Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day.... snark?
This is a modified version of the post I wrote on this day last year. I figure if I've already written the rant, why try to improve on adequacy?
If you read my post about Christmas, it should come as no surprise to you that I also hate Valentine's Day. The reasons for hating both are essentially the same: forced gift giving on manufactured holidays, but at least Christmas has a somewhat legitimate purpose, or it's supposed to. Valentine's Day serves absolutely no purpose. Valentine's Day is a special kind of evil. Allow me to elaborate....
Pretty much everybody is impacted by V-Day in some way (I'm limiting this to America, since that's where all of my experience is); it's not like you can say that you're a different religion and don't celebrate. However, there are very few "winners" in the scheme known as Valentine's Day. In fact, pretty much everybody loses today. (I'm not calling anybody a "loser" in the pejorative sense, I mean that this day is like a game; a game that very few people can win.)
Let's start with the actual "winners," and I don't mean See's Candies and 1-800-FLOWERS, who are the true winners on this day. I mean the people who are romantics, who are in a happy relationship, perhaps one that hasn't been going on for very long. The woman will have expectations about how this day will be: grand, romantic gestures, flowers, candy, some kind of surprise, perhaps a marriage proposal? And it is the man's responsibility to carry out these grand romantic gestures. If all goes well and both parties perform as expected: they are winners! (This scenario, of course, isn't limited to a heterosexual relationship, but since this day has so much to do with gender stereotypes I'm going to rely on them to prove my various points.) But how often does this scenario actually happen? I could probably make up some statistic here, but what the fuck do I know, really? Probably pretty rarely. So... the winners on this day are rare, although some would argue that any man who ends up with a blow job at the end of the day is an automatic winner, and I'm not sure I can disagree with that, actually. Anyway, let's get to the losers....
Hey, single people! Were you feeling bad about being single? Were you wishing you had somebody to share your life with, not just today, but every other day? Well too fucking bad, single people; nobody cares about how you're feeling about yourself, in fact we've created an entire day which will do nothing but make you feel even worse about yourself. And it's not like you can escape it, since this shit is everywhere. So let's just rub your fucking noses in the fact that you're alone, and look at my scenario above: this is how happy you could be on this day, but no. Not you guys. Awwww. Too bad, single people.
Hey, men in relationships! Did you see my scenario above? The one with the winners? I hope you're fully versed on the expectations of your partner, because the onus is on you guys to make this day special and magical and perfect and crap. She might not have necessarily informed you of your responsibilities here, because much of what makes this day "special" (for the winners, anyway) is supposed to be a surprise, and it's your job to figure it out. Hope it's good enough! Or expensive enough! Or surprising enough! Or just better than last year, whateverthefuck it was that you did last year. Kind of makes those single guys happy to be single, I would think, but yeah, sorry guys. Society has determined that it is your responsibility to perform here, and if you don't come through there's a really good chance that she'll be talking shit about you to her girlfriends tomorrow.
Hey, women in relationships! We're the reason this day exists, it was created for us so that we could feel more secure in our relationships. But... guess what? If you require one particular day where everything is supposed to go perfectly in order to feel secure in your relationship.... you're doing it wrong. So ease up on your men, girls. Maybe you should buy the flowers and the candy this year. Or, better, yet.....
If you read my post about Christmas, it should come as no surprise to you that I also hate Valentine's Day. The reasons for hating both are essentially the same: forced gift giving on manufactured holidays, but at least Christmas has a somewhat legitimate purpose, or it's supposed to. Valentine's Day serves absolutely no purpose. Valentine's Day is a special kind of evil. Allow me to elaborate....
Pretty much everybody is impacted by V-Day in some way (I'm limiting this to America, since that's where all of my experience is); it's not like you can say that you're a different religion and don't celebrate. However, there are very few "winners" in the scheme known as Valentine's Day. In fact, pretty much everybody loses today. (I'm not calling anybody a "loser" in the pejorative sense, I mean that this day is like a game; a game that very few people can win.)
Let's start with the actual "winners," and I don't mean See's Candies and 1-800-FLOWERS, who are the true winners on this day. I mean the people who are romantics, who are in a happy relationship, perhaps one that hasn't been going on for very long. The woman will have expectations about how this day will be: grand, romantic gestures, flowers, candy, some kind of surprise, perhaps a marriage proposal? And it is the man's responsibility to carry out these grand romantic gestures. If all goes well and both parties perform as expected: they are winners! (This scenario, of course, isn't limited to a heterosexual relationship, but since this day has so much to do with gender stereotypes I'm going to rely on them to prove my various points.) But how often does this scenario actually happen? I could probably make up some statistic here, but what the fuck do I know, really? Probably pretty rarely. So... the winners on this day are rare, although some would argue that any man who ends up with a blow job at the end of the day is an automatic winner, and I'm not sure I can disagree with that, actually. Anyway, let's get to the losers....
Hey, single people! Were you feeling bad about being single? Were you wishing you had somebody to share your life with, not just today, but every other day? Well too fucking bad, single people; nobody cares about how you're feeling about yourself, in fact we've created an entire day which will do nothing but make you feel even worse about yourself. And it's not like you can escape it, since this shit is everywhere. So let's just rub your fucking noses in the fact that you're alone, and look at my scenario above: this is how happy you could be on this day, but no. Not you guys. Awwww. Too bad, single people.
