Yeah. Good Times.: I am gonna stand my ground

xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: I am gonna stand my ground

Sunday, February 5, 2012

I am gonna stand my ground

Hey Henry, can you hear me?

Let me see those eyes.

This distance between us,

can seem a mountain size.

- Rise to Me, The Decemberists

I've started and stopped this post at least 5 times in the last few weeks. Some days I have it all written out in my head, but when I get to the computer I can't get any of it out. And some days I just sit here and listen to that song over and over again and feel sorry for myself. No matter what, I know it's not going to come how exactly how I mean and I'll probably have to explain myself with multiple edits...

Child 1 has never had a major regression and he's always been very affectionate and loving/able, but lately it's like he wants nothing to do with me. The only thing he ever says to me is "I'm hungry" and "Can we go now?" and "Good," when I ask how he is or his day was. Otherwise, it's like he's not even here. I don't know if this is him getting older, or some type of regression, or just part of the ebb and flow of parenting, but it feels different than it ever has before. Like I'm losing him; like I've lost him. But there's nothing I can do except let it happen because my struggle to get him to come closer will only push him farther away and I just have to ride it out and hope there's something on the other side of this.

Comments (33)

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

0 Vote up Vote down

Kim · 685 weeks ago

He's getting older. All I hear is "Log me in", "I'm hungry" and when I ask what he did at school, the response is "Stuff".

It's good that he's starting to show some independence...all kids must start to separate from their parents to make it in the real world.

Don't worry, he still needs you.
My recent post Eight is GREAT!

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

jillsmo 103p · 685 weeks ago

I know that all kids need to do that, but I also think that 10 is still too young. On the other hand I have no idea what I'm talking about. On the other hand, I don't actually know anything, since he can't tell me what he's thinking. When his brother does this, at least he'll be able to tell me "I fucking hate you, Mom!"

0 Vote up Vote down

Jenn@Fox in the City · 685 weeks ago

Ah sweetie, it sounds like it is the natural "he is getting older" stuff. Just keep being there, being the awesome mom that you are and he will come back to you . . . once he is done being all big kiddish. xxxxx
My recent post Today is the Day

0 Vote up Vote down

thegrasshoppa · 685 weeks ago

Waiting to get to the other side is always the scariest....and the space that grows the most love.
My recent post taming myths

0 Vote up Vote down

sherilinr · 685 weeks ago

they ooze in & out of needing us as they grow up. and during the non-needy times they tend to pretty much ignore us completely. part of me wants to be needed and part of me is pleased with how well i've raised her to not need me. it's a conundrum
My recent post self improvement in 2012

0 Vote up Vote down

Michelle McCulloch · 685 weeks ago

Wow, 10 is a tough age for everybody. I remember when Dawn went through it ( I believe that's when the sarcasm started). There were times when I thought I had lost her forever and then something would happen and she would need me again. Ebb and flow Jill, Ebb and flow.

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

jillsmo 103p · 685 weeks ago

Wait. Sarcasm? And Dawn? Are we talking about the same person?

0 Vote up Vote down

Lyndsey · 685 weeks ago

(((((Jill))))) This song kills me every time I hear it.

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

jillsmo 103p · 685 weeks ago

Me too. Major tears; every time. :(

0 Vote up Vote down

Claire · 685 weeks ago

Yup, it hurts to hear your child say, "I don't care." Or worse, "I don't care about you." But I close my eyes and tell myself he is only repeating what he is hearing from the other kids and doesn't really understand what he is saying. I let him talk and tell him it was an ugly thing to say because he hurt me, then i walk away. I shows signs of understanding hurt. He cannot be ignored. And yes, he comes back...every time. Your son will, too.
My recent post Boundaries

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

Claire · 685 weeks ago

Oops, *He shows... hang in there.
My recent post Boundaries

+1 Vote up Vote down

Cactusinyrpants 59p · 685 weeks ago

This will eventually pass. Boys love their mommy.

