Eggs are white. Obama isn't. Breakfast is RUINED.

From BuzzFeed.

These are HILARIOUS, but I'm posting my favorites here so that I can quote them and then have something to refer you back to when you have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I couldn't help but notice that reddit was VERY well represented here

First, my favorite of them all:

I will be quoting this sign for weeks.

The coyote is cool but the dude kind of gives me the creeps

Simpsons quotes 4tw!!

See the little dude in the upper right corner? Reddit.

Go reddit go!!

HA HA HA. It's funny 'cause Glee sucks.

 

That's not the only reason to fear you

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Mental Health Weekend is over, time to get back on my head

h/t my very funny husband

Welcome To Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"

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I wish I was in DC today

All of the articles I've been reading about this rally start the same: "It's meant to be a parody of a political rally but it feels like it's a real political rally." And then they go on to interview people in the crowd who all say pretty much the same thing: "I'm tired of the extremists taking over the political discussion.... We need to take the polarization out of politics. Hope is still alive and we are here to signify that."

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, FUCK YEAH!! I have no other words of wisdom.

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Stress, this weekend & a dream I had last night

Oh hai! I'm back, to answer the question in this week's Special Needs Blog Hop, and there are other things floating in my head so I thought I'd just combine them all into one.

Last night I had this dream that I was picking up the boys from school, except it wasn't the school, it was a multi-level parking garage (you know how dreams are). As usual, I had to be in 2 places at once, and usually when that happens, I try to stand right in the middle between the 2 places so I can make a quick choice about which kid to go get first, but in my dream I was going up and down the levels of the parking garage for some reason. I had decided to go get Child 2 first so I guess I headed off toward where he was, and I saw Child 1 leaning against a wall with a couple other boys; he didn't see me. It was like they were all just hanging out, you know, like kids do, but it wasn't that he was just standing there next to them, they were actually buddies and having a conversation and shit. He was kind of being bad, I think, by not being in class and hanging out with his buddies, instead. He might have even been smoking! But I felt so relieved, and I thought "So, he actually does have friends, he just doesn't tell me about them. That's okay, he doesn't need to tell me, as long as I just know."

Of course, when I woke up, reality set in. He doesn't actually have friends and is hiding them from me, he has no friends and doesn't want friends, but I felt relieved to accidentally witness "the truth," because it meant that he was just like all the other kids and not the weird kid running back and forth flapping his hands in front of his face (even if he was smoking). I don't judge him, he is who he is, and I don't spend my waking hours wishing he was "normal," I just want him to be happy, but I can't control what my subconscious does when I'm sleeping, and in this instance, I was really happy that he was just a regular kid but I didn't know it. What can I say?

So, how do I handle stress? I guess it depends on what's stressing me out. Sometimes all I need is a stiff drink or 7, some Rock Band and I'm all set. Sometimes I go for a walk. Sometimes I just sit here and feel tense. Sometimes I take a nap. Sometimes I just plug through all the work until I get to the other side. Sometimes I just fucking go OFF on someone just for the fun of it. No, I don't really do that last one, I would feel too guilty, but it sounds so cathartic, doesn't it?

SOMETIMES I take what I call a "Mental Health Weekend," which brings me to my next point. A couple of times a year my parents go out of town and I "house sit" for them. They live about 30 minutes from me and really don't need a house sitter when they go out of town, it's just an excuse for me to have a weekend to myself. I used to get a hotel room but I can't really afford that, so this is the free version, and is what I'm doing this weekend. I will spend about 48 hours doing absolutely nothing unless I want to do it. Watching TV, being snarky on the internet, eating whatever my parents have in the fridge and sleeping, sleeping and more sleeping. There will be no children sitting on me, and no children begging me for stuff, and nobody climbing on my back in the middle of the night and no having to set an alarm or drag my ass out of bed for any reason other than having to eat and pee. I don't need a babysitter to go for a walk and I can watch whatever I want on TV without having to worry about it being appropriate (in this case, I have 16 unwatched episodes of Flash Forward. It's probably a bad idea for me to be getting into this show since I think it got canceled and there was only this one season, but it's really good and I can't help myself. And, of course, Comedy Central is live streaming the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear on Saturday. It's on at 9:00am but knowing Comedy Central it will also be on all day, every day, for the next month.) Plus it's going to rain all weekend, so I probably won't ever even go outside. It's just a whole bunch of win is what that is. :)

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Special Needs Blog Hop 3

Yay Blog Hop Day! I'm going to have to come back and answer the question of the day but I wanted to get this up here first thing in the morning. :) Thanks guys!

Welcome to another week of the Special Needs Blog Hop.

To Participate in the Special Needs Blog Hop is easy. Grab the button and go back to your blog. Answer the question we have posted below. Come back with a direct link to your blog post and link up. It's really that Simple. Please follow the hosts: Autism Learning Felt and Super Mommy To the Rescue

Question for this Week: How do you handle your stress?

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And you thought you'd seen a hippie before

So, I was in Target the other day (I KNOW, right????) and they were selling what they called "The Original Muk-Luks" and I felt them and thought "WTF NO! these are NOT the original Muk-Luks!" I don't know if you guys know what I'm talking about, but Muk-Luks were these knitted sock/shoe type things that I used to wear when I was in college... and these fuckers were NOT them. And that reminded me that somewhere in the world existed a picture of me wearing said hippie socks and I should pull it out and share it with the world. I mean why not, right? So... here we are....

Me as a Sophomore in college.... *cough* years ago. See the things on my feet? THE original Muk-Luks. Hippie what, now?

But, as I was looking for this picture, I ran across some others that I thought you might enjoy!

Here's me at a Dead show.... you can see the date so I guess now you know how old I am. I was SO proud that we had a TV in our hotel room!!!!! Apparently!

My brother and me when I was in high school. We were such jokesters. Christ I fucking miss him.

Can you guess which one is me here? The only girl on the t-ball team in 1979? I was SO ahead of my time!

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OMG Rock Band 3 and OMG I love Target!

The boys and I went to Target this afternoon to buy Rock Band 3. (ROCK BAND THREE!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!) I love Rock Band. Because I sing, I love to sing, and this is my chance to actually do some real singing, to awesome songs, without requiring somebody in the room who plays guitar, or having to be in my car. Or having to be in front of a huge crowd of drunks, which is probably my 2nd favorite option.