Hey, men in relationships! Did you see my scenario above? The one with the winners? I hope you're fully versed on the expectations of your partner, because the onus is on you guys to make this day special and magical and perfect and crap. She might not have necessarily informed you of your responsibilities here, because much of what makes this day "special" (for the winners, anyway) is supposed to be a surprise, and it's your job to figure it out. Hope it's good enough! Or expensive enough! Or surprising enough! Or just better than last year, whateverthefuck it was that you did last year. Kind of makes those single guys happy to be single, I would think, but yeah, sorry guys. Society has determined that it is your responsibility to perform here, and if you don't come through there's a really good chance that she'll be talking shit about you to her girlfriends tomorrow.
Hey, women in relationships! We're the reason this day exists, it was created for us so that we could feel more secure in our relationships. But... guess what? If you require one particular day where everything is supposed to go perfectly in order to feel secure in your relationship.... you're doing it wrong. So ease up on your men, girls. Maybe you should buy the flowers and the candy this year. Or, better, yet.....
Sunday, February 12, 2012
"All Kids Do That" Part 9: Puberty
See the tab above for more information about this series.
If you're interested in contributing to this, I still have some topics that need to be written about so let me know! jillsmo at gmail.com
Today's contributor is my buddy Rhonda, who blogs at Going Insane, Wanna Come?
There's so many different things you can write about when it comes to puberty. I've come to a dead end I think. My daughter (NT, 14) and I talked a lot about this over the past week. Tommy loves to play on the PS3. He likes to mimic his dad (though Dad plays xbox 360) He likes to use the headset and yell and interact with people online while playing. He had been using a blue-tooth device similar to the one his dad uses on the xbox, but I would only allow 5 minutes of headset time because, you can HEAR that Tommy is special needs and I didn't want him to hear people making fun of him. While he was on the headset, I couldn't hear anything but I did figure out, with the help of my daughter, that he WAS being made fun of. We suspect people were calling him Timmy (from South Park.. Tommy would say "no!! I Tommy!! from OHIO!")
At Christmas time he wanted these Sony ps3 wireles headset. $100 bucks. Fuck that. Little did I know, these would be the greatest thing i've ever purchased in a long time.
This is where his Autism comes into play.
He doesn't know how to hold conversations. If you're having a one on one conversation with him, he'll answer any of your questions, and ask if he has any. But it's never back and forth with any sort of inside information. So add to this that, while he's on this headset, lots of other people are talking and he doesn't know how to insert himself so he'll do a lot of LAUGHING while irritating people online (shooting THEM instead of the target, or crashing his cars into theirs when they're supposed to be racing) Or, he'll do this mumble jumble talking. Tonight it was "yabbada gabbada magabaga hahahaha" with tons of laughing.
So why is this headset so wonderful?! I can mute the mic and he has no idea. Here you can see that all he likes to do is play for the social component. This is Mod Nation Racers. You play it like Mario Kart. But there is this lobby. ALL he wants to do is stay on the center of the spinning circle of course. It people crash into him or try to share the top with him, he gets all worked up and pushes them off. Thankfully they can't hear him screaming and yelling (mostly of excitement because he thinks its funny to crash).
But, he's SEEKING this social component. WE HAVE ALL tried to work with him on guiding him through convo's online. First you have to have a willing participant. We set that up and he just lacks the interest. He lacks the cognitive ability to go back and forth. He just wants to laugh and have fun crashing with people.
We've thought about having the Autism talk with him. To, try and help him understand that people get upset with him online, or will make fun of him online, if he doesn't behave appropriately. But, he's really not behaving INAPPROPRIATELY.. he's not causing harm per-say to anyone's vehicles.. he just bangs into them lol The point is. Do I want to break that naivety in him? Do I want to MAKE him aware that he's different and the world sucks? I don't really think he'll be able to UNDERSTAND the concept of that even.
My daughter and I had a talk over the weekend while he was playing his game. "i wonder if he knows HE'S different, or does he think WE'RE all different?" "Or, does he think we're just all the same.. he's who he is, and we're who we are??"
I'm not really sure what to do about this. He's 17. I try to "socialize him" (in terms of different types of social groups we've attended) as a typical 17 year old. But, he's unable to do so.
This is the hardest part of this stage of OUR puberty. He's approaching being 18. He's expected to act as an adult. He plays adult video games (per the rating system which he follows to a T!- that's another story) But the one part he really wants to do... he lacks the ability completely.
Part of me wishes he was still into the cartoons and characters and such. That's where all of the NICE fun naive kids are that just want to be happy.
We're stuck with the asshole teens and adults that think its funny to make fun of people online.
For now.. we'll just mute the mic. Until he figures out that nobody can hear him. Then, I'm screwed.
If you're interested in contributing to this, I still have some topics that need to be written about so let me know! jillsmo at gmail.com
Today's contributor is my buddy Rhonda, who blogs at Going Insane, Wanna Come?