2 replies · active 685 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

jillsmo 103p · 685 weeks ago

But how do I know that? He's not a typical boy.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Cactusinyrpants 59p · 685 weeks ago

You know autistic adults. I will guess they are not distant from their mothers, but have been in the past.
My kid isn't typical either for different reasons, and there were a couple years there, when he hated me.
I decided that he was lost to me, and there was nothing I could do. I was wrong, and now we are better for it kinda'.
When he comes back, he will come back extra, in new ways you hadn't thought of. You'll see. Have patience. I know how hard this is.

0 Vote up Vote down

Jane · 685 weeks ago

Sounds like a preteen to me. All of mine are somewhere on the spectrum and they still went through it and came out the other side. Where did you go? nowhere. What did you do? nothing. is a joke rooted in reality.

0 Vote up Vote down

Alisa Cooney · 685 weeks ago

Sounds like my ASD kids. I lost my hugs and affection from my oldest when he was 6y when he realized hugs and affection did not equal getting access to his obsession. To this day I he rarely hugs me of give any sort of affection unless it obsession related, he now 16y. My 14y ASD daughter is almost the same but she has her affection moments that dont seem related to her obsession but they are cued by someone else s strong show of affection. My youngest only shows me affection while I'm laying in bed he hates touching with hands so he just lays on me and if I hug him back too much he pulls away fully I have to be sure he wants me to hug him back and how he wants the hug. It's hard to deal with 4 kids and 3 of whom have limited to no affection. Try not to view it as a bad thing from his perspective if it is a regression and he's withdrawing from affection you may be able to find out what caused it some time with ASD kids when the social expectations get too much they shut down in other areas. and if you can help them in the area they are struggling with that has caused them shut down they often come back out of the shell. I could not handle loosing my youngest to school social expectation's he withdrew big time and I pulled him from school no hesitations and home schooled him I refuse to put him back in full time school till he ready and can cope with out withdrawing to the extreme like he did. He starting one day a week this term. Take it slow dont press him too much and know he does love you.

+1 Vote up Vote down

aspieside 42p · 685 weeks ago

(hugs) I remember when my son started this. It is so sad. I used to be so close to him but he has moments were he needs me, even asks for hugs. I have noticed at 14 that the moments where he needs me or tolerates me are getting more frequent. Or maybe I am so used to the distance it just seems that way! The other day he went to the movies with us. He even asked to go! To hear hubs and I talk you would have thought he invented something or gave us a million dollars we were so pleased!! Like Alisa I have noticed he is coming out of shell more now that we are doing online school at home. I think after having to socialize all day they don't have the energy to interact with us anymore.
I understand your concern though. I will say this though (and I am sure you have) still always good to explore and other possible cause. You are the mom & you said it felt different. One time we tried to change his one med and he became even more distant. Changed back right away but to me it felt different. Hubs said I was imagining things until I took him off the med and he became his usual distant teenage, aspie self. (hugs) is hard journey
My recent post Twice Exceptional = Twice Screwed

0 Vote up Vote down

Snowdropbooks · 685 weeks ago

Provide a tick chart for your kids to give concrete parental feedback. Questions like- mum provided good food today, mum took me to places I wanted to go, mum let me have time to think about my stuff, mum looked happy and I liked it etc

+1 Vote up Vote down

pugariffic 41p · 685 weeks ago

its too early to read all of those comments so if I repeat whats already written then.. well, too bad.. lol

Does he change his favorite people? LOL I mean seriously. Tommy always has. I mean, when shit hits the fan, im the one he comes to but on a day to day basis.. his favorite person changes.. sometimes weekly, monthly.. he went a year completely ignoring his father and refusing to stay home alone with him.

Right now i'm the chopped liver. I'm ok for when Dad's not home.. but as soon as he gets home.. it becomes MOM WHO?!! This is has been always. Started when he was about... 3 or 4 lol Personally, I take is VERY VERY VERY personally. It hurts my feelings. I've had many doctors (yes I took it that far) say that "with his autism, maybe he's just having problems BALANCING relationships". Which, makes sense. He doesn't know how to give a little to everyone.

