xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#' Yeah. Good Times.: If you've met one autistic person then you've met one autistic person

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

If you've met one autistic person then you've met one autistic person

When discussing autistic people, "professionals" often say that a common trait is a lack of empathy. I have always held the belief that this is complete horseshit and that my child with autism has more empathy than your average typical adult. I know this, because I know my kid, but others might not notice it because he's bad at verbally communicating his feelings: a much more common trait among autistic people. A typical person expects a certain emotional reaction to specific circumstances and when they don't get that from the autistic person they will assume that it's because that person lacks empathy, when the truth is that they're just bad at telling or showing you how they're feeling.

I've talked before about how Child 2 is the best possible "social skills" teacher for Child 1, and every day I see Child 1 becoming more and more verbal about his feelings and opinions. Have I mentioned that's awesome? Because that's awesome.

Last night Child 2 was having a hissy fit about something or other, I don't even remember what it was about, does it matter? He's very dramatic. And loud. Did I mention loud? Because he's loud. At the time Child 1 was in his room on his computer, an activity that they often share, usually against Child 1's objections. As Child 2 is crying and carrying on, I hear Child 1 yell to him from the other room "HEY! CHILD 2! COME HERE AND LOOK AT THIS!"

Child 2 continues to cry and whine, and so Child 1 tries again: "CHILD 2! COME HERE AND CHECK THIS OUT! IT'S REALLY COOL!" This gets his attention and Child 2 stops his tantrum and goes into the room to see what's going on. Within seconds they are both laughing at whatever it is they're looking at on the screen.

That has never happened before; Child 1 has never invited Child 2 to come and share his personal space. Usually what happens is that I'll hear "MAMA! Make Child 2 leave me alone" and I did hear that about 5 minutes later, but not before the tantrum was ended and Child 2 was laughing and feeling better. Child 1 intentionally went outside his comfort zone in order to make his brother feel better, if even just for a minute or two.

Lack of empathy, huh? I don't think so....



Comments (35)

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What a great story! I love this. And, you make an excellent point. We (the general "we") are so quick to generalize about groups of people. Sure, there can be common traits among people with autism, we are all individuals!
That is awesome!!!
I love this story! How exciting for you. Yay for child1! Xx
Was glad to see you had another post...and what a super fantastic story!
Very cool, Jill! Good for your kiddo! I do hate the generalizations "experts" make about people.
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Ah what an awesome story! I can only imagine how proud you felt when Child 1 stepped out of his comfort zone to help his brother . . . hell I am proud of him that is a huge accomplishment.
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*singing* AWESOME!
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Love it! Thank you, jillsmo (and Child 1) for doing your parts to break another stereotype.

I've always been highly empathic, sometimes to a painful degree. I'm just not always able to express it in conventional ways. I usually hold back for fear of saying the wrong thing or out of fear that I might be intrusive. It also feels to me that words are not enough, and so I end up quietly thinking about what I might *do* to express my empathy, while the neurotypical people in the room are busy verbalizing and moving on.

None of those things appears on any of the tests I've seen. :-)
My recent post Empaths on the Autism Spectrum, Part 1
1 reply · active 703 weeks ago
Maybe you should start making the tests
LOVE this!! Child 1 is awesomness! I feel the same. Maybe the expression is unconventional but the empathy is there.

PS - clearly you found your mo-jo...
That is the best, most awesome story EVER!!! Yay for Child 1!!! Don't those moments just feel like you've finished a marathon?? What seems ordinary to someone else, is extraordinary for our kids...and for us moms.
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My son has lots of empathy, but then again, he will say the most awful and horribly embarrassing things to people and insult them like nobody's business without a thought.

But he's the kid who donated ALL of his money to help the Haiti earthquake relief, and he's always been very generous with MY money - he's never met a Salvation Army Kettle or Ronald McDonald House coin box that he didn't want to fill.

He'll cry about abused kittens in a SPCA commercial, then torment our cat.

He's a study in contradictions.
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1 reply · active 703 weeks ago
My NT 6 year old also cries about abused kittens and then chases the cats around the house throwing socks at them.

