xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: Are you awesome enough?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Are you awesome enough?



Sometimes my kids make me so fucking crazy I want to toss them both out the window.

Child 1 is drinking water out of a flask right now.

Sometimes I sit here during the bedtime routine and I just shout orders at them without even looking at them. They ignore me. Child 2 apparently isn't capable of brushing his teeth in the bathroom, he needs to be doing a naked butt dance around the room at the same time. While tormenting the cat somehow. And then he wonders why she scratches him.

Sometimes I buy them chocolate when we're at the store but then I change my mind about giving it to them and lie to them that I didn't actually buy it so that I can eat it, myself, later after they're in bed.

Child 2 has the worst fucking potty mouth. Imagine that.

If I ever have to wipe another poopy butt I might just kill something. I don't care what, a bug would be fine. A spider, maybe.

Child 1 is currently in the midst of this calendar obsession and I'm telling you.... I DO NOT CARE when Cesar Chavez's birthday was and I don't have any desire WHATSOEVER to constantly discuss the issue. I also have no idea what the Mexican Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe is (December 12th), and I have absolutely no intention of looking it up.

I dream of being able to sleep at night without having a child next to me. I am the anti co-sleeper. I wish to actively eject my children from the family bed. I would lock them in their rooms if I wasn't so afraid of everybody dying in a fire during the night because they're stuck in their rooms with no way of escape.

We have no fire escapes.

Take that, Mommy Wars. What else you got?


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Posted by jillsmo at 9:11 PM
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lostinidaho 38p · 671 weeks ago

YOUR VIEWS DIFFER FROM ME, THEREFORE YOU HATE YOUR CHILDREN!!!

I love some of the arguments people use whenever parenting comes into play. Everybody knows better than you do, about everything, no matter what. And you're always doing it wrong...

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Stephi · 671 weeks ago

OMG! It's like you totally read my mind or something.

I feel like I've been co-sleeping for 10 years! Finally got one out of my bed just in time to find out I was pregnant with #2! (they're 5yrs apart) And she, at almost 5 ALWAYS finds her way into my bed by 4am...every.freaking.morning...okay, I think there's been like two nights in the last month that she didn't, only because I completely exhausted her & let her stay up late, just so I could sleep without a foot in my face!

We have no fire escapes either.

Then to top it off, with careful timing & planning I still can't get thru a whole bedroom activities session without someone coming to the door asking: "What's wrong with Mommy?" Dammit! I was totally enjoying that orgasm too!
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Monica · 671 weeks ago

Hilarious!!! :)
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Brenda · 668 weeks ago

Love this! When mt twins were 3months old I had a foot on each bassinet, they were prem, and rocked them to sleep, LOL! I suggest furniture in front of the door, I have a nice wardrobe up for grabs! (
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Mary · 671 weeks ago

I don't care for co-sleeping myself. Having a tiny foot crammed in my face is not my idea of restful. You go, girl. YOU.GO.
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catoctinknots 22p · 671 weeks ago

Moms are bitches.

Meee too.

See? Not judgmental. I included myself.

Also- I do the chocolate thing now, but luckily Eddie is too young to realize it. I'll get one of those cupcakes from Target that they have now that are all little and perfect and I'll be all "Eddie loves these! I'll share it with him!" Then I down the whole thing in the car... in the parking lot...
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Rachel · 671 weeks ago

Damn, you're good.

I was not into co-sleeping, on account of I DIDN'T LIKE BEING KICKED IN THE FACE ALL NIGHT LONG. I know, I'm such a bitch.

Oh, and I weaned my kid at 3 months. Yes, 3 months. I said to her, "Momma works full time TO SUPPORT THE ENTIRE FAMILY and wants to rest during her lunch break at work or maybe take a walk and not pump milk like a goddamned cow." The kid was like, whatevs.

Oh, and giving birth was not a hugely uplifting spiritual experience. A friend of my ex-husband asked how he felt about being part of the birth experience. He said it was like rubber-necking at a bloody ten-car collision.
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mmd · 671 weeks ago

Wow, I am working from home with my 8 month old and have been breastfeeding -- and damn is it exhausting. I couldn't IMAGINE working f/t outside of the home and breastfeeding. It's a f/t job in and of itself. It's a huge accomplishment you breastfed her for 3 months!
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mayorgia 44p · 671 weeks ago

Hahahahah I LOVE your time cover!! Sorry the kiddos are making you nutty.
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Kristi · 671 weeks ago

War is stupid. Nobody wins. Would you like to play a game of chess?
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Sandy · 671 weeks ago

Is it a second story window? I once threatened to throw mine out of the second story window if their father didn't leave work right that minute and save them. I was so sad (not!) when the doorknob to my son's bedroom got broken and couldn't be opened from the inside. It took away the "fear of fire" guilt. Getting locked in was unavoidable. I'm so happy to hear that I'm not alone and maybe not such an awful parent after all. Maybe we all have those moments.
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littlebitquirky 53p · 671 weeks ago

At least you don't pose with one of your children forcing them to feed at your boob on a national magazine.

I say you're winning!
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krf0109 · 671 weeks ago

I can't stand people who pretend life is fluffy with their kids all the time. I know about kids. I work with kids. And I can't believe how many times I have yelled about these things: eating slowly, getting dressed slowly, screwing around instead of eating or getting dressed, banging his knee repeatedly into the cabinet door and/or dancing around instead of brushing his teeth, rushing his bath and not even washing when I want him to just STAY in there or taking forever when it is already late, or.....
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Claire · 671 weeks ago

I'm with you, I hate co-sleeping, my son is huge blanket hogger. But it's acceptable during thunderstorms, I hate thunder more.
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Jenn@Fox in the City · 671 weeks ago

This right here is just one of the many reasons I love you!

I co-sleep not because I want to but because the kids want to and I am just desperate enough and exhausted enough that I can no longer fight it. Basically it is lazy parenting and I am okay with it . . . for now . . . my god I hope they get out of my bed soon. Sigh.
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ourcuckoosnest 1p · 671 weeks ago

It's all bullshit. Every mother out there can't stand their kids sometimes, they just are too chickenshit to admit it. Oh, what will people think? Life is a warzone with kids. You pick your battles and there isn't anyone who has a definitive answer as to how to properly raise children so they can shove it.
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thissideoftypical 57p · 671 weeks ago

we live on the top floor of a three story house, and while we have no fire escapes, we do have a multi-faceted, multi exit strategy for fire, mudslide, earthquake, raining frogs or blood and zombie apocalypse.

my kid refuses RE-FU-SES to pee in the potty. I am sick to DEATH of changing pull-ups or any other incarnation we try to get him to FUCKING ELIMINATE.

he wakes up at fucking 6AM damn near daily (except today apparently) with a damn smile and sunny disposition and it annoys the FUCK out of me.

and i wish my kid hadn't self-weaned at 1 year--not because i miss breast feeding, but i miss the calorie burn. we'd all be that skinny if we got to BF for three or more years, right? *grumble*

HONESTY ROCKS!

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smili76 42p · 671 weeks ago

This was awesome. Loved it. I hate having my kids in my bed, too. And at times, they annoy me beyond words. Love the honesty!
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Sarah · 671 weeks ago

Yes, yes and yes! I did the attachment parenting thing for awhile (without really realizing it, or the fact there was an AGENDA) but now? I'm over it. Stay out of my bed!
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drcynicism 1p · 671 weeks ago

"Child 1 is drinking water out of a flask right now." That right there is absolutely AWESOME. (Great blog by the way)!
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kchn55 2p · 671 weeks ago

OMG you are hilarious and I love the Time Mag picture. Motherhood is not for sissies!! Thanks for the laugh!
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justjenannhall 53p · 671 weeks ago

I know you already know this is a cool post.

Just this morning, like an hour ago, my daughter was driving me INSANE with her incessant singing of some boy band song she's obsessed with right now. I wanted to scream at her, Fucking shut the hell up! Instead I calmly said, Please stop singing. Like 4,000 times.
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asvinnycsit 30p · 671 weeks ago

*Slow clap... gradually escalating into riotous applause from the crowd*
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Lizbeth · 671 weeks ago

Here's the deal for me----I know I'm messing up my kids royally. I'm a god damned queen of messing things up but I am proud to say having my son hang off my titty while he can do advanced mathematics is one way I am NOT messing him up.
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extremeparenthood 87p · 671 weeks ago

It is posts like this that remind me why I love you so much.
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Beta Dad · 671 weeks ago

Why do you hate children? Mine are perfect and I'm breastfeeding them until they're in junior high.
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Mik of the Plains · 671 weeks ago

I bow at your feet oh Queen of Snark! Seriously, you need to put a "pee your pants" alert on these! LMAO here!!!

This whole debate has had me running to the bathroom and changing underwear frequently. Especailly the "Men can breastfeed" comment I heard on NPR yesterday. Brought back a scene from "Meet the Fockers" and a rubbery cast of someone's chest region. LMAO again!!!