Okay, first: I Heart Target. So, we go upstairs to where they have the games (on the way, somebody made an announcement over the loudspeaker and Child 2 says "WHAT did the ceiling just say?") and we go to the games section and I find our game, which is locked down by a cable, but that doesn't stop Child 1 from pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling and saying "it's stuck on something" and pulling and pulling and pulling and pulling..... It's labeled $19.99. Yay good price! The dude comes and unlocks it for me and I see another pile that isn't locked down and they're labeled $59.99. So I ask what the difference is between the $19.99 version and the $59.99 version, thinking that the more expensive version comes with the guitar or something, which we're not getting. But NO! It was mis-labeled! And the policy at Target is that if you see something mis-labeled, you get it for the wrong price!!! So I scored a $60 game for $20!!! There's only one thing to say about THAT:

Okay, now on to Rock Band 3. ROCK BAND THREE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!! Look at some of these songs!!!!!

Amy Winehouse, Rehab
Spacehog, In the Meantime
Stone Temple Pilots, Plush
Devo, Whip It
Joan Jett, I Love Rock N' Roll
Ozzy Osbourne, Crazy Train
Doobie Brothers, China Grove

and OMG John Lennon, Imagine

and OMG OMG Lynyrd Skynyrd, Free Bird

AND OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

HUBS COME HOME NOW!  NOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Z word

So, we're all aware of the controversy surrounding The R Word. Romance. No, I'm kidding, I mean retard or retarded. I know a lot of people who have lots of differing opinions about it: some people are incredibly offended by its use and want it banned, because it's offensive, and it is, really. Others take the Lenny Bruce approach: it's just a word, and words by themselves have no power, it's the intent in which it's used, and then taken, that gives it its power, so we should use them often, because making them commonplace will make them lose their power.

I understand and sympathize with both of these opinions. Myself, I'm torn on the issue. On the one hand, I'm uncomfortable by it, not because I think it's offensive, but because I think it's unoriginal. As a sarcastic zinger (a topic in which I am well versed) it's not really very funny, and as a harsh cut down (another topic I know something about) I think it's just unoriginal. In my opinion, if you're a person who uses the word retard or retarded on a regular basis, you're probably pretty low class, and I don't think you're funny or interesting. On the other hand, I do believe in the Lenny Bruce school of thought, that words, themselves, are meaningless, etc. etc. and people take things too seriously these days. On the other hand, however, if anybody ever says it to my kid with autism, I'll flatten your ass to the ground in 2 seconds flat. I assure you that if I ever learn about the word being used about my kid at the school, we will all be forced into general assemblies and workshops so we can learn about alternative ways to express ourselves.

So, I'm torn. This morning, though, we're standing on the sidewalk in front of school and Child 2 asks me to zip up his sweatshirt because he's cold. I was having some trouble jamming the little pointy metal thingy into the little metal zippy thingy and he says "what's taking so long, I'm freezing!" and I said "I'm sorry! I guess I'm ziptarded."

So, I guess I'm perfectly okay with its use as long as it's self-deprecating. Oy.

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Even the politicians in Berkeley are crazy!

I don't have a big enough readership here to cause any kind of local controversy by posting this, so Imma go ahead and talk some shit :)

I run a mailing list for parents who have kids with special needs at the school district in which my kids are enrolled. Last week we put together a list of questions specific to our issues and emailed them to all the people who are running for school board (there are 6 of them).

Our questions were pretty straightforward, and if you're running for school board I think it's safe to assume that you would have at least an opinion on them, don't you? Here's a sample:

• Some people assert that students with IEPs cost the district too much money. What are your views about the cost of special education and how to meet the needs of students who have disabilities? 
• Many parents report not receiving updates on their child's progress in meeting IEP goals and are not aware of such data being recorded. What are your views on using such data to assess the effectiveness of special education programs and how else should the district evaluate special education? 
• How do you think the district should address the challenges of inclusion and improve outcomes for inclusion students?

The candidates were to send back their answers to our questions by Friday (the one coming up). I just heard back from the first person. Here's a sample of what SHE said:

School is an institution within this abusive society, that serves the abuse.... The root of the word education, as you know, is educe - and you know that's about that all people come with content; that that content is NOT, endless language to the contrary, respected - or ABLE to be respected - by school. School is where we are fit into this society at the various levels permitted.

DUDE! You realize you're running for fucking SCHOOL BOARD, right? Shouldn't you, oh, I don't know, have a better attitude about the whole thing???

Consider the main work of the U.S. is war - conquest, service to The Rich's accumulation of property/wealth and power. Their wholly owned legislatures rule control by The Rich of our labor, by which They rape Earth.

Oooohhhhh. Oh, I see. You're one of THOSE. You're like that neighbor of mine who cornered me last year to tell me about how autism was caused by wireless internet and how she can hear it at night, everybody's wireless networks, they're all buzzing around her head and don't people see the connection in the rise of autism cases and the relatively new prevalence of wireless internet? She's always riding her bike past my house with a clipboard, talking to herself probably about how Bush was the mastermind behind 911.

Needless to say, this woman's entire email was like this and there was absolutely no mention of IEPs or inclusion or nuthin!  If anybody lives in Berkeley and wants to know who not to vote for for school board, email me and I'll give you her name! :)

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Out of the mouths of babes 16

Me: How come you're so cute??

Child 2: That's just the way I was made. But maybe I get cuter each day that I get older.

Me: Good answer.

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Song of the day: When I drink

I'm still fucking kicking myself for not being psychic and knowing these guys were in town a few weeks ago. FUCK! It's really hard to find a good version of their stuff on YouTube, all the videos were taken from the audience and you get so much crowd noise, so I found this studio version that somebody used for this stupid video they made; just ignore the video and listen to the song. Actually I'm not sure anybody even listens to these songs of mine. But I love them. And, in the end.... isn't all that really matters? The answer...... is no.

Anyway, I love this song because of this line: "It's the only way to keep that last bit of sanity maybe I don't have to be good but I can try to be at least a little better than I've been so far." Sorry about the banjo, though.

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HUBS 4TW

I've talked before about how I'm a shitty, shitty teacher. It's okay, I'm okay with that, no need to console me or anything. I've also talked about how much I fucking hate homework, or, at least, if I didn't say "I fucking hate homework" in those posts, I assure you, I meant to.

