The Cake of Angels

EDIT: If you live in an area without a Trader Joe's and you want to try this divine creation, email me your address and I'll send you a box.


Some of you may be aware of my recent pound cake fiasco. It was quite the adventure, I'll tell you that. This, of course, has pretty much turned me off from doing any baking from scratch, like, ever ever again in my entire life. But honestly? I'm okay with that. Because all you have to do is set one foot inside my house, smell the cat pee, and you're immediately made very much aware that I am no Martha Stewart.

So, I was in Trader Joe's the other day (have I mentioned that I live 3 blocks from a Trader Joe's? And that I love Trader Joe's? And that I go there a lot?) and I spotted this rather innocent looking box of what appeared to be some benign version of pound cake.

Ahhhh... yes! Vanilla cake and baking mix! With Natural Flavors! Indeed! Oh, and I see it's made with Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla flavor. I'm sure those flavors are rather delightful when mixed together and baked. I shall try this innocent looking product!

So, I get the shit home, and then I look at what the necessary other ingredients are to mix said Vanilla Cake & Baking Mix

Oh! Oh... my. An entire stick of butter? For just one 8x8x2 pan? That's, um..... actually.... quite a bit of butter. Quite. A bit. Well, I've started the process, let's get this Vanilla Cake & Baking Mix train rolling, shall we? I'm sure the kids will like it, so I'll let them have it all and that way I won't get very much of it.

The cake is baked and emerges from the oven.

It is very innocent looking, as you would expect. Just another pound-type cake, like any other pound-type cake one might find in their oven after having put it in their oven and baked it at 350 for 40-43 minutes. I let it cool, and then... I try some.....

This mixture.... this glorious concoction of mostly butter... is, without question, one of the greatest food items I have ever had the pleasure of putting into my mouth at any point in my entire life. Oh, god.... that vanilla flavor.... and it's so light... and airy.... and fluffy..... and OHMYGOD it tastes like butter, but not butter.... butter that has been blessed by angels.  I want to marry this cake. I want to spend the rest of my life with it. I would, possibly, even kill for this cake. No way are my kids getting their damn dirty hands on this, the Cake of Angels. This is my cake. MINE.

And then, of course, I force myself to look at the other side of the box... which I really should have done before I decided to buy the damn thing....

As Child 2 would say: "Oh, man. That's awkward."

Oh, god. I must eat it all. Now. I must eat it all now. Oh, god! I can never ever ever buy this cake ever ever again. 

I ended up giving some to the kids, who loved it, of course, but not as much as I did... and then I seriously had to throw the rest of it away. There was no way I could sleep in the house knowing that this, my Cake of Angels, lay in its 8x8x2 pan in my kitchen. Just sitting there. Waiting for me to come down and find it. Find it... and put it away.

I never bought it again, but sometimes, when it's late at night, and I didn't really have very much sugar during the day.... it comes to me... and I look up and I can see it! And oh, beautiful joy of reunion!!! And then it whispers in my ear..... "Jill. Why hast thou forsaken me? Please make me again... Jill... I love you, Jill...."

"Please... make me again.... please.... Jill.... Jill.... make me again...."

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