There's so many different things you can write about when it comes to puberty. I've come to a dead end I think. My daughter (NT, 14) and I talked a lot about this over the past week. Tommy loves to play on the PS3. He likes to mimic his dad (though Dad plays xbox 360) He likes to use the headset and yell and interact with people online while playing. He had been using a blue-tooth device similar to the one his dad uses on the xbox, but I would only allow 5 minutes of headset time because, you can HEAR that Tommy is special needs and I didn't want him to hear people making fun of him. While he was on the headset, I couldn't hear anything but I did figure out, with the help of my daughter, that he WAS being made fun of. We suspect people were calling him Timmy (from South Park.. Tommy would say "no!! I Tommy!! from OHIO!")
At Christmas time he wanted these Sony ps3 wireles headset. $100 bucks. Fuck that. Little did I know, these would be the greatest thing i've ever purchased in a long time.
This is where his Autism comes into play.
He doesn't know how to hold conversations. If you're having a one on one conversation with him, he'll answer any of your questions, and ask if he has any. But it's never back and forth with any sort of inside information. So add to this that, while he's on this headset, lots of other people are talking and he doesn't know how to insert himself so he'll do a lot of LAUGHING while irritating people online (shooting THEM instead of the target, or crashing his cars into theirs when they're supposed to be racing) Or, he'll do this mumble jumble talking. Tonight it was "yabbada gabbada magabaga hahahaha" with tons of laughing.
So why is this headset so wonderful?! I can mute the mic and he has no idea. Here you can see that all he likes to do is play for the social component. This is Mod Nation Racers. You play it like Mario Kart. But there is this lobby. ALL he wants to do is stay on the center of the spinning circle of course. It people crash into him or try to share the top with him, he gets all worked up and pushes them off. Thankfully they can't hear him screaming and yelling (mostly of excitement because he thinks its funny to crash).
But, he's SEEKING this social component. WE HAVE ALL tried to work with him on guiding him through convo's online. First you have to have a willing participant. We set that up and he just lacks the interest. He lacks the cognitive ability to go back and forth. He just wants to laugh and have fun crashing with people.
We've thought about having the Autism talk with him. To, try and help him understand that people get upset with him online, or will make fun of him online, if he doesn't behave appropriately. But, he's really not behaving INAPPROPRIATELY.. he's not causing harm per-say to anyone's vehicles.. he just bangs into them lol The point is. Do I want to break that naivety in him? Do I want to MAKE him aware that he's different and the world sucks? I don't really think he'll be able to UNDERSTAND the concept of that even.
My daughter and I had a talk over the weekend while he was playing his game. "i wonder if he knows HE'S different, or does he think WE'RE all different?" "Or, does he think we're just all the same.. he's who he is, and we're who we are??"
I'm not really sure what to do about this. He's 17. I try to "socialize him" (in terms of different types of social groups we've attended) as a typical 17 year old. But, he's unable to do so.
This is the hardest part of this stage of OUR puberty. He's approaching being 18. He's expected to act as an adult. He plays adult video games (per the rating system which he follows to a T!- that's another story) But the one part he really wants to do... he lacks the ability completely.
Part of me wishes he was still into the cartoons and characters and such. That's where all of the NICE fun naive kids are that just want to be happy.
We're stuck with the asshole teens and adults that think its funny to make fun of people online.
For now.. we'll just mute the mic. Until he figures out that nobody can hear him. Then, I'm screwed.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Whitney Houston R.I.P.
Goddammit. I don't know how she died or what the circumstances were, I don't read tabloids or care about gossip, but goddammit!!!!!!! She was only 48, and one of the greatest singers who ever fucking lived.
People always used to make fun of this song, but I remember being in college and watching this video and being fucking completely blown away at the way her jaw would shake with the rhythm of her vibrato and just wishing that I had that kind of talent, even if just for a second of my life.
Not fair, man. Fuck.
People always used to make fun of this song, but I remember being in college and watching this video and being fucking completely blown away at the way her jaw would shake with the rhythm of her vibrato and just wishing that I had that kind of talent, even if just for a second of my life.
Not fair, man. Fuck.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A giveaway: with SNARK!
So, my bloggy, twitter pal Jeni, who you can find at Closet Space Musings, is the author of TWO books: I Wish I Were Engulfed in Flames and Waiting for Karl Rove. And last week or so she said that her publisher wanted to know if she knew of any bloggers who were interested in doing a giveaway of her new book, ... and she asked me! Um. I don't know why, either.
Anyway, here's the deal: You leave a comment and tell me that you want this book. Then I will somehow randomly pick one person to be a winner. Said winner will give me their address, which I will send to Jeni's publisher who will send out the actual book. Good? Good. In exchange for this service I have received one copy of her Flames book and two copies of her Karl Rove book. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to mention that or not, since I've never done this before, but I thought it was important in the interest of transparency. And snark. Since I have two copies of the Karl Rove book, let me know if you're interested in that one and I might just send it to you.... if you're extra nice to me..... YOU know what I mean.....
So, is this how real giveaways are supposed to work? I feel like I should have installed something. I hope I haven't failed Mommy Blogging 101...... Actually, whatever. Maybe I DID fail Mommy Blogging 101, what do you think about THAT, huh? Oh, sorry... This post isn't supposed to be about me... OH MY GOD DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING BOOK OR NOT??????????