What I haven't talked about, though, is the Hubs and how much he rocks. He is NOT a shitty teacher. In fact, he's an awesome teacher. When we first got our diagnosis, he quit his job to stay home and run trials with Child 1 while we waited for ABA to start. And he was good at it, too, he got the boy past that initial resistance phase (where he screams and cries at the idea of being sat down and taught something. Autie moms, I know you hear me) and ready to start working with the professionals. There was no way in hell I could have done that. Not even a chance.

So, right now, I can hear them in the other room, working on some project Child 1 has for school (something about trees, I don't fucking know, who pays attention to these things?) He sounds patient and kind and Child 1 is going along with whatever he's doing. They're making pictures and he's getting the boy to write shit and DAMN that's cool. Fuck yeah, man; you RULE!

He will be rewarded for this. Oh, yes. Yes he will.....

UPDATE:

OMG the adorableness... it overwhelms me!!!!!!!!!

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Song of the day: Crash

I just heard this on Pandora and I'm choosing it as my Song of the Day not because it's a particularly good song, I mean, it's an okay song, you could very easily make the case that Dave Matthews is a pussy, and I would probably agree with you, but no. I've always loved this song for its complete lack of subtlety. Just go ahead and talk about fucking, why dontcha, but put it in song form so that we can all hear it and sing along PG-13 style! Yay! Fucking!

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Things I find in my house II

You just can't make this shit up. Well, actually you can; in fact, it would probably be pretty easy, but I'm not.

Damn that door is dirty.


UPDATE:

This is what we found a few hours later. Apparently the cats were pissed to be stuck outside in the rain so they just muscled their way inside.

UPDATE 2:

Uh-oh. Looks like Rexie here was involved in an "incident." Cats are such bitches.

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Song of the day: St. Teresa

Continuing my series of Songs I Fucking Love To Sing and Have Rediscovered Now That I Have An iPod Again. This video is weird, though

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I don't know how single parents do it

It's been a rough fucking week. (Only one more day!) My work has gotten really busy lately (for those of you just joining us, I'm a freelance Bookkeeper) which is good $$-wise but I'm not used to having this much to do every day of the week. I really think that working part time and taking care of kids the rest of the time is so much harder than either working full time or taking care of kids full time. Figures I would pick the most difficult of the 3 options, but here we are. Why is it so hard, in my opinion? Because I never get a break. From the minute I wake up in the morning I'm constantly on the move. I get the kids off to school, then I go to work, then I leave work and go pick them up, then we all go home. Hubs has been working late pretty much every day, because his job sucks hairy balls so, basically I'm "on" from 7:30am until 10:00pm. Which is fine, I like both of my "jobs," but some weeks are just harder than others.

This week, for example. Child 2 is going through some sort of something, I don't know what. He alternates between being happy and running around wanting to play (which always seems to involve hitting a cat with something for some reason), or cranky and crying, for no particular reason other than because of whatever he perceives as a wrongdoing against him. Both options require a good deal of my time, energy and attention because he doesn't want to do any of it by himself. I must share every moment of his happiness or his pain and it's been a challenge, to say the least. My mood has not been good, which makes me impatient and snappy, which makes him impatient and snappy, which makes his emotions even more volatile, which makes everything worse. Honestly, I would rather be working, because I work with numbers and numbers don't ask questions or complain or whine about every fucking thing. ("Why do you have to multiply me by 9.75% every day?" "The cell next to me has more numbers than I do!" "Don't go to the next worksheet, you have to stay here on my worksheet until I say you can leave.") Today I was able to at least go for a walk, because work ended earlier than I was expecting it to, so I'm feeling a little bit better; better than yesterday, anyway.

To make things worse, though, all week I've been feeling like I'm on the verge of getting sick, as if any minute now my body is going to tell me "Hold it right there, sister. It's time for YOU to lie the fuck down!" I don't have time to get sick right now! FUCK! But I also don't have time to take care of myself so that I don't get sick. FUCK! I seriously don't know how single parents do it all the time. What do you do when you get sick? "The whole operation falls apart," says my friend Kat, (I copied that from a past FB status update of hers). I have immense respect for anybody who can parent by themselves because that shit is HARD. So, I award the trophy that's up there to all of my single parent friends, in particular Kat, who is not only smoking hot (single guys: email me! I'll tell you all about her) but who also has a kid on spectrum and somehow managed to go back to school and get a degree. How the fuck did she do that??

But, how am I managing to find the time to blog, you ask? I suggested to Child 2 that he should play a nice game on his computer. He was happy to oblige. When that stops working I'll move on to chocolate. I'm pretty sure this gets me the Parent of the Year award, right?

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Special Needs Blog Hop 2

I love this Blog Hop! I've met so many awesome people in the last week it's been amazing. I've posted it below, and in the meantime, I will follow the instructions and answer the Question of the Week.

Hi! I'm Jill. I have 2 kids: Child 1 is 8 and has autism.  He's very high functioning, very verbal, very sweet, adorable, smart, awesome and wonderful. Child 2 is 5 and is NT to the max. He's also very adorable, smart, awesome and wonderful, but he tends to lack sweetness, probably because he's so much like me. He's also learning sarcasm, although I told him he's still too young for snark. This is my blog. I yammer a lot about mostly nothing; my mom says I embarrass her because I curse so much

And now for the hopping!

Welcome to another week of the Special Needs Blog Hop.

To Participate in the Special Needs Blog Hop is easy. Grab the button and go back to your blog. Answer the question we have posted below. Come back with a direct link to your blog post and link up. It's really that Simple. Please follow the hosts: Autism Learning Felt and Super Mommy To the Rescue

Question for this Week: Introduce yourself and your Blog to us so we can get to know you 

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Thank you!

Somebody posted a link to this blog on Facebook today and I have been getting a SHITLOAD of traffic as a result. I have no idea who it was but I can see it in my site stats that all kinds of people are coming over here from Facebook.

Whoever it was: Thanks! :) You've made my day!

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My Wet Butt

So, there was water on my car seat that I failed to notice before I firmly planted my cheeks upon it. I don't know how that happened but I'm sure there's a child to blame. And then I didn't have time to do anything about it except walk around with a soggy butt and wait for it to dry, but I had to go to the store like that. I was really hoping somebody would point it out to me so that I could say "What? Oh, that? That's nothing, I just peed my pants. WHAT? I have had 2 kids, you know!"

