Yeah. Good Times.: How jillsmo deals with a canvasser: A one act play.

xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: How jillsmo deals with a canvasser: A one act play.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

How jillsmo deals with a canvasser: A one act play.

The scene:

Downtown Oakland, a busy street corner. It is raining.

The characters:

Our Heroine: jillsmo, dressed as though she's going to the beach, and if she were a person who didn't hate the fucking beach. NO, she didn't see the weather report before she left the house this morning, so quit fucking asking her! She is hurrying to get some coffee in order to keep herself alive and get back to her client's office. Said client is getting ready for an audit and jillsmo's mind is completely wrapped up in audit-type things. jillsmo's internal dialogue is represented below in red and italics.

The Bad Guy (or whatever the scripty-ish term is for "The Bad Guy." jillsmo should probably ask Emily before she posts this. Ehhh. jillsmo doesn't feel like doing any extra research for this post): A bearded dude with a clipboard. He probably works for Greenpeace; jillsmo doesn't know or care.

As we begin, we see our heroine standing on the corner, holding her beloved coffee, wearing a t-shirt, Birkenstocks and no socks, getting wet, waiting for the light to change. Bearded dude with clipboard approaches, and.....

FADE IN

jillsmo: ... so I would need to debit that equity account 8200 so that the

Bearded Dude: Hi! Do you have a minute for the environment?

jillsmo: numbers would match, but then Hi. I'm really sorry, I don't right now. I'd need to credit the revenue account so that

Bearded Dude: Did you know that millions of Americans have been put at risk by the inherent dangers of nuclear power?

jillsmo: it would equal the 10,000 that we reported, but Yeah, you know, I totally support what you do but I just don't have time right now, I'm sorry I don't think we actually have the backup for the original 8200

Bearded Dude: Did you also know that radiation from the Japanese nuclear disaster is in the milk you're drinking today?

jillsmo: and even if we had the backup I don't know how to make the liability account You're starting to annoy me and you need to go away match the statement that they're going to want to see

Bearded Dude: ...

The light finally changes and our heroine crosses the street and walks away.

Scene.

Comments (44)

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Tessa · 727 weeks ago

He was drawn to your Birkenstocks. They're damn sexy to environmentalist dudes.
My recent post A Lot Can Happen In A Year!

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Amanda · 727 weeks ago

That's it" Just you're annoying an need to go away? I think something like "Mmmmm Radiation tastes good." would've been way funnier. Of course after the post I wrote yesterday about how they make artificial red dye, I think I'd prefer radiation in my food.

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Dani G · 727 weeks ago

"Don't you know who the fuck I am, bearded dude? I'm Jillsmo, bitch! Back the fuck up!"
My recent post A special appearance by Jillsmo!

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lhand0124 49p · 727 weeks ago

perfect... :-)

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dawn 58p · 727 weeks ago

first--i totally don't miss those dudes. in HumCo, they just ask you if you have a nug or spare change.

Here in LA, we've had some canvassers outside my grocery store--right at the exit as i am trying to escape with my melt-down-y child and my melting ice cream. I believe one day i was asked if i cared about some sort of animal, and i said only if they're on sale that week.

It's my goal to give THEM something to think about since they're trying to make me think. Its karma really.

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kamaness 25p · 727 weeks ago

You need a cattle prod.
"Move it bitch! I'm too busy doing important math thinking to put up with your beard trying to guilt trip me!"
My recent post Spamming you with pictures

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alexandra · 727 weeks ago

he just wanted you.

woman, you have lost your hittin on you radar.

2 replies · active 727 weeks ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

I'm not entirely sure I ever had that to begin with

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

I responded to this comment this morning but it's not here now! My commenting dealie sucks.

Now I don't remember what I said :(

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JRM · 727 weeks ago

Well played... Well... Played.
My recent post I have a bike- but I probably shouldn’t have a bike – Part One

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Lizbeth · 727 weeks ago

So I'm curious, what happened with the 8,200???
That dude would have annyoed me from the get go.

