These are some things they don't tell you

Child 2 is going to be 7 in July; this means I haven't been pregnant for 6 1/2 years (see what I just did there? I know, you're blown away by my math skills, but it's okay. I am, literally, a professional, so don't try this at home, kids!) For those of you who have never been pregnant, although I'd be willing to bet that's only about 1% of you who are reading this, the body undergoes a number of "changes" during pregnancy, in addition to the obvious baby growing thing, and sometimes those changes can be rather creative, in that they have absolutely fucking nothing to do with growing a baby. Sure, you're expecting that your ass and your boobs will grow to alarming proportions, but Restless Leg Syndrome? WTF does that have to do with pregnancy?

The worst part, though is what they really don't tell you in those books about what you're supposed to be expecting during this glorious time is that a lot of this shit never goes away. Yes, that's right, that pregnancy induced Bells Palsy you acquired 10 years ago? That shit'll last a lifetime, it will.

6 1/2 years I haven't been pregnant now. 6 1/2 years and I'm still dealing with my stupid body's pregnancy "changes." Please. Let me tell you about them.....

1. When I was preggo with Child 2 I developed "pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome." Basically, for 6 months, the thumb on my left hand was completely numb. The whole time. On a good day. The rest of the time my thumb and index finger were tingling and painful. I would wake up in the night with my entire hand asleep, so I started wearing this fancy wrist brace at night. That was annoying, and I was having enough trouble sleeping what with the enormous fucking baby I was growing, so I eventually just said fuck it to the fancy wrist brace and suffered through it. I finally got the feeling back in my thumb about 3 months post partum, however about once a year since then, it will randomly come back for no reason that I can figure, last a month or so and then randomly go away for also no reason I can figure. I will also wake up in the middle of the night with my hand completely asleep. It's happening right now. I'm wearing the fancy wrist brace again. :(

2. It's to be expected that when you have an enormous growth pressing on your bladder and cervix from the inside, and then when you shove said growth out of your glory hole, you're going to pee a little bit at unwanted time. Unwanted meaning laughing, coughing, sneezing.... breathing. Times like that. What is NOT to be expected is that this shit is still happening 6 1/2 years later!!! I've trained myself very well to CROSS MY LEGS when I feel a sneeze or a cough coming on, but I'm not always able to. Like that time I sneezed while I was getting out of my car and I had to get back in my car, drive home and change my pants. :(

3. I'll put this one simply: Before children my feet were a size 9. After children my feet are a size 10.

4. When I was preggo with Child 1, I don't know exactly how it happened but at some point I turned wrong or something and this spot on my back totally seized up. It was horrible. I was so fucking front heavy, so it makes sense, but it made walking and sometimes talking pretty much impossible. I'd be standing there having a conversation and suddenly I wouldHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN get this horrible back spasmmmMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMM and make these crazy sounds because it just hurt so fucking much. Luckily (?) I ended up on bedrest the last 5 weeks, and nothing will fix an aching back more than 5 weeks of lying on your left side, amiright??? Pregnancy #2 came and went with no back issues, and then about 3 years ago.... SEVEN years after it first happened... I was vacuuming... fucking vacuuming... and the exact same spot seized up producing the exact same resultsHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. I went to my doc and got some yummy pills because I didn't have the luxury of staying confined to my bed, and it eventually went away after about 2 weeks. The other night, though? I was filling up the bath for Child 2 and suddenly..... HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, thus inspiring this post. Good thing I still had some of those pills left over....

So, it's basically like this...

(I feel it's important to add at this point that I am currently full of muscle relaxers, not to mention covered in Ben Gay, so if it seems like this post came to a sudden end, um....... *drool* At least I thought ahead and drew those pictures for you earlier!! zzzzzzzzz)

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