Maybe next time.

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OMG I'm such a bitch!

The scene earlier this morning....

Me: Okay, guys, grab your backpacks, let's go

Child 1: Grabs backpack because he's such an angel

Child 2: {whiny voice} Why do you always have to say that every day???

Me: I don't know, why do you have to complain about everything every day?

Child 2: starts crying

Child 1: bumps halo on door frame

Scene


Okay, maybe that's not exactly how it went.



Or is it?

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I'm losing it

I love my kids. You guys know that. I don't have to explain that. But, I swear to god, if I don't get a break soon I'm going to fucking snap. I feel that more disclaimers are necessary here.... They're awesome little people, they really are, but do they always have to be ON me? They're either sitting on me or lying on me or smashed up next to me; as I type this I'm crammed onto a Lazy Boy with Child 2 stuffed into the little space between my giant ass and the armrest. He's smashing my arm so it's actually kind of hard to type, and resting his head on my shoulder. It's very sweet but OH MY GOD GET THE FUCK OFF ME FOR ONCE.

And the talking; always with the fucking talking! This kid never shuts up! (Another disclaimer: I am grateful that he never shuts up, Child 2 that is, because I know too many people who have kids with severe autism and they would want to fucking punch me for saying this, because they would KILL to be able to complain about their kid never shutting up, so I feel bad for saying it, and I always remember that whenever I feel like complaining about it. I'm very grateful that his constant fucking yammering annoys the yell out of me, I'm serious.) And then there's Child 1, he makes noises that mimic a BART train approaching, kind of like "WWWCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," while he runs back and forth in front of me, flapping, and whispering "10 car Fremont train approaching whisper whisper whisper" and he's also developed this lovely cough/click stim thing at the same time.

CAN'T IT EVER BE QUIET IN HERE??? CAN'T THEY EVER SIT BY THEMSELVES???!?? OH MY GOD CAN I HAVE SOME FUCKING SPACE??

I know, I know, one day they will be teenagers and they will hate me and I will miss these days, and one day they will be grown up and moved out and I will miss these days. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, I KNOW!! FUCK! I KNOW! But right now, if I don't get a fucking break, somebody's going to lose a body part. I don't even care if it's me, I could use a nice hospital stay. They have delicious drugs there and people bring you food and probably nobody sits on you ever.

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Autism, and why I (seriously) love Berkeley

I saw the You're Perfect Guy again this morning; I was driving to work and he was skateboarding down University holding up his sign. I smiled and waved at him. He smiled and waved back. I thought "I can't wait to blog about this!" and as I drove I started thinking about what I would say in a new edition of Spotted in Berkeley. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I wanted to say more about this town than just to make fun of it like I usually do.... and now here we are.

First of all, how cool is that, really? Here's a guy who has taken it upon himself to spread the message that no matter what, you're perfect just the way you are. What a great message to be spreading around town, and so true. We're all so hung up on societal norms and customs and how are you supposed to behave and what are you supposed to wear, but all of that is just bullshit. This guy has it right; none of that matters, because you, and I, and my kids and your kids: we're all perfect, just the way we are. I know that I make fun of this place a lot, because it's really like no other place I've ever been, but really I love it here. I'm happy that we have a guy here who does that and I wouldn't want it any other way.

When I tell people that I have a child with autism, I'm often asked what that means, or how "does it manifest?" or something like that. I may go on and on about focus and attention and language delays or cognitive development or whatever, but really what it comes down to is that my kid is weird. He is, he's the weird kid. He flaps his hands in front of his face, jumps up and down and then runs back and forth pretty much all day long. When you ask him a question he's very likely to answer you with "This is the platform elevator at the 24th street Mission BART station." Most people don't have any idea what to do with all of this, but that's okay. We live in a town where it's no big deal that a dude riding a skateboard will be holding a sign that says "you're perfect," or that another dude wearing a pink leotard would be riding a unicycle down the street. That's just how it is around here, people all over are weird. This is the perfect place for my kid to be weird, and I don't mean to sound snotty about it, but I'm so fucking glad this is where we live. I would never move, ever; and for that reason, alone.

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Life is just plain unfair sometimes

I've just gotten home from picking up the kids from school. Everybody is in a shitty mood because nobody got any sleep last night. I ask Child 1 how he is and he says "I don't want to talk to you" and walks away. Then Child 2 has a total meltdown on the stairs because I took too long to come out of the bathroom.

Why can't I do those things? I want to tell people I don't want to talk to them and then just walk away. I want to have a total fucking meltdown on the stairs for no reason at all and then expect everybody around me to cater to my needs.

No fair!!!

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That's what she said

Amazing how many of these you can come up with while watching the Food Network. The following is dedicated to my friend Kimberly.

"I'm not going to touch it for 10 minutes and then I'm going to stir it and fluff it." -Woman cooking quinoa

"You want it to be thick enough so that it holds up." -Woman slicing eggplant

"Make sure it's not wet when you put it in." -Woman cooking shrimp

"I'm going to rub it with a little bit of sugar to give it some extra flavor." -Woman cooking pot roast

"This is going to be SOOO GOOOD!" -Paula Dean

"Take your time with this, this isn't a one minute thing." -Man cutting up a chicken

"This is the richest meat I've ever tasted." -Douchey Sunglasses Guy


Also.... "My cheese balls are looking good." heh heh heh heh heh.... Hey, give me a break, I've been drinking champagne and doing laundry all day, fuckers!

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I won another award!!

I'm very proud of this one. I haven't been blogging for long, and I've always marveled at how weird blogging is; random things go through my head that I find amusing, I write them down and then other people read them. Most of the time people just read them and then move on, but sometimes somebody "sticks" because for whatever reason (they're CRAZY) they think I'm funny. But when those people are other bloggers that I think are hilariously awesome, it's even more incredible. It's REALLY WEIRD this blogging thing, and I've managed to actually make some friends over the past few weeks.

My newest and best blogger friend is Tina from The Teething Mom, and she has given me this award and said the most fucking nicest and most awesome things about me, I seriously want to cry. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I've been drinking champagne all day.... no, really! Look what she said:

Jill is unapologetic about her inner, neurotic ramblings, which is exactly the reason why her readers love her and why I consider her as my blog idol (let's talk payment plans later Jill).  She serves it to you untainted by pretentions, even bitchslap you to the moon and back in case you still don't get it.  This is exactly the reason why she's fierce in my vocabulary.  She is raw, eloquent, hilarious, witty, sarcastic and best of all, she doesn't abuse profanity just to come off as funny.  In this niche saturated by sellout blogs and follower collecting whores, Jill is a breath of fresh air.  It is just a matter of time before this bitch gets published, and when that time comes, I can proudly say I knew her first.

