Spotted in Berkeley: Sour Mash Hug Band

That instrument she's playing is called a Washtub Bass, which is literally just a bucket, a pole and some rope. AMAZING!!!!

I saw these guys playing at the Farmer's Market earlier today, and they are AWESOME. I didn't have enough money to buy a CD but I found them all over YouTube. I guess you have to like this kind of music, which I fortunately do, but even so... they are amazingly talented. I've always wanted to be in a band that plays on street corners and Farmer's Markets or inside BART stations. How awesome would that be?

Here something I found on YouTube:

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Song of the Day: What Light

I heard this song while listening to my collection on shuffle, and I thought it was Bob Dylan. I'm not sure what that says about me.... or Bob Dylan... or Wilco... yet here we are. (Was Bob Dylan the original hipster?)

Anyway, I think the message in this song is a lesson we all need to remember, and it doesn't matter who we are... either special needs parents or single people. You have to be strong for yourself before you can be strong for somebody else.

I try to remind myself of that, anyway....




What Light
Wilco

If you feel like singing a song
And you want other people to sing along
Just sing what you feel
Don’t let anyone say it’s wrong

And if you’re trying to paint a picture
But you’re not sure which colors belong
Just paint what you see
Don’t let anyone say it’s wrong

And if you’re strung out like a kite
Or stung awake in the night
It’s alright to be frightened

When there’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)
There’s a light (white light)
Inside of you

If you think you might need somebody
To pick you up when you drag
Don’t lose sight of yourself
Don’t let anyone change your bag

And if the whole world’s singing your songs
And all of your paintings have been hung
Just remember what was yours is everyone’s from now on

And that’s not wrong or right
But you can struggle with it all you like
You'll only get uptight

Because there’s a light (what light)
There’s a light (one light)
ETC

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Dearly Beloved, We Are Gathered Together Today...

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, three bloggers together, to address a serious issue that has become so commonplace throughout social media for special needs parents and the special needs community as a whole, we aren't shocked when it happens anymore. Please welcome Jill from Yeah. Good Times., Lisa, the Yuckmouth Mommy from 7 Yuckmouths and Autism, and Caryn, from Living with Logan. This post will go live simultaneously on all three sites today, because we are united in our desire to get the word out. Please help us in this effort, and pass it along.

The issue, as you may have guessed, is the frequency with which the special needs community is getting scammed through false organizations and individuals, who prey on our desire to help our children. We've put together a little dialogue that we hope will be helpful in learning to protect ourselves as thoroughly as we protect our children. The truth of the matter is this: if we don't protect ourselves, no one else will. Each comment will be followed by the initials of the author, and we welcome comments and questions from all. Please be respectful in your comments, or they will be deleted. There is enough drama and cat fighting. We don't need more.

And now, welcome to our conversation!

1.  Do you think the Special Needs Parenting Community as a whole is vulnerable to cyber scammers?

Yes, I do. I think we are easily targeted for a number of reasons. We are fighters. We are strong. We have to be so, to advocate for our children. People desiring to scam us love this attribute, because they don’t have to teach us to work toward the goal. We are focused, as every parent is, in getting whatever our child/children needs. We hit so many dead ends, we are told “No” so many times in so many different ways that we love it when someone says yes. There is a veritable target on our backs. I don’t mean that we are stupid. Certainly we are not. We are intelligent, we work hard, and we fight for what we believe in. And, let’s face it, people. We like to talk. If we find something we think is awesome for our kids, it’s all over the twitter and the facebook the very same day. What scammer wouldn’t love any of that?! Not only that, those of us that blog are only too happy to blog about our good fortune, because we want others to benefit as well. This is a win/win for a scammer. People who will promote online, at their own expense of time and effort, with no cost to the scammer but one or two iPads or a couple of apps, and then they never have to make good again. They already have all the good exposure they need. It’s scary how easy we have made it for the slime balls of the internet. CH

2.  What are some “red flags” that somebody might be scamming you?

Generally, I follow the “if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is” rule. Someone asking you for money when offering a “free” product or service such as purchasing a raffle ticket or forking over a nominal fee to “keep your reservation valid” is a sign of a scam. Likewise, someone asking you to write a blog post, collect donations, or generate votes to qualify your child for a free service dog, for instance, is a sign of a scam. CH

Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right to you, it’s likely that it isn’t, so ask questions. Who are these people? Where are they located? Do they have any other sources of funding? Do they have (valid) testimonials and references? A huge red flag is if you ask direct questions and consistently do not get direct answers. If they can’t provide you with valid financial information, or they refuse to provide any personally identifiable information about themselves: be careful. Scammers are like politicians; they will talk around the issue, touching on their key “talking points,” but they will rarely ever actually answer your question directly. A reputable organization will be easily able to provide you with whatever you need to know to prove their validity. Jill

Also, anybody who requires any money from you, in any form (i.e. directly from you, solicited by you, etc.) before you can proceed with an application process is definitely scamming you. Trustworthy organizations will not require that you pay to complete an application process. Jill

3.  How can you protect yourself?

I’m sorry, but someone offering a “free” iPad or service dog or therapy or miracle “cure” for autism just doesn’t ring like the real deal to me. I’m a BIG believer in doing my homework. Read the fine print. What strings are attached? What commitments are they asking from you? Are they registered as a 501 3(c)? If so, have they been reported at any time in any way? Are they registered with the BBB? Is it a company, foundation, or individual? Are they based in your country or somewhere you’ve never heard of in Bangladesh? Do they offer transparency if they are a donation based company? Will they provide statements to anyone who asks? Are the founders or other officials easily accessible to their followers by chat, message board, email, facebook, twitter, or corporate phone number? Is there a message board/review panel of any kind for feedback from people who have worked with this person or company in the past? Does the person or company bash other similar entities regularly? These are questions you should ask yourself before becoming involved with ANY internet based company or foundation. CH

4.  What to do when you have already been scammed, or private info has been published on social networking sites?

There are many ways to protect yourself on facebook and twitter. Both sites have very firm TOS (Terms Of Service) in place to protect their users, its just a matter of finding where to do all of this. LG

First you can report any and all comments you feel are attacking you in any way. You need to make sure that you first screen shot for proof later because once a comment or post is reported it is removed. I find it much easier to watch a video of what I should be doing and this google search has all the info for how to screen shot on various devices. LG

On twitter there is a way to report people twitter has a really handy page that is clear as how to report a number of violations of their TOS. In addition you have to give them the url to the post so make sure you click on details in the tweet, that will open to a new page and give you the url to give to twitter. LG

On Facebook you can find out lots about your account in your general account setting tab. From there click on security settings. On that page is a wealth of info in regards to what, when and who has had access to your account that you may not have known about. LG

From that page it is easy to click on the help button towards the bottom of the page, there you can report violations from harassment, to copyright infringement, and intellectual property infringement. Because even as a fan page you have rights on facebook just like everyone else. LG

For more information on cyber crimes, how to report them, and definitions of cyber crimes, please visit the following websites:

Cyberstalking: What it is and what you can do as a victim

Computer Crime and Intellectual Property Section of the United States Department of Justice

What Are Your Legal Rights?

Image in this post from Google images

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Johnson's body care, take me away....

It was Tuesday morning and it was of those days.

You know those days.

My house was a gigantic fucking nightmare, there was crap everywhere, sometimes literally, it smelled like a goddamn litterbox and there were piles of laundry in random places and underwear seemingly everywhere. You know that Simpsons episode where Marge gets up in the morning and keeps finding underwear all over her house? And she walks through picking them up saying "underwear.... underwear.... more underwear...." and she finds them in the freezer and such? It was like that. (Actually, sometimes I feel like my entire life is like that scene. I've been trying to find a clip of that on YouTube and haven't been successful, but if you saw it, trust me, you would laugh.)

So there was laundry and underwear everywhere.... and..... it was the little things. The little things that kept happening.... you know... little. fucking. things. For example, there was this plate of cat food in the middle of the floor in the kitchen that I kept stepping on; squishy cat food..... with my bare feet. And somebody had spilled a glass of water on the carpet, and I was apparently unable to walk across the room without stepping in said wet spot.... with my bare feet (at least it washed off the squishy cat food?) And the really long easel paper that Child 1 likes to spread out in the front room and draw BART tracks on had been attacked by cats the night before and, um... well, they did bad things to it. And I was trying to get everybody ready for school, but I couldn't even walk because there were cats constantly circling around my ankles (I call it "Constant Cat").

