xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: Fell in love with a boy

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Fell in love with a boy

There's a boy that I love; with all my heart. Sometimes I love him so much it feels like there's no room for anything else in there.

I see him every day, and want so much for him to talk to me, but he usually does not.

I talk to him, and he doesn't answer me. I try to get him to notice me, but he's interested in other things.

I spend a lot of time watching him walk away from me.

When he walks away, I feel a longing in my chest. It's a heavy, pulling sensation on my heart and in my throat; it's almost physically painful

There's nothing I can do to change this. I can't insist that he stay, because it will only drive him farther away. I have no choice but to let him be; to watch him walk away.

This is how autism makes me feel: like I'm a high school girl with a crush on a boy who doesn't know I exist.

Not all of the time; just some of the time.

Enough of the time.



Comments (41)

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Whoa. Talk about poignant.
My recent post Sunday Funday #22
whoa. talk about short but intense. enough to well up the eyes of another mom who shares that same ignored/disregarded feeling from her offspring.
My recent post backroom deals
ack.

xoxoxoxo
My recent post Losing Sleep.
You break my heart, it hits so close to home. Or at least it did a few years ago. It's better now. I hope the same for you, hon.
My recent post Long Term Effects of ADHD Medication
Tracy (calormom)'s avatar

Tracy (calormom) · 682 weeks ago

This definitely hits close to home. Sometimes I just want so much for my boy to tell me how he's feeling and I don't think he can comprehend how much Iove him. Great post. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.
*sigh*

lump in throat

frowny face
My recent post *This Moment*
totally relate to this. 110%. "dont you want to come hang out with mom?"

"nope!" and runs upstairs to his room.

*sigh*

Keep trying.. maybe one day.. he'll say yes :)
My recent post Positivity
mamagaytko's avatar

mamagaytko · 682 weeks ago

*******HUGS******** You'll probably never get to know what goes on in his mind, but I would be willing to bet a constant thought is how much he loves his mama even if he doesn't always know how to express it!
mamagaytko's avatar

mamagaytko · 682 weeks ago

*******HUGS******** You'll probably never get to know what goes on in his mind, but I would be willing to bet a constant thought is how much he loves his mama even if he doesn't always know how to express it!
I've felt that way at times.
My recent post They say grief is the price we pay for love.
I must have made my son crazy when he was just 4-5 y.o. He was just learning to speak. I didn't know at this time he was autistic. I kept repeating to him "I love you" like a gazillion times a day. See, I'm not his birth mom and I felt he needed to know he was loved even if he didn't know what I was saying. Well it paid off. My son says those 3 words a million times a day. I'm lucky to hear it even if he doesn't know the meaning. It fools my ears and my heart to think it's real every time I hear it. But guess what? I have only received 2 hugs from my son. He's 13 1/2 now. Oh how I want a hug. It's an awful empty feeling. (((hugs)))
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I'm crying.
Handflapper's avatar

Handflapper · 682 weeks ago

He knows, and he loves you back with all his heart. He just doesn't know how to show it yet, but he will.
My recent post Reluctant blogging . . . You people just won’t leave me alone, will you? (THANK GOD FOR THAT!)
Well put. I know exactly how you feel.
My recent post VINDICATION FOR MAX
Oh, darling. I get this so very much. I love my boys with all my heart and it breaks every time I want to just hold them for a few minutes and they just want to escape. It's hard.

(((HUGS)))
My recent post I'm going to leave a mark...
Wow, I never thought of it this way, but I feel the same way.
sigh/hug
My recent post TGIM?!
Wow. This is beautiful and sad.
My recent post Quit Effing With Me, Anthropologie.
Now I just want to hug you.
unconditional love is damn beautiful isn't?
Goosebumps.
Love you. xo
My recent post On Being an Autism Parent
Not a Perfect Mom's avatar

Not a Perfect Mom · 682 weeks ago

powerful...
wow...
painful...
My recent post I’m Not Buying It Celine
Beautifully expressed.
My recent post On Failure
Absolutely spot on. *hugs*
So true. XO
My recent post Running Out Of Orgasm
it does feel like unrequitted love sometimes....but we never give up...never.
((Hugs))
:( That's a really sad one.
My recent post What I Really Do (Aspie Style)
*big hugs*
I'm sorry that it makes you feel that way at ANY time.
Beautifully written and heartbreaking.
My recent post Ten Things That Fed My Brain or Made Me Smile
BEAUTIFUL ... that's the only word that comes to mind. You are a sweet momma :-)
Amy lla.princess 's avatar

Amy lla.princess · 682 weeks ago

I'm cheating at lent a little here, FOR YOU! I read this in my inbox and had to drop over and say I love you. And deep on my heart I know our boys love us too
More than words can express. Their expressions of love are diffetent and unique just like them
Love isn't easy. Raising our boys isn't easy. But if it was, we really wouldnt appreciate them as much as we do. (Hugs) mama
Amy lla.princess 's avatar

Amy lla.princess · 682 weeks ago

Ugh and please disregard the typos from new phone that sucks like me lmao
Wow. Have I mentioned lately how amazing you are? If not, I am so sorry because you truly are amazing. (((hugs)))
My recent post Great Expectations
Oh wow. So feeling that. Looks like everybody else is too. You know, a wise lady wrote a poem about that same kind of thing :

On holding the baby of a friend
(After seven years as the mother of a child with autism)

I hug and nuzzle; brush my cheek to his.
He giggles, grabs my nose and grins at me.
I turn away, afraid someone will see
the tear I shed at how much fun this is.
I'm sprung: 'Clucky again ? Another son ?'
How can I tell her so she'll understand?
I had so much of this to give. I planned
to shower it all on mine. He wanted none.

I wonder whether mothers get a store
of child-affection, swelling in the chest
like milk come in, demanding to be used?
Does having to suppress it make you sore ?
My WebMD has nothing to suggest.
I borrow babies. They reduce the bruise.
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I'm ugly crying reading this.
Oh you. My wish for you is enough some of the time to make your heart happy.
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K A B L O O E Y's avatar

K A B L O O E Y · 682 weeks ago

You put the lump in my throat and Melinda and that poem did me in. Brutal, honest, beautiful post, Jill.
My recent post Because I’m Ashamed AND Lazy
beautiful, moving to read and I'm sure so difficult to experience.
My recent post Spring-Cleaning: If It Doesn't Fit You Must Toss It
Freaking beautiful. It is just such a perfect description of how I feel. Except I had crushes on girls when I was in high school.

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