Let's talk about the number 42

42? Why are we talking about that number, you ask? Well, no reason, actually. I just thought I'd take a moment, on this day of the year that has absolutely no significance whatsoever, to randomly talk about a number that has no meaning to me. Hey, I'm a Bookkeeper! I like numbers! 42 is totally NOT a prime number, you know; in fact it is not only divisible by another number other than itself and 1, it is divisible by FIVE MORE THAN THAT. It's really a great number, when you think about it. But you probably should try not to think about it too much. That's my plan for the day, anyway.

Here are some interesting facts about the number 42. I don't feel like citing my source, so just trust me that I know what I'm talking about and/or I know how to google and then copy and paste:

1. In Mathematics, number 42 is called an abundant number. For what reason? Let’s say, it is equivalent to one semester in college to find out why it’s called an abundant number.
2. In Chemistry, number 42 is the atomic number of molybdenum.
3. The angle of rainbow is 42 degrees.
4. A 3×3x3 magic cube has a sum of 42.
5. In the Ancient Egyptian religion, there are 42 gods and goddesses to represent the principles of Ma’at.
6. In the bible, there are 42 generations in the Genealogy of Jesus according to the Gospel of Matthew.
7. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland has 42 illustrations
8. 42 is a magic number for programmers. In the TIFF image file format, it is the second 16-bit word of every file.
9. Tiling a plane using regular hexagons occupy all in all 42 squares.
10. In the Book of Revelations, it is mentioned that the Beast will hold dominion over the Earth for 42 days

Wow, that's actually kind of weird. In a search of interesting facts about the number 42, I come up with 10 results and none of them mention Douglas Adams. Isn't that weird? You would think that would be #1 in the list. I mean, fuck math... who the hell cares about MATH? You know who fucking hates math? Child 1. And whatever Child 1 hates, we all should hate. Because he's an angel child who has psychic abilities and we should all trust whatever he says about anything. That actually makes my profession kind of awkward, but it's okay because I'm in therapy and eventually I'll work that one out.

And now, please enjoy this video by the 1980's band Level 42. OH, I bet you thought this was going to be Something About You, but NO! As a child of the 1980's I had the privilege of actually listening to all this crap on the radio when it was new, and I like this Level 42 song better than the one they're famous for (One Hit Wonder. Thank you, SongPop for that reminder). Apparently there is no actual MTV (when they used to play music) video of this song, so this was the best I could do. I could have found you a live version, but apparently this dude fucking sucked live. And by "apparently" I mean "OH MY GOD."

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TEN

My baby boy (Child 1) turns 10 today.

10 years old.

He's 10. Years. Not months.... years.

Double digits. A 1 and a 0 put together.

I don't understand how this happened. How is my little baby 10 years old?

Here are the things I can quickly list that I've gone through in the last 10 years:

1. PCOS (but it worked out okay. Twice!)
2. Preeclampsia
3. Post-partum depression
4. Death of a loved one
5. Autism

I'm probably forgetting lots of stuff, but those seem the most relevant to this discussion.

I've never talked here about the post-partum depression, and I probably will one day, but not today. I'll just say that of the 5 things listed there, that one was definitely the worst. I know it seems odd, since my brother died and that should be worse, but in my opinion there is nothing in the world worse than post-partum depression. Then again, I've never been dying or in chronic pain.

This year I decided I'm not making him a cake, I'm just going to hand him a tub of frosting and a spoon. That's all he ever eats of it, anyway!

Anyway... in honor of this wonderful (?) day (sob) I am giving you guys a present. Some of you have been bugging (the shit out of) me to give you this gift for as long as I've known you, so here you are!!! Finally!!!! A picture of me....

This was taken in April 2002, so it's 10 years later but I pretty much still look like this. Maybe a little older and a little, um... wider.... but more or less the same. Oh, my hair is shorter now, but it's still a big jewfro, so don't worry about that part.

Happy Birthday Child 1 !!!!!

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Birthday Award Ceremony!

Thank you guys so much for humoring me and my silly little quiz. I was worried nobody would take it because I'm a silly dumbass, but lots of people ended up taking it!! Thank you for feeding my ego! HORRAY EVERYBODY!!! (Except... there was a typo in there. And nobody told me! WTF?? How did nobody mention the typo? THANKS A LOT, "FRIENDS.")

And MAN did you guys have some awesome ideas for prizes! I'm a little sad I can't award everybody, although.... I actually might. There were some good ideas in there that I may very well steal and pretend that it was my idea. And, also, some of them were quite reasonable, so if you really want what you said you wanted your prize to be, let me know, I'll probably still do it.

Anyway! There were three people who got 100% on the test and therefore three people will be awarded prizes today!! YAY!! (There were also two people who only got ONE question right on the whole thing. HA HA HA!! I may decide to "award" them "prizes," as well.... *snicker*)

But, I was looking through the test results the other night, and I wondered what would happen if I graded you guys on a curve? How would that change the results, I wonder? Teachers do that all the time, right? It's supposed to be easier? So, I asked hubs for help, because he's smarter than I am, and together we came up with this neat little bell curve type chart thingy!