For some reason, Child 2 always manages to find some reason to melt down right before we're about to walk out the door. It never fails, in fact, I don't think we've had a single day this whole school year where he hasn't been crying about something as he gets in the car. I've tried many different ways to figure out how to make this not happen, but I guess he is determined to be crying as he walks out the door every fucking day; always making us late, of course. And Child 1 was in this weird trance, probably because his BART drawings had been fouled by cats the night before, so it was really hard to get the two of them to put their shoes on and get out the door. (Oh, and BY THE WAY, judgey fucking Berkeley parents? YES. I drive my kids the 6 fucking blocks to school every morning. That's right, I see you on your fucking bikes giving me the stink eye because you know how close I live and am still driving by you. My mornings are fucking hard enough and driving my kids instead of dragging them the 6 blocks to school makes my life just a teeny, tiny bit easer, so I'm going to fucking do it. I don't care what you think about me and I certainly don't care if it's bad for the planet. FUCK THE PLANET)

Here, I drew it for you:

The breaking point came when I was trying to microwave my breakfast, but the glass tray that turns the food around while it cooks simply refused to fit in into the little hole dealie that it goes into, which meant I couldn't heat up my food until that fucking thing got in there. I snapped and SCREAMED "GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and started banging the glass thingy against the bottom of the microwave. Poor hubs comes running out of the bedroom upstairs to say "oh my god are you okay??" and I was like this

SORRY HUBS!!

Okay, so I finally get the kids off to school and I head over to my client. I get there, and she's standing on the street with some police officers, because her studio has been broken into. Again. She runs an art studio for kids and for some reason people really like to break down her front door. I don't know why. She's really cool and was obviously very distraught, considering that pieces of wood and door hardware were literally halfway across the room. So I was like... seriously, Today? WTF is wrong with you?? Do you just have it in for everybody??? and I head into her office in the back to get my work done.

I sit down at her desk and am greeting by this:

... and I just started laughing my ass off, because..... seriously? Help me unwind and feel at ease? Do you think the lotion has that kind of power? Will it erase the shitty morning I just had? Will it melt all my stress away with its lavender and chamomile powers? I bet it smells GOOD, though.

It actually did smell good, and I happily moisturized my hands with it, and while it seemed to lack sufficient power to actually "melt" away my stress, I was allowed a lovely chuckle at its presumptuousness. So, thank you, Johnson's Body Care, you actually semi-succeeded with your lame marketing attempt, and you made my day just a little bit better.

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I hope you all read my guest post yesterday, over at AutismWonderland. If not... FUCKING GO!!!!!

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"All Kids Do That" Part 3: Hating school

See the tab above for more information about this series.

Today's contribution is from Jen, who blogs at Living Life With a Side of Autism. I can really relate to this one....

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Every Kid Hates School!!!

It's true. Most kids, at one point or another during the first 18 years of life, mutter, scream or moan these three words: I hate school. You have to go sit behind a desk for 6+ hours each day, and listen to boring teachers give boring lectures on topics that literally make you want to remove your brain from your head, and ease into a gentle zombie-like sleep.

As unappealing as the educational aspects of school are, though, you have to admit there were some pretty good times. Best friends (I can remember mine from Kindergarten, even!), birthday parties, sports (not so much for me, but I am sure some of you can actually catch a ball without using your face), and other hobbies and activities that made dragging your butt out of bed before the break of dawn not a total tragedy.

But, what if all the fun things about going to school didn't exist? What if you didn't have a friends, let alone a best friend? What if you didn't get invited to parties, and were so overstimulated playing sports that gym (and all other physical activities) were a total nightmare? What if you couldn't handle the anxiety of the day, and had crying/screaming meltdowns in front of your classmates? (what if you hit your classmates?) What if the cafeteria was too loud, so you had to eat lunch alone, with just an aide? And getting back to the educational part every kid hates, what if you actually had trouble with something like reading comprehension, and you hated doing your work because you didn't get it, not just because there were 1000 others things you would rather be doing? (and what if you were so inflexible that even if someone did try to help you, the knowledge you can't do something perfectly sends you into a tailspin?) These are just a few things Katie deals with on a daily basis that make school hard.

