and just mock me in the comments, you may also be eligible for a prize. Or not. I'm not sure how much more of this post I can take...... At any rate, tomorrow I will post the answers and the sources and blah blah blah......

Nutjob or Satire? You Tell Me!

1. 2nd Amendment

1. This Christmas I want you to do the most loving thing and I want you to buy each of your children an SKS rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition.
2. If 8-year-old boys discharging loaded firearms into their own legs isn't necessary to the maintenance of a well-regulated militia, I don't know what is.

2. Women's Rights

1. Gov. Tommy Thompson signed a bill yesterday requiring a 24-hour waiting period for women voters. According to the bill, women will come to their polling location and receive counseling and advice concerning their political selections, and will be shown pictures of both candidates to help them decide for whom they want to vote. Thompson stressed that not only do women have a “right to know,” but also that “by having to make two trips to the polls, they will be less likely to make the foolish mistakes their sex is often prone to make.”
2. If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president.... And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?'

3. Gay Marriage

1. Fag marriage is the ultimate smash-mouth insult to God, and drives a stake in the heart of the Bridegroom and the Bride. The antediluvian world was the only other time in history where samesex marriage contracts were drawn up – and the Lord destroyed the entire population of the world, save eight souls, because of it. In these the last days of all, fag marriage is THE neon harbinger of the second coming of Christ to destroy this evil world by fire. 
2. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Education

1. There is no compelling policy reason for the federal government to be involved in K-12 education, and in the long-run America’s schools would be better without it. 
2. There is no better way to democratize education in this country than by bringing the voices of CEOs and hedge fund managers into the equation. 

5. Religion vs. Science

1. The Sun levitates in the sky. No man can levitate the Sun in the sky, so obviously God is doing it.
2. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that.

6. Politics

1. If Governor Perry says he is not Beelzebub, I take his word for it. On the other hand, I don't know all of the particulars, you know where he was born and the circumstances involved. All I can say is that people should do their own due diligence and decide for themselves.
2. Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.

7. Obama

1. Barack Obama and Adolf Hitler are one in the same. Both are very dark men who hide their ancestral roots and claim to be Christians, all to gain power and corrupt the free world with their Satanic ways. I am very afraid of Barack Obama and you should be too. Hitler’s ultimate goal was to commit genocide and Obama supports the endless murder of babies. 
2. Let there be no mistake, Obama is no natural born American just as Hilter was no natural born German. Look closely and decide your future and the future of your children. There is an evil foreign body infecting America's health, it found a home because America's natural immunity was poisoned by our greed. We like the Germans have turned to charismatic leaders to save us, and in doing so we find we are beyond salvation.

UPDATE: Here are the answers!

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