I know your situation is a bit different because some funky things have happened in school in the past so Im sure you're keeping your eyes on that. But, maybe its a balancing thing. <3

(hugs)
My recent post Epic RANT

+1 Vote up Vote down

blogginglily 48p · 685 weeks ago

Probably it's easier with daughters. . . daughters are allowed to continue to show their emotions where boys get pressured from peers to become more aloof and less emotional, but I've even noticed Emma at nine, pulling away a bit. Playing things a little closer to the vest. One word answers if she can get away with it, etc.

Sucks.
My recent post You Gotta Give Her Credit

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

Dani G · 685 weeks ago

Really? fuck that! Our daughters are gonna get all hormonal one day and (gasp!) get their periods. Fuck!!
My recent post SGK vs PP

0 Vote up Vote down

Jim Reeve · 685 weeks ago

This can be tough for a parent. Your son could just be looking for independence, and eventually he'll become affectionate again. If I don't let my son have cookies for dinner, he'll say that he hates me, but I don't take it to heart. He probably just heard it in a movie. Usually he'll come and hug me which I'm sure your son will do too.
My recent post HANDWRITING WITH ASPERGERS

0 Vote up Vote down

Lizbeth · 685 weeks ago

Awww Jill, I don't know. I'm thinking maybe a combination of things. Growing up, maybe stress and just figuring things out. I see backwards steps when Alex is stressed and he just shuts down. He knows what's wrong in his head but he cant get the words to tell me. Then I make matters worse asking 20 questions. And the sucky thing is, I know I should be backing off him but I'm not quite able to. Sigh. Hang in there lady, hang in there.
My recent post My week off and what I did. And didn't do.

0 Vote up Vote down

Suniverse · 685 weeks ago

That, the letting go, is the shittiest part of parenting. Thinking good thoughts for you.

0 Vote up Vote down

Sarah · 685 weeks ago

From my experiences, 10 is the age when boys start to pull away. He may not be able to tell you everything he's feeling, but my guess is that it is the normal stage all boys go through.

That being said, it still hurts the mother-heart. Sometimes I just want to reach out and hug the brooding teen so bad I physically ache. There'll be none of that behavior with my oldest for a few more years, at least!
My recent post The University- Penny Pinching

0 Vote up Vote down

tulpen · 685 weeks ago

Gah. Thanks for tearing my heart out bitch.

Don't have anything useful to say. But if you lived near me, I might have to give you a hug. Right after I punched you in the neck for tearing my heart out.
My recent post On Being Reminded

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

jillsmo 103p · 685 weeks ago

Promises, promises

0 Vote up Vote down

julie gardner · 685 weeks ago

Whether this came out exactly how you wanted it to or says exactly what you mean?
I felt your words.

(How's that for psychobabble? Ugh.
Nevertheless. It's true).

The simplicity of it AND the complexity at the same time.
Crap it's hard.

And that's all I can say to you.
Because there are no easy answers.

But that song. Oh my.
Hold on.

+1 Vote up Vote down

lancecake 59p · 685 weeks ago

Hang in there...

good song....parenting fist pump

0 Vote up Vote down

andrea · 685 weeks ago

10 does seem young, doesn't it? The girl child here tried to act like she was over me even sooner in her strive for independence. I am sure you are even more irresistible in person and he will find his way back soon!
My recent post Quests

0 Vote up Vote down

Dani G · 685 weeks ago

Sucks. But I think this is probably just a phase. Still, you've gotta go through it. Pull through and make it to the other side.
My recent post SGK vs PP

0 Vote up Vote down

Bella · 685 weeks ago

Well I'm pretty sure i dont know what normal is but The Professor only needs me if i have cash I'n my wallet or dinosaurs I'n my purse. It sucks. Just wanted you to know i am reading.
My recent post That day when I couldn’t offer you comfort…

0 Vote up Vote down

K A B L O O E Y · 685 weeks ago

I don't know what's causing the pull away, but I hope the ebb ends and the flow starts. Ew, that sounds disgusting. Maybe wane and wax would have sounded better and less like the sentence needed feminine protection. Good song. Hugs.
My recent post Today’s The Day!!

Post a new comment

Comment as a Guest, or login:

Submit Comment

Subscribe to

Comments by IntenseDebate

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)