And what if people just didn't understand how to help you, or thought you had total control over your emotions and feelings, so instead of being helped you were punished? What if you were just a little kid, so scared about entering the building, you bolted at drop off, trying to run home.

My daughter turns 8 today, and she has Autism. She hates school, but not like every other kid hates school. All of the things I listed above, the things that don't exist in her world-close friends, party invitations, the ability to manage anxiety or have any emotional regulation at all-they are what make school a hellish nightmare. Every day it is like sending a lamb off to slaughter. I have no idea how to help her, and the only thing she is able to tell me is "I hate school", or, even better, "I hate my life". No specifics. No idea about what exactly is bothering her so I can formulate a plan to help. We can guess, but we don't ever truly know.

I get told a lot that the things Katie does or says are typical of every child. To some extent that is true. But it is important to realize, for Katie, it's just not the same. And that she isn't a bad kid, and that I am not a bad parent. I fight every day to make her life easier, and to feel less like I am making it worse by sending her to class.

I will say this, 2nd grade, thus far, has been far better than any previous year. We are finally working with a team leader who gets it. Who is bending over backwards to help Katie. Who genuinely wants to see my child happy, and who knows that she is not. Like I said, Katie is 8 today, and has been in the public school system since she turned 3. This is the first year someone other than us seemed to care about her, as more than just a number. This woman has been a gift, and I wish she could stay with us forever. It worries me that she won't.

I know it feels like the right thing to say to a parent whose child has special needs, that every kid acts like that, or says those things, or feels this way. We get that people are trying to make us feel better, but what would really make me feel better is the acknowledgment that things are not the same. That our struggles run much deeper than those with a typical child. I don't want your pity, but I also don't want someone telling me that all kids are like that, and it's perfectly normal. Trust me, that couldn't be further from the truth.

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Ahhhhh, that's so much better

Before I get started with the rambling I'd just like to call your attention to my post title and tell you that you should be reading it with this in your head:





You? ARE WELCOME.

Child 1 is back to being himself and I'm so very very happy about that. On Friday after school is was like he had snapped out of it (in case you have no freakin idea what I'm talking about) and was smiling and laughing again. But I was afraid that it would all go back to the way it was before when school started again this week but it totally didn't. HE'S BACK! MY BABY IS BACK!!!

All last week it was like there was a lead weight lying on my heart (and I subsequently broke my New Year's resolution, but that's okay. I forgive myself. Today is another day. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Don't cry over spilt milk. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse. Hindsight is 20/20. A stitch in time saves nine. etc. etc.) He hadn't even been stimming, he was so depressed. I didn't even realize that until the entire house was once again shaking with his running back and forth on Friday afternoon, and MAN was that a beautiful sound.

So, much like Peter in the above video, the pressure has been released; there is no more buildup of steam that needs to be set free. The lead weight is lifted.

Much better. 

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Text conversations with the Hubs

Yesterday I went to Trader Joe's while Hubs stayed in bed with the boys. I went for a bunch of stuff but my most important mission was to get strawberries for a very cranky Child 2. Here is the text conversation we had while I was there:


Me: There are no strawberries

Hubs: I have relayed the bad news.

Hubs: Child 2 says you have to go somewhere that has strawberries.

Me: Oh does he?

Hubs: Yes he does, although he didn't say it so much as whine it.

Me: Ask him what his second choice is.

Hubs: 2nd choice is strawberries. Also his 3rd choice is strawberries.

Me: I'm getting grapes.

Hubs: He whined "OK" on the grapes.

Me: I think I'll blog this conversation.

Hubs: Cranky boy will suffer the wrath of Daddy.

Me: Oh, I'm definitely going to blog about this.

Me: Okay, I'm done, do you need anything else?

Hubs: A beej?

Me: I'll ask.

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"All Kids Do That" Part 2: Doctor Visits

This series continues, as promised! I've added a new tab up at the top which explains what I'm doing here and all that.

Today I'm happy to welcome Becky, who blogs at Defining "Normal", who is not only our first contributor to this series in the new year, but who has been very helpful to me in my organizational difficulties trying to make this series happen. You don't need to know the details, let's just all be thankful to Becky for being cool. Thank you, Becky!!!

