I don't understand how this happened

I don't like yelling. It's loud. And scary. Please don't yell at me. If you're in another part of the house and you want to tell me something, please get up and come find me instead of screaming your demands at me from 2 floors away. Chances are pretty good that I can't hear what you said, anyway. So, I'll yell back "WHAT?" And you'll repeat whatever you just said, and I still didn't hear you, so I end up schlepping my fat ass to whatever room you're in to find out, when you could have just schlepped your tiny ass to me in the first place.

I'm sure that was your plan all along, you devious little bastards, so most of the time I just pretend I didn't hear it. Then the child is forced to get up and come find me. This system works better for me.

So, how the hell did I become a yeller?

Our house is what they call a split level, which means there are 2 stories on one side and 1 on the other, in the middle. It's also pretty big. As we have already established, I spend every waking moment in the kitchen, which is the middle level. The bedrooms are upstairs and the TV room is downstairs. So, I'm usually in the middle of wherever they are. And I spend a LOT of time yelling at them about stuff.

"GET YOUR SHOES ON IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL!"

"COME IN HERE AND HAVE DINNER!"

"THREE MINUTES AND IT'S TIME FOR BED!"

"CHILD 1! DO YOU WANT CHEERIOS?"

"WHO DREW ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR?"

"WHY IS THERE A PILE OF WET SOCKS IN MY DINING ROOM?"

"CHILD 2, STOP HITTING THE CAT WITH YOUR PANTS!"

"WHO IS CRYING RIGHT NOW?"

"WHAT IS THAT SMELL???"

(etc. I'm sure you guys can come up with some of your own...)

I do this, and yet I still hate yelling. I hate it when I do it, too.

I don't understand how this happened. How did I become what I hate? I'm thinking of getting an intercom system installed.


Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Can somebody please explain this to me?

Full arm tattoos: I don't understand them.

The arm of a douchebag

Seriously, guys, I don't get it. What is the point of covering your entire arm with permanent ink? I do understand how tattoos can be addictive, though. I have 2 and I'm already thinking about the 3rd.

Simultaneously cool and painful!

 But your entire arm? I don't get it! Why? Is there some religious symbolism? Some hipster symbolism? Some douchebag symbolism? Can somebody please shed some light? Thank you very much.

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Real musicians have day jobs

WTF does that mean?? This bumpersticker has been haunting me for years now. I figure it means one of two things:

1. Being a musician IS their day job, so stop telling them not to quit their day jobs, or

2. A real musician is too cool to make money from being a musician, so playing music is what they do at night and during the day they work at Fed Ex/Kinkos.

Please. Somebody help me out.

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