Sometimes you just have to admit defeat

Today I was bested by a helmet.

There's actually a law in California that kids are required to wear helmets and 15-point restraints and be completely covered from head to toe in bubble wrap if they're going to be riding anything with 25 wheels or less. Or something like that, I'm vague on the specifics. Whatever it says, though, we broke that law today. Not because I'm such a rebel that I think my kids should be able to risk a head injury if they want to, but because... I was too dumb to figure out how the helmet worked.

First there was the helmet. Which end of the helmet should go at which end of the head? Did you put it on so that the straps go under the chin or behind the head? And then there were the straps. Were they too loose? Were they too tight? And there was this weird circular thing on the inside that was supposed to adjust the whole deal for smaller heads or something (at least, that's how my 5 year old explained it to me). How did that work? Which part of the head does it attach to? Why did it have a dial on it? Am I supposed to turn the dial? If so, which way was I supposed to turn it?  Am I pulling your hair out of your head? Should I turn it around? Is this too loose? Oh, it just fell off, let me tighten it. Wait, is this thing supposed to just come out like this? How do I put it back in? Is it backwards now? Is it poking you in the eye? Is it not supposed to poke you in the eye?

"It's too bad Daddy's not here," says Child 2. "Daddy could fix the helmet."

"Fuck it," I say. To which Child 2, naturally, responds "fuck it? Fuck what? What does 'fuck' mean?"

"We're going without the helmet," I say. "Try not to get hit by a car."

And off we went, the block and a half to the park, without helmets. And surely I would have been arrested or cited or ticketed or hauled off to CFS jail if we had gotten caught. And we went back that way, too. Fuck it; I lost. Well played, helmet. Well played.

It looks so innocent, just sitting there on the counter like that.

THIS thing. What the fuck IS this thing? Where does it go, how did I get it out and, most importantly, how do I put it back???

At this point I am almost completely certain that this is supposed to be attached to something.

Make a note for future reference: It doesn't work when you just place it on the top of their head without strapping it on. I KNOW, right?? You're totally surprised, too!!

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Click here for some very important safety information about helmets in California. As far as you know.

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