Wow. I mean, just. Wow. Thank you. That is so incredibly awesome and I am humbled by your words. Thank you!!

I went to Mumsyhood.com, the originator of this awesome award, and I read her rules. She says if you get this you can pass it on to somebody else, as long as you say why, and so I am proud to pass this Fierce Mom Blogger Award on to....

Lynn, the Autism Army Mom, or... My Life as an Ungraceful, Unhinged and Unwilling Draftee into the Autism Army; another one of my new blogger friends.

You know, you live your life being the person that you are, you're funny, you're smart, you're ambitious, you're whatever you want to be. You have kids and you think things are supposed to turn out a certain way, and sometimes life just throws you a fucking bomb. Autism? Seriously? How can my kid have autism? Isn't that like Rainman? None of us knew what autism was before our kids were diagnosed, but we learned, because we had to, and we do whatever it takes to get the best care and services for our kids. But we're still the people we were before the bomb hit; we're still funny, and smart, and ambitious, or whatever it was we were, and just because we now have this new, additional identity of "special needs mom" that doesn't need we also need to change who we were before.

And, that's Lynn. Lynn is funny as fucking hell. She's smart as a whip (when she's sober. HA HA! Just kidding!) and so raw and so honest and she says the things we're all thinking, even if we don't want to admit it, and she makes us laugh and realize that it's all still okay. Autism can really fucking suck, but that's no reason why we can't still keep our sense of humor about things, so why not just write it all down for the world to see? And she's fierce; as fierce as all hell, and it is with great pride that I pass this award onto her. If you're not reading Lynn, you're making a big mistake. She already has a big following, and I am proud to call myself another one of her fans.

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Farewell, drunk Elmo

I love drunk Elmo more than I love my kids. Don't tell them that. But I found this picutre on the internetz somewhere, it doesn't belong to me and I'm obviously stealing from PBS by using it so it's just not right that I continue to have this as my logo. Any day now I will get a Cease and Desist order so I thought I'd prevent that now by switching to something else. I'm going to start using this new, awesome drawing I made of myself, instead.

 It's practically a mirror image of my likeness, anyway. If you have grabbed my button, first of all THANKS! but I've made new code for button replacement over there in the side for you to use, instead  --------------------->

Fare thee well, drunk Elmo! I love you more than words can tell. You have brought us weeks of happiness, and for this we are thankful, but now we must bid you adieu.

sob

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The Greatest Halloween Costume Ever

If I do say so, myself.

Child 2 as a pre-walking toddler:

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Playdate Aftermath

Even dinosaurs and transformers get sick sometimes, and when they do, they need to go see the doctor. Just like the rest of us.

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Tough shit, autism! AHA HA HA HA HA!!

Child 2 has a playdate over right now; he's very talkative, very social, will not take "no" for an answer and he's taken this interest in Child 1 who isn't used to this. I've decided not to intervene in any way because the kid is really sweet and all he's doing is talking and wanting to socialize, so I'm just watching what happens, even though I know Child 1 is hating every minute of it.

The kid keeps following him around and just will NOT stop talking; it's cracking me up. "Hey, what are you doing? What is that? Can I play? Why can't I play? Where are you going? I'm coming with you. Why did you do that? Why won't you talk to me? Jacob? Jacob? Jacob? Jacob? Jacob? Jacob? Why won't you talk to me? Jacob? Jacob? Jacob? Jacob? Where are you going? I'm coming with you. Jacob? Jacob? Jacob? Jacob?"

Poor Jake, but this is really good for him because his brother tends to give up really easily, and he may be annoyed but he's not being harmed or anything so I'm just watching it all unfold.

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Song of the day: Right as Rain

This begins my new series of songs that I fucking LOVE to sing. Since I have an iPod again, I've been able to listen to and sing awesome songs in my car, where I spend all of my time, and I've REALLY been enjoying hearing and singing these songs again.

This is Adele. Apparently there's no official video for this song and I couldn't find any live versions that didn't suck, so here's a studio version with eyelashes. I love her because her voice kicks fucking ass and she's a fat chick! Love those awesome fat chicks. :)

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Out of the mouths of babes 15

Me: Child 2, if you're not playing that game, can you turn off the music?

Child 2: I don't really want to; it's a funky beat.

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Inclusion? Sure! Sort of....

Pictured above is this thingy that they have at the kids' school; the school has these rules and when a teacher or staff sees a kid following the rules they get this little card dealie that you see; the check marks you see are for the rules he was following at the time he was spotted by a teacher. It's supposed to be a big deal and everybody is supposed to be really happy about it, and then something happens after that, but I'm not entirely sure what because I've never been listening when they talk about this stuff. This is the 2nd or 3rd year they've been doing this whatever it is, and this is the first one of these I've ever seen, so I always just assume I never would, at least not from Child 1 (oh, fuck it, his name is obviously Jacob, since it's written right there in the picture!). I'm quite proud of him, actually, I was thrilled to see him holding this yellow card. I asked him what he got it for and, of course, he wouldn't tell me. He did read it to me, though, and said "these are my instructions." He's adorable.

It's kind of this weird balance, I'm finding, with the teachers at our school. The thing I liked the most about our teacher last year was also the thing I liked the least about him: he treated Jake just like every other kid; he was supposed to follow the rules and go along with the class just like every other kid. I liked that he wasn't treated differently because of his differentness. The problem, though, is that he IS different, and you can't expect that he'll behave like the rest of the kids, even if he can follow the rules once he learns them, so you also need to take that into account. This is why I never thought I'd see one of these yellow cards; he's being responsible and respectful all the time (apparently not safe, though! ha ha!) but it's hard to tell because he behaves so differently from the other kids.

