I have to say that I was surprised at how few of you got them all right: which was exactly two of you (at the time of this writing, Thursday 9:32pm PST). I actually thought that Dana K had gotten them all right, so I contacted her on Twitter to tell her that she had won the prize, but then when I looked again I noticed she had said both were "nutjob" on #7, so technically, Dana, even though I told you you were the winner, you're really not. But I'll still give you a prize. Because I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool like dat. I'm cool.....
Sarcasm Goddess and Stacey at Tangerine Monday are the two people who got all the answers right. Congratulations!! I will give prizes to all three of you, but... I don't feel like thinking of something right now, so.... some other day. When you least expect it? Sure, why not.
And now, the answers.....
Legend:
Satire is pink Nutjobbery is green My commentary cannot be constrained by the label of "a color"
1. 2nd Amendment
a. This Christmas I want you to do the most loving thing and I want you to buy each of your children an SKS rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition. Source: Matthew Trewhella, The National Constitution Party. Never heard of this guy before and I've already forgotten who he is.
b. If 8-year-old boys discharging loaded firearms into their own legs isn't necessary to the maintenance of a well-regulated militia, I don't know what is. Source: The Onion. See how I started out so easy? Everybody got this one right.
2. Women's Rights
a. Gov. Tommy Thompson signed a bill yesterday requiring a 24-hour waiting period for women voters. According to the bill, women will come to their polling location and receive counseling and advice concerning their political selections, and will be shown pictures of both candidates to help them decide for whom they want to vote. Thompson stressed that not only do women have a “right to know,” but also that “by having to make two trips to the polls, they will be less likely to make the foolish mistakes their sex is often prone to make.” Source: The Onion. It was hard not to just take all of my satire from the Onion, but I thought I should branch out a bit.
b. If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president.... And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?' Source: Ann Coulter. Yep, that's right folks! These words were spoken by the lovely Ann Coulter, herself. A WOMAN! (theoretically, anyway) That's assuming, of course, that "lovely" actually means "fire breathing skank."
3. Gay Marriage
a. Fag marriage is the ultimate smash-mouth insult to God, and drives a stake in the heart of the Bridegroom and the Bride. The antediluvian world was the only other time in history where samesex marriage contracts were drawn up – and the Lord destroyed the entire population of the world, save eight souls, because of it. In these the last days of all, fag marriage is THE neon harbinger of the second coming of Christ to destroy this evil world by fire. Source: Westboro Baptist Church. Had anybody ever heard the word "antediluvian" before yesterday? NOBODY.
b. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Source: Landover Baptist Church. I originally thought this one was too obvious but then hubs reminded me that there actually are people out there who think dogs have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Education
a. There is no compelling policy reason for the federal government to be involved in K-12 education, and in the long-run America’s schools would be better without it. Source: Downsizing Government.org. This one probably isn't all that "nutjobby," really, since there are a lot of conservatives who believe this, but I wanted to find a quote about education so I could use the one below....
b. There is no better way to democratize education in this country than by bringing the voices of CEOs and hedge fund managers into the equation. Source: Last Stand for Children First. THIS was the dude whose Twitter account fooled me and prompted this whole goddamn motherfucking sucky ass post that I hate. His profile says "created to fight for better education for our country's children by standing up to teachers and reaching out to the wealthy." And I said "are you serious?" and he answered with something equally satirical and I was like "FUCK THAT!" But then I went to the website and had to apologize for misjudging him. Follow him on Twitter @LS4C1 and visit his website at Last Stand for Children First: dedicated to providing all children with a quality education in spite of their teachers.
5. Religion vs. Science
a. The Sun levitates in the sky. No man can levitate the Sun in the sky, so obviously God is doing it. Source: Landover Baptist Church. This was actually taken from a comment in the discussion forum on this site, in response to the actual nutjobbery, below.
b. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that. Source: Bill O'Reilly. Yeah. Bill O'Reilly. Fox News' Bill O'Reilly. He's fair and balanced and he thinks the tides can't be explained. If any of you are redditors, this quote is responsible for the picture below because the dude he said this to (David Silverman, President of American Atheists) made this exact expression when he heard these words (you can see it in the video, at the link):
6. Politics
a. If Governor Perry says he is not Beelzebub, I take his word for it. On the other hand, I don't know all of the particulars, you know where he was born and the circumstances involved. All I can say is that people should do their own due diligence and decide for themselves. Source: The Spoof. Have you ever heard of this site before? I hadn't. I have now, though!
b. Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames. Source: Glenn Beck. Mmmmhmmmmm. Glenn Beck. Although, since this was taken out of context, I suppose he could have been joking when he said this. I could probably do some research and find out but I think I've done enough research for this motherfucking goddamn sucky ass post that I hate.
7. Obama
a. Barack Obama and Adolf Hitler are one in the same. Both are very dark men who hide their ancestral roots and claim to be Christians, all to gain power and corrupt the free world with their Satanic ways. I am very afraid of Barack Obama and you should be too. Hitler’s ultimate goal was to commit genocide and Obama supports the endless murder of babies. Source: ChristWire. You guys had a hard time with this one, probably because these two are so similar, but as @elizamccall said in her comment, it's kind of a trick question because it just depends on who said it. Stephen Colbert speaking the above is definitely satire, but Donald Trump saying it makes him a nutjob. So, really, this one was kind of impossible. Sorry....
b. Let there be no mistake, Obama is no natural born American just as Hilter was no natural born German. Look closely and decide your future and the future of your children. There is an evil foreign body infecting America's health, it found a home because America's natural immunity was poisoned by our greed. We like the Germans have turned to charismatic leaders to save us, and in doing so we find we are beyond salvation. Source: Birthers. Picked this one straight off the front page of the official website of the Birther movement. I'm lookin at YOU, Michele Bachmann and whatever that witch chick's name is...
