Out of, and into, the mouths of babes

I go into the kitchen a little bit ago, where the kids are having breakfast, and I say to the room "Here's the plan for today, guys. I want everybody dressed and out of the house for at least a few hours."

See, if it was up to them, they would sit around in their underwear watching TV all day and doing nothing. They need to at least see the light of day for a bit, get some vitamin D, etc. I'm not going to be responsible for creating cute little vampires, I'll tell you that much.

They don't like the idea of having to get dressed and leave the house, however, so Child 2 comes up to me with this sad, doe-eyed expression on his face and says "But I don't feel good." 

So I say "then put down the bacon."

And then he does this:

You can tell this kid is mine.

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What is the deal with Brenda and those apples?

Child 2 and I are looking over his homework and he reads out loud the following:

His response? Much like you would expect any precocious 7 year old to say, I think:

"She sold some apples because she had way too many apples, she actually needed to sell more than 350. 753 is a lifetime supply of apples, she really didn't need more than, say, 10, and even that is a lot."

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Out of the mouths of babes 34

The scene: The Smo family is sitting down to a lovely meal that Mr. Smo has prepared.

fade in

Me: This is awesome! Thank you, Daddy, for making such an awesome meal! (whisper) Child 2, thank Daddy for the awesome meal (/whisper)

Child 2: Thank you, Daddy! This is the best meal I've had ever since the last meal I had that was a great meal!

Me: Nice. (whisper) Child 1, say something nice to Daddy about the food (/whisper) 

Child 1: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!

fin

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Out of the mouths of babes 33

Child 2: Mama, wouldn't it be funny if you started sleeping during the day instead of at night?

Me: I wish I could sleep during the day, but I have to get you guys to school, and then go to work, and then pick you up from school, during the day.

Child 2: Yeah, that's a pretty annoying life.

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Out of the mouths of babes 32

It was last night and both kids are in bed; the lights are off but they are awake.

Child 2 is lying in his room singing to himself: "uh oh, I want some mooooore... uh oh, what are you waiting fooooorrr?"

From his room Child 1 yells, with a British accent: "STOP THAT BLASTED SINGING!"

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Out of the mouths of babes? I think?

Child 2 has his own computer, so does Child 1. Hubs brings home laptops from his office that have been discarded or abandoned so we're pretty much swimming in computers over here. (I tell you this because I feel the need to justify why it is that our kids both have their own computers. Hubs gets them for free, it's not like we're rich or anything. We also have a rather large Broken Laptop Graveyard in my office.)

Child 2 has been spending a lot of time on his computer this past week (Vacation, bitches!!!!!), mostly watching YouTube videos of random people playing Mario related video games. Did you know that people record themselves playing Mario related video games and then upload them to YouTube? They call them "walkthroughs." They're just kids, narrating their journeys through these Mario games, and are rather benign. I can't make it through an entire video, though, because it's really fucking boring, but I have watched them (because I'm a "good" mom) and both kids really enjoy watching them.

The problem with YouTube, however, is that the parental controls are pretty sucky, so despite my best efforts, the kids will click on other things and often find themselves on videos that are, well....let's just say SO NOT APPROPRIATE for kids this age. (They don't end up on porn or anything, but they do seem to find the ones with the most colorful language.)

So, anyhoozle.... it's Christmas.....  and I'm in the kitchen making rugelach....

.... and Child 2 brings his laptop into the room with me, because he likes being near me (awwwwww) so that he can watch his videos while I cook, and he had stumbled upon one of those videos that I mentioned earlier. It was some dude narrating these stick figures who were having a conversation, and the subject matter of the conversation the stick figures were having was so not appropriate for kids his age.

So, I get pissed (even though it's pretty much my own fault) and I close up his computer and put it in a place that he can't reach. "Go do something else," I order, which he does. Hours later, he comes and finds me at my own computer, and he's crying. He really wants his computer back, and he promises that he will only watch Mario videos and stay away from all the other kinds of videos.

With a face full of tears, he grabs onto my arm and hugs it and says.... "Mama, I'm sorry about the Filipino hookers. Can I please have my computer back?"

Until next time.....

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Out of the mouth of babes 31

Child 2, singing softly: Jeeeeeeeeeeesus Chriiiiiiiiiist

Me: Is that a Christmas carol? What song is it?

Child 2: Man in the Box. What's a Christmas carol?

awkward



(I went with the unedited, and therefore better, version)

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Out of the mouths of babes 11. Again.

This is a repost. I was looking through my Out of the Mouths of Babes series, which I haven't done in a while, and I think this one is probably my favorite. This kid is nuts, man. NUTS. I don't know where he gets that from.

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So, I'm in the kitchen making dinner and I'm holding a spatula. Child 2 appears and says "Mama! What's for dinner? Wait, before you tell me, I want to feel that spatula." He comes over, touches the spatula and says "feels good. Okay, what's for dinner?"