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This summer, my husband and I made an appointment for Katie at the eye doctor. I prepped her as to what was going to happen (mainly the eye drop portion of it.) I explained at length WHY those things would need to happen. I also really emphasized that she HAD to allow the doctors and assistants to do their jobs. She stated she understood. She was actually excited about going to the eye doctor. She was thrilled when we got there and went around looking at the glasses trying to pick out which ones she would have. She told me she wanted some that were yellow with purple flowers. Thank God they don’t make any that look like that!

We got into the examination room and she did great looking through all the various devices and doing what she was told. Then came time for the eye drops. I had attempted to prepare the staff about Katie. When I called to make the appointment I had told them that she has autism and that she does not like having her face/head messed with. I TOLD them that putting in the eye drops to dilate her eyes was going to be an issue. “Oh don’t worry, we deal with children all the time.” Well, you haven’t dealt with MY kid. When we arrived at the appointment, I reminded them, “My daughter has autism and she doesn’t like having her face messed with. The eye drops are going to be a problem.” Again, “Oh, don’t worry, we deal with children all the time.” *sigh* When it came time for the eye drops, I told the assistant, “Katie has autism. She does not like having her face messed with. This is going to be a challenge.” “Oh, it will be fine. I work with kids all the time.” What happened next was straight out of a time passed where they tortured patients at hospitals… They laid her back in the chair and I could see her beginning to panic. Then, the assistant came to stand over her and tried talking to her. The hands came up to the face and the yelling/crying began. Katie is a very vocal and verbal child. She is FULLY capable of relating to those around her how much she dislikes a situation, and she did just that. I stood back and watched in absolute horror/vindication. I tried to tell them! I mostly stood by to see the man struggle with the situation, but I finally took pity on him and I went over to help by holding her hands down. I told her over and over again, “Let the man do his job. You need to have these eye drops to make sure your eyes are healthy.” All the while getting louder and louder. She was also getting louder and louder. I can only imagine what the people in the other exam rooms were thinking. Now, since her hands were pinned down, she scrunched her eyes up. The poor man (kid really) tried to get the drops in. He had us go out to the waiting room while the drops did their stuff. Poor Katie was all red from crying and she was all sweaty from the stress the whole situation had caused her. But, she was happy to be done with it all and enjoyed looking at all the glasses. After about twenty minutes, the man (kid) came back to check her eyes… We had to try the drops again. The first go round didn’t take. *FUCK*

This time, when we went in to the room, I explained to Katie that we had to do the drops again because she fought so hard the first time, they didn’t get into her eyes. Panic immediately set in. Poor kiddo almost hyperventilated. The poor man came back in looking absolutely worn out before we even began and I could tell he was dreading this whole repeat experience. This time, I practically laid on top of Katie pinning her arms at her sides and used my hands to wedge her head still and pry open her eyes. She screamed like I was killing her. At the end of it all, the man looked at me wide eyed and apologized. A lot. Hopefully, he learned something from this. I’m sure he will remember it. I know that Katie and I will.

This is not something that Katie will just grow out of. She has an absolute dislike of these types of things. It is complete sensory overload for her. Yes, she will learn to cope with it, but this kind of stuff is ALWAYS going to be a challenge for her. Even though she knows having her ears cleaned and her earrings changed doesn’t hurt. Even though she WANTS it done, it is a huge source of stress for her, yet she doesn’t want to give up her pierced ears. “Normal” kids may have issues like this the first time or two it happens, but eventually they get over it. Ours won’t.

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If it seems too good to be true, it probably is

There have been a few controversies in the past few weeks that I've been following; they involve people claiming to represent reputable organizations that give things to families with autistic children. (I'm not going to mention any specifics because people like this tend to be litigious.)

The premise is the same, though: An organization says "we'll give you something for free to help your autistic child," and you think "wow! That's the best thing ever!" But then it turns out that they're just frauds and cheaters and you not only have lost your money or your time or whatever it was you gave them, you have also lost the hope that you had for the thing that was probably going to make all the difference for your child. The thing that you wish more than anything you could have, but it's just so damn expensive. This person came along and told you you could have it for free, but it turned out that they were liars. It's not fair. It's horrible. It sucks.

