All Moms Do That

HAHAHA! Do you see how clever I am? It's a play on my series All Kids Do That! A series I wrote because people always say "Oh, all kids do that" when you talk about your autistic kid's quirks and things! I'm so funny!! And really really tired, it's been an incredibly long day, this, now the night before school starts, but I wanted to get this out tonight otherwise I probably never would.

Tomorrow is Child 1's first day of middle school, you see. I've, perhaps, mentioned at some point that this event makes me slightly apprehensive slightly. Just slightly. Only a little. See, I was bullied in middle school and it's always been this representation in my mind of a part of childhood where absolute fucking torture happens. So, I would naturally be ever so slightly concerned about the welfare and wellbeing of my unbelievably sweet and meek autistic child, who possesses absolutely no social ability whatsoever, who will bust out with the most random recitation of whichever particular Go Animate video happens to be on his mind at the moment in response to a question, and who, by nature of his diagnosis, has a 63% chance of being bullied while he's there.

So, I'm just a tad bit uneasy about the whole thing. Just slightly skittish. A bit peckish. That might mean I'm hungry. Okay, that too, then.

Yeah. So, today we go there and we take our tour, we met with our new case manager, we walked around the classrooms, we met the teachers, it was a lovely visit. While there, I was chatting with one of his new teachers, and I mentioned my oh so casual not a big deal nervousness about the whole thing, and her response? "All parents are nervous about tomorrow."

Yeah. All parents are nervous about tomorrow. All parents are probably feeling that slight bit of apprehension as their child embarks on this new journey. All parents are feeling a little uneasy about a new school, about their child making new friends, about their child doing well academically. All parents are nervous.

Are all parents hyperventilating? Do all parents have to pull over while driving their car because of the panic attack they're having about middle school? Have all parents been just on the verge of bursting into hysterical tears this past week?

Are all parents sure they're sending their child off to a cesspool of evil? Do all parents envision their kid getting laughed at, and pushed, and called names, because he is so, so, SO obviously different? Have all parents been unable to sleep for weeks because they lie awake imagining the kind of heartbreak and pain and hurt and fear their sweet boy might experience at the hands of other kids?

Are all parents doing that? I'm willing to bet good money that not all parents are doing that. I'm willing to bet that the nervousness they feel is absolutely fucking nothing in comparison to what I'm feeling. I know, you're going to tell me it's going to be okay. You're going to tell me how freaked out you were on the night before you lead your child off to the slaughter, and look! No problem. You're overreacting. You worry too much. He'll be fine.

He'll be fine.

Actually he probably will be fine, but telling me all of that is perhaps the least helpful thing you could say to a person at a time like this. I'm sure he'll be fine. But I'M not fine. And don't tell me that I should be, or that I'm like everybody else who is also slightly apprehensive, because I'm nothing like them. This is nothing like that.

It's cool, though, because he'll be fine. And all parents are nervous.

I also want to take a moment to link to the most amazing blog post I've ever read, written by my friend Bec at Snagglebox, about the worry we parents have about our special needs children. It's not about middle school, it's about adulthood, but her kid is only a few years older than mine is, and MAN does she nail it with this post.

But all moms worry.

Right?

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Independence and worry

I'm a worrier; I worry. This is no secret to anybody who knows me well. I worry about my kids, I worry about my family, I worry about my friends. I lie awake nights thinking about all the people I love and the various issues they have and sometimes I wish so much that there was something I could do for them that I can't sleep. But all I can do, most of the time, is tell them that I love them and hope that they'll be okay.

With my kids, of course, it's a different story. I don't or can't just lie awake and hope for the best, I'm in charge of the things I worry about. Okay, there's nothing I can do about earthquakes, but for the most part I'm in charge. It's my responsibility to make sure they're prepared for what faces them and a lot of the time what I worry about is that I'm not doing a good enough job at that.

Lately I've been thinking (worrying) a lot about independence, in particular with Child 1. This is, of course, something all parents worry about for their children but for an autistic child the worry is much different. He's 11 now and ever since the Resource Specialist said the words "diploma track" at our last IEP meeting my mind has been consumed with "what happens when he gets older?" We're still struggling with basic hygiene right now, can I possibly imagine that one day he might live independently of me?

It has always been my instinct as a parent to not try to "micromanage" my kids' lives. I like to give them plenty of freedom to make their own decisions and find out for themselves what kind of people they are. Child 2 doesn't like sports, even though every single one of his friends does, so I'm not going to make him do sports. If he doesn't want to he doesn't have to; he'll find his own activities that he likes. But it's different with my autistic kid because his preferences are so limited. He doesn't just not want to do sports, he doesn't ever want to leave the house unless it's to go watch BART trains. He has no interest in making friends, he has no interest in any kind of group activity, he doesn't even have any interest in learning personal hygiene.

So, okay... so far I've been going along respecting his wishes because I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, but now... the worry. What if I'm making a mistake? What if, by not insisting he, at least temporarily, leave his comfort zone to try new things, he'll never want to leave the house for any reason except to watch BART trains? Will he be an adult, living in my house and never leaving?

