Domestic abuse and why I chose to live with my abuser….
I’m smart enough to know that I’m a victim of domestic abuse. I’m also smart enough to know that I can leave at any moment. So why do I stay?
Isn’t that always the answer?
I’ve been bruised from head to toe, knocked unconscious, suffered injuries that were visible and others that weren’t. I’ve had to make decisions about going out in public because of how my face looked, and what to wear to best cover my bruises and contusions. I’ve had a bank close my account because my signature never matched my signature card…but it doesn’t if your fingers are broken, strained, and sprained.
I don’t like to be hit. It hurts me physically, and it hurts my feelings. I know my abuser loves me. I also know my abuser will kill me. But I still can’t leave. So now what?
I always wanted to write a book, so I did. I’m learning to play the guitar. I would like to write songs too, so I will. There isn’t any reason to put it off, is there?
I hope the hitting will stop. I hope I don’t get killed in front of my children Q and Ainsley.
And If I am killed, I hope I don’t get revived by some well-meaning EMT or ER doctor. I would hate to have to die like that TWICE! I wear a DNR (do not resuscitate) bracelet, and have paperwork filed at the hospital. But this remains a huge concern of mine.
There was a day recently when my abuser was really out of control. The blows were coming, and coming, and coming I was seeing stars and unfortunately lost my footing. Now I was on the floor prone and in real trouble. I reached in my pocket for my phone and was able to dial 911 before the phone was thrown out of my hands. When the officer arrived, I was so relieved! I had survived it!! It was (thankgodinheaven) over. Just like that, calm replaced the savage beast. The police officer looked around the room and became hostile to me, “Why did you call the police?!” I looked at her with my eye, the one that wasn’t swollen shut, and apologized for calling her. My mistake. Clearly.
So why do I stay?
Because my abuser is my autistic daughter. She is now much larger than me and has no understanding of the damage she does. There doesn’t seem to be a way to stop her. Nor is there anyone who can help us. We’ve tried.
She has autism and I’m in stage 4 autism.
Written for April 2011. April is Autism Awareness Month.