This is just my reminder to all the special needs families out there who are broke and desperate and pushed to their limits: people will take advantage of your need. People don't care that you're stressed beyond belief and have no money or time and you just want that thing that will make your kid's life a little easier. They just want your money; they don't care about your kid. It's hard for me to even believe that people like this exist, but they do. They do.

I would warn you to do your research before you make any commitments, but you probably don't have the time for that. While that's good advice, my biggest warning is that if somebody comes along with something that seems too good to be true? It probably is. Try not to get your hopes up, no matter how hard that is, because lost hope is so much worse than lost money or time.

And remember: there's a huge community of honest people out there who will have your back; don't be afraid to ask for help.

Related: Here is a good example of how people can be honest and good.

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Things I Find In My House 12

uhhhhh..... doesn't somebody need that somewhere.... or something /

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Angst, ennui, desolation and other words I found in a thesaurus

Child 1 is depressed. He had an awesome winter break; I can't remember the last time I saw him so happy. There was no school, no schedule, he could do whatever he wanted and wherever he wanted, he got to ride BART all the time, he went sledding in the snow, it was fan-fricking-tastic.

Now he's back at school and he's really sad. It's awful. I haven't seen him smile since Sunday, I think. He's pale; he looks horrible. I try to talk to him and he tells me to "go away." Yesterday he literally pushed me away. I ask him if he's sad and he says "I don't want to talk about it." I ask him if he's happy and he says "no." Then he tells me to go away. I'm not even allowed in his room.

Probably the greatest gift I have received from this blogging thing is having become friends with adult autistics, who can (do their best to) help me understand what's going on in his head, because they've been there, too, for the most part. (I call them "Rachel and the Two Emilies." Okay, that's what I call them now. What happened to Laura, though? I miss her.) I can't remember which Emily once commented here that she always hated when her parents would constantly ask her what was wrong, because she couldn't tell them and yet they kept asking, and ever since she told me that I have stopped asking; stopped asking constantly, anyway. I have this problem, you see, and that's I'm really bad at not knowing stuff. If there's some piece of information that I know is out there, I want it. I want to know, good or bad, I want to know what it is. But I can't know, in this case, so I need to stop asking him. I need to leave him alone and just not know.

It's fucking killing me.

I hate this; I hate this, I HATE THIS!! I want to fix it... but I can't. Even if he told me "I'm sad because I hate school so very very much," there would still be nothing I could do to fix it, but at least I would know. I wouldn't be playing this constant guessing game; thinking that I know what the deal is and hoping that I'm right. But there's nothing I can do. I'm totally helpless. I HATE THIS.

I've been thinking lately about how raising your children is about making them be farther away from you. When they're babies, you know about every poop, every pee, everything they eat, every time they smile... and the older they get, the less you get to know these things, and that's apparently the mark of good parenting. That you know nothing about what they're doing and thinking and you just have to hope that one day they'll come back to you. I'm constantly fighting the urge to grab them up and run home with them to safety. But that's not what I'm supposed to do, as a "good" parent; I'm supposed to let them make their own way and hope that I've given them enough skills and self confidence so that they can do it.

Fuck that. Seriously. My baby is sad! I want to know why! Maybe I can fix it? Surely there's something I can do to help?? But he doesn't want to tell me, and I know that he hates it when I ask, so all I can do is sit here helplessly, waiting for him to smile again, which might be on Friday after school. I hope.

Stupid autism. :(

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Just in case you thought today's post wouldn't be even a little bit funny, here is a haiku that I wrote last night while seriously under the influence of muscle relaxers (which work really well, by the way, my back is much better). I actually considered making it today's post, but that's really pathetic; even for me!


Brain no worky good
Can't make fingers do blog post
Okay, Jill sleep now

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These are some things they don't tell you

Child 2 is going to be 7 in July; this means I haven't been pregnant for 6 1/2 years (see what I just did there? I know, you're blown away by my math skills, but it's okay. I am, literally, a professional, so don't try this at home, kids!) For those of you who have never been pregnant, although I'd be willing to bet that's only about 1% of you who are reading this, the body undergoes a number of "changes" during pregnancy, in addition to the obvious baby growing thing, and sometimes those changes can be rather creative, in that they have absolutely fucking nothing to do with growing a baby. Sure, you're expecting that your ass and your boobs will grow to alarming proportions, but Restless Leg Syndrome? WTF does that have to do with pregnancy?

