A letter to Elisabeth J.A.

This screenshot has been making the Facebook rounds; I don't know where it originated from and I've done my best to remove the identifying information. Seeing this makes me want to start sobbing and run and hide from the world, but instead of lying on the floor in the fetal position, I thought I would try to calmly respond to this, in the hopes that Elisabeth might see it.

Elisabeth, my son is autistic; I call him Child 1. He's 10 years old, will be 11 in January. His autism affects him in a way that causes him to spend a good deal of time "lost" in his own thoughts. When you talk to him, he is very likely to respond to you in a way that involves whatever he is thinking about (elevators, subway trains, etc.) and oftentimes it doesn't make a lot of sense. He also flaps his hands and runs back and forth a lot. He doesn't like it when other people try to engage with him, particularly people his own age. He likes to be alone. If you were to meet him, it would be obvious to you almost immediately that there was something "different" about him. You wouldn't necessarily know what was going on, but you would know that there was something happening.

Sometimes he gets angry with me, usually because he doesn't get his way, much like any other kid, and when he does he will hit me. He doesn't hit hard, he doesn't cause injury, and he does it only to express his frustration. He feels frustrated because he's not getting what he wants but also because he has a very difficult time explaining to me how he is feeling. Have you ever been having a conversation and suddenly you can't find the word to describe what you want to say but you don't know why? You might say it's "on the tip of my tongue," or something similar. Imagine if all of your words were always "on the tip of your tongue." That's how my son feels almost all of the time, and as you hopefully are able to understand, that can be a very frustrating feeling. If you felt like that all the time, you might want to hit me, too: in the moment.

But then the moment is over, and my son's frustration will subside, and he will go about his business just as happily as before. This is typical autistic behavior, and it comes with differing levels of severity depending on the individual person. What is not typical autistic behavior is somebody who will irrationally direct violent rage onto a person who is not immediately connected to their situation. They will not spend any time plotting revenge, or planning what they will do next; they will not drive to a different location and shoot people they don't even know. When the frustration is gone, it is gone.

My son is who you're talking about when you refer to "these monsters," and I'm writing this now because it's so important to me that you know about him, and others likes him. Autistic people are not "sick fucks." My son is not a "sick fuck." He is a sweet, beautiful, smart child, who is funny and warm and caring, just like most autistic people are, regardless of their ability to communicate. Elisabeth, what happened in Connecticut didn't happen because the shooter was autistic.

Here's another point of information for you to know: 46% of autistic children have reported being bullied in middle school and high school. This happens for a number of reasons, most notably because 1. They are noticeably "different," as I mentioned about my son earlier, and 2. There is a good deal of misinformation out there about autism, a lot of which is being spread by an irresponsible media at the moment, and your words here cause harm. You are helping to spread incorrect information about my son and you are causing him harm. 

You need to know that my child has a much greater chance of being a victim of violent crime than of being a perpetrator. You need to know this, Elisabeth; you need to be aware of how your words cause harm. I understand your anger at the situation, I'm angry, too; and I understand your need to try to find meaning in why 20 babies and 6 adults had to die, but I promise you, Elisabeth, I promise: autism is not the reason for this. 

I'm happy to talk with you more about this privately if you'd like to contact me. jillsmo at gmail.com; I promise I'm a nice person and my goal here is to educate, not to cause a fight.

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