He's like a mini George Costanza with hair

Child 2 is the funniest person I’ve ever met. He’s only 5, and these things just come out of his mouth that are so beyond his years and it's so funny. He has no idea how funny he is.

"Charlie is the captain of fur!"

Example 1: The horn on my car is broken. It used to make this mighty HOOOOOOOOOOOONK when I pushed it, but now it’s just a lame little “blup.” It’s really sad. This morning I was taking the boys to school and when I lock my car with my key chain dealie, it honks the horn to let me know it worked. So, it went “blup” (sad face ☹) and I said “oh, man, that’s pathetic.” Naturally Child 2 asks “what does pathetic mean?” because this kid is incapable of hearing anybody say anything without asking a question about it. I would find it annoying if he wasn’t so goddamn adorable. Also: I find it annoying. So, I explain what pathetic means and I show him what a “pathetic” face looks like. Then he wants to know what the opposite of pathetic means, and we make some “opposite of pathetic” faces. Then, we’re going into the school and he says “I just farted into the bottom of my backpack! THAT’S the opposite of pathetic! OOHHHHH YEEAAHHHHHHHH!”

Example 2: He has this crazy co-dependent relationship with one of our cats; he’s always chasing her around the house with a shoe or a piece of paper or a blanket or something, but for some reason she’s always coming back for more. I guess she needs to be abused, and he really needs to abuse her. Sometimes, though, she fights back, using the only tools she has: her claws. The other day the usual was happening and she scratched him. Then he looks at me, arms and hands out to the side in horror, and he says “and now she scratches me!” I swear to god, it was like fucking George Costanza (I tried to find a video of George doing that hands to the sides/in the air thing but I couldn't find one. Hopefully you just know what I'm talking about) and I started laughing my ass off. This was not the correct thing to do at that particular moment, I can assure you, because he got very mad at me. He started crying and screaming and wailing and hitting, and, I’m so sorry, but I shit you not, I still couldn’t stop laughing. It. Was. So. Funny. I tried to explain, between hiccups of laughter, that I wasn’t laughing AT him, I was laughing because he was awesome. He totally didn’t buy it, of course. I had to put my hand over my mouth while he inspected my face to make sure I was no longer laughing before he forgave me. Good thing he’s only 5 because he bought that. Phew.

I've learned my lesson, though, and I've started preparing myself now that I know the repercussions of my laughter. So, just now, when he got scratched for putting his toy cars on the cat's head, and he said "I hate that cat! The next time you see her, tell her I hate her!" I did not laugh. Not once. Not once that he saw, anyway.

UPDATE: He just overhead me telling hubs that my method for getting to #9 at Top Mommy Blogs is called "Blog Whoring." Shit.

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