Kids are weird.
Stephanie (minky)'s avatar

Stephanie (minky) · 703 weeks ago

Wha??? you mean they aren;t all the same? I kid. Of course. My Godson is autistic (very mild) and I am constantly shocked and just astonished at the ignorance he encounters every day. Pisses me off.

I love this post, your kids are amazing.
That's great! I have a 5yo drama king, too, and I would LOVE if K tried distracting him from his little fits. You know, besides trying to distract him with pain...hehe.

I really don't think they lack empathy...I think it is just harder for some to process emotions, so they withdraw, and it looks like they don't give a crap...but they do.
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1 reply · active 703 weeks ago
I have to agree with Jen. My 10yo tends to withdraw. I equate it to the stereotype of a man stuck in a room with a woman crying. Often the man is depicted as not knowing what to do. Hell, I wouldn't know what to do either. We still care, but we don't know how to express it.
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Handflapper's avatar

Handflapper · 703 weeks ago

You are an awesome mama to recognize that for what is was and are obviously doing something right, not to mention being a great advocate for kids on the spectrum.
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The "professionals" who make these claims generally do not have autistic children.
Or work with autistic children.
Or stand near autistic children.
They might never have seen an autistic child.

I'm so glad that you use your blog for awareness.
1 reply · active 703 weeks ago
"Or stand near autistic children" = Awesome
Have you looked into/heard much about peer to peer support programs? Different schools have different versions of the program (IF they have the program) but the basic idea is just setting up a system of peer volunteers who agree to aid the student with social skill needs...by just hanging out with them. That's the gist, anyway. But, it is researched based and can show HUGE results - and is good for everyone involved. In Michigan the best educators for this program is the S.T.A.R.T. program (STatewide Autism Resources and Training)- based out of Grand Valley.
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2 replies · active 703 weeks ago
I love this idea. I will look into it. Thanks!!
Let me know if you have any questions about it!!
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creepfacezombie's avatar

creepfacezombie · 703 weeks ago

I think it's cool that you have a sense of humor about child 2. Is writing your blog a way of letting off steam?
That is so completely awesome! How great did that feel???? :)
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this is the most fantastic thing I've heard today! I absolutely love reading about special needs kids growing and showing the world what's up
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My experience with doctors and child behavior specialists is that they are total idiots. But that is based on a completely unscientific study that was just my sons first pediatrition who said that he would end up in jail.... he determined this about my son when he was 5.
So, I determined from this that if you meet one jackass with a stupid opinion, you've met them all.
Approved by the site admins?!!! When the FUCK did that happen? The terrorists have won. :(
I am often told that I lack empathy because I don't react as expected. That's just the way I am. What I personally see in the autistic children that I work with is not a lack of empathy, just a different way processing it. Often they know that something is wrong and want to help.

I heart both Child 1 AND Child 2!
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I love this post. I belong to a group of parents of kids on the spectrum, and this topic has long been debated. I see a lot of parents who believe the professionals whole-heartedly, and don't see empathy in any child.

Me? In my daughter, I see an overwhelming amount of empathy, that she does not know how to deal with. She doesn't know what to say, or how to react. That's what people see- someone who doesn't react. What I see, is a little girl who cries because someone lost a stuffed animal, or who sobs for weeks after when she remembers her pet lizard dying, or who gets almost uncontrollably excited when something good happens to someone. I see a little girl who understands everything going on around her- she just doesn't know how to process and show that.
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This reminds me of a book I'm reading now. I think it definitely has a lot to do with a misconception because of communication. My son is also very empathetic
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Very, very coo!
cool!
Very awesome of child one! Also I would agree it's a mistake to just lump a whole group of people into one category.
I think my child is very empathetic. I have read recently about how they are actually over sensitive and sometimes don't know how to respond to being overwhelmed by the emotion. That is what I see in my kid.
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I realize this is an old post, but hey, I'm a new reader. I have to say jill, that I TOTALLY agree with you on the horsehittyness of professionals saying kids with autisim lack empathy! My kiddo has one of the biggest hearts ever and is always showing concern for others. Lack of empathy my ass. I sometimes wonder if these so called "professionals" have ever even set foot into a room with a kid on the spectrum.
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