The worst part, though is what they really don't tell you in those books about what you're supposed to be expecting during this glorious time is that a lot of this shit never goes away. Yes, that's right, that pregnancy induced Bells Palsy you acquired 10 years ago? That shit'll last a lifetime, it will.

6 1/2 years I haven't been pregnant now. 6 1/2 years and I'm still dealing with my stupid body's pregnancy "changes." Please. Let me tell you about them.....

1. When I was preggo with Child 2 I developed "pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome." Basically, for 6 months, the thumb on my left hand was completely numb. The whole time. On a good day. The rest of the time my thumb and index finger were tingling and painful. I would wake up in the night with my entire hand asleep, so I started wearing this fancy wrist brace at night. That was annoying, and I was having enough trouble sleeping what with the enormous fucking baby I was growing, so I eventually just said fuck it to the fancy wrist brace and suffered through it. I finally got the feeling back in my thumb about 3 months post partum, however about once a year since then, it will randomly come back for no reason that I can figure, last a month or so and then randomly go away for also no reason I can figure. I will also wake up in the middle of the night with my hand completely asleep. It's happening right now. I'm wearing the fancy wrist brace again. :(

2. It's to be expected that when you have an enormous growth pressing on your bladder and cervix from the inside, and then when you shove said growth out of your glory hole, you're going to pee a little bit at unwanted time. Unwanted meaning laughing, coughing, sneezing.... breathing. Times like that. What is NOT to be expected is that this shit is still happening 6 1/2 years later!!! I've trained myself very well to CROSS MY LEGS when I feel a sneeze or a cough coming on, but I'm not always able to. Like that time I sneezed while I was getting out of my car and I had to get back in my car, drive home and change my pants. :(

3. I'll put this one simply: Before children my feet were a size 9. After children my feet are a size 10.

4. When I was preggo with Child 1, I don't know exactly how it happened but at some point I turned wrong or something and this spot on my back totally seized up. It was horrible. I was so fucking front heavy, so it makes sense, but it made walking and sometimes talking pretty much impossible. I'd be standing there having a conversation and suddenly I wouldHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN get this horrible back spasmmmMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMM and make these crazy sounds because it just hurt so fucking much. Luckily (?) I ended up on bedrest the last 5 weeks, and nothing will fix an aching back more than 5 weeks of lying on your left side, amiright??? Pregnancy #2 came and went with no back issues, and then about 3 years ago.... SEVEN years after it first happened... I was vacuuming... fucking vacuuming... and the exact same spot seized up producing the exact same resultsHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. I went to my doc and got some yummy pills because I didn't have the luxury of staying confined to my bed, and it eventually went away after about 2 weeks. The other night, though? I was filling up the bath for Child 2 and suddenly..... HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, thus inspiring this post. Good thing I still had some of those pills left over....

So, it's basically like this...

(I feel it's important to add at this point that I am currently full of muscle relaxers, not to mention covered in Ben Gay, so if it seems like this post came to a sudden end, um....... *drool* At least I thought ahead and drew those pictures for you earlier!! zzzzzzzzz)

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I love my online friends

I have the best online friends in the world. In fact, with a few exceptions, my online friends are better friends to me than pretty much anybody I can have a conversation with over coffee. (Exceptions: Cathryn, Lizzie and Emily. I want to mention their names, even though probably none of them will read this. Hubs doesn't count since he's required by law to be my friend).

If I go more than a few days without hearing from some of my online friends, I start missing them. How can you miss somebody you've never actually met? And there are people I have met whom I haven't heard from for months, and at this point I couldn't give a single shit if I ever actually hear from them again.

There are people I know in RL who only ever talk about themselves; how they are doing, what is going on with them and never even ask me how I am. And then there are people I know online who can tell by the tone of my tweets that there's something going on, and will text me to find out what it is. Just because you've sat in the same room with a person doesn't mean they're actually your friend. And the more I think about how wonderful you guys are online, the more it fucking pisses me off how much so many of the people I know in real life fucking suck. (except for the four I mention above. Okay, Hubs totally counts. Whatever.)