And you know what I learned from viewing the results in this manner? That I have no fucking idea how to grade on a curve. Not a clue.

AND NOW.... THE WINNERS....

Our first winner is Liza! Who I don't know, actually. Hubs asked me if I thought it was weird or creepy that a total and complete stranger would get 100% on a test about me. Um.... Anyway! Liza said that for her prize she wanted "A birthday story." When I asked for clarification, she said "I'd love to hear about one of your memorable birthday moments, happy, sad, funny, horrific, whatever. It could be about anybody, past or present." I'm not sure if this post counts, but I'm going to guess probably not, so YES! Liza. You will get your birthday post as soon as I can think of something memorable to tell you about. So... that should be happening any day now.... hmmm.... do you smell something burning?

Our second winner is Dave! Who I also don't know! So, um... yeah.... there's nothing awkward at all about complete strangers getting 100% scores on tests about me.... nope.... nothing at all.... Dave said "My prize is for the hubs to take you on a date, then you can blog about it. Perhaps a picture of the food or bowling alley or park, whatever." That is a DAMN good idea, Dave. DAMN good. I am texting my babysitter AS I WRITE THIS, Dave!!! I will keep you posted.

Our third and final winner is somebody I know. YAY!! It's Roxanne, who blogs at Unintentionally Brilliant and can be found on Twitter at @roxisbrilliant. Brilliant work, Roxanne!! AHA HA HA HA HA HA..... sorry..... Anyway, Roxanne requested I draw a picture of her and her little man having a lightsaber fight. HERE YA GO!!! YAY!

"Hey, I made you some toast!"
"Isn't it a little on the dark side?"

AND NOW.... THE ANSWERS....

1.  Who or what did I say is "trying too hard" ?

1. Sarah Palin
2. Child 2's preschool teacher
3. An artichoke (Source)
4. The car parked across the street

2.  Who is my blog idol?

1. Me. Only me. Forever. Always. Just me.
2. Allie Brosh (Source)
3. Eschaton
4. Amanda Marcotte

3.  What is Child 2's favorite song?

1. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor (Source)
2. Truckin'
3. The Mickey's Clubhouse theme song
4. Anything by Abba

4.  What is Child 1's (and therefore my) "old nemesis"?

1. Rakes
2. Scratchy shirts
3. The sun
4. Fire drills (Source)

5.  What do hubs and I do every Friday night?

1. #wineparty
2. Play Rock Band (Source)
3. Get a babysitter and go out to dinner
4. Karaoke

6.  Child 1 has a "test" for every new teacher he has every year. What is it?

1. The "sensory" test
2. The "softness" test
3. The "decibal" test
4. The "niceness" test (Source)

7.  How many birds, in total, have I actually killed?

1. 0 (Source and source. Birds of the "Angry" variety don't count!)
2. 1
3. 2
4. 3

8.  Why was there a cat intentionally locked in our garage for 2 months?

1. He was rabid
2. No reason, we're just really really mean
3. He had a broken leg (Source and source and source)
4. He was fighting all the other cats

9.  Where is my happy place?

1. My car
2. Drunk somewhere, it doesn't matter the location
3. My big, comfy comfy bed
4. Target (Too many sources to list!)

10.  How does Child 2 say "sarcasm" ?

1. "sarcastum"
2. "starcasm" (Source)
3. "starcastum"
4. "sarcasmst"

11.  What is the most amount of cats I have had at one time?

1. 4
2. 7
3. 12 (Source)
4. 13

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A birthday post

So, we're playing Rock Band... because it's my birthday... and for my birthday I want to play Rock Band... and then this happened.....

You see what I did there? I scored #57 in the entire world of all the people who play Rock Band and sing Love is a Battlefield. I'm actually rather proud of that. I mean, I don't know exactly how many other people I'm competing against here in the Rock Band leaderboard world, but there has to be a lot, right? And here I scored #57 of all those people. I think that's cool. That's cool! Just accept it!! IT'S COOL. I'M ACTUALLY VERY PROUD OF MYSELF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Anyhoozle, you know who is seriously underrated? Billy Joel? BILLY JOEL!! Why don't more people love him? Why?? Because "more people" are too fucking young, is the problem, in my opinion. I think. "More people" just don't get the brilliance of Mr. Joel. Because he's awesome. So very very awesome.






OH MY GOD. This song fucking kills me. KILLS ME. I love Billy Joel. I want more than anything to meet him, in person, and tell him how fucking awesome I think he is. That will never happen, but that's okay. None of us, ever, get to meet our heroes, really, do we? Okay, I get that. And yet, here we are.

Okay! So, let's talk about my birthday for a moment. As I write this, it's about 30 minutes past midnight, so it's technically not my birthday anymore, but we don't care about technicalities, do we? Did I spell that right? There's no red line underneath it, so I'm going to assume it's spelled right. Anyway, what was my point. OH RIGHT. One of my prize winners from my quiz had requested a birthday post. She said I'm a good storyteller. I thought maybe she was thinking of somebody else, but then I emailed her and she wrote back and huh. She was actually talking about me. Anyway, she requested a birthday post, and here it is! Me, writing a post on my birthday. Probably not what she had in mind, but then again, this isn't the actual prize giving post, so maybe nobody will notice.

