Twitter: A post of uncomfortable truths

I've had this Twitter account for more than 2 years now but I never really used it until I started blogging; and even then it's really only been about 9 months. I don't know how many people I'm following at this point, I've been working on this stupid post for 2 weeks now and my numbers keep changing: Here, go find out for yourself.

I'm thinking of expanding my following list, though. Thanks for the helpful suggestion Twitter!!

I used to use my Facebook status updates for my short but oh so witty banter but then I decided I needed to branch out; find a larger audience, as it were. Also because my mom isn't so much a fan of the cursing and she's my Facebook friend. Strangers on Twitter seem to be okay with it.

My mom would not appreciate this gem

Or this one

For the most part, I use Twitter as kind of a brain dumping ground; whatever random thought that goes through my head: Twitter gets to hear about it! It's REALLY useful, especially when watching a movie

Or a TV show, particularly one I'm not very fond of

It's like my blog, but short and without all the pressure.

I love having an audience for this kind of crap! Narcissist? Probably.

I'm bummed they struck that last minute deal. Whatever, Planned Parenthood

Don't panic, I went back the next day

Recently I reached a milestone. 10,000 completely useless pieces of crap in 140 characters or less. I'm guessing at least 10% of them say "I KNOW, right??"

There are a few problems, though, and here is where I get into the "uncomfortable truths" I mentioned earlier. First of all... most of the time... I have absolutely no idea who I'm talking to. I mean, I see these things fly by my timeline and I just go ahead and respond to them, without even really wondering about who the recipient is.

Uh. Sorry about that, whoever you are. Does it matter that I was joking?

And while all these conversations are flying by me, I'm doing my best to respond to everything I see (because... I mean... I don't want to be rude) but I honestly have no idea who most of these people are. If I'm following you, it's probably safe to assume that you're somewhat amusing, and you may or may not have some connection with autism? But other than that.... sorry, I got nuthin. There are a bunch of people, of course, who I know and who are my friends; I'm going to guess there are maybe 40 or 50 of you? but for the most part, yeah. Heh. Sorry about that.

Sometimes it's easy, like if your Twitter name is the same as your blog name, okay, I think I can figure out that @ConnorChronicle is Flannery at The Connor Chronicles or that @fourplusanangel is Jessica at Four Plus an Angel (see what I did there?) but do you have any idea how long it took me to figure out that @heym0mxtwo is actually Bella at If This is Motherhood??? DO YOU, BELLA??? And who the HELL is @modinkpeeb, anyway? (OMG, Kelly, I'm so kidding. I'm just using your name as an example of names that are weird and make no sense. And to prove that I actually know who you are, "modinkpeeb" is actually "Mo Dink Peeb," which is your son's first sentence.)

Most of the time, though, it's just some random name with punctuation or some such shit, and I am clueless. That doesn't stop me from having some very nice conversations, of course. I'm not going to show you any examples of this because I will, no doubt, hurt somebody's feelings. But just in case you were wondering... I don't mean you. I totally know who you are.

Secondly... this shit moves so fucking fast. Conversations are whizzing by and if I get up for just a minute I return to this massive pile of unread tweets and, I'm sorry, I just can't keep up with that!

19 minutes I was gone for. 19 !!!!!

And some mornings I wake up and find that some friends who live on the East Coast have been having a conversation for fucking hours and have been including me in every tweet, and I am clueless.

Of.... course.

And sometimes I'll say something random.... like I do... and then somebody will respond to it 10 or 15 minutes later but by then I've completely forgotten what I said and their response totally baffles me. (Although, an "I KNOW, right??" is a pretty safe guess most of the time).

I KNOW, right??? I.... think.

Although, there's a difference between Sober Twitter and Drunk Twitter. For the most part, on Drunk Twitter, everybody else is drunk, too, and it doesn't really matter what I say. Plus, I really like Twitter on Friday nights. Because #wineparty is awesome. If you don't know what #wineparty is, it's because you're not a drunk, and that's actually okay. For you. But you don't have to wait until #wineparty to get drunk on Twitter, of course. Any night of the week would do just fine.

Any drunken Twitter evening starts out innocently enough.....

..... until.....

.... slowly... very slowly....

.... things start to fall apart....

... until, apparently, I lose the ability to type altogether.

I know this is nothing compared to the Twitter gods/celebrities who follow hundreds of thousands of people, but I have to guess that a couple of hundred is probably about the average number of followers an average Twitter user has... which makes me an average Twitter user, right? Apparently average things are just too hard for me.

So, there you have it. Twitter: it moves too fast for me, I have no idea who I'm talking to most of the time, when I do know, I have no idea what I'm talking about, and the whole thing is just easier when I'm drunk, much like the real world. Am I doing it right?

I'm still going to keep at it, of course, even if I seemingly suck at it. Because, after all, if it wasn't for Twitter, who would I show my Pin Wall Boob to? NOBODY.

P.S. @zachbraff.... if you're reading this... try to think of these things as more endearing than anything else :)

---