Dear Bitchy Mom at the Park Today:
It seems that when you chose this particular location for your darling child's birthday festivities you did not completely think it through. You see, at public parks, on Saturday afternoons, on sunny days, there tend to be kids playing; and despite the fact that these children were not invited to your child's party, they are still, in fact, in the area.
We were able to figure out, pretty early on, that your child's name is Aidan (because, well, what child isn't named Aidan in Berkeley, right?) due to the fact that you had no problem having a loud, curse-filled discussion on your bluetooth headset, while facing the part of the park where we were (I guess so Aidan couldn't hear you? good thinking, you should protect him from that kind of language, I completely agree. We were also able to figure out that apparently it's inappropriate to RSVP for your child's party with just a text message, and such a faux pas should be punished in the harshest possible way). We then watched as the truck carrying the 25 foot bouncy castle arrived and men started setting it up. Being an adult, I easily surmised that my kid or his friend were not going to be sharing in these festivities so I started prepping them for this eventuality in advance. I mean, there's no social rule that says you have to let strange kids into your bouncy castle just because they're there; it's Aidan's party, after all. Being 5 year old kids, however, my son and his friend had some trouble with the concept and they still went over to investigate the scene. Perfectly understandable, right?
When you started yelling at my kid and his friend "HEY DON'T TOUCH THOSE BALLOONS, THEY'RE FOR DECORATION" I figured it was time for me to amble over and maybe do some damage control, if necessary. "She said we couldn't go in there," they told me, pointing to the enormous bouncy castle that contained about 10 kids having the time of their lives. "Remember how I said you guys weren't invited to this party?" I asked. "But Aidan said it was okay," they reported. Apparently they'd already had this discussion with your son who informed them it was perfectly fine with him if they went inside. Ahhh, to be young and innocent again, right? I thought quickly, though, and figured out the nicest and most child-friendly way to let them know that even though Aidan was cool, his mom was a control freak bitch who was never going to let some strange kids into her precious child's beautiful, perfect party. Don't worry, I was cool, they'll never know the truth about you. And when we left the park shortly afterward (we didn't really have a choice, did we?) I thought about poor Aidan, growing up with a mom like you. He may be cool now, but I'm sure you'll manage to somehow beat that out of him eventually.
In closing, next time please set the fucking thing up in your yard at home. I have a feeling you have the room for it.
Very truly yours,