Okay, anyway, my point is that I'm in need of a rant. My apologies in advance to the people I will no doubt piss off with what I'm about to say. You know I'm a nice person, generally supportive of everybody I know, right? Okay, just keep that in mind, then....
There are 2 things I can live the rest of my life without ever having to hear again:
1. "ALL kids do that!" and 2. "HA HA HA that sounds just like MY kid!"
I'm unclear on the motivation behind these words, when a parent of an NT kid, or a teacher who has no kids says them. I think maybe you're trying to make me feel more included in the world, but really, it just fucking pisses me off, because NO, not all kids do that, and I don't care how fucked up your NT kid happens to be, what I'm describing is nothing like what you've experienced. I'm sorry, maybe it's the way I explain it? I'm not really being descriptive enough, perhaps? That's probably it, so I can take the responsibility for that, but please stop trying to pretend that you know what it's like, because you don't know what it's like. Instead of trying to relate to what I'm saying, please just say something like "Shit, that fucking sucks," because that would actually be much better.
So, yesterday Child 1's teacher told me that he was emotional in class. She said she'd never seen him cry like that before and just wanted me to know. I like her. Have I mentioned that? I like her, she's great. There wasn't much I could do with that information except try to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to talk to me, so I let it go. Then this morning, he was really upset when it was time to leave; he was crying and hugging me. He said he was scared of school and that was all he said. He stopped crying eventually and then just completely shut down. I could see it in his face, his mind was at a BART station so that it wouldn't have to be at school. If I were able, I would have kept him home today; he doesn't fake these things, he really is afraid of something at school, but I have back to back clients today (who are apparently paying me to blog instead of work. heh heh heh) and am unable to stay home. (seriously, I'm also reconciling a bank statement while I type this. No really).
What makes this experience different from "any other kid," is that he's not just keeping it from me, whatever's going on, it's that he can't tell me. He doesn't have the skills to translate what's going on in his beautiful head into words that I'll understand. He knows this, so instead he tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it, and at the moment I didn't have time to sit him down and try to extract a word here and there so I just had to send him off to school without knowing. It's possible that later tonight when things are quiet, I might be able to get a one word description of whatever the problem is, but I can't count on that happening, it's more likely that he'll just cry a lot, and shut down, and try to distract me with other things, and I may never know what's going on.
Not knowing is the worst thing, because my mind, of course, goes to the worst places, in particular, that the other kids are being mean to him; making fun of him, whatever it is that mean kids do on the yard when there aren't any adults around, and there never are. I want to just stop by there at recess and see what's going on, but that's no guarantee that I'll learn anything, plus I have clients who are paying me to blog and don't have time today. Fuck autism. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!