The Dive Bar Welcomes: The Porn Queen Mom

I don't know exactly how to introduce this one. *snicker* Well, just read it.... *giggle*...

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Honey. Please Take Mommy's Dildo Out Of Your Mouth.

I hate that my kid runs away. Fucking hate it. When she does, I can lose her for, like, 15 minutes. Do you know what happens in 15 minutes? Imminent death. Death or porn.

Not kid porn, you sick fuck. Just the self taught actions of a future porn star. Not proud to say this but during one of her hiding gigs, my daughter found my B.O.B.

For those in the "I'm not reading 50 Shades because I have morals" group, that's a Battery Operated Boyfriend. A dildo. A vibrator. A play toy. Mommy's favorite past time.

Now, she's a sly little minx. I can't hide anything from her. She sees M&M's from a five mile radius or through refrigerator doors. She knows where I've hidden her toys during punishments. She can sniff them out like a bloodhound. This really shouldn't have been much of a shock.

Granted, my vibrating friend wasn't hidden very well either. She pulled that thing right out of his home and when I found her sitting on my bed, she was pretending it was a purple dick shaped lollipop. I screamed and jumped at her with vigor. I probably yanked it out of her mouth oh god I'm going to hell... did I just write that? and loosened a few teeth. Thank fuck it had been sanitized. I wasn't prepared for that visual. It'll never leave my brain.

All fun and games aside, I guess should've have expected it. She's been pole dancing around the tall floor lamp in the living room again lately.

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