Somebody thanked me today for a post I wrote about 6 months ago, ironically it was a post I had written in response to people thanking me for posts I've written. She said it saved her from despair, and it got me thinking about how I have apparently gained myself this reputation for speaking the truth about things, but I haven't been doing very much of that lately. So, I thought I'd do it again and explain the real reason why I've pretty much stopped blogging: depression.
I'm struggling. Hard. The last 6 months or so have been really difficult. I've been depressed my entire life, at some point in the last 10 or so years I just came to terms with the fact that my brain chemistry is fucked and I would need to be on some kind of medication for the rest of my life, but apparently they stop working after you've been taking them for 20+ years and so I'm currently in the middle of trying to work out the chemistry in my fucked up head, and it's been an enormous struggle.
I know I'm not the first person who has stopped blogging because of depression, in fact I know that a few of my blogging idols have gone that same route.
Right now I'm in this place where I bounce back and forth from being semi okay to being very very not okay; it's completely unpredictable and I'm literally a slave to my emotions. Some days it's all I can do to just get the bare minimum done, and even then I don't do it all that well. Blogging, or being funny, or being eloquent, or being meaningful,,,, is simply impossible. Even typing this words right now is a huge effort for me. So I'm just waiting.... waiting for the brain chemicals to figure themselves out and for things to get better. Fuck, waiting is hard.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Is it to "de-stigmatize mental illness?" I've always hated shit like that, it sounds so phony. Do I feel the need to "come clean" about where I've been? I don't know, I don't think I owe anybody an explanation. I'm not doing this for your pity (turning off comments, sorry), this is not a cry for help, and I'm definitely not asking for advice; it's just more informational than anything else. This is what's going on with me. I bet it's also what's going on with a lot of you. I guess we should talk about it? Will that help?
So, I'm just writing this to get it out there, I guess. I mean... what's the worst that can happen? That the world will know? Isn't that the point of this truth-telling reputation I've gained for myself? To be honest about the good and the bad and all that's in between? Although maybe this is too honest; too much information. I don't know. If I end up regretting this, I'll just delete it.....