It's been interesting so far, watching these teachers who have pretty much no special ed training; they ask ME for autism resources so that they can learn more about it. I so appreciate how wonderful these people are and how much they're willing to learn so that they can help my child. Last year's teacher told me he had really wanted Jake in his class so that he could learn more about autism and inclusion. But, if our district is really interested in "Full Inclusion," should these guys be getting more training? Why do they have to ask ME, a parent, for help in learning about autism? Kind of makes me think that our district isn't really interested in full inclusion, after all. (that was a joke; of COURSE they don't care about inclusion! How does Inclusion help them with their NCLB Program Improvement Status? Answer: it doesn't).

Anyway: Good job Jake! For whatever it was that you did to earn the yellow card! :)

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Quote of the day: Dan Savage

Try to keep up: The dehumanizing bigotries that fall from the lips of “faithful Christians,” and the lies about us that vomit out from the pulpits of churches that “faithful Christians” drag their kids to on Sundays, give your children license to verbally abuse, humiliate, and condemn the gay children they encounter at school. And many of your children—having listened to Mom and Dad talk about how gay marriage is a threat to family and how gay sex makes their magic sky friend Jesus cry—feel justified in physically abusing the LGBT children they encounter in their schools. You don’t have to explicitly “encourage [your] children to mock, hurt, or intimidate” queer kids. Your encouragement—along with your hatred and fear—is implicit. It’s here, it’s clear, and we’re seeing the fruits of it: dead children.

- Dan Savage

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I'm too stupid for parenting, part 2

I'm sitting on the yard at school with Child 2 waiting to pick up Child 1 and... oh god.... OH GOD! "MAMA THERE'S A BUG ON MY ARM! GET IT OFF!!!!" so I brush off the teeny tiny little thing without even looking at it. Panic over; questions begin.

"What kind of bug was that?" he asked.

"It was a bug bug." I said. Because it was, you know. A bug bug.

"No, I mean... what species was it."

What species? Are you fucking kidding me? You're FIVE. How the hell do you know what a species is; I don't even know what a fucking species is!

"Oh, uh......." I say. "I don't know, a fly?"

He bought it. Phew! Until next time...

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Special Needs Blog Hop

Oh, man, I've got a lot of people I need to link up to. Okay, I'll get to it! In the meantime, here is the first Special Needs Blog Hop. I still don't know what I'm doing here, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of this thing, and I'm technically not really a "Special Needs" blogger since I have 2 kids and I blog about them both, but here we go....

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Welcome to the First Special Needs Blog Hop. The beginning of many more Special Needs Blog Hoppin Thursdays!

Autism Learning Felt and Super Mommy To The Rescue have come together to host a Special Needs Blog Hop. With all the Blog Hops around just how many of them are dedicated to Special Needs? With the blogosphere being really big we wanted to reach the ones that blog about Special Needs. Whether it’s autism, cerebral palsy, ADHD or physically handicapped, your all welcome to participate. We want to know about you. We want everyone to know how strong our community is.

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I'm so proud of my little protege

I've been teaching Child 2 the term "sarcasm;" more like mentoring, really. It started simply enough, with me having to explain why I said "nice" when he threw his backpack out of the car, into the air and it landed on the sidewalk in front of school. He wanted to know why I thought that was nice when it clearly wasn't nice, and I explained that when you say something but you mean the exact opposite, that's called "sarcasm." He calls it "starcasm." He's so cute.

Anyhoozle, today after school he was telling me about the girl in his class who cried all day. "It made me so happy." He said. I was like "really? Why did that make you happy?" "No," he says, "I was being starcasm. It didn't make me happy but I said it made me happy. That's starcasm." "Ooooohhhhh," I said. "Good job." Then he went on to say "I used starcasm all day long today. I'm getting really good at it!"

Okay, maybe another lesson is in order. I hope his teacher doesn't hate me....

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Quote of the day

"When in doubt, don't be douchey." -Jon Stewart

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rally Dos and Don'ts
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

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What do you guys think?

I thought I'd become a logo designer, so I drew this incredibly accurate picture of myself to use as a logo for one of the message boards I run. What do you think? It's uncanny, right???

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I ordered a pizza from my cell phone

I needed to refer to this picture in order to make the call...

BOOOO technology!!!

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V Cast Song ID is SO COOL!!!!

The following is an unpaid, unsolicited and probably uninteresting product review....

I drive a lot; I spend a lot of time in my gets-worse-gas-mileage-than-a-Humvee Minivan. I take the kids to school, I go to Target, I go to work, I go to Target, I pick the kids up, we all go to Target, etc. I spend a lot of time listening to the radio in my car, and when I hear a song I like, I either have to stay in the car long enough to hear the radio dude tell me what it's called, or I have to remember a snippet of the lyric so that I can google it when I get home. Those things rarely actually happen. So, today, I'm driving (home from work; not Target) and I heard this song I've been hearing for a few weeks but have neglected to remember any lyrics to for subsequent googling, and I says to myself, "Self? you should remember some lyrics to this song so that you can google it when you get home..." and then I remembered that my new phone came with V Cast Song ID!!! So, I, naturally, pull over to the side of the road and do all of the following with 100% safety and legality... *cough* .... and I pull out my phone, press 2 buttons, hold it up to the speakers and, I shit you not, 10 SECONDS LATER I've got the name of the song and the band.

Is that not the coolest fucking thing you've ever heard??? Tell me that's not the coolest fucking thing you've ever heard. Seriously. Tell me that. I dare you....

This is the song, by the way, which I now own thanks to a balance remaining on my iTunes gift card. It's Arcade Fire, Ready to Start. YAY technology!!

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Song of the day: Call me when you're sober

I've had this song stuck in my head for most of the day, for some reason. Probably because I've been thinking about playing Rock Band and this is one of my favorite songs to sing. It's veeeeery difficult but very fun. Also: this chick is HOT.

By the way, when searching for this song on YouTube, I was forced to use the search term "Call me when your sober." It practically killed me to have to hit "enter" on that one.

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Quite possibly the greatest thing ever

Earlier today I was listening to Pandora radio and I hear this Avett Brothers song I hadn't heard before; it was very pretty, and I hadn't heard it before because it was on an album I don't have. So, naturally, my first thought was to run to the Apple Store and GET the album that I don't have. I stopped myself, though, because I spend a LOT of money at the Apple Store, and do I really need another Avett Brothers album? Well, yes I do, but, no, I don't really. Besides, I can probably just find it for free somewhere and "download" it from some peer to peer network. But I don't really have a place I use often so I was going to have to do some googling and then I got caught up in other things and forgot. That happens. Often.

