xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: I am neurotic. TRUE STORY.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I am neurotic. TRUE STORY.

Back before we had kids, hubs used to point out what he called "The Parking Lot Grab." This is when you're driving in a parking lot, going about 1.25 MPH, and you see a mother suddenly GRAB her child right as you're about to drive by. It's a little offensive from the perspective of the person with no kids driving the car. I mean, seriously, lady, do you think I'm going to just fucking drive my car into your kid unless you snatch him away from me? You could walk faster than I'm driving, how much of a threat am I? AND I'm driving in a straight line, and not directly towards your child. So lighten up, dammit!

Yeah. Then I had my own kids and I learned what this Parking Lot Grab is really all about. (I actually sent my husband a text message the first time I ever did it. "I just did the parking lot grab!!!!!") I'm not necessarily concerned that you're going to drive your car into my kid, but I do know that as long as I have a hand on my child, no harm will come to him.

That's pretty stupid, but it's what neurotic parents think, apparently. I say "apparently" because I'm a neurotic parent and this is what I think. I always have to be holding their hands when we cross the street. Child 1 is going to be fucking 9 years old in a week and a half, he's not a runner, he doesn't need me holding his hand when he crosses the street. I need me holding his hand when he crosses the street, because if I'm not touching him.... what? A car will materialize out of nowhere and hit him? I don't even know what I'm thinking, all I know is that I have to be touching them in some manner until they're safely on the sidewalk again.

Yesterday I was walking home from school with Child 1 and 2 and C2's BFF and every time we crossed a street (there are about 7 crosswalks on our walk home) I, of course, had to be holding their hands, except there were three of them and I only have two hands, so I made two of them hold hands with each other. As if two 5 year olds holding hands are going to be protected from a car materializing out of nowhere? But since I had one of their hands, and that one had the other kid's hands, I guess the line of safety passed through the one kid and onto the next.

I know, I'm a fucking basketcase. But, I tell you these things so that you can laugh with me... not at me. I said WITH, motherfuckers!!

And what the hell do you mean "where the fuck have you been?" I TOLD you January was a busy month for Bookkeepers! Christ.....



19 comments:

sharon said...

I too am neurotic. My ASD kids is a runner.. And my favourite word, particularly after a few chardonnays, is fuck. I will be visiting again.

JennieB said...

Our main job is to make sure our kids survive every day, so I get it.

My son is a runner, so I definitely have to have a hand on him at all times. At school, the teachers walk him to me and I grab his other hand before they let go. It is my biggest paranoia about him and even when he's 9, and understands not to run away, I'm sure I'll still hold his hand.

Jean said...

That's not neurotic at all...I'm just waiting for evolution to catch up so we can grow three hands XXX

Life in the House That Asperger Built said...

I'm with Jean. I want a third hand too!

And I don't care where the fuck you've been. I missed you!

bbsmum said...

When we cross roads I nonchelantly put a hand on BB's coat because I'm not neurotic and obviously wouldn't dream of holding his hand but I like to be ready. Just in case. Not neurotic at all. Much.

Rebecca said...

Yep, I'm right there with you. I don't let the kids get out of the car until I come open their door and let them out while holding on to their hand. One kid in each hand. Also, if we are in Target or the grocery store, if they aren't in the cart (we've been known to grab two carts. One for the kids and one for the stuff)they hold our hands. Same for restaurants. Someone might run them over with their cart maybe? And waiter might be holding hot coffee and spill it on my kids?

All I know is that I'm crazy. My kids are almost 6 and almost 4. (The four year old IS kinda delayed so....think 2 1/2)

Apples and Autobots said...

I do that too, and I have FOUR kids, which means that one is on my hip, the NT eight year old is holding the 3 yr. old auti's hand, with her arm looped through mine that's holding the baby, and I've got a vice grip on the 8 yr. old autie (who is a runner). It's takes us longer to cross the parking lot than it does to do our shopping!

Getrealmommy said...

Better safe than sorry right? That's the motto anyway...

Not Just Another Mother Blogger! said...

I would like to _ub_cribe to your new_letter. The letter _ on my keyboard ha_ died, and I am very _ad.

Cheryl D. said...

I have missed you! I certainly wasn't laughing at you during this post. I can totally relate. My daughter, who's turning 7 next week is beginning to rebel against the parking lot hand-holding. If the parking lost is relatively empty, I let her. But I constantly quiz her saying, are there any cars coming? Look everywhere!

I joke that I wrap my daughter with bubble wrap. The fact that she has autism and can be spacey at times really doesn't help!

sharon said...

Forgot to add, my ASD guy, who is 2, also hates having his hand held, so it's a struggle to watch for oncoming danger whilst simultaneously wrangling with him across the road. So I bit the bullet some time back and bought one of those child reins. The sort I swore I would never put my child in.....until I had Harri.

Snarkobabble said...

Dude. I am so right there with you. Ever since I became a mom? I HAVE BEEN HAVING THE MOST HORRIFYING THOUGHTS GO THROUGH MY HEAD. Seriously. Like, where the hell did all of these things come from? Am I sick in the head? Since when did I have such a gory, sick imagination? It's intense.

pinkrunningshoes said...

Depending on the parking lot and whether or not they are wearing their listening ears I will let them walk next to me w/o holding my hand. BUT this is something I have consciously had to do. They also both know it is absolutely a privilege and if they so much as get 1/2 a beat behind they'll lose it. They also know that MY word is the final word on it. They are proving to me more and more to have the common sense we're trying to teach them to have. But there is a lot of me biting my tongue!

(none of my children are on the spectrum and I'm pretty sure if they were, or if L6's [suspected] ADD presented differently, I would do it differently).

tulpen said...

I always have to have a hand on mine in a parking lot (not a lot of crossing of streets in these parts).

Also? My rule, if I'm getting more than one kid out of the car; they have to keep a hand on the car until they have a hold of my hand.

If I don't have a hand on Owen, he drifts off, his eyes are never aiming in front of him, they're everywhere but. You'd think being DEAF he'd want to SEE where he's going. You'd THINK.

Dani G said...

yes, I have been wondering where the fuck you've been...
I do the parking lot grab, too. I also have been known to do the lick my thumb and wipe shit off the bird's face. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Verity said...

I still remember a before kids moment when my husband and I are driving through a neighborhood with narrow streets, not going terribly fast, but not too slow. All of a sudden, a kid with a ball was in front of us. We stopped, no one was hurt. Man, the glares from those parents - I can still feel them. I wanted to say, I'm a really nice person - I work with children! Fast forward to now - I always make sure the kids are within grabbing distance. Because I'm sure I could grab them and pull them to safety if a car materialized next to us.

@jencull said...

Is that considered neurotic? My son will be 9 in March and I still hold his hand crossing the road, and exactly like you, if I have 3 kids then they hold each others hands. Hmmmm, didn't know I was neurotic!! Can I get therapy now?? Jen

Ashley said...

It's my 4yo's fault that I'm neurotic. I probably woulda been anyways, but he IS a runner and he WILL run into traffic without a second thought or second glance at me screaming STOPSTOPSTOP. So when it comes to my NT 2yo who will stay right by my side, I'm neurotic because I have to have my hand on her, too. Oh well. I will admit that I judge harshly when I see parents who DON'T do the parking lot grab. =)

LilPixi said...

It's good to know you've only been absent due to bookkeeping. I was getting damn well concerned. *sigh of relief

I can't even imagine how I'm going to be with my own children. Poor things. I'm way overly protective of everyone.

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