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Suniverse · 727 weeks ago

If the radiation is IN the milk you're drinking right now, then it's too late, right?

Douchbags.

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Brandon.in.Idaho · 727 weeks ago

I want to come with you to a department store, when the droves of "Can I help you find anything?" associates attack.

Back, vile fiends! Back I say!

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Kara · 727 weeks ago

Bravo! So avant-garde. A few more of these types of scenes, and you could put yourself together a right nice little indie play. Or, if it strikes you, a musical!

In the Midwest, our Bearded Dudes aren't so much for the talking. They stand at corners handing random pieces of literature at you. They may as well be saying, "here, throw this away for me."
My recent post Monkey Butt Business

2 replies · active 727 weeks ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

So do you think I actually have a future in this??

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Kara · 727 weeks ago

If I were you, I wouldn't waste any time getting some artsy glasses, practicing your squinting and pursing of lips slightly as if always analyzing the juxtaposition of social plight within 80s music or shoulder pads or something relevant, and start drinking cocktails with crushed ice (you know, versus straight out of the can or bottle).
My recent post Monkey Butt Business

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LLA_Princess · 727 weeks ago

I am so glad that no street canvaseers were harmed in what could possibly been a pretty hostile altercation....probably cause he didnt make you spill your coffee. Spilling coffee= hit in suck hole.
My recent post Coffee - Really Helps you Make it to the Weekend

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Jen · 727 weeks ago

We got accosted by Mormons AND scientologists while in Germany. I never have nice words for these people. Don't get me started on the people who leave crap at my front door. I would have taken a bit sip of coffee and said, Mmmmm, radiation flavored. And walked away.
My recent post Guest blooger on having Aspergers

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Jen · 727 weeks ago

And? Seriously, you practically live in a hippie commune...you shouldn't be surprised...hehe.
My recent post Guest blooger on having Aspergers

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Rachel · 727 weeks ago

I feel you. This shit used to happen all the time when I was living in Berkeley and San Francisco. I'd be sitting on the Berkeley campus, eating my lunch, talking to a friend, and then some guy would just come up and get in my face, hawking (pun and irony intended) The Revolutionary Worker or some other such rag. And I'd be real polite (cuz of my mad social skillz) and just say something completely outrageous, like, "No, thank you."

Apparently, that made me so very, very bourgeois, because suddenly, I became the enemy for wanting to eat my lunch in peace. Fortunately, I had a good friend who used to say things like, "Were you born this stupid, or did you have to work really hard at it?" And when our revolutionary friend would inevitably spout some shit like, "Well, at least I care about the oppressed masses," my friend would say, "Good for you! Now get the fuck away from us."

Ah yes. People who love the environment and The People, but don't get personal space or listen to a damn thing you say. Yeah, I really want to be part of THAT brave new world.

Thanks for giving me the space to rant. :-)

My recent post An Open Letter to Robert MacNeil Regarding PBS’ Autism Now Series

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

I'm happy to provide that space for you :)

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Cheryl D. · 727 weeks ago

Wait, I'm confused! You go to work wearing beach garb? Cool!
My recent post Relaying a Message from Beyond

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Gini · 727 weeks ago

See, this is exactly why I enjoy living in Texas. We don't deal with that shit here. You interrupt me, you get the death penalty (only kind of kidding here). Next time, just tell them you work in the nuclear industry and make millions off of putting radiation in milk. Then ask if they want to see the extra arm you keep hidden in your jacket.
My recent post Tuesday Ten!

1 reply · active 727 weeks ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

That's not an extra arm, Gini; I'm just happy to see you.

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Flannery · 727 weeks ago

Geez, he was just trying to save you from your radioactive coffee. Geesh. Why don't you just shove a plutonium enriched bagel in your pie hole too! It's not easy, being one guy, trying to save the world. Maybe he could have helped you with the liability account problem. Huh, didja even think of that??

My recent post Ode to Springtime

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@ladyestrogen · 727 weeks ago

Wait? Is that an Academy Award Nomination brewing?
Listen. Do you smell that?
My recent post The OTHER Brother

2 replies · active 727 weeks ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

OMG, a Ghostbusters reference??

SWOON

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@ladyestrogen · 727 weeks ago

Would you expect anything less from me? LOL. xxox
My recent post The OTHER Brother

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Bev@allisbright.com 54p · 727 weeks ago

You crack me up, lol.

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Rards · 727 weeks ago

Rofl, hippie chick hawtness + 1.

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patty · 727 weeks ago

Good for you! I hate when people can't take no for an answer.

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Emily · 727 weeks ago

The Obstacle? The Opponent? The Troll Barring the Bridge? The Hippie Block? (that's a verb; I was walking down Telegraph Ave and I was totally hippie-blocked by these patchouli fuckers asking me for money for pet psychics")

How'd I do? I see now why you were dumb yesterday, but by not asking me yestellrday I get to tell you IN PUBLIC today. Win/win!

You were Hippie-Blocked. By a Bridge Troll.

3 replies · active 727 weeks ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

Exactly! Instead of telling you that you were getting a mention I could have just asked you the question. But maybe this is just how we communicate now? In the comments on my blog? By the way: I'm allergic to zucchini; I already told your mom that.

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Emily · 727 weeks ago

This is way more public and therefore we get to be witty in front of an audience -- lets be honest; we both like it that way. :P

And there are other awesome things beyond zucchini so never fear.

See you for soccer on Sat. :P

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

It's true, we are both secret exhibitionists.

Game starts at 1:30!

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Lanita · 727 weeks ago

As I was reading this, my internal dialogue started analyzing how the milk in your coffee had been radiated by the nuclear disaster on the other side of the world when we are not importer of Japanese milk and in the last month how did the cows that survived the earthquake and tsunami managed to be milked in a country that was melting down then shipped across the Pacific...

Sorry...my dialogue got away from me.

How did he know you had milk in your coffee?
My recent post Response cached until Wed 20 @ 0:55 GMT (Refreshes in 48 Minutes)

1 reply · active 727 weeks ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

I'm in California and apparently the radiation is coming from across the Pacific

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Big Daddy · 727 weeks ago

So, in the photo, you are the one in the yellow rain slicker?
My recent post Laughing all the Way

1 reply · active 727 weeks ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

No, I'm the other one. Can't you tell from the hair?

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@MamasTurnNow · 727 weeks ago

Oh Oh... I am an ex- actress... can I play you when it hits Broadway? I'll start wearing my beach garb now to get into the role. Now I just need to find me some Bearded hippie Trolls to practice with. I guess I can always dress the kids up... they are on spring break. It would kill some time!

Too funny! You are always good for a laugh. Thanks. Although I have to admit sometimes your comments are better then the posts. Is that nasty of me? sorry! I just enjoy your witty banter.
My recent post Do Animals Have Aspergers

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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jillsmo 103p · 727 weeks ago

I have to admit.... MOST of the time the comments are better than the posts. In fact, my tagline up at the top used to read "the comments are funnier than the posts"

totally not offended

sob

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solodialogue 73p · 727 weeks ago

Timeless post. There will always be bearded hippies working a story about nuclear radiation to hit on oblivious women who fail to dress for the rain...in Birkenstocks.

My recent post The Crystal Ball

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Dani G · 727 weeks ago

You know what? I'm pretty sure I bought a grilled cheese off the guy on the right in some parking lot.
My recent post A special appearance by Jillsmo!

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Melissa · 727 weeks ago

Most recently, I was approached by what we'll politely call "religious solicitors" outside my house. Usually, I'm polite enough. But I don't deal with stupidity well. It's not in my makeup. These people approached, after watching my daughter in full meltdown mode in the driveway from one house down. I had my hands full trying to get her inside. Clearly, they were not going to have their best day.

Another incident, funnier though - I was pregnant and getting lunch (which was hard won due to constant nausea)... and one of the clipboard people approached... Something like "No thanks, "I'm pregnant and hungry - you may want to move" came out of my mouth. My husband, for his part, snorted.

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