Please note: I've never actually done a giveaway for a book that I wasn't in and I won't be making it a habit, so if you want to send me an email right now asking me to review something, or for a "sponsored placement," or some such shit, the answer is no. I'm not here to whore for a brand or a website that I don't read, but I am more than willing to whore for my bloggy sister friends. So.... if I know you? Feel free to email me! And I don't even need to know you that well, really. But if you're just some random chick looking to ply your wares on my blog? Please go away. And I mean that in the nicest way. As far as you know.
EDIT: I forgot to make promises on Jeni's behalf, which I totally intended to do, so if you leave your twitter handle or your facebook page, Jeni will TOTALLY follow and/or "like" you. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Anyway, here's the deal: You leave a comment and tell me that you want this book. Then I will somehow randomly pick one person to be a winner. Said winner will give me their address, which I will send to Jeni's publisher who will send out the actual book. Good? Good. In exchange for this service I have received one copy of her Flames book and two copies of her Karl Rove book. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to mention that or not, since I've never done this before, but I thought it was important in the interest of transparency. And snark. Since I have two copies of the Karl Rove book, let me know if you're interested in that one and I might just send it to you.... if you're extra nice to me..... YOU know what I mean.....
So, is this how real giveaways are supposed to work? I feel like I should have installed something. I hope I haven't failed Mommy Blogging 101...... Actually, whatever. Maybe I DID fail Mommy Blogging 101, what do you think about THAT, huh? Oh, sorry... This post isn't supposed to be about me... OH MY GOD DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING BOOK OR NOT??????????
Please note: I've never actually done a giveaway for a book that I wasn't in and I won't be making it a habit, so if you want to send me an email right now asking me to review something, or for a "sponsored placement," or some such shit, the answer is no. I'm not here to whore for a brand or a website that I don't read, but I am more than willing to whore for my bloggy sister friends. So.... if I know you? Feel free to email me! And I don't even need to know you that well, really. But if you're just some random chick looking to ply your wares on my blog? Please go away. And I mean that in the nicest way. As far as you know.
EDIT: I forgot to make promises on Jeni's behalf, which I totally intended to do, so if you leave your twitter handle or your facebook page, Jeni will TOTALLY follow and/or "like" you. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Snark, saying thank you, and the color blue
I’m at the park right now writing this. It’s fucking February and I’m in the park with shorts and a t-shirt and no shoes. I know, you Canadians want to tell me to fuck off right now for actually complaining about that, but this shit is lame! Where the hell is our winter this year?? I WANT WINTER, DAMMIT.
Anyway… so you know how we autie parents spend so much time complaining about all the people in our lives who just don’t “get it?” Well, I thought I’d take a moment to show some appreciation for some people who do get it. It will be a nice change of pace, don’t you think??
Today we have an IEP meeting. I’m not expecting anything unusual, it’s our annual and we’ve already had an emergency meeting this year to discuss “the incident,” so nothing today is going to be very earth shattering, with the possible exception of me saying “I’d like to opt him out of The Test,” and the SPED representative giving me the same line of horseshit that she gives me every year about how "he’s going to be taking tests his whole life so he might as well start getting used to it now!" Because my kick ass advocate will be there, and she’s going to say “SHUT THE FUCK UP, TINY DISTRICT WOMAN” (she’s kind of a “force,” my kick ass advocate. I’m pretty sure her business cards actually say “Kick Ass Advocate,” instead of just the usual “Advocate.”) Anyway, according to the chart up there, we are in our usual state of Blue: even if things will go smoothly, there’s always a little bit of misinformation and guile to be expected. You know, like “he’s going to be taking tests his whole life so he should practice for them now and the reason we don't want you to opt him out has everything to do with his future test taking abilities and nothing to do with our participation percentages or anything like that no I swear that’s really really the reason.”
Anyway, back to appreciating people. My awesome tutor will be coming with me to this meeting, which means I don’t have my usual afternoon babysitter, so I’ve asked my friend Cathryn to watch the kids (I’m using her real name because she has no online persona and therefore no secret identity to protect). But Child 1 doesn’t like having to go places, in general, really, but in particular if I’m not there, so Cathryn is coming over to my house, with her two kids, and she’s watching all four of them for however many hours this is going to take. Isn’t that just the coolest thing?? I’m so happy that I have a friend who understands and is cool about weird autism things. Her kids aren’t autistic, she’s just one of those incredibly cool people who “get it.”
And so, I would like to dedicate this post not only to snark but to my friend Cathryn, who “gets” it. She probably won’t read this unless I tell her to, and MAN will she be embarrassed when she does. HA HA HA HA HA!! I think I’ll just leave the screen open on my laptop when I leave for the meeting and have her stumble across it accidentally…… SURPRISE!!!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
3 circle story maps will be the death of me. And snark.
Note: In an ongoing quest to get klout in snark, I will now be putting the word "snark" in every post title until my dream becomes a reality. And maybe even longer than that. Your twitter RTs are appreciated, but only for that reason.....
The 3 Circle Story Map is a tool of pure evil used to help 1st graders "deconstruct" the plots of the stories they read.
It involves reading a story and then breaking it down into 3 parts, which you write in the three circles. On the map.
The 3 Circle Story Map tears families apart. It makes women and children cry. It makes beloved pets run away from home out of pure fear. The devil uses 3 Circle Story Maps to teach the condemned how to deconstruct the plot of Hell Staff Meetings.