So, just a minute ago I was cleaning my desk, because it had been a while since I last cleaned my desk, and I found this......

OH MY FUCKING GOD. IT'S THE GIFT CERTIFICATE THAT CAME WITH MY BIRTHDAY IPOD AND I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT. It had gotten lost in the mess on my desk!!!!!!!!!

And now, I own this.....

So. Freakin. Awesome.

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No more Homework! Here's why....

So, yesterday I'm at this PTA fundraiser thingy, and I'm chatting with another mom whose 4th grader had the same teacher last year that Child 1 has this year, and I mentioned how homework has been a real challenge for us. She said that she doesn't care about homework anymore, ever since she saw the movie Race to Nowhere. She told me that in it she learned that there is no benefit to elementary school kids doing homework, that the benefit only starts at middle school and even then it should only be about an hour a day; 2 hours a day in high school. (I was like, is this an actual study, or was it "100% of 3rd graders agree! Homework is pointless!") She said I should see the movie. I haven't seen the movie but I did google it, and found this:

A 2006 synthesis on the effects of homework by Harris Cooper shows no correlation between homework and learning in elementary school, a .7 correlation in middle school for up to 1 hour of homework (and the correlation is only on teacher prepared exams) and a correlation in high school for up to 2 hours of homework. Too much homework is correlated with increases in rates of depression, lack of engagement with school, weight gain and sleep deprivation.

- Homework Facts and Action

Well, you don't need to tell ME twice!

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Gay Marriage: No big deal

This is so awesome. I particularly like "So that means you love each other.... I'm going to play ping pong now. You can play if you like."

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Computers have ruined my brain

So, I'm in my happy place (you might know it as Target) and I'm trying to find these sheets that they used to carry; they're made out of cotton and bamboo, which you would think would be an odd combination of materials with which to make sheets, but they're actually incredibly soft and comfortable. Unfortunately, they're also very thin and get holes in them after a few years of use, so I'm in my happy place, where I had originally purchased the aforementioned sheets, and I'm trying to find them again to get some more.

I'm looking at the wall of sheets, pictured above, and I see a million different kinds of sheets, and my first thought? If I just start typing in the word "bamboo" one of these packages of sheets will have their label highlighted and I will find it easily.

I kind of feel sorry for this next generation, being raised with computers. They'll never know the joys of a disorganized Dewey Decimal index card filing cabinet. Or, remember when you would hear a song on the radio that you liked and then go into Music Plus and have to try to sing it to the person that works there and hope that your horrible rendition is recognizable enough, and the Music Plus cashier (that used to be me!) was knowledgeable enough to be able to figure out which song you were butchering? My new blackberry has that software where you just hold your phone up to the radio and it will tell you what it's called and who sings it. Kids these days have it so easy!

I forgot what my point was, something about me being dumb...

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Happy Columbus Day... on Monday...

h/t Hubs

Is it me or is that sword kind of, um.... inappropriate?

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HA HA! Yeah.

Check me out, my coolness factor has risen slightly today.  Actually, I kind of feel pressure now to think of more funny things to blog about, want to make sure my rep stays intact, right? Unfortunately, the only thing I can think to say right now is "I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired" and there's absolutely nothing funny about that. Unless you're in the room with me and you're listening to me trying to put words together to form a sentence; that's actually pretty fucking funny.

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Congratulations Tina!!

Tina, the fabulous Teething Mom, correctly answered my first ever Guess The Simpsons Quote Quiz (I just named it that just now! I'M SO CLEVER!!!) She said she didn't Google it, and since I want to believe her, I have chosen to believe her. AND, since I am a woman of my word, I am now giving her a prize....

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!! Tina has been nominated for a Hottest Mommy Blogger over at the Blogger's Choice Awards.

GO THERE AND VOTE FOR HER!!!!!!!

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Out of the mouths of babes 14

"It's a beautiful day for a nice drink of ketchup."  -Child 2

I couldn't make this shit up if I TRIED.

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Spotted in Berkeley

Feel free to add your own caption in the comments

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I keep telling you I'm not a pilot!

I've decided that the mood around this place is too much of a bummer and I need to turn up the funny. In my defense, though, it's hard to be funny when you're surrounded by short dudes in a bad mood all the time. I can't think of a topic right now, though, and I also don't have the time to write something, so I'm going to bump one of the first things I wrote here (it's below). Actually, it's kind of the reason I started this blog, it had been rolling around in my head for a long time and I needed to get it out somewhere. And here we are.

However, the first person who can tell me what the next line is after the subject line of this post will win a prize, to be determined by me at a later date, but it will be something. It won't necessarily be anything good, but it will be something. Hubs, you're not allowed to play because that's like asking you what my name is, and you get that one right almost all the time. So, put your guesses in the comments, and no googling!! I'll know! No, I won't know... or will I? I won't. Yes I will!

Think about it.

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Update on the upset Child 1

He's totally fine now; happy, laughing, his usual self. Glad to go off to school, cheerily waved goodbye to me and a still cranky Child 2 (more on that later). An email from the school folks yesterday said he was happy and cheerful in school, too.

I have no idea what the deal was. He wouldn't tell me anything and now it's gone like it never happened. At least I know it probably isn't something chronic, like being picked on by other kids; it was probably something fleeting like math was hard on Monday. I'll never actually know, though; thus is the nature of the A beast, as I like to say.....

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Fuck autism & other things that can fuck off, too

I am ON. EDGE. today. I got NO fucking sleep last night, for the reasons I blogged about last night, but then throw a clingy 5 year old into the mix and that was my night. I didn't have time to eat breakfast this morning. Both kids were in shitty moods and had to be dragged, kicking and screaming off to school. My fucking Blackberry is broken, it doesn't scroll up anymore, and I have back to back clients all week and no time to do anything about it. And THEN, to add insult to fucking INJURY, I heard on the radio earlier that the Avett Brothers were in San Francisco on Sunday for the Bluegrass festival. Why the FUCK did I not know about that???? This is the closest they've ever been to me since I started listening to them and I didn't even know it?? FUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!

Okay, anyway, my point is that I'm in need of a rant. My apologies in advance to the people I will no doubt piss off with what I'm about to say. You know I'm a nice person, generally supportive of everybody I know, right? Okay, just keep that in mind, then....

There are 2 things I can live the rest of my life without ever having to hear again:

1. "ALL kids do that!" and 2. "HA HA HA that sounds just like MY kid!"