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Out of the mouths of.... oh, whatever...

Earlier, the following ......

Child 2: "MAMA! There's something really important I want to say. I have FOUR words I want to tell you. ONE of them is a grownup word, TWO of them are regular words, and ONE of them is a mean word. Except..... you're not going to like it...."

Me: "I'm not going to like what, the grownup word?"

Child 2: "No, you won't like that word. It's a really bad word."

Me: "Well, if you know it's a bad word, and you're not supposed to say it, then you shouldn't say it."

Child 2: "Okay. But, I want to say it, except it's really bad. It's... the one that starts with 'f' "

Me: "The one that starts with 'f'? That's the worst word of them all! You aren't supposed to say that word and you know you're not supposed to say that word!"

Child 2: "Okay, I won't say that word. But I really wanted to tell you something."

Me: "Okay, tell me the other three words."

Child 2: "Shut..... theeeeeeeee ........................................................ up."

Me: fall over laughing, despite myself

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Out of the mouths of babes 29 *highfive*

"Mama can you write another funny blog about you taking me to science camp? Except this time, don't use any grownup words." -Child 2

And then he described to me what it should look like. Here ya go!

This picture is Child 2 Approved

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Out of the mouths of babes 28

I dropped Child 2 off at camp this morning and as he's climbing onto the bus I say "Bye! Have a good day!" and he replies "Bye! Call me if you need me!"

He's 6; he doesn't have a phone. He just said that to make me laugh.

It worked.

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Out of the mouths of babes 27: It was dessert time

I thought I'd draw this one. I'm fairly certain that increases its awesomeness by at least 54%

And now that you've experienced THAT piece of hilarity, please go visit Flat Flanny over at The Connor Chronicles. I'm posting this before I know exactly what Flannery wrote but if my sources are correct I'm..... going to jail.

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Out of the Mouth of Babes 26

Child 1, out of nowhere: I want the Golden Touch!!

Me, thinking this was some scripting thing I didn't know about: What's the Golden Touch?

Child 1: That's when you touch something and it turns to gold!

I want that, too.

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Out of the mouths of babes: This time he was coached

Last week I kept Child 2 home from school (because of the barfing) but I had a haircut appointment that I didn't want to miss (have you heard of my tuft? My tuft needs constant care) so I decided to bring him along.

A few hours before the appointment, hubs and I started prepping him.

"When you meet John, this is what you need to say to him. Okay, let's practice. Hi! I'm John! Nice to meet you! What do you say?"

We got there, and practiced a few more times, and finally the big moment had arrived.

John came over...  and I made the introductions.

Me: John, this is Child 2. Child 2, this is John.

John: Hi Child 2, nice to meet you.

Child 2: I want a Flock of Seagulls!


Good work, son. Very good work.

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Out of the mouths of babes 24

Sometimes when I'm wondering what I should blog about, one of my kids will come along and help me....

Earlier, I'm in the bathroom, uh.... finding the cure for cancer.... y'know, bathroom stuff.... and there's a knock at the door.

Knock knock knock

Me: Yes?

Child 1's voice: MAKE ME A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.

Me: laughing Oh, that's nice. Not even a "hello Mama" or anything?

Child 1: Hello Mama!

Me: Hi Child 1!

pause

Knock knock knock

Me: Yes?

Child 1's voice: Mama? Can you please make me a grilled cheese sandwich? It would make me very happy.

Me: swoon

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Out of the mouths of babes 23

Today is a compilation of the things I've been jotting down for the past few days; all spoken by Child 2:

"Martin Luther King teached about love and all that stuff. I love you, Mama. I just said that to your butt."

(watching a commercial) "Let's go to Applebee's and see that guy work! Because he's really fat so that means he's a really good cook."

"Hey, Mama! When I pee on this tree it looks like really dark cinnamon. Come see!"

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Out of the mouths of babes 22

Child 2: Hey, watch this!

Me: Okay, let's see it.

Child 2: I was talking... to the CAT!

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Out of the mouths of babes 21: Magical abilities edition

I don't understand how kids have the power to only hear the bad words you say; autistic and not, across the universe, they all can do it. It's like they have magical abilities. Observe:

Hubs (trying to find an address on his smartphone and inaudibly muttering to himself): mutter mutter mutter mutter... crash my phone ... mutter mutter mutter... flash .... mutter mutter mutter mutter .... renders like absolute crap .... mutter mutter mutter mutter ... finally loading ... mutter mutter mutter ...

Child 2: LIKE ABSOLUTE CRAP?????

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Out of the mouths of babes 21 & Happy New Year!

This morning Child 2 wakes up and the first words out of his mouth are "Oh, man. What happened?"

He's 5.

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Out of the mouths of babes 20

Child 2: I love you, Daddy.

Me: Daddy's downstairs

Child 2: disappointed Oh. Well. Then, I love you, Mama.

Win?

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