xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: Before I had kids.....

Friday, January 28, 2011

Before I had kids.....

You know it's true that the only time in your entire life when you know absolutely everything there is to know about parenting is before you have kids. That's when you feel supremely confident in your parenting abilities and have no problem informing those who actually have kids exactly what they're doing wrong and what you would do if you were them. Then, of course, the kids come along and you realize what a fucking idiot you've been. Not only do you realize that you were actually completely clueless before the kids came, but now that they're here, you're STILL totally fucking clueless. It's amazing any of them manage to live past their first few weeks.  I remember once being at Safeway and watching a mom pull a container of formula off the shelf and silently judging the fuck out of her. "I would NEVER feed my kids formula. EWWW! GROSS!" I thought. One of these days I'll tell you guys about my double breastfeeding failures.


SHAMEFUL PARENTING STORIES INTERLUDE

Child 1: Once when he was around 18 months I was holding him on my arms which were outstretched, he was on his back looking up at me, and I was swinging him around by turning myself in circles. He was having a blast until I jiggled him the wrong way or something and he rolled right off my arms and onto the ground.

Child 2: In the very first hour that he was home from the hospital I had him on the changing table and I was cutting off the ankle bracelet the hospital put on him. I was using giant office scissors and cutting the band with the tip of the scissors and I didn't realize that one of his little toes was stuck in the other end of the blades. I snipped that band right off his ankle and the top layer of skin on his little toe right along with it.

END OF SHAMEFUL PARENTING STORIES INTERLUDE


Anyway, my actual point in all of this is to relay this lovely incident that happened the other day:

I stepped on something on the rug in the bedroom with my bare feet; it was cold and squishy. And BROWN. It was stuck between my toes and I reached down to get it out and I say to the hubs "Holy shit I hope this is a raisin" and I smelled it to make sure. I fucking smelled it. To make sure it was a raisin. And not a piece of poop.

Hubs started laughing at me. "Can you imagine ever doing that before you had kids?" I hadn't even thought about it, really; I just wanted to know what it was so I smelled it. But no fucking way in hell would I have ever done that before I had kids! Before kids I would have scraped my foot onto the trashcan so I didn't even have to touch it, much less pluck it out of my toes with my hands and bring it to my face. Now, I guess, it's just second nature for me to smell every cold, squishy brown thing that gets stuck between my toes. Just to be sure.

It was a raisin. Good thing I smelled it.

Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time I hit my kid over the head with a frying pan? Good times.



26 comments:

Kelly said...

ROFL! Perfect way to start my morning. I leave in a few minutes to take Big T for a blood draw, so I needed something to prep ME! Since hospitals frown upon mom's who smell like booze, especially at 7am, I thought I would read your blog. Glad I did!

And, I have banged my teen's head on a door jam while carrying her sleeping body off to bed. When she wondered why her head hurt the next morning, i lied and said she just must have slept on it wrong. Thank God she was only 4 at the time and believed my lying ass.

Christine Harling said...

ha ha! I would totally do that! With 3 kids and 2 dogs I could be stepping in ANYTHING

Big Daddy Autism said...

Before I had kids, I considered it child abuse if any parent plopped their kid in front of the TV for more than 5 minutes a day. Ha!

Before I had kids, if I had stepped on that unknown object I would raced to take a scalding hot shower and dowse my foot in rubbing alcohol. Now that brown object may actually sit in between my toes for several days before I even bother to pluck it out.

Bella @ If This is Motherhood said...

Before I had kids, we sat at the table and ate dinner. Now well, yeah, i am actually ashamed to tell you what dinner time looks like at my house. And even worse, ashamed to tell you what it tastes like!

Dani G said...

Thanks gd it was a raisin.
I was kind of a spoiled brat before I had the bird. Now my hands are covered in shit, piss, boogers all day long. Well, not ALL day long, like never when I'm touching my beloved MacBook.

Rebecca said...

That is so so so funny.

Jean said...

It's funny coz it's true XXX

JennyBeans said...

I'm so glad it was a raisin.

jillsmo said...

Yeah, me too!

MommyToTwoBoys said...

I know it isn't funny, but I was just laughing so hard at the interlude section I think I woke my kids!!! So honest.

The other day I hit my 2 year old in the store with a box of Alphabets cereal. Just a slight tap on the behind, but still I panicked, wondering if the store had cameras and if I would return home to find DCF there. They weren't. And now I'll think twice before beating my kids with cereal boxes in public.

kathie said...

The interlude section with the cutting off the band, omg! I did that too!!

Life in the House That Asperger Built said...

Hey! I hit Coleman in the head with a hair dryer! And accidentally banged it on a banister, and once he rolled right off the bed!

Feel better? :-)

Like you say...good times.

Lynn said...

Am I the only one not shocked that Big Daddy has shit between his toes?

jillsmo said...

That doesn't shock me, no.

Big Daddy Autism said...

At least I can see my toes. Shit! No I can't!

Mad Housewife said...

Pffttt, are you kidding me?! I knew everything before my kid and I know everything now! Yeah, I can't even say that with a straight face. Just be thankful for your sense of smell. I have no sense of smell so for all I know, I would have been stepping on a small turd.

Cheryl D. said...

Yeah, I've been known to smell squishy brown things. I'm not going to share what they mostly have been.

dysfunctionalsupermom.com said...

Am pretty sure I've dropped all of my kids at some point or another. However, in my defense, I KNOW I had good reasons for doing so.

I just can't remember what they are right now.

Kelley said...

So, so, so glad you linked up! It has been dingdang long since I've been to your blog. It is pathetic. I am the sorriest blog reader ever known to man (and man has know a lot of blog readers). This makes me feel much beter! I would definitely put a possible piece of poop to my nose to make sure it was a raisin, or vice versa. What's wrong with us?

Anna at www.mylifeandkids.com said...

SO FUNNY! Thanks so much for linking up - very glad to have found your blog! I'm your newest follower!

Sparkling said...

Very great! If the kids was 18 days and your rolled him off your arms, I'd raise my eyebrows but 18 months? He probably LOVED every second!

Kimberly said...

Truthfully, I wing it every day..I'm an awesome
Mom like that.
I would never smell anything...I'd make the husband do it...cause I'm also a good wife like that.

Anna at www.mylifeandkids.com said...

You were one of the most popular posts at last week's #findingthefunny party. We're featuring you tomorrow!
Anna

Nicole said...

Yes! I smell it all, baby. I need to know if it's poo because it might have poo friends that I will want to seek out and also pick up with my bare hands and sniff.

Nicole said...

Yes! I smell it all, baby. I need to know if it's poo because it might have poo friends that I will want to seek out and also pick up with my bare hands and sniff.

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

I'm pretty sure I would have smelled it. Which brings up serious concerns of what I'll do after I have kids!

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