Yeah. Good Times.: I like dogs, it's their humans I can't stand

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I like dogs, it's their humans I can't stand

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program of guest bloggers to bring you... something I actually wrote!!! We will resume our normal guest blogging schedule tomorrow..... unless I can actually write something again. But don't hold your breath....

I have this lovely garden in my front yard, and I have a lovely gardener who comes by every now and then and helps me take care of it. I live in a lovely neighborhood, full of families, and many of these families have lovely dogs. As a result of the juxtaposition of living in a neighborhood full of dogs and having a lovely garden, my front yard is constantly full of dog shit. For the most part I don't notice it, because I don't actually do the weeding out there, but sometimes it gets so bad that 1. The whole front of my house smells like dog shit, literally and 2. There are fucking flies. Everywhere. Shit eating flies. FLIES. THAT. EAT. SHIT.

Actual pictures from the front of my house

So, I see people walking their dogs around the hood, while carrying little plastic bags; pretending to be good neighbors, although usually I see that these bags are empty. If they see you standing there watching them, they will pick up their dog's shit, put it into their little plastic bag and throw it away. Most of the time, however, they're not being watched. Which means they let their dogs shit in your plants and then they just fucking walk away.

They see me gardnin'.... they be hatin'

I don't blame dogs, dogs are cool, I like dogs. Pretty much every client I have has a dog and when I go to their office their dogs sit at my feet and lick my toes. I'm cool with dogs; they're just doing their dog thing. Dogs need to shit and dogs don't have toilets, they have no choice but to use our gardens and lawns and bushes to do their doggy bidness. I get that. It's not the dogs' fault. It's their humans' faults. Their humans who put them on leashes and walk them around the neighborhood and let them shit in my plants and then just fucking leave it there; as if it's not at all their responsibility because the shit is no longer inside their dog, it's now in the middle of my salvia leucantha and therefore no longer their problem.

I fucking hate these people. I want to set up a camera in my front yard so I can catch them on videotape, scoop up the shit, bring it back to their house and leave in their fucking garden. Yeah, that's not going to happen, I know. Instead, I figure I'll purchase or make a sign or a statue or a symbol of some sort. I came up with a few options and I can't figure out which one I like best. Which one do you guys think I should use?

1. These are little statues I see in other people's gardens. They're cute, yes, but way too subtle for me

2. Here is another one I found online. I like this one because you can actually see the poop emerging from the asshole

3. I figure, though, if I'm going to put a little ceramic or cast iron statue in my yard, it should be more interesting than that.

4. I kind of like that one, actually. But maybe a sign, instead of a statue? Easier to see? Makes a stronger point?

5. This is the sign my lovely gardener emailed me. She's such a nice person.

6. Not me, though! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

7. Okay, that's too mean. After all, like I said, I do like dogs, as long as I don't have to live with one, in my house with me, and it's the people I really want to kill, so.... yeah....

8. This is actually the one that's been rattling around in my head for a while now. Seriously.

Hub's idea is to make little flags that say "shit" and instead of removing the fecal matter, you stick a little flag into each piece that they leave behind. It would make quite the visual statement.