How to ensure that I will not hire you

One of the things to come from our IEP meeting this week is that Bart (still not used to that; I'm not sure if I can keep this up, Emily) needs somebody to help him with homework. It has been well established that I am a shitty, shitty teacher and do not have the skills for this particular job. It has also been established that hubs is a wonderful, awesome teacher who is, sadly, always working and would love to be able to do it but just doesn't have the time. It has also been established that, given the choice, I will just say "fuck homework" and let the kids do whatever they want in the afternoons.

However, it has now been established that Bart... Child 1.... whatever.... actually needs some help with homework. It was established at our IEP meeting in the form of his teacher, whom I adore, saying "it would be great if he could practice some of this stuff outside of school."

Yikes. Why not just stick that knife in really deep, Teacher Whom I Adore? Because, when I hear that, I think: 1. Fuck. He really needs some help with homework and 2. OMG I SUCK AT THAT SHIT SO MUCH. Which makes me feel guilty, and like I suck as a mom, and if only I was better at that kind of thing he would be doing better in school and blah blah blah....

The solution, however, is to just hire a tutor. The Regional Center will pay for it, I will no longer feel like a guilty schmuck and Child 1 (SORRY, EMILY, I CAN'T DO IT) will get the help that he needs. It's win-win! uh... win! What we discussed in the meeting is that we need somebody who can help him have fun and be motivated to pay attention. He can do the work, he just chooses not to most of the time. So, we need somebody who can make learning fun!! YAYYY!! (And that person is SOOOOO not me).

So, the first thing I did when I left the meeting was to put an ad on CraigsList, "Looking for tutor for 3rd grader with autism." I've now gotten about 15 resumes and I was just looking through them, and I started compiling this list in my head of things that people will say or not say that will 100% guarantee that I will immediately trash their email and move on to the next one.

And here we are. Ahem.

1. PUTTING YOUR COVER LETTER IN ALL CAPS. HOLY SHIT, I MEAN, I SEE THAT YOU ARE APPARENTLY VERY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT WORKING WITH KIDS BUT WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? I'M SCARED OF YOU NOW..... PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME......

2. similarly putting your cover letter in all lowercase and with no punctuation i get that maybe youre sending this from your phone or something but please at least make a little fucking effort here

3. Saying "if your interested in my qualifications, please call me." Because nothing irritates me more than the misuse of you're/your, their/they're, whose/who's, etc. I don't care if you're the greatest tutor who ever lived, if you can't get that part right, I don't want to know you.

4. Not putting a cover letter at all. Should I even click on the thing labeled "RESUME.doc" ? Maybe it's actually a virus, disguised as your resume, and by clicking on it my hard drive will immediately be totally erased, reformatted and then change from Mac to Windows. I mean.... I don't actually know that it won't, do I?

5. Butchering the English language. "I enjoy a lot helping and working children with special need." It's likely that English is not this person's first language, in which case I'm a huge elitist bitch for saying this. On the other hand, I got another one from somebody else who said "English is not my first language but I'm still probably better at it than you are." (that's not actually what she said, but it had the same level of confidence. I like your moxie, sister!)

I think the one I like the best is the chick who said "I know that children with autism can become particularly invested in routines, and if I were working with a kid who felt that strongly about my staying, there's a snowball's chance in hell I'd leave voluntarily, and since I've been legally an adult for a good 6 years now, and being female exempts me from being drafted to the military, there not much chance I'll be forced against my will to leave, either."

She sounds crazy. I like her.

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