|The view from behind|
Dear Angry Motorist in a Small Car:
I can tell by the way you're riding my ass that you're really pissed off that I just changed lanes and ended up in front of you. See, I spent a number of years commuting from Berkeley to San Francisco and back and I got really good at reading car body language; for example, I am never surprised when somebody cuts me off, I can always tell it's going to happen, and I can tell right now that you're seriously not pleased.
I can understand that, though. You're in flashy and fast sports car meant to compensate for your lack of penis length and/or girth, and you're supposed to be faster than everybody else on the road. It's gotta suck for you that a 40 year old (almost!) mom in a behemoth minivan with all kinds of crazy bumper stickers just managed to fit herself into that wee little space you were keeping between yourself and the car in front of you. The thing is, though, that I needed to be in this lane before I got to the stop light, otherwise I would not have been able to turn left at the light, and that's the way I needed to turn in order to get to the freeway. I can see how you may have been caught by surprise by the fact that I had only been signaling for the past 5 minutes, while you ignored me, when I suddenly decided to just fucking go for it and to hell with you. And I can empathize with your anger at my presence in this lane right now, it must only feel like an insult to have to look at my giant ass driving in the 5 foot space that you're supposed to be in at the moment. You should see exactly how close you can get to my bumper, it'll be like a game of chicken. The closer you get the more you are vindicated for this horrible slight I have just perpetrated against you.
And so, in closing, fucking suck it up you little piece of shit. If you're going to drive like an asshole you should expect others to, as well. It's called defensive driving (I think. Or maybe offensive in this case?) and I'm sure as hell not going to be late picking up my kids from camp because I had to drive an extra 10 miles out of my way to get to the freeway because a little prick wouldn't let me over. Anyway, I've got insurance.