I kicked my kids out of bed after I birthed them. Mean mom that I am. :-)

For the record, I tried breast feeding. It didn't go very well for me. My Kids are just fine, well adjusted, and independent thinkers. Isn't that the goal for all of us? Who really gives a crap how our kids get there.
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Mom2MissK 74p · 671 weeks ago

Dude.... co-sleeper eject button! That feature is SOOOOO going on my next bed!
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aprilgrant 9p · 671 weeks ago

LOL! I now have a 5 month old, and my 8 year old kept creeping into our bed. One night I just said, I can't. He had to go. We only have a queen sized bed, me, hubby, baby and 8 year old - too much. If he gets up in the middle of the night, I just tell him he can't stay. I know, I'm awful, but I need to get sleep. I already breastfeed every two hours, I can't also not sleep.

Parenting is hard. You have to do what you have to do to survive!
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autismwatches 29p · 671 weeks ago

I finally have Sam falling asleep in his own room, but I still wake up with a foot in my ear from time to time.

Right now Sammy is in his room and he is never coming out. Also he is never speaking to me again and it's all my fault.

I'm enjoying the quiet.
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Rards · 671 weeks ago

Killing spiders is wrong. WRONG!!!! And you won't get away with it, damn you!!
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Alexandra Tsaritsa · 671 weeks ago

I love this. This whole mommy wars thing is ridiculous-- do we have Mitt Romney to blame for all this nonsense?

Your TIME cover is *amazing*
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Shell · 671 weeks ago

This is hilarious. My kids prefer drinking water from wine glasses instead of flasks.
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C... · 671 weeks ago

I finally got my son to sleep in his own bed this year. Thank all might heaven.
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Patty · 671 weeks ago

This right here is why you are the coolest. blogger. ever! You have just put into words all the thoughts I have had since becoming a parent. So, so awesome!

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confessionsfromhh6 43p · 671 weeks ago

We NEVER co-slept. I enjoy sleeping without tiny feet kicking me. Not only that, but my SIL let her middle child into their bed shortly before we had our oldest, and they couldn't get him out. We learned from her mistake. I just like my sleep way too much. Sometimes I think it's bad enough I have to share with my husband. I can see why they had separate twin beds on those old TV shows. We already sleep with separate blankets because neither of us can share, and then sometimes he'll breathe in my face or my ear....UGH. But I love them all dearly when they're not annoying the hell out of me.
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Erica · 671 weeks ago

"Child 2 apparently isn't capable of brushing his teeth in the bathroom, he needs to be doing a naked butt dance around the room at the same time. "

Stop looking in my son's bedroom window.
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solodialogue 73p · 671 weeks ago

No one could rock the Time cover like Jillsmo!! I did not know there was a real alternative to co-sleeping. In my house that would be called an "all-nighter"...
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Mags · 671 weeks ago

This sounds like my life down to the naked butt dance except we don't have a cat. And judging by the rest of the comments here the naked butt dance may be the most 'typical' thing he does.

Oh and I wait until their father gives them a bath so I can eat my dessert without having to share it with them. I feel it is my right since I have not been allowed to go to the bathroom by myself in over 9 years.

I am clearly not Mommy enough. But at least I am in great company.

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Handflapper · 671 weeks ago

I never co-slept. My number one goal when I got my babies home from the hospital was to get them to sleep all night in their own beds. Thank god they were cooperative little buggers or I don't know what could have happened. But I bow to your mothering superiority in getting your kids to brush their teeth. I had to pin mine down and pry their damn mouths open.
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Andrea · 671 weeks ago

I woke up to the sound of the hubs snoring and his elbow was In the back of my head, so I don't even want to co-sleep with him...thereby making me an evil mother AND a crappy wife!
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Crack You Whip · 671 weeks ago

Love the Time cover. Thank you for sparing us the boob and the half-growed up child with one in his mouth.
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aliciadifabio 30p · 671 weeks ago

i am with you on the co-sleeping. we have a firm sleeping rule - no one in momma's bed unless they are on death's door. i have been dubbed the sleep nazi. Dude, we ALL feel the same way about this mommy-gig... trust me - you're not alone.

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JoAnn Ostrich · 671 weeks ago

Your kids sound delightful. I mean, a calendar obsession is just the right mix of crazy for me. AWESOME!
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blogginglily 73p · 671 weeks ago

ahhhh, detachment parenting! I've heard about this!
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aminta · 565 weeks ago

Really like this! When mt twin babies were 3months old I had a feet on each bassinet, they were prem, and rocked them to rest, LOL! I recommend furnishings at the front side of the entrance, I have a awesome clothing collection up for grabs!

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