I read my friends' blog posts and Facebook updates, and I see all the therapies and social groups and activities that everybody's kids are doing, and my kid is doing none of those. And that's because he doesn't want to, but should that choice necessarily be his? When he was 3 he certainly didn't want to participate in our ABA-based home program, but he was 3 and nonverbal and I didn't give him a choice. As a result I'm 100% convinced that if it hadn't been for that program he wouldn't be the exceptionally smart, verbal, sweet child that he is today. He wouldn't have been able to make all of this progress without that program, the one I "forced" him into against his will.

So maybe now I'm just making a mistake. Maybe I need to insist that he participate more in the world, in order to prepare him for his future as an adult? Maybe by giving him too much personal freedom I'm actually doing him wrong??

I know it's so easy to say "you're doing the best you can and he'll find his own way" but... will he??? Nobody can predict the future, all we can do is prepare for it as best we can. I'm worried I'm not doing enough to prepare him for it.

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December 1, 2012: A day that will go down in... panic

School started today, YAY! Child 1 has The Greatest Teacher Who Ever Lived. Seriously. We went to meet with him a few days ago and he had a fucking written schedule for the 15 minutes we would be there. Then he sat down with Child 1 and they checked the things off. OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? Child 1 noticed the lack of a calendar in his room, so I went out and bought one of those dry erase blank ones, which Child 1 will be in charge of. Something to look forward to at school!!! I think I'm in love. (Oh, Child 2 is totally cool, by the way. This kid will apparently just roll with whatever happens and as long as he has a friend to roll with, nothing can go wrong.)

So, since 5th grade is now under way, I was wondering when I should officially start to freak out about Middle School? I mean, they're already talking about how 5th grade is preparation for MS (that's what I'll call it. It sounds like a disease, which it is) but today was just the first day, so it still seems a little early. Then again, you know, it's never too early for a debilitating panic attack about the inevitable, so maybe I should get started right away?

I asked on Facebook and the general consensus seemed to be that I should wait to flip my shit until after the Holidays. January should be the right time. But, I need to schedule an IEP for right when we come back from break, which means I need to do my scheduling before we go on break, and that seems like the appropriate time to be in a hysterical froth, don't you think?

So, I've decided that December 1st will be The Day I Start to Fucking Freak Out About Middle School. It's after Thanksgiving, at least, but has to be before the holidays; I just don't see any way around that. Besides, the holidays will probably be filled with well meaning relatives saying things like "So.... CHILD 1... you'll be in middle school next year, right?" and there's no avoiding me fucking losing it when that shit's going on around me.

So! December 1st. Care to join me????????

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I don't know what to call this one

I've got a lot of topics kicking around in my head these days but I haven't had the patience or the attention span to sit down and write them out. I start trying to and then I lose interest halfway through, get distracted by reddit, and suddenly it's hours later and I have to go pick the kids up. Eventually I might extract this crap from my brain, but I guess now just isn't the time.

Couple things I want to say, though:

When I started blogging, it was just a way for me to scoop random shit out of my brain and put it somewhere; I had no idea that it would turn into this massively awesome and wonderful support group, made up of people from all over the world. You guys have become my sounding board for when I'm struggling with something, my confidants when I need to talk, my party buddies, my sisters, my partners in crime, my so many, many, things, and I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you to all of you who are awesome and who continue to be awesome every single fucking day, regardless of all the other shit that we deal with. Thank you. So very very much.

Secondly, Child 1 is going into 5th grade this year, which means middle school starts next year. Middle school, for me, is a major source of terror and anxiety. I was bullied in middle school. Yes, believe it or not, I have not always been this strong person who takes no shit and who mocks people who are mean, there was a time... a long time... when I was timid and meek and scared of other people. Middle school, for instance. I was bullied by "the cool kids;" the mean girls; the popular crowd. For whatever reason, they decided they didn't like me, and I had no tools to stand up for myself, so I got pounded by it. It is this experience that makes me absolutely fucking terrified of my beautiful, sweet, kind, autistic child going off to this fucking war zone of hormones and horribleness. He, too, has no skills to stand up for himself; he is not strong, he is soft. He could get fucking pounded, as well, and I am. so. scared. for. him.

They say (whoever "they" are), as part of helping your special needs child through the transition from elementary school to middle school, it's important to keep your own anxiety away from them as much as you can. My anxiety will rub off on him and just make things so much worse. That's actually always been the case for me, I'm very neurotic and my neurosis just doesn't help him at all. And so... just a heads up people! I'm going to be relying on this blog, and all of you guys, to be the place where my anxiety gets dumped, so that I can keep it away from him as much as possible.

Things might get ugly, so this is just a warning. Hope you guys can hang on for the ride. I'll try to draw funny pictures.

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My scumbag brain returns

I'm never sure if I should just show you guys these (awesome) pictures without a narrative or if I should chat you up while I do it. Last time I introduced you to my scumbag brain I did it without any explanatory text, so this time I think I'm going to get all chatty 'n shit on your asses. Let me know which one you like better.

