Nutjob or satire? You tell me!

Note: This is an old post and there is no longer a contest. If you want a prize, though, let me know.... we'll talk.


Okay, well. I originally started writing a post about how I think my funny has been broken lately and this was supposed to be my way of bringing said funny back. But then as I started to explain exactly what I think has happened to my funny, I got this idea about a quiz that I could make which might make you guys laugh and/or think. So, I turned the post in a different direction.

But then as I started researching for it, I ended up spending all. fucking. day. scouring the stupid internet for quotes that I could use, I realized that this post had taken a horrible, horrible turn for the very much not funny at all. In fact, after having spent all. fucking. day. working on this stupid thing, I now feel a little dirty and I kind of hate myself a little bit for having spent so much time on it. But, I can't just throw it away, I have to see the stupid thing through, so here we are. A very not funny post about how I think I've lost my funny lately. I actually think I hate this post now. Awesome. (I swear to god an animal had better die in my house or something this weekend so that I have something funny to write about!!! I'll kill one, myself, if I have to.)

(If you want to read something that I wrote that's not necessarily funny but isn't completely not funny, now is your chance to bail out! Go read my guest post over at my Sister in Shit's blog, Not a Real Princess)

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The other day, on the twitter, I fell for a satirical account by thinking it was real. In my defense, though (such as it is), I had only read one line of this person's profile and didn't visit their website before making this determination (I'm not going to tell you who it is just now because I'm using one of their quotes in the quiz below. I'll tell you tomorrow). Once I went to their website, however, it became rather obvious that they were a satire and not for real.

I felt like a fucking idiot. ME? Being that gullible?? WTF, me?? I'm not supposed to think satire is real, I'm supposed to think that real things are satire!

Something was wrong. My funny must be broken.

As I scrambled for rationalizations on how to defend myself to myself, I realized that the problem is that much of the nutjobbery out there is so over the top nutjobbish that it isn't very much different from the satire. In fact, the profile that I read on Twitter was very much like something somebody might actually say. The line between what is real and what is satire has become so fine that it's almost impossible to tell them apart sometimes. The nutjobs have become satires of themselves, except they're not joking, which is terrifying when you think about it (which is why I generally try not to think about it). So maybe my funny isn't that broken after all?

And so, I have created this quiz: Nutjob or Satire? I have compiled quotes (all of which are taken out of context, of course) on various topic from across the internets. One is from a real, non satirical website (nutjob) and the other is from a satirical website (satire): tell me which is which. Hubs says this has been done before, and I'm sure that's true, it's probably been done to death, but this one is aaaaalllllll mine.

Your job is to take my quiz and put your answers in the comments. The person who gets them all correct will win a prize!! (And you KNOW how awesome my prizes are). I figure that most of these are rather obvious so I will (probably) randomly pick one of the people who get them all right and give that person a prize. Alternatively, if you want to skip the quiz and just mock me in the comments, you may also be eligible for a prize. Or not. I'm not sure how much more of this post I can take...... At any rate, tomorrow I will post the answers and the sources and blah blah blah......

Nutjob or Satire? You Tell Me!

1. 2nd Amendment

1. This Christmas I want you to do the most loving thing and I want you to buy each of your children an SKS rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition.
2. If 8-year-old boys discharging loaded firearms into their own legs isn't necessary to the maintenance of a well-regulated militia, I don't know what is.

2. Women's Rights

1. Gov. Tommy Thompson signed a bill yesterday requiring a 24-hour waiting period for women voters. According to the bill, women will come to their polling location and receive counseling and advice concerning their political selections, and will be shown pictures of both candidates to help them decide for whom they want to vote. Thompson stressed that not only do women have a “right to know,” but also that “by having to make two trips to the polls, they will be less likely to make the foolish mistakes their sex is often prone to make.”
2. If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president.... And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?'

3. Gay Marriage

1. Fag marriage is the ultimate smash-mouth insult to God, and drives a stake in the heart of the Bridegroom and the Bride. The antediluvian world was the only other time in history where samesex marriage contracts were drawn up – and the Lord destroyed the entire population of the world, save eight souls, because of it. In these the last days of all, fag marriage is THE neon harbinger of the second coming of Christ to destroy this evil world by fire. 
2. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Education

1. There is no compelling policy reason for the federal government to be involved in K-12 education, and in the long-run America’s schools would be better without it. 
2. There is no better way to democratize education in this country than by bringing the voices of CEOs and hedge fund managers into the equation. 

5. Religion vs. Science

1. The Sun levitates in the sky. No man can levitate the Sun in the sky, so obviously God is doing it.
2. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that.

6. Politics

1. If Governor Perry says he is not Beelzebub, I take his word for it. On the other hand, I don't know all of the particulars, you know where he was born and the circumstances involved. All I can say is that people should do their own due diligence and decide for themselves.
2. Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.

7. Obama

1. Barack Obama and Adolf Hitler are one in the same. Both are very dark men who hide their ancestral roots and claim to be Christians, all to gain power and corrupt the free world with their Satanic ways. I am very afraid of Barack Obama and you should be too. Hitler’s ultimate goal was to commit genocide and Obama supports the endless murder of babies. 
2. Let there be no mistake, Obama is no natural born American just as Hilter was no natural born German. Look closely and decide your future and the future of your children. There is an evil foreign body infecting America's health, it found a home because America's natural immunity was poisoned by our greed. We like the Germans have turned to charismatic leaders to save us, and in doing so we find we are beyond salvation.

UPDATE: Here are the answers!

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