xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: To the guy in the sports car driving behind me

Thursday, August 26, 2010

To the guy in the sports car driving behind me

The view from behind

Dear Angry Motorist in a Small Car:

I can tell by the way you're riding my ass that you're really pissed off that I just changed lanes and ended up in front of you. See, I spent a number of years commuting from Berkeley to San Francisco and back and I got really good at reading car body language; for example, I am never surprised when somebody cuts me off, I can always tell it's going to happen, and I can tell right now that you're seriously not pleased.

I can understand that, though. You're in flashy and fast sports car meant to compensate for your lack of penis length and/or girth, and you're supposed to be faster than everybody else on the road. It's gotta suck for you that a 40 year old (almost!) mom in a behemoth minivan with all kinds of crazy bumper stickers just managed to fit herself into that wee little space you were keeping between yourself and the car in front of you. The thing is, though, that I needed to be in this lane before I got to the stop light, otherwise I would not have been able to turn left at the light, and that's the way I needed to turn in order to get to the freeway. I can see how you may have been caught by surprise by the fact that I had only been signaling for the past 5 minutes, while you ignored me, when I suddenly decided to just fucking go for it and to hell with you. And I can empathize with your anger at my presence in this lane right now, it must only feel like an insult to have to look at my giant ass driving in the 5 foot space that you're supposed to be in at the moment. You should see exactly how close you can get to my bumper, it'll be like a game of chicken. The closer you get the more you are vindicated for this horrible slight I have just perpetrated against you.

And so, in closing, fucking suck it up you little piece of shit. If you're going to drive like an asshole you should expect others to, as well. It's called defensive driving (I think. Or maybe offensive in this case?) and I'm sure as hell not going to be late picking up my kids from camp because I had to drive an extra 10 miles out of my way to get to the freeway because a little prick wouldn't let me over. Anyway, I've got insurance.



Anonymous said...

Wow...I can TOTALLY sympathize here. Some people have their heads so far up their asses while on the road.

Anonymous said...

My son thinks I am crazy, probably for good reason.

My driving style is very L.A. which means I like to go fast and a little weaving never bothered me (though surely it bothered others).

I live where the commute sucks, and getting from my place to anywhere is always a traffic-filled excursion. Traffic is the bane of my existence. I suffer from road-rage.

The I saw a video by some guy who had been studying traffic patterns. In the video he drives a typical American-big-city commute, full of traffic merging. In the video he explains why he leaves such a giant space between him and the car in front of him.

It's not about being nice, which is what I always thought when I saw these milquetoast drivers leaving all that space in front of them just for me. No, it's helpful to THEM!

You see, when you leave tons of space for others to merge, you don't get stuck behind a non-merging clusterfuck of selfish assholes.

So now I drive like an old man, leaving waaaay too much space in front of me. I rarely have to slow down to a crawl, others think I am nice, my blood pressure remains lowish, and I get to my destination quicker.

And my son now thinks a am an obsessed pussy.

Anonymous said...

And another thing, since my son is correct about my new obsession; cruise control.

I use it constantly. I use it in the 25 mph zone. I use it on the freeway.

I think, like the 3rd eye brakelight that didn't used to exist but now does, there should be a cruise control light so followers know when you are on cruise.

I think this would cause more people to use it, reducing the speeding up and slowing down that always begins to bog down traffic.

I am finished for now.

Unknown said...

How timely that I blogged about driving in the midst of your driving obsession!

I used to do that LA driving thing, since that's where I was when I learned to drive. I think I stopped doing that when I started driving babies around and that Mama Bear thing kicked in. I still speed too much, though. And I've had my car for 5 years and never once used the cruise control, maybe I'll try that out next time.

Juleska said...

Ever since driving in Kuwait, where I literally (and with good reason) feared for my life every time I got behind the wheel...and now the Philippines, absolutely nothing would phase me. So BRING IT, little sports car. That all you got?

Unknown said...

They let you drive a car in Kuwait?

Anonymous said...

You are brilliant. I'm loving your blog.

Unknown said...

Wow! Thank you


Nobodyspecial said...

I can't believe you have a "mean people suck" bumper sticker!LOL!

Unknown said...

That doesn't -really- surprise you, does it?

Nobodyspecial said...

No, actually, you seem to really enjoy fitting into hippie stereotypes.

Unknown said...

Except I don't smoke pot, so.... HA!

Nobodyspecial said...

Hippies smoke pot in order to gain the kind of introspection and grasp of the big picture that comes naturally to you. You were born to be hippie.

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