Yeah. Good Times.: I drove over a duck today

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I drove over a duck today

THAT dude. Right there.

Okay. Before I get into the nuts and bolts of the alleged Anatidacide, let me first set the scene for you, because my state of mind is crucial to your understanding of this saga.

So, yeah; what a fun morning I had! Child 2 is so fucking cranky that all he'll say when you talk to him is "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Hubs and I just started fucking with him after a while; what else could we do? We're only human! Snarky, sarcastic, evil, horrible humans. I even had my laptop open and was waiting for some good quotes but he was too cranky to be funny. I swear, that kid can really be a fucking asshole sometimes. One of these days I'm just going to snap and call him a fucking asshole. I really hope he doesn't hear me when that happens.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Good times.

I drop the kids off at school, and it's raining, which means we assemble in the cafeteria/auditorium and not on the yard and it makes for general chaos. Child 1 didn't want me to wait with him, he just wanted to stand there in the chaos and stare at the clock. I made sure there was at least another kid in his class standing with him but he shuttled me away and I was worried that he wouldn't find his way. I'm sure he was fine. I worry too much. I know this. Anyway.... I drive off to work with these events in my head.

I have 3 different clients who have offices in or around the same area of Oakland, but not exactly in the same place. I always start out in the same direction but I have to make different turns at different places. Well, this morning I guess I wasn't paying attention. I'm thinking about the kids and I'm thinking about the blog and I'm thinking about my client and I make a wrong turn and I started going towards the wrong client's office. As soon as I figured it out, I made my first right turn so that I could circle back in the other direction. The road I chose, though, went right through this big lake that's in the middle of Oakland; and where there are lakes.... there are ducks.... apparently.

I now find myself driving through this curvy road, going totally in the wrong direction, trying to figure out where I even am and how the hell I'm going to get back to where I'm supposed to be; now I'm worried because I'm going to be late, and I suddenly find my path is constantly being blocked by ducks.

Awww, look at the cute ducks! I'll just slow down and wait for them to cross.

Christ there sure are a lot of ducks around here.

Seriously with the ducks everywhere?

Get the fuck out of my way you asshole ducks, I'm going to be late!!!

OH MY GOD I HAD NO IDEA DUCKS WERE SO ANNOYING.

I keep having to stop and wait for the little line of ducks to walk by, because even though I kind of want to just plow through them, that would be wrong and sociopathic and I'm not really that late at this point, so I slow down and wait. A number of times.

Finally it seems the last line of ducks has gone by and I swerve around the last of them and fucking floor it because I'm impatient. And it was right then that I see him. One lone little brown duck, about half the size of the others, directly in front of my car. And then.... directly underneath my car.

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK I JUST KILLED A FUCKING DUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK

I didn't want to stop right on top of him, so I kept going, knowing he was right underneath my car and probably my tire. There's a little "clank clink" feel to my car as I go over (OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK) and then I get to what I assume is the other side and I stop, panicking. My hand is over my mouth in shock and I look in my rearview mirror for duck splatter..... and what do I see?

Yeah, I see that little fucking duck shaking himself off and then running back toward the water, totally unscathed. I just went right over the little shit! Good thing he's so little and my car is so big.

I think I speak for all ducks, everywhere, when I say: