xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: Awesome Guest Blogger is Awesome

Monday, April 11, 2011

Awesome Guest Blogger is Awesome

So, if you're on The Twitter, and you're interested in The Funny, you need to be following The Empress. The Empress is always giving suggestions for funny people to follow and The Empress is always right. I learned very quickly to always obey whenever The Empress tells me to follow someone because, as I've said previously: The Empress is always right. So, when The Empress told me I needed to follow The Mrs, I didn't ask questions, I just hit that "follow" button. (Also pay attention to The Empress' Get To Know Thursdays where every Thursday she surprise features a funny blogger she thinks you should be reading. Every Thursday morning.... I wake up.... hoping.... *sniff* .... praying... *sob*.... But so far.... Nothing. One day, Empress. Oh, yes. One day..... uh... you will run out of other funny people to feature and I will be the only one left. THAT will be the day I shine.)

But THEN, a few days later, I actually went to The Mrs' blog and started reading (NO. I don't know why it took me so long! I have no excuses! All I can tell you is that I was probably drunk. I mean... it's plausible, right?).

First I saw like a scary, mascara-less box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. OMG! She draws bad pictures along with her funny!! So awesome.

And then I saw the super-secret dance party in my mind. Holy crap! She puts her bad drawings into videos along with her funny!!!!!

And THEN I saw it..... the one that would change my life forever: how to make a bowl of cereal in 12 easy steps.

It was love at first sight.

I immediately wrote to her on Twitter, telling her she was the next Allie Brosh (my blog idol) and that she needed to guest post for me. She's going to be famous one day, you see, and I want to be able to brag that "she once guest posted for me before she was an internet superstar!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'M SO FUCKING COOL!!!"

Mark my words, people. MARK THEM!! And mrs? Scroll to the bottom, even though you've read this one before, because you have a prize waiting for you below.... (by the way, I write this before the results of the Vampire Squid T-shirt Contest results are announced and I have no idea who won.)

This is me (pissed off) meme
by The Mrs.

Dear Internet,

Sometimes, I think we were MFEO (please reference Sleepless in Seattle for further details on that acronym.) I mean, we like all of the same things—namely: wasting time, unicorns, and disastrous cakes. And you’re pretty knowledgeable, not to mention funny. We could spend all day together, and I still wouldn’t be sick of you.

Remember that time I made you my Valentine? Well, I almost made it official and proposed to you when I saw this:

Yeah, I thought we were pretty close, Internet. I can’t help but take issue with a certain meme that’s been making the rounds, though, and I think we need to have a serious chat.

I’m talking, of course, about the “This is Me Meme”. The This is Me Meme instructs bloggers to post portraits of themselves drawn by their children. Our very own Jillsmo posted her addition to the meme last week.

Well, Internet, I guess we don’t know each other as well as I thought we did. Because if we really were besties, you would know that 1. I don’t have children and 2. I HATE being left out.

I know the meme’s not taking over the universe or anything—it’s not Charlie fucking Sheen, for Chrissake (thank God)—but it’s gotten kind of popular. And as the meme continues to appear on blogs I read, I feel more and more cantankerous.

What’s a girl to do, Internet? Why are you discriminating against me? I thought we were pals.

I know we don’t do everything together. Sometimes, you branch out into activities that I can’t support, like when you started spending too much time with that Numa Numa kid.

And normally, I would brush something like that off and go about my day. But this? This feels personal. I mean, joining two of my favorite things—bad drawings and talking about myself—and then NOT letting me participate? That’s just cruel.

My first reaction was, of course, disappointment. Sadness, really, that my good friend the Internet was excluding me.

But then, as is my way, I got thoroughly pissed off.

So, guess what? Not that you asked, Internet (rude), but here’s what a rendering of me—drawn by anyone, but in this case myself—would probably look like.

(This is, of course, just a drawing. Cape and awesomeness are not to scale.)

I bet you feel foolish for trying to keep that drawing from the world. Don’t you?

Well, let this be a lesson to you, Internet. I am too tenacious to be held back by simple rules and instructions.

Your move, Internet.


The Mrs

P.S. Just kidding. You know I’m lost without you. This was all just an elaborate excuse to show you my cape. Nice, no? Let’s never fight again.


Dear The Mrs:

On behalf of The Internet, and I'm pretty sure I have authority to speak on its behalf, I would like to offer my humblest and most sincere apologies for the This Is Me Meme, which has caused you to feel bad. I assure you that The Internet had no intention of excluding you in such a cruel and spiteful manner.

Please accept this award that I have created, in the hopes that it will somewhat lift your spirits. I'm pretty sure this isn't exactly how these meme things work, where I just hand them out all willy-nilly-like, but I created the fucking thing and I get to decide to bestow it whenever the fuck I want! I have modified the rules slightly in order to make you extra happy. If you choose to pass this on (not like you have a choice, actually, but I thought I should imply that you did) the actual rules don't ask you to draw anything, just list them.


on behalf of The Internet

Rules for this award:

1. You must proudly display the absolutely disgusting graphic that I have created for these purposes (put it in your post, you don't have to put it in your sidebar, I think that would seriously be asking too much). It's so bad that not only did I use COMIC SANS, but there's even a little fucking jumping, celebrating kitten down there at the bottom. It's horrifying! But its presence in your award celebration is crucial to the memetastic process we're creating here. If you need a higher resolution version... I totally have one!!

2. You must list and then draw 5 things about yourself, and 4 of them must be bold-faced lies. Just make some shit up, we'll never know; one of them has to be true, though. Of course, nobody will ever know the difference, so we're just on the honor system here. I trust you. Except for the 4 that you lied about, you lying bastards! But don't go crazy trying to think of stuff, we're not really interested in quality here.

3. You must pass this award on to 5 bloggers that you either like or don't like or don't really have much of an opinion about. I don't care who you pick, and nobody needs to know why. I mean, you can give a reason if you want, but I don't really care.

4. If you fail to follow any of the above rules, I will fucking hunt your ass down and harass you incessantly until you either block me on Twitter or ban my IP address from visiting your blog. I don't know if you can actually do that last thing, but I will become so annoying to you that you will actually go out and hire an IT professional to train you on how to ban IP addresses just so that I'll leave you alone. I'm serious. I'm going to do these things.

5. This one isn't actually a rule, but once you do the above, please come back here and link up to the Memetastic Hop so that I can keep track of where this thing goes.