SHHHHHH.......

Okay, so..... my point is as follows: Okay, well, Liza, I'm sorry, this isn't your prize, because obviously this sucks and it's a sucky prize if it were a prize, but good thing it's not because it sucks. You know who you are!

My SECOND point is that.... if you haven't already taken my birthday test, you need to take my birthday test. Remember! It's anonymous! And such. And it makes me happy to see that you've taken it. And don't you want to make me happy? The question alone makes me sleepy. And gassy.

Also click here.

And then visit this site, because she's cool and I like her. So you should like her, too. And stop questioning me!!! Also, she got the worst fucking score on my test. OMG she sucked so bad! HA HA HA HA HA H!!!!! She got, like, ONE question right! But, seriously, I love her and she's awesome.... so... yeah.

And then take the test. Because I said so.

P.S. I apologize for whatever it was I said above. It's my birthday and I'm (obviously) drunk and I didn't proof read before I hit "Publish Post." Don't judge me.....

ALSO: TAKE THE TEST. BECAUSE YOU'RE AWESOME. AND IT'S OPEN BOOK!!!

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It's my birthday and I'll be vain if I want to

Excitement and/or interest not to scale

It's my birthday today!

YAY!

How old am I, you ask? Well, sure, I'd be glad to tell you: today I turn the 13th prime number. HORRAY!

So, since it's my birthday, I thought I'd be vain today. I mean, that's what blogging is, after all: an exercise in vanity. So why not take advantage of the combination of these two things happening in one day? I don't see why not.

And so... I have created a test. A test to see how well you've been paying attention over the last 15 or so months that I've been at this blogging thing. I know that not everybody has been reading since the beginning, actually only about 3 people have been, so I've made it easy for you by making this test open book. All the answers to the questions on this 11 question multiple choice test can be found within the pages of this blog (down at the very bottom of the left side column there is a search box). It should be pretty easy. Right?

MAYBE!

The winner will be the person who gets 100%. Should there be more than one person, I may award all of you, or I may randomly pick one or two. I don't know yet, it depends how many there are.

Said winner, of course, will get a prize; and you guys know that I always give prizes when I promise them... y'know, eventually. And the best part? THE BEST PART??? This time I want you to pick the prize. At the end of the test is a place for you to tell me what you want your prize to be if you win. It can be absolutely anything you want, with a few exceptions. AAAANYTHING.

I KNOW, right???

Here are the exceptions to the prize rule:

1. I'm not showing you a picture or a video of myself. Don't even bother complaining about it, Sara, it's just not going to happen!! So don't even ask!

2. Please make sure it's something that physics will allow me to do, I mean.... humans still can't fly and all that...

3. I am willing to spend some money but please don't break me; I'm not rich

4. I won't do anything that I am ethically or politically opposed to. So, while you might think that it would be hilarious to make me give a campaign contribution to Michele Bachmann... yeah, sorry, no...

The test is also completely anonymous, if you want it to be. It asks you for your name but you can always lie, and it doesn't capture your IP address when you submit your answers, so unless you want me to know, I will have absolutely no idea who the winner is. Anybody in the world is welcome to take it, (except Hubs) so all you need is some interest! (I assume that's the hard part). Not telling me who you are, however, won't stop me from awarding you the prize you requested. If you win? You get the prize.

Okay. SO! To take the test, simply click on the link to the test. You will then see this:

See, you can put whatever you want in there as your name, as long as you don't leave it blank, but you do need to put the correct Access Code, which is JILL. (If you can't remember the access code you probably won't do very well on the test, though. I'm just sayin).

At the end you will be asked, again, who you are and again, tell me whatever you want. Then it will ask you what you want your prize to be should you win. GO TO TOWN, PEOPLE!! Get creative!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!! I'm looking forward to seeing the shit you guys can come up with.

Once you submit your answers, you will get a score telling you how well you did, but you will not get the answers. This is to prevent you from coming back and taking it again with the correct answers. Unfortunately, because the last question is "fill in the blank" if you get all the questions right, your score will only be 92%. It's confusing, don't ask, but you can get a pdf of your answers and see which ones you got right.

Once I think I've gotten enough submissions, I will turn the test off and come back here with the winner and the answers.

I'm turning off commenting for this post so if you have any questions, find me on twitter or email jillsmo at gmail.com. Are you sorry that you can't wish me a happy birthday? WELL YOU SHOULD BE SORRY. Actually, if you want to give me a present, you can go over to the sidebar there on the left and click on that juggling chick with the apron and the boobs; and then do that again every day that you come back. (this is the last time I will mention that, I promise).

Okay, now I feel icky for having been so annoyingly vain. Good thing this only happens once a year....

Oh, by the way, I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on this online testing software that I will probably never use again, so if anybody wants to borrow it, let me know, because I paid for a whole year and somebody might as well get some use out of it.

TAKE MY BIRTHDAY TEST!!!

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