It was last Friday and I was walking the boys home from school, and I was really tired. You know those days when you're so tired that you feel like you could literally fall down and die? Die from being tired? I mean literally? Fall down? And die? That was the kind of day I was having, on Friday, coming home from school.....

The boys, however, had LOTS of energy; obnoxious amounts, in fact. Annoying, obnoxious amounts. I was miserable. All they could talk about was how much they couldn't wait to play Wii and who was going to play Wii first and Mama will you watch us play Wii and this is so exciting because it's Friday and no homework and we're going to play Wii when we get home!! YAYYYYY!!!! WIIIIII!!!!!!!!

Usually when I'm feeling that tired I sit there on the couch and I stare blankly at whatever they're doing, but this time I thought I'd take advantage of this Wii obsession. I gave them snacks and water and I went upstairs to lie the fuck down! YES!

I'm pretty sure that there is no better feeling in the world than when you're really tired and you slip into your comfy, comfy bed for a nap. Well, maybe an orgasm, but just barely....

Then, it happened, however: my brain turned on....

Because, you know, we live less than a mile away from the Hayward fault, which is so overdue for "The Big One" that at this point it's no longer a question of "if" the big one will hit, but when and exactly how big and how many people are going to die when it does? It could happen at any time. Any day. No matter where we are or what we're doing, or whether or not we have yet gotten around to attaching our large and heavy pieces of furniture which hold our televisions and our Wii consoles securely to the wall. And once I start thinking about these things, the game is over, I can never make my brain shut up once it gets going like this. Have I mentioned yet that I'm neurotic? Yeah, a few times....

Stupid brain.....

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Does anybody really know what time it is?

This is probably one of those posts that I'm going to delete later because I think I've shared too much. For the record, though: totally sober right now! I'm not entirely sure why the Chicago reference; the uncertainty of it just seemed appropriate at the moment.

I've been thinking about taking a break from blogging. Don't worry, I probably won't, I've just been thinking about it. I hate making grand declarations of things like "I'M GOING TO START TAKING CARE OF MY BODY AND STOP EATING GLASS ONCE AND FOR ALL" because I never follow through and then I feel like an idiot for having said it in the first place, so I'd rather just not announce my plans about anything; and yet .... here we are.

I just don't think I'm doing it right. I take it too seriously, I care too much about how many followers I have and how many comments I get on each post and how many unique visits I get a day. That's not, and shouldn't be, the point of this whole thing. I think the people who are doing it right don't actually obsess over things like that. So, I thought it might be good for my mental health to just step back a little.

Plus, I'm always so concerned about having a new post every day, so I end up putting up crap that I don't like (I mean the things I've written, not the guest posts or Dive Bar posts that other people have written). I read once on some blog somewhere that when (whoever it was) starts to get that "should post something" feeling then what they'll come up with will seem forced and inauthentic. That's a really good attitude. I need to do that. Instead, I've been forcing myself, inauthentically (it's a word!) to come up with something every day and, well, some of it... okay most of it... is total shit. So, I'm going to try this thing where I don't post every day. And I won't feel an overwhelming urge to fill in the empty spaces with stuff.

But... if I don't post something every day, will you forget about me? Will you move on to somebody else who babbles incoherently and makes no sense? There are a lot of us out there, you know. I'm afraid you'll forget about me. On the other hand, I'm also afraid you'll get bored of me. I'm also afraid of not being funny. I think I need some perspective. Or vodka.

I'm just going to try it. It probably won't last.

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Sorry I trolled you guys yesterday

I would make this my new logo except I stole the troll face from reddit which was originated at 4chan

You know, that "click on this innocent looking link" thing. It totally worked, though, I went from #8 to #6. I'm probably going to start doing that every once in a while but I figure I'll have to switch things up to keep you surprised. Because, who am I kidding, I am incapable of not obsessing about things. Hubs and I were talking about this the other day and I insisted "I no longer care about my TMB ranking, remember?" and he said "yeah, so, how's that going for you?" Snarky fucker. He's right, though, just because I claim that I will no longer be obsessive doesn't mean it will actually happen.

Last night hubs and I went out to karaoke in the city; a hip new place we'd never been to before! We were, by far, the oldest, fattest people in the place. It did a number on my self esteem and today I'm feeling like a big neurotic mess. A BIG. NEUROTIC. FUCKING. MESS. I only did one song (below; sorry about the ad, I couldn't find a better version) and I think it went pretty well, but still. Ugh. So now I'm craving validation. Anybody feel like feeding my ego? It sure could use it right about now. Even if you don't really like me, maybe just pretend you do. Or even if you actually hate my fucking guts, maybe you could make a point to tell me that you don't.  I will accept comments, emails, text messages, Facebook messages, @messages on Twitter, phone calls, faxes, carrier pigeons or anything else you can think of.





EDIT: Check out the troll face Big Daddy made for me! It's so much a more accurate depiction of what I really look (and feel) like. THANKS!

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