Here, I've made one for you, in order to deconstruct the plot of this post:
Here's another one which deconstructs the events of yesterday afternoon:
Incidentally, here's how I've deconstructed the plot of yesterday's Man vs. Wild. (I'm almost positive I'm doing this right):
The 3 Circle Story Map is a tool of pure evil used to help 1st graders "deconstruct" the plots of the stories they read.
It involves reading a story and then breaking it down into 3 parts, which you write in the three circles. On the map.
The 3 Circle Story Map tears families apart. It makes women and children cry. It makes beloved pets run away from home out of pure fear. The devil uses 3 Circle Story Maps to teach the condemned how to deconstruct the plot of Hell Staff Meetings.
Here, I've made one for you, in order to deconstruct the plot of this post:
Here's another one which deconstructs the events of yesterday afternoon:
Incidentally, here's how I've deconstructed the plot of yesterday's Man vs. Wild. (I'm almost positive I'm doing this right):
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I am gonna stand my ground
Hey Henry, can you hear me?
Let me see those eyes.
This distance between us,
can seem a mountain size.
- Rise to Me, The Decemberists
I've started and stopped this post at least 5 times in the last few weeks. Some days I have it all written out in my head, but when I get to the computer I can't get any of it out. And some days I just sit here and listen to that song over and over again and feel sorry for myself. No matter what, I know it's not going to come how exactly how I mean and I'll probably have to explain myself with multiple edits...
Child 1 has never had a major regression and he's always been very affectionate and loving/able, but lately it's like he wants nothing to do with me. The only thing he ever says to me is "I'm hungry" and "Can we go now?" and "Good," when I ask how he is or his day was. Otherwise, it's like he's not even here. I don't know if this is him getting older, or some type of regression, or just part of the ebb and flow of parenting, but it feels different than it ever has before. Like I'm losing him; like I've lost him. But there's nothing I can do except let it happen because my struggle to get him to come closer will only push him farther away and I just have to ride it out and hope there's something on the other side of this.
Child 1 has never had a major regression and he's always been very affectionate and loving/able, but lately it's like he wants nothing to do with me. The only thing he ever says to me is "I'm hungry" and "Can we go now?" and "Good," when I ask how he is or his day was. Otherwise, it's like he's not even here. I don't know if this is him getting older, or some type of regression, or just part of the ebb and flow of parenting, but it feels different than it ever has before. Like I'm losing him; like I've lost him. But there's nothing I can do except let it happen because my struggle to get him to come closer will only push him farther away and I just have to ride it out and hope there's something on the other side of this.
"All Kids Do That" Part 8: Behaviors
See the tab above for more information about this series.
Today's contributor is Linda, who blogs at Outrunning the Storm.
I lost a close friendship after my four year old son, Charlie, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Our children had been in the same preschool class together until mine was asked to leave due to growing behavioral problems.
When after nearly a year of struggle we finally received his diagnosis, I shared it with my friend.
Asperger's, I said. At the time, this new word was still bitter in my mouth and every time I heard myself say it out loud, it felt like a punch to my chest, it took my air for a second or two.
But why, she responded, I don't see it.
I wasn't ready yet. I had no words. I stumbled through a string of reasons I did not yet fully understand myself. He has trouble transitioning, he doesn't get social cues, he can't see other people's perspectives.....
That sounds like every four year old I know, she responded, maybe my daughter has Asperger's too.
Yeah, they are all like that, but, it's just that he's ...well....more....
It sounded weak because that's how I felt. Weak and alone and afraid and I needed so much from her in that moment. I just didn't know what yet. So I let our friendship drift apart.
She was right though, the hitting, shoving, and biting other kids, that my three year old was doing at preschool, was in many ways typical behavior for that age. Though he did it much more often than any of the other kids, that was not the entire story of why it is not the same.
Here is the difference. All children will act out in some way as they learn about the world. But, a typically developing child will see the reactions that other kids, teachers, or parents have to these behaviors and learn connections of cause and effect. This doesn't mean they will never do them again, but they are learning to trust their instincts about people and how they can be expected to behave. But, autism, for my son, means he does not see these reactions so he does not learn from this relationship of social cause and effect. To him people's angry reactions and subsequent punishments come completely out of the blue and end up giving him all the more reason to think he needs to fight to defend himself from a confusing and unpredictable world.
There are several reasons why he doesn't see these reactions. He does not recognize facial expressions. So the parental 'look' we are all so used to doing, means nothing to him, he simply doesn't see it. He can not hear the emotional tone in voices, so while a sweet, gentle voice is a preferable sound to him, it implies no different meaning than does an angry, stern tone. Finally, he does not understand that the way he views the world in any given moment is not the same as the way everyone around him sees it. So, if he thinks throwing a toy at someone is funny, then he has no reason to believe that child would see it any differently. By the way, this is called theory of mind, this understanding that everyone has their own unique thoughts and feeling, and some will say it means people with autism lack empathy. Please, please know this has nothing to do with empathy, that is a misconception that is so very hurtful to people on the spectrum and those of us who love them.
At one point, after I had read all the books and thought I understood, at least intellectually what everything I just explained meant, there was a moment with my son that finally brought me true clarity. I think it may have been the first time, in fact, I really saw him and understood what a struggle life must be for him.
