You do not speak for my child
There is a growing community of adults with high-functioning Aspergers, formally diagnosed or not (don't get me started on the NOT), who believe I am a bad parent. Well, that all of us who have kids on the spectrum are bad parents. Why? Because we get intensive therapy for our children, in hopes of them reaching their full potential. In order to break down some of Autism's walls. This, to them, is wrong. They feel we should accept our kids as they are, and that trying to change or modify behavior isn't right. They say they are believers in "neuro-diversity".
What the FUCK is neuro-diversity? Well, I know what it is, and quite frankly I am pretty sure the whole damn planet is already full of neuro-diverse people, but what I don't get is how that word applies to my kid. Does neuro-diversity mean it's OK when my child tries to break down a door? Or when my child beats the crap out of a sibling? Should I be OK with my child having no friends, no social skills, or life-impeding obsessions? Most importantly, is it alright for my child to be totally and completely miserable each and every damn day of the year, so much so that one day suicide seems like a good option? I am supposed to be happy and accepting of all this?! Just let the chips fall where they may?
Two words for you: FUCK NO.
Let me be VERY clear. My kid does NOT have high-functioning Aspergers. My child would not have made it to adulthood sans diagnosis. My child struggles all the time, trying desperately to get out from under Autism. It is not a blessing. It is not a gift. It fucking sucks. All.The.Time.
I want more for my child. I want friends, college, independence. I don't want my child to be on welfare. To give into this disability and be alone forever. I don't want my child to hop from minimum wage job to minimum wage job, not becoming the person I know my child can be, because I decided just to accept how things are now and call it neuro-diverse.
I am so fucking sick and tired of people trying to speak for my child. You do not speak for my child. My child is not like you. So save your neuro-diversity shit for someone else, I don't want to hear it. My child deserves more.
EDIT: The author has sent me the following for clarification.
I just wanted to clarify my thoughts, because I am offending some people I in no way meant to offend. I am really just talking about a small group of people who own their Autism so much that they can't understand why a parent would want to change their child. I have personally had people (adults with asd) write me off because of the path I have chosen for my child, the way I feel about my child's autism, and what I hope for the future. I am in NO way am speaking about ALL adults on the spectrum. A small group has made me feel this way, and I am not OK with that, but please know it isn't a broad generalization. And I don't have anything against self diagnosed adults in general, just the ones who make me, and parents like me, out to be bad for wanting to make things different. I truly, truly apologize for not being clear the first time.
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Greta · 729 weeks ago
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Margaret · 729 weeks ago
@rpdonald · 729 weeks ago
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@ladyestrogen · 729 weeks ago
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Happy Elf Mom · 729 weeks ago
Four of my children are autistic and I have to tell you that comorbid conditions suck rocks. For what it is worth, I fall more on the neurodiversity side simply because I think a "cure" for autism is likely an abortion or murder. "Cure" gets me nervous. Perhaps it's semantics.
I get angry a lot, too. I have found that generally at least the neurodiversity people aren't the ones telling me I am a bad parent, my kid is a brat, back in my day we smacked the crap out of them... that sort of thing.
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Kelly · 729 weeks ago
You are my kind of Mama.
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HeatherW · 729 weeks ago
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Jaime · 729 weeks ago
It's almost like saying, "My kid doesn't like math. My kid doesn't get math, so I'm just going to be okay with the fact that he can't add. Hiring a tutor would show him that I don't accept his hate for math." It just seems kind of silly.
We all want what's best for our kids and are most likely willing to go to any length to get it. I hate when people judge and hate on parents. We're all just trying to make the best life/world possible for the little ones. Just because one person does it differently than another, doesn't make it wrong.
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Claire · 729 weeks ago
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Flannery · 729 weeks ago
I'll tell you, my son IS HF Aspie, and it's no easy road. People think he's a badly behaved brat, that I'm not disciplining him, yadda yadda. When the disability isn't as obvious, it can be equally as difficult. I'm gonna help my kid reach his full potential, just like you are, and nobody is going to tell me I don't have my kid's best interest in mind EVER FUCKING SECOND OF THE DAY.
Rock on, sister, with your therapy. There's always gonna be an ass with an opinion.
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dawn 58p · 729 weeks ago
When did parenting--typical or non--become such a competition sport? Makes we wanna just cock-punch somebody.
Rock on!
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Brayden's Mom · 729 weeks ago
Brayden's Mom · 729 weeks ago
Happy Elf Mom · 729 weeks ago
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sharon · 729 weeks ago
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Amanda · 729 weeks ago
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Rachel · 729 weeks ago
There are a number of parents of autistic children who do not consider me autistic because I have Asperger's. I have met far more autism parents who talk that line than autistic people, by several orders of magnitude. It's a way of discrediting all of us who are capable of communicating in a way that the world understands.
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Tam · 729 weeks ago
And it makes me very sad, because they're often the same parents that go on about how they just can't understand their child and wish they could... if they would only listen to those on the high end of the spectrum they might find the help they're looking for!
Ken Lilly · 729 weeks ago
ARE FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!
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Christy · 729 weeks ago
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MOMmetime · 729 weeks ago
May you find peace and comfort and you trudge this road!
~and FUCK 'em!
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Jessica · 729 weeks ago
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WTH Am I Doing? · 729 weeks ago
...but isn't it our job as parents to teach our children how to be functional, responsible adults? We don't just thunk them out and let them "discover" life. We're supposed to teach them.
And because of their "neurodiversity" (as in, everyone learns differently), different teaching methods are required to help different kids, right? As long as what you're doing is out of love & with an aim toward the goodness of their outcome (i.e. you're not burning them with cigarettes or lopping off limbs if they screw up), then aren't you doing what you're *supposed* to be doing as a parent?
Perhaps I am missing something....
lhand0124 49p · 729 weeks ago
1) It was believed that ONLY boys got Asperger's Syndrome. So women my age couldn't have received a formal diagnosis in childhood.
2) Many, if not MOST, people affected by Asperger's Syndrome were, and sometimes still are, MIS diagnosed with things like bipolar, ODD, OCD, ADD, ADHD, and Schizophrenia,.
3) Teenagers with Asperger's Syndrome are 50% MORE likely to attempt suicide. The boys are 80% more likely to succeed. I, and many others, have the scars to prove that particular statistic. There are many of us, who just barely "made it to adulthood sans diagnosis". And likely many others who didn't make it at all.
My kids, both Aspies, get all kinds of therapy to make their road easier. To me, that's what being a good parent is about, and I wish I'd had the opportunity for the same. Be mad at whatever you want, but you may want to be better informed about the people you choose to slam.
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autismandoughtisms 31p · 729 weeks ago
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Dani G · 729 weeks ago
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Rachel · 729 weeks ago
Do I want to tell other people how to raise their kids? Hell, no. Not my business. Do I want them to listen to me about what it feels like to be autistic, from the inside out, so that they might get some insight into their own children? Hell, yes, each and every day. I consider myself an ally of people raising autistic children, whether they see me that way or not.
I am so sick of this fight. I am sick of people telling other people how to raise their kids, and I am sick of people treating autistic adults who can write, speak, and live a happy life that we have nothing of value to say to them about their kids.
It would be nice if we could all just take a breath and have a conversation now and then.
Tam · 729 weeks ago
sharon · 729 weeks ago
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@bbsmum · 729 weeks ago
sharon · 729 weeks ago
My recent post Arthur Highlights Aspergers
Jennie B · 729 weeks ago
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Tam · 729 weeks ago
It's wonderful that there are parents that fight tooth and nail to get their children diagnosed, and then to get them the interventions and therapies that will help them to reach their potential. But to slight those of us who managed to survive without any of that, despite all odds against us, because we now have the ability to try to help others going through what we went through?! That hurts in ways you can't even imagine.
Those of us in the community who are self-diagnosed adults, especially those of us without kids of our own, do not NEED to be in this community. Outing ourselves now, after all these years, is not for our benefit and often not in our best interest. Sharing our past and current struggles with things like stimming and depression in public means further ridicule from friends and family for many of us. Often our ONLY reason for putting ourselves out here is because we want to help the next generation avoid the kind of horrible life we grew up in.
We're here because we want to help, despite the all of that, and every time we turn around we're seeing posts like this. Where something a few internet trolls said to a parent kicks off a massive rant against the entire community. It needs to stop.
Rachel · 729 weeks ago
Amen, Tam. Amen.
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lhand0124 49p · 729 weeks ago
And important to recognize that some of those parents that have fought tooth and nail, are also self diagnosed Aspies. Like...oh IDK..me for example.
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Brayden's Mom · 729 weeks ago
http://www.autisticadvocacy.org/modules/smartsect...
Just thought this might help to clarify things. There may be a very small minority of individuals that are anti-treatment, etc., but I'd say it's pretty small. I've never heard of a group that promotes that line of thinking...mostly just anti-cure.
tulpen · 729 weeks ago
have nothing of value to add to the Autism part of this; am not part of that particular special needs club.
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Happy Elf Mom · 729 weeks ago
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Cheryl D. · 729 weeks ago
I think the autism community divides itself so much. Again, this is understandable considering how broad the spectrum is. I think as a community we need to learn to respect each other. We don't have to agree 100 percent. We just have to have compassion and understanding where other people come from. If I have offended you in any way, I'm completely, totally sorry. That was never my intention!
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Lynn · 729 weeks ago
1) I feel like I'm being told that I shouldn't feel pain/grief/unhappiness, etc. because I should just accept who they are. Not to sound too Oprahesque, but I don't like having my feelings invalidated. I feel what I feel. Sorry if it offends you. Actually, no I'm not.
2) I respectfully disagree with Rachel's comment that ND proponents are not anti-treatment. Every one that I have encountered is vehemently anti-biomed. Not sure if Rachel was including that in her definition of treatment. Also, some of the more vocal members of the community are even opposed to ABA therapy.
Obviously were are a huge and varied community with lots of different opinions. When I read the post, it spoke to me because I have tangled with people who are precisely as Anonymous describes...but that's no one that has commented here!
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sharon · 729 weeks ago
But I have to respectfully disagree with your 2nd point. I too disagree with a bio medical approach, but this is based on resasons other than just a respect for ND approach. I have a problem with the notion of a 'cure' that tends to get pushed by those flogging their pills and potions as great cost to parents. I feel the curebies misrepresent what Autism actually is. But that's just my point of view. I suppose we come to our own conclusions on all these controversial topics based on our own personal experiences.
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Lynn · 729 weeks ago
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Rachel · 729 weeks ago
Whether to use ABA as a therapy for one's child is an issue upon which good people can differ without casting aspersions on one another. Being against using ABA does not make one anti-treatment, since there are other therapies out there that work very well for kids.
Raymond Andrews · 729 weeks ago
Any ways...Not all neurodiversity proponents are against biomed. If anything, there are some that are all for it. Temple Grandin is autistic,and she benefited from intervention therapies. She even used prozac to help her with her anxiety in connection to her sensory integration issues of her autism. She understoods that not all autistics are like. She believes that there is autism that is caused by genetics and that there is autism that is caused by environmental pollutants. I believe that applies to all neurodivergent conditions.
Raymond · 729 weeks ago
I am a member of Dyspraxia group on yahoo.
One of the members had disagreed that Dyspraxia can be a gift. He just sees it as a disability and hindrance. He thought of himself as being dumber than most. I tried to explain to him that many neurodivergents are very intelligent but tend to have feelings of intellectual inadequacy because they process information differently from most and are being compared to normal people. Then he told me that his brain damage connected to accident. He told me that somehow the umbilical cord got around his neck which resulted in severe oxygen deprivation.
I couldn't relate to that at all. I don't have brain damage. Neurologists examined me when I was in preschool because of my problems with coordination and balance, and they ruled out brain damage. In 2006, Veteran Affairs neurologists ruled out brain damage when I got examined by them. They also confirmed my Dyslexia and Dyspraxia and ruled that it was genetic and not acquired because my symptoms weren't progressive. They even said that they couldn't do anything for me. After all, I had already had auditory therapy,speech therapy,phonics training,and motor skills therapy to correct my Dyslexic,Dyspraxic issues when I was a child. My Veteran Affairs neuropsyche tests also confirmed that I had significant strengths in visual spatial thinking,strategic thinking,and problem solving even though I had weaknesses in short term memory(both visual and verbal), eye tracking, auditory processing,motor skills,and overall coordination. A lot of people in my family have neurodivergent traits. I even showed my mom a list of neurodivergent symptoms that Dr. Levinson wrote about, and she told me that she had a lot of them. My aunt (my mom's half sister) told me that she did too,and her daughter was diagnosed as having ADHD at the age of 7 because of her hyperactivity. My grandmother (my mom's stepmother) told me that my Uncle Eddie was recommended to be medicated for being very hyperactive, but she refused because she didn't want drugs messing up his brain. She also said that she's hyperactive,and so was my grandfather and they weren't taking medication for their hyperactivity. My Uncle Eddie's son, Joey is very hyperactive like his father. He is gifted and gets straight A's if he is disciplined. He gets F's when he is without discipline. My father disciplines him,and he gets straight A's again.
I am thinking of just creating a nonprofit neurodiversity organization just for people that have developmental neurodivergences and not for ones that are acquired. I believe that ones that are acquired and created by brain damage need advocacy too. I was told that my main life purpose is to help indigo,crystal types. I am thinking that's referring to the genetic neurodivergents that to tend have sigificant strengths in certain areas and not just weaknesses as well as are highly intelligent,ultrasensitive,and nonconformist. That's exactly how I am. I definitely have a genetic neurodivergence.
Take Ronald D. Davis' theory for instance. He has Autism and Dyslexia. He was labeled a Kanner's baby. He is an engineer,artist,and business man that heads an international organization to help people with neurodivergence through his methods.
This is what Ronald D. Davis said about basic abilities connected to neurodivergence:
1. They can utilize the brain's ability to alter and create perceptions (the primary ability)
2. They are highly aware of the environment.
3. They are more curious than average.
4. They think mainly in pictures instead of words.
5. They are highly intuitive and insightful.
6. They think and perceive multi-dimensionally (using all the senses)
7. They can experience thought as reality.
8. They have vivid imaginations.
That seems like stuff that pertains to Indigo,Crystal types
I can totally relate to that stuff,
especially thinking in pictures. I visualize things in my mind's eye nonstop. When I am doing things, I automatically see myself doing them like seeing myself in a mirror. It's like I am turning my mind's eye onto myself. When I look at a side of an object, I automatically visualize other sides of that object too. Man...I go see a dentist, get a root canal or filling done, I visualize the drill going into my tooth,seeing the inside,blood,nerves. I read a book,and it's like watching a movie. When I am listening to people talk, it's the same way. My mind automatically associates a picture with a certain word. When I massage a person, I visualize the muscles and the direction of the muscle fibers. I always visualize something before I do it
like visualizing myself walking to the door,putting my hand on the door knob and opening the door before I actually do it. It's just an automatic thing that I do.
I go to a club and visualize my dance moves in my head as well as visualize myself dancing in front of myself before I carry out my actual dance moves.
Raymond Andrews · 729 weeks ago
My mother told methat she thinks the same as I do as in thinking in pictures,visualizing things in her mind's eye nonstop. She is even righthanded but left ear dominant and left eye dominant just like myself. She has the same cross dominance like myself. So my neurological processes are definitely genetic.
I can totally relate to what Ronald D Davis is talking about. It seems that there are neurodivergents that can't relate. Those might be the ones that have acquired neurodivergence.
I can't help thinking that there is an issue with ADHDers with the DRD4 7R types (novelty-seeking types) getting looped up with ADHDers whose ADHD was caused by other things like vitamin/mineral deficiences, fetal alcohol syndrome,food sensitivities/allergies, omega 3 fatty acid deficiencies,heavy metal poisoning,toxins.
I can totally relate to the novelty-seeking traits of DRD4 7R gene. I see these novelty-seeking traits throughout my whole family. Could it be possible that psychiatric community believes that ADHDers need to be medicated based on the acquired ADHDers and not the genetic ADHDers? I believe that is the case.
Autism is another one. There are low functioning autistics and high functioning ones. Some of the nonverbal autistics that have been thought as being mentally retarded are actually very intelligent with strong visual spatial problem solving skills, suggesting complexity in thinking. They are not just rigid types that paying extreme attention to details like it was once thought. Autistic traits tend to run in families too. Some people believe that vaccines are causing autism. Maybe that is true, but for only the low functioning autistics. I don't believe that brain damage linked to vaccines would cause high intelligence with strong visual problem solving skills,and complexed thinking. That makes no sense to me. Scientists have already found genes and spontaneous genetic mutations connected to autism. Genetic mutations make a lot of sense. That is how we humans evolved and branched into various haplogroups and subclades. For instance, I belong to Haplogroup J with J1c subclade on the matrilineal line.
Some Dyslexics acquire their Dyslexia through glue ear which causes problems with their hearing. This makes it difficult for them to process sounds in words,and so leads to problems with listening,reading,and speaking. This is completely different from a Dyslexic who has problems with language due to the right hemisphere being always being overactive and interfering with left hemisphere processing. This is true for me. I continuously think in pictures,visualizing in my mind's eye (right hemisphere) and that includes when I am reading,listening,speaking,and writing (left hemisphere). As for my hearing, I was asked if I need ear plugs when I go sleep. My auditory processing issues used to include auditory reversals, but now just including memory and speech input lags, and some confusion at times as well as problems with strings of words.
Raymond Andrews · 729 weeks ago
I am thinking that my nonprofit organization would be about genetic neurodivergence because it is something that I can strongly relate to. Acquired neurodivergence is not something that I can relate to. Talking about neurodivergence having certain strengths won't apply to them. Even saying that neurodivergence can be a gift would totally rub them the wrong way. It would be like saying polio or cancer is a gift. Some Dyspraxics in the group have already done that in yahoo group. I could understand some people telling me that ADHD is disorder and calling me "stupid" because I disagree with their views. That's already happened. Maybe they are right. Maybe it's the acquired ADHD that is a disorder but genetic ADHD isn't. Because of the overlap with Dyslexia and Dyspraxia, I believe that some ADHDers could also be Dyslexics and Dyspraxics that are misdiagnosed.
I believe that the Indigo,Crystal types aren't just people that fall under genetic neurodivergences of Dyslexia,Dyspraxia,ADHD,Autism. I believe that these are also types that are just gifted,but don't conform to mainstream environments. I also believe that some of the schizophrenics and bipolars are misdiagnosed Indigo,Crystal types too. After all, metaphysical stuff isn't recognized by psychiatric,scientific communities. Astronomical community totally look down on Astronomy. It's not farfetched that many Indigo,Crystal types are misdiagnosed as bipolars,schizophrenics for talking about their beliefs and perceptions. I believe that bipolar and schizophrenia have other causes that include not only vitamin/mineral deficiences but also certain things like drugs,toxins,and even pyroluria. Even taking psychiatric medications could ironically cause bipolar,schizophrenic symptoms. Indigo,Crystal types are ultrasensitive, and so they would be hypersensitive to medications which could lead to certain side effects. Heck..taking a little Paxil or Effexor gave me temporary impotence.
Neurodivergence isn't cut and dry.
Katherine · 726 weeks ago
So, I can see how they might not be able to see that getting my child a never ending stream of supportive interventions to help him be able to tolerate people and the environment and manage his extreme anxieties and give him some help with his major social and communication challenges so he can function and feel better living in this world is not a personal affront to people with autism. It's just sound parenting. But a hallmark of autism is an impaired ability to really understand another's viewpoint. I mean, really, can you think of a single other group of people with an other sort of disability or difference advocating against parents helping children with the same things they struggle with? I just take it all with a grain of salt. I'm glad to hear many are happy with themselves just they are. And i'm sad for the people who endured years of pain, feeling misunderstood or mistreated by professionals or parents or the whole community . But, it's still the right thing to help my child develop and grow in areas that seriously impede his functioning.