So, I'd like to turn that around in my brain, please, and instead of being angry and going off on a rant, I will make this an Online Friend Appreciation Post: I'm not going to mention names here because I'll probably leave people out and I don't want to make anybody sad, but I can think of at least 5 of you who are right now thinking "I wonder if she's talking about me?" and the answer is YES. YES I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU.

By the way, people: start thinking about the Great Twitter/Blogger Meetup of Some Time in the Spring of 2012.

Seriously.

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Wacom tales

Wacom is the brand of tablet I got, fyi.

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Quick! Before I forget....

Tonight we went to Karaoke, and I sung both Rehab and It's Still Rock and Roll to Me, and both times I had to follow the chick who works there and who can sing like you can't believe. The first time I said, "Please don't make me follow DeeCee the next time??" and they laughed and thought it was funny, and THEN??? She did fucking Lady Marmalade and I had to follow that shit... AGAIN. I totally yelled at the both of them for it. They thought it was funny, but they don't get it..... Actually they probably do. But whatever.

So, I thought I'd end the year with a nice drunk post. This will probably be the last one of these for a while, and who doesn't like a nice drunken stream of consciousness ramble written by somebody you don't know, right?? Am I right??

I thought about doing some kind of 2011 Year in Review, which isn't really a bad idea, and I'll get to that, but first... check this shit out:

Check out how fucking chatty I am!!! And that's also keeping in mind that I only started this piece of shit blog in MAY of 2010. Seriously? I'm a fucking chatty bitch. But you knew that, otherwise you wouldn't have come back. This is just another example of how I impress myself with my fantastic bullshitting abilities. I did that shit 779 times in the last year and a half bitches. HA HA HA!!! YES!!!!!!

Anyhoozle, back to the whole year in review crap, I thought I might list for you my 5 Favorite Posts of 2011 That I Wrote. AI'm not going to tell you shit about what other people wrote, because I'm apparently too selfish and/or drunk and/or out of time for that, so anyway. These are my favorites. If I was forced to pick an anthology (is "anthology" a real word?) of the 5 best posts that were awesome (in my opinion) that I happened to write, in 2011, these are the ones. So.... yeah.

• I REALLY need to monitor this child's library usage better,February 2011
• I drove over a duck today, March 2011
• Trolled by a 5 year old who can read, April 2011
• Steam Trains, July 2011
• Adventures with Wii Sports, July 2011

Hope you all clicked on that shit because that shit is gold. GOLD.

Okay, a story real quick: You know how Child 2 likes to watch You Tube Walkthroughs of people playing Mario related games? Well, yesterday he was very sad and he came to me and said that he was having a good deal of trouble getting through this one point and can we please write to Yoshiller2 and ask him to make a walkthrough of this one part so that we can figure out how to do it?

Well, obviously I had some qualms about him writing to random YouTube people, so I used my own YouTube account and I wrote to the guy and I said "Hi, this is Child 2 and I'm 6 and I was wondering if you could make a video of such and such at this point in Mario whatever blah blah blah" obviously I didn't know what the fuck I was saying... and then we sent it off and I told him that it was pretty likely that he would be disappointed and please don't get your hopes up and all that.

Well, about an hour later, I got an email from the dude we wrote to that said "I did that already, but I don't remember what I called it" I'm paraphrasing, but that doesn't matter so I told Child 2 what he said, and Child 2 says to Child 1: "Do you remember the video that starts at blah blah blah and then the blah blah blah and it ends with blah blah blah?" and Child 1 says "Yeah, that's part 46."

And it was.

Seriously? Seriously. So I wrote to the dude and I said "this is Child 2's mom and I just want to thank you so much for your response, you've made my kid's entire year." and he responded "no problem :) "

And on that note? It's the little things you do that might make the entire day or month or year for one person, so do them. Do them again and again because we have no idea how much of an impact we can make by our very small gestures.

Also? Child 1 does not like the anticipation of waiting to say Happy New Year. He asked me to say it early so that he wouldn't have to wait for the countdown. I fucking love that kid.

"I fucking love that kid." Let that be the last drunken thing I ever say on this blog.

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