I'm unclear on the motivation behind these words, when a parent of an NT kid, or a teacher who has no kids says them. I think maybe you're trying to make me feel more included in the world, but really, it just fucking pisses me off, because NO, not all kids do that, and I don't care how fucked up your NT kid happens to be, what I'm describing is nothing like what you've experienced. I'm sorry, maybe it's the way I explain it? I'm not really being descriptive enough, perhaps? That's probably it, so I can take the responsibility for that, but please stop trying to pretend that you know what it's like, because you don't know what it's like. Instead of trying to relate to what I'm saying, please just say something like "Shit, that fucking sucks," because that would actually be much better.

So, yesterday Child 1's teacher told me that he was emotional in class. She said she'd never seen him cry like that before and just wanted me to know. I like her. Have I mentioned that? I like her, she's great. There wasn't much I could do with that information except try to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to talk to me, so I let it go. Then this morning, he was really upset when it was time to leave; he was crying and hugging me. He said he was scared of school and that was all he said. He stopped crying eventually and then just completely shut down. I could see it in his face, his mind was at a BART station so that it wouldn't have to be at school. If I were able, I would have kept him home today; he doesn't fake these things, he really is afraid of something at school, but I have back to back clients today (who are apparently paying me to blog instead of work. heh heh heh) and am unable to stay home. (seriously, I'm also reconciling a bank statement while I type this. No really).

What makes this experience different from "any other kid," is that he's not just keeping it from me, whatever's going on, it's that he can't tell me. He doesn't have the skills to translate what's going on in his beautiful head into words that I'll understand. He knows this, so instead he tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it, and at the moment I didn't have time to sit him down and try to extract a word here and there so I just had to send him off to school without knowing. It's possible that later tonight when things are quiet, I might be able to get a one word description of whatever the problem is, but I can't count on that happening, it's more likely that he'll just cry a lot, and shut down, and try to distract me with other things, and I may never know what's going on.

Not knowing is the worst thing, because my mind, of course, goes to the worst places, in particular, that the other kids are being mean to him; making fun of him, whatever it is that mean kids do on the yard when there aren't any adults around, and there never are. I want to just stop by there at recess and see what's going on, but that's no guarantee that I'll learn anything, plus I have clients who are paying me to blog and don't have time today. Fuck autism. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Oh, boy, SLEEP! That's where I'm a viking!!

It's such a cliche, the tired mom thing. We never get enough sleep, we're always on the move, the kids wake us up wanting stupid things like water and blankets and love; I feel silly sometimes, complaining about how tired I am, but MAN am I tired. I remember when I was pregnant with Child 1, I read the book Operating Instructions, and it started this three month long panic attack about how tired I was going to be and what a nightmare that would be, because I'm one of those people who need a lot of sleep, and I used to get it, before the children, and the image of this exhausted new mom in this book just completely put me over the edge.

So, how it works here is that we all go to bed in our own beds, and then during the night Child 1 will come in and climb into bed with us. But I can't sleep when he's there, so then I get up and go into his bed. This doesn't sound really all that bad, because I always go right back to sleep, except he always 1. LANDS really hard on the back of my legs or something thus jolting me awake in a total fucking panic and 2. always seems to come in the middle of a deep REM cycle, which is the worst time you could get woken up. This has been happening every night for 5 1/2 years now.

In the beginning, I was a total sleep nazi and he was the best sleeper EVER. He slept through the night at 3 weeks old, he was that good a sleeper. And I wish so much that I could play the autism card here, because kids with autism are notoriously bad sleepers, and even though I sometimes do when I explain this to people, the real problem here is bad parenting. Yeah, I pretty much did this to myself. So, he was the greatest sleeper ever, and my fears about being like whatsherface in the book never actually happened ... until we moved him out of the crib and into the big bed, when he was 3 and I was pregnant with Child 2. I was already not getting enough sleep, being ginormously pregnant, but once he got into the big bed, and realized he didn't actually have to stay in his bed if he didn't want to, is when he started coming into the room with us. At this point is where I should have taken control of the situation and trained him to go back into his room, but... no. I fucked that up, I guess, because now he's conditioned to climb out of his bed and come into ours the minute he first stirs. And I have no idea how to make this better, except just wait until he's older and doesn't want to come in anymore. I figure I only have about another 1 1/2 years, maybe 2, right? I mean, I've "lasted" this long, what's another couple of years....

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I present to you....

... the back/side of Child 2's head; feeding a horse. Or a goat. Or something. Enjoy! :)

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Dear Sitemeter: Why do you hate me?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

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I did another blog hop thingy

This one is called Mouthy Mamas and while I still have no idea what I'm doing, I can pretty much assure you that I am, in fact, mouthy. And a Mama. So it seemed like a good fit.

I'm going to copy and paste from The Mom Who Stayed Sober, but I'm pretty sure I'm still doing something wrong here...

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Good Morning lovelies!!!
And yup... it's time for the Mouthy Mamas Hop Too Meme!!
In case you didn't join us last week... here are our fabulous hostesses

OK now for our link - up rules... yeah, yeah we gotta have rules. Ya know why.. cuz there are a lot of dumbasses in the world... and some of them can find my site!!!

1. Follow ALL 4 hostesses.

2. Link up to our hop & tell your non-family friendly blogger friends!

3. This link up is for blogs rated PG-13 & UP ONLY!!! think NON-family friendly

(if you say Fuck one too many times.. you're NON-family friendly)

4. We're bitches (or at least I am, and YOU know it!)... we're gonna be checking out your sites!! don't make us delete your rainbow world and cupcake land rated G only asshat sites, YOU have a million of family friendly blog hops to choose from!

5. READ the blogs you follow... none of this.. 'follow me, i follow you' bullshit... i've got no time for commercials on TV OR the Internet peeps.

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I think there's some code I'm supposed to copy and put here but I can't figure out where to find it, so I'll just say: GO HERE AND ASK HER! SHE'S SMARTER THAN ME :)

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He's SO CUTE!!

Check out how Child 2 sleeps; he's under there somewhere, you can just barely make out his hand. HEE HEE HEE!!! HE'S ADORABLE!!!

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How to give your cat a pill in 20 easy steps

I would show you guys my scratches, but because of where they're located I, um... don't want to....

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL IN TWENTY EASY STEPS

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.

5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

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