We were at a park with his twin brother Tommy and Tommy's wild, raucous friend Kyle. Tommy and Kyle were running around, screaming, chasing each other, and laughing when Tommy began, through fits of giggles screaming, no. no, Kyle stop! He then happily continued to invite Kyle to try and catch him. At this moment, Charlie got up and grabbed Kyle by the shoulders, shoved him to the ground, and sat on his chest. I jumped up and quickly grabbed him off the boy.
What are you doing! I screamed.
Tommy told him to stop and he wouldn't.
I fell to my knees, I got it. That is all he saw. Not the laughter, not the obvious enjoyment in Tommy's voice. Just the words, that's all he had to go on. He was blind to the rest. Just imagine trying to navigate the social world on people's actual words alone.
I have since gotten back in touch with my lost friend. On our neighborhood walks, while the kids are in school, we once again talk about our mutual love of books and food and all the things that make me feel like a whole human being and not just a special needs mom.
But, then I make sure the topic turns to autism and all it means for our family. Because I know, my son will spend his life having to conform to fit in this world but, I have to believe that if I keep sharing his experiences with anyone who will listen then the world may learn to conform a little bit to fit him too.
Today's contributor is Linda, who blogs at Outrunning the Storm.
I lost a close friendship after my four year old son, Charlie, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Our children had been in the same preschool class together until mine was asked to leave due to growing behavioral problems.
When after nearly a year of struggle we finally received his diagnosis, I shared it with my friend.
Asperger's, I said. At the time, this new word was still bitter in my mouth and every time I heard myself say it out loud, it felt like a punch to my chest, it took my air for a second or two.
But why, she responded, I don't see it.
I wasn't ready yet. I had no words. I stumbled through a string of reasons I did not yet fully understand myself. He has trouble transitioning, he doesn't get social cues, he can't see other people's perspectives.....
That sounds like every four year old I know, she responded, maybe my daughter has Asperger's too.
Yeah, they are all like that, but, it's just that he's ...well....more....
It sounded weak because that's how I felt. Weak and alone and afraid and I needed so much from her in that moment. I just didn't know what yet. So I let our friendship drift apart.
She was right though, the hitting, shoving, and biting other kids, that my three year old was doing at preschool, was in many ways typical behavior for that age. Though he did it much more often than any of the other kids, that was not the entire story of why it is not the same.
Here is the difference. All children will act out in some way as they learn about the world. But, a typically developing child will see the reactions that other kids, teachers, or parents have to these behaviors and learn connections of cause and effect. This doesn't mean they will never do them again, but they are learning to trust their instincts about people and how they can be expected to behave. But, autism, for my son, means he does not see these reactions so he does not learn from this relationship of social cause and effect. To him people's angry reactions and subsequent punishments come completely out of the blue and end up giving him all the more reason to think he needs to fight to defend himself from a confusing and unpredictable world.
There are several reasons why he doesn't see these reactions. He does not recognize facial expressions. So the parental 'look' we are all so used to doing, means nothing to him, he simply doesn't see it. He can not hear the emotional tone in voices, so while a sweet, gentle voice is a preferable sound to him, it implies no different meaning than does an angry, stern tone. Finally, he does not understand that the way he views the world in any given moment is not the same as the way everyone around him sees it. So, if he thinks throwing a toy at someone is funny, then he has no reason to believe that child would see it any differently. By the way, this is called theory of mind, this understanding that everyone has their own unique thoughts and feeling, and some will say it means people with autism lack empathy. Please, please know this has nothing to do with empathy, that is a misconception that is so very hurtful to people on the spectrum and those of us who love them.
At one point, after I had read all the books and thought I understood, at least intellectually what everything I just explained meant, there was a moment with my son that finally brought me true clarity. I think it may have been the first time, in fact, I really saw him and understood what a struggle life must be for him.
We were at a park with his twin brother Tommy and Tommy's wild, raucous friend Kyle. Tommy and Kyle were running around, screaming, chasing each other, and laughing when Tommy began, through fits of giggles screaming, no. no, Kyle stop! He then happily continued to invite Kyle to try and catch him. At this moment, Charlie got up and grabbed Kyle by the shoulders, shoved him to the ground, and sat on his chest. I jumped up and quickly grabbed him off the boy.
What are you doing! I screamed.
Tommy told him to stop and he wouldn't.
I fell to my knees, I got it. That is all he saw. Not the laughter, not the obvious enjoyment in Tommy's voice. Just the words, that's all he had to go on. He was blind to the rest. Just imagine trying to navigate the social world on people's actual words alone.
I have since gotten back in touch with my lost friend. On our neighborhood walks, while the kids are in school, we once again talk about our mutual love of books and food and all the things that make me feel like a whole human being and not just a special needs mom.
But, then I make sure the topic turns to autism and all it means for our family. Because I know, my son will spend his life having to conform to fit in this world but, I have to believe that if I keep sharing his experiences with anyone who will listen then the world may learn to conform a little bit to fit him too.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The funniest thing I've seen all week
From my awesome pal Amber at Parenting. Illustrated with Crappy Pictures.
I don't think I need to explain... that eyeball is doing all the talking....
