Sometimes my kids make me so fucking crazy I want to toss them both out the window.
Child 1 is drinking water out of a flask right now.
Sometimes I sit here during the bedtime routine and I just shout orders at them without even looking at them. They ignore me. Child 2 apparently isn't capable of brushing his teeth in the bathroom, he needs to be doing a naked butt dance around the room at the same time. While tormenting the cat somehow. And then he wonders why she scratches him.
Sometimes I buy them chocolate when we're at the store but then I change my mind about giving it to them and lie to them that I didn't actually buy it so that I can eat it, myself, later after they're in bed.
Child 2 has the worst fucking potty mouth. Imagine that.
If I ever have to wipe another poopy butt I might just kill something. I don't care what, a bug would be fine. A spider, maybe.
Child 1 is currently in the midst of this calendar obsession and I'm telling you.... I DO NOT CARE when Cesar Chavez's birthday was and I don't have any desire WHATSOEVER to constantly discuss the issue. I also have no idea what the Mexican Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe is (December 12th), and I have absolutely no intention of looking it up.
I dream of being able to sleep at night without having a child next to me. I am the anti co-sleeper. I wish to actively eject my children from the family bed. I would lock them in their rooms if I wasn't so afraid of everybody dying in a fire during the night because they're stuck in their rooms with no way of escape.
We have no fire escapes.
Take that, Mommy Wars. What else you got?