Autism is kicking my ass.
Because I hate how relieved I am when the bus shows up in the morning.
Because I hate that my heart starts beating faster when it returns in the afternoon.
Because every day is like walking through a mine field lately.
Because every day I hold my breath, waiting to see if my child will be breaking things or barely holding them together.
Because nothing is helping any more, not one fucking thing.
Because no one is interested in helping anymore either, autism like this isn't so cute.
Because we have been doing this for years and beat to a pulp.
Because we have tried diets and supplements and tested pee and mailed shit samples and been on every psychiatric medication under the sun and nothing.
Because I always scoffed at those people who let their children go to an inpatient facility.
Because I always thought that would not be us.
Because now, I am painfully, painfully aware of where those people are.
Because now, that desperation and that feeling that autism has taken far too much control and you just can't let it take anymore, that feeling sucks.
Did I say autism is kicking my ass? I take that back.
It's not just kicking mine, it's trying to knock down my child and for once, I'm out of moves to fight back.