Also this:
Friday, February 3, 2012
I want @klout in snark #WWTFIFLF
Okay, first let me start off by explaining the weird hashtag in the title: My pervy (I don't judge) bloggy sister friend Lady Estrogen has created this fantastic, uh.... linky? I don't exactly know what it is, frankly.... And it's called Write Whatever The Fuck I Feel Like February. Here's how she describes it on her blog:
Why? Because it's wonderfully pointless... and it has a swearzie, so it's automatically awesome.RIGHT??? So.... even though I've already linked up with the post I wrote about my shit cookies, I'm going to link this one, too. And you should write some crap and link yourself up, also. Why? Because awesome. That's why. The linky thingy-ma-bob is at the bottom.
Okay! So.... now let's talk about Klout.
WAIT! Before I talk about Klout, you need to see this screenshot I took yesterday of my blog site stat page:
I am so goddamned proud of myself. I have arrived as a blogger, my friends.
Okay! So.... NOW let's talk about Klout. What the fuck is klout, you ask? Well, klout is a completely meaningless, totally stupid website that claims to measure your "social media influence" and gives you a pointless score based on some algorithm that nobody has any fucking clue about. They also will give you a list of "topics" that you are apparently "influential" in, and "people" are supposed to "come by" and "give" you "+Ks" in said "topics," thus increasing your meaningless score, based on that mystery algorithm that nobody can or will even try to explain.
With me so far???
So, I think it's kind of fun to go over there every once in a while and check on my score. As I write this, my score is 67.01. No, I have no idea what that means. No, I don't get anything for it. No, I don't know how that compares to people with any actual social media influence.
I have "influence" in a number of topics, which include Autism (makes sense), Blogging (also makes sense?), and Vodka (perfect sense). I ALSO, however, have "influence" in Homework and Baking and I used to have influence in fucking Beyonce, of all things, until I discovered that you could delete topics from your topic list. (yeah, sorry everybody who loved to give me klout in Beyonce.... You can't do that anymore, suckers!!)
So, I was lookin through my topic list when I discovered that I could add my own topic!! How exciting!! So, naturally, I tried to add one... and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED....
Snark is not a valid topic, klout? Well why the fuck not???? Is it because they're afraid that if they were to validate snark as a topic, I would dominate every other motherfucker who even tried to compete with me?
Yeah, no, that not only not the correct answer, that's actually kind of stupid..... but we need to fix this!
So... this officially starts my campaign to get klout to make snark a valid topic!!
Who's with me????
*crickets*
Somebody once told me that the way you get klout in stuff is to tweet links and have lots of people retweet them. I can't tell you who told me that, because for some reason I think it was supposed to be a secret, although I don't remember why that would be a secret at all, but you can totally trust this anonymous source, because she was at BlogHer. So, I guess let's re-tweet the shit out of this post, okay? What do you think?? This will be our social media experiment, and I, for one, am very excited about finding out the results.
I fucking swear to god, though, if I end up with klout in klout after all of this? I'm going to be really really mad.....
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The blue chair
There was no going back to the bassinet in the room.
This meant we were moving all of his accessories into his room and out of ours, and it also meant that I would need a chair for the middle of the night feedings. So, I went out to Ikea (of course) and bought the chair you see pictured. I picked this model because it had a removable cover that I could easily take off and wash. I've never once done that, in the 10 years we've had this chair. Yeah, I know: ew.
So, I sat in this chair during our middle of the night feedings, and then when our feedings stopped, I sat in this chair and hummed to him before I put him down. And I would sit in this chair and hold him when he would wake up during the night, and hubs would sit in the chair when he read to him through the bars of his crib.
Years went by and we needed the crib for Child 2, so we got Child 1 a real bed and moved the crib into the "baby's" room. But he didn't take well to the transition, and I was a pregnant monster and didn't feel like dealing with it, so every night one of us would have to lie down with him so he would go to sleep.
Child 2 was born and our bad bedtime habits with Child 1 continued; somebody was still having to lie down with him at night for him to go to sleep. I figured we'd better put a stop to that, post haste, so I read an article that said we should sit in a chair in his room, and then every night we should move the chair closer and closer to the door to get him used to the idea of him being alone in the room.
That didn't really work, though, because once we got to the point where the chair was in the hallway, he would get up and come looking for us... constantly. So, out of desperation, the chair was moved back into his room and the rule was made that unless he was sick or something really horrible was going on nobody would lie down with him, but somebody would "sit in the chair."
And so we did. One of us would sit in the chair every night until he fell asleep. This went on for years. I started to really despise that goddamn chair; I was a prisoner to it every single night. And god forbid you should get up and try to creep out of the room before he was completely asleep, because he would bolt right up like a goddamn.... thing... that bolts..... up.... and you'd have to sit back down and start the whole process all over again.
I'm serious: It was years of this. Until maybe last year some time, when I said "this is ridiculous. I HATE this chair!" and became determined to get him to be able to go to bed, in his own bed, without anybody else in the room.
I don't even know how long it took but it eventually worked. Oh, yes! Melatonin! HA HA! Melatonin saved the day, and ultimately he was going to bed by himself. The chair was pushed back to the spot where it sat when he was a baby, but it became a resting spot for books and laundry and nobody actually sat in it. Occasionally, at bedtime, he would wander out and ask if somebody would "please sit in the chair," but we had to say no, because that was the new rule.
A few months ago, he asked to have a desk in his room, so once again I went out to Ikea and got him something (related). With the new desk, though, there wasn't any room for the blue chair except right in front of his closet door. So, I asked him if we could take the chair out of his room. "But if the chair isn't in my room, then nobody will ever be able to sit in it," he said.
"Yeah, that's what that means," I said. He was already kind of struggling with the concept of "getting older," so I didn't want to push it. "How about we leave the chair where it is until your 10th birthday, and then we'll take it out of here?" He agreed, and so the chair sat in front of his closet door, holding laundry and books and markers and drawing of BART stations, while I waited for his birthday to come and go.
Yesterday I took the chair out of his room while he was at school. I wasn't sure how he was going to react when he came home and saw that it wasn't there. This chair was the symbol of his babyhood; a symbol of comfort and care and security and not being alone in his room when he was afraid to be, no matter what age. We had discussed it, and he knew it was coming, but still... you never know how it's actually going to go.
When we got home from school, the chair was sitting in the front room (because I have no idea what I'm going to do with it now. Apparently I didn't completely think this one through) and I pointed it out to him. "Look! There's your blue chair. What do you think?"
He wasn't necessarily happy but he also wasn't unhappy; I couldn't really tell. "But... I wanted something awesome," he said. I wasn't sure what he meant, but that was all the info he would give me, and he went off to his room. Once in there, he discovered the two packs of markers that I had bought at Target earlier in the day, and he came out with them, very excited. "Look!! Something awesome!!!" he exclaimed and ran back into his room.
And that was the end of the blue chair.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Take your test prep and shove it
To the Principal and administration of my son's school:
As you know, my autistic son is mainstreamed in 4th grade at your school. While he is quite verbal and sweet-natured, he has a number of issues that affect how he learns within a classroom. In particular, he has difficulty focusing on what the teacher is saying, despite having an aide most of the time.
I understand the necessity of homework in this case; to let him have extra practice on the material he works on during the day. However, it's been rather obvious to me that the quality of his homework has changed significantly since the start of 4th grade. I have noticed a good deal of emphasis being placed on preparing him for "The Test:" four page math quizzes, "Response to Literature" story matrices, a constant flow of fables to "deconstruct," etc.
As my son is autistic, his best method of learning is by rote, and for his "least restrictive environment," he needs repetition for the material to sink in. By making him spend so much time preparing for The Test, you're doing nothing but taking away from the time that could be spend learning his basic academic skills. Please note that I purposely did not write this letter to his teacher, as I fully understand that her hands are tied when it comes to this issue, and have no desire to take her to task over it. Making my son do test prep homework is about our school's AYP, and nothing more.
The point in him even going to school is so that he can learn, not so that he can pass a state test; right now he's in 4th grade and reads at a 1st grade level. He doesn't need to practice for the state 4th grade writing exam, he needs to be able to read and write. He doesn't need to fill in the numbers on a Coordinate Grid, he needs to know how to add and subtract. It doesn't matter how he scores on your test. It doesn't matter about whatever political or economical impact his score or participation may or may not have on your district budget. What matters is that he learns, and by distracting him from his learning with meaningless test prep, you are failing to do your job.
That said, I look forward to squaring off with you over the table at our next IEP meeting in February, because this will be all we talk about.
Sincerely,
jillsmo
Mom to Child 1, in 4th grade
As you know, my autistic son is mainstreamed in 4th grade at your school. While he is quite verbal and sweet-natured, he has a number of issues that affect how he learns within a classroom. In particular, he has difficulty focusing on what the teacher is saying, despite having an aide most of the time.
I understand the necessity of homework in this case; to let him have extra practice on the material he works on during the day. However, it's been rather obvious to me that the quality of his homework has changed significantly since the start of 4th grade. I have noticed a good deal of emphasis being placed on preparing him for "The Test:" four page math quizzes, "Response to Literature" story matrices, a constant flow of fables to "deconstruct," etc.
As my son is autistic, his best method of learning is by rote, and for his "least restrictive environment," he needs repetition for the material to sink in. By making him spend so much time preparing for The Test, you're doing nothing but taking away from the time that could be spend learning his basic academic skills. Please note that I purposely did not write this letter to his teacher, as I fully understand that her hands are tied when it comes to this issue, and have no desire to take her to task over it. Making my son do test prep homework is about our school's AYP, and nothing more.
The point in him even going to school is so that he can learn, not so that he can pass a state test; right now he's in 4th grade and reads at a 1st grade level. He doesn't need to practice for the state 4th grade writing exam, he needs to be able to read and write. He doesn't need to fill in the numbers on a Coordinate Grid, he needs to know how to add and subtract. It doesn't matter how he scores on your test. It doesn't matter about whatever political or economical impact his score or participation may or may not have on your district budget. What matters is that he learns, and by distracting him from his learning with meaningless test prep, you are failing to do your job.
That said, I look forward to squaring off with you over the table at our next IEP meeting in February, because this will be all we talk about.
Sincerely,
jillsmo
Mom to Child 1, in 4th grade
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Am I REALLY laughing out loud as much as I claim to be?
If you talk to me on Twitter, have you ever wondered if I'm actually laughing out loud when I say "LOL" ? Well, I've drawn up this handy guide for you to find out! (There's no way this can come back to bite me in the